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Original poster

Is DH just plainly selfish?

37 replies

VixforVictory · 05/04/2015 22:40

We've had his DC staying over Easter. Today's been a fantastic day and I thought we had finished it on a high, with a lovely meal and plenty of laughter. DH's mood suddenly changed though and they've parked themselves on the sofa, dessert in hand and DH with laptop on his lap and guess what? I was suddenly left standing, unsure where to go or what to do with myself. Does this sound familiar to anyone? We've had his two DC and their dog all, and although I've got tons of work to do, I've been out and about, involved in everything. I've just spent hours putting a seriously nice meal on the table and all seemed fine. So what has suddenly prompted DH to simply ignore me and sit their snuggled up on the sofa with his DC, whilst ignoring me??

I never, in a million years, could have imagine how hard the whole merged families thing would be. I do remind myself that DH has got the daily ins & outs of dealing with my teenage son, but oh boy... I never wanted any more children and now that my DS is almost an adult, it's so hard not to resent the work that it entails to look after younger children. Not to mention that, as much as I love dogs, I've chosen not to have pets for a reason. So instead of recovering from a horribly hectic week and getting work done, I am shattered by all the running around and 'dog-licking-your-face-at-6-on-a-Sunday'. Sorry, I probably wasn't being very realistic about the circumstances but just sharing all the same...

Hope you've all had a lovely Easter!! Easter Smile Brew

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 05/04/2015 22:41

'there' not 'their' oppsy! Easter Blush

OP posts:
PrimroseVilliers · 05/04/2015 22:43

Depends really.

Is this your 'feelings' and he just literally sat down with the kids and had his dessert and surfed the net feeling that everyone was quite happy or did he deliberately exclude you and ignore you?

Nightingalemumoftwo · 05/04/2015 22:44

Do his DC live with you?

clam · 05/04/2015 22:45

I'm not sure I understand what your issue is? There's probably a similar scene going on in sitting rooms up and down the country right now - vegging after a big meal.
How are they ignoring you? Or rather, what is it you would like them to do?

clam · 05/04/2015 22:46

In fact, it's probably more of an indication that you're morphing into a family unit that they all feel they can slob without having to continue making conversation.

LineRunner · 05/04/2015 22:50

Are you expected to clear up on your own?

Original poster
VixforVictory · 05/04/2015 22:55

No, they don't live with us and my contact with them has been limited as he normally goes to see them. There was no room for me on the sofa and it didn't seem to bother him whether I was there or not, for us to sit down together. He's now sent them to bed but hasn't bothered to speak to me.

It's a really odd way to behave considering that we had literally just left the dinner table, and after such a lovely day to ruin it over 'God-knows-what'. After the last fiasco, I did tell myself that I wasn't going to try so hard anymore, and just follow his lead. But then I couldn't help it as although I was a single parent, working full-time, I was tried to be a very hands-on parent. So I simply couldn't let Easter pass without putting together an Easter egg hunt or making a special meal. However, his behaviour feels once again like a slap on the face. Last year I actually got really annoyed as I seemed to be doing it all, but I then found myself having to go around the shops to get eggs as he hadn't bought them anything - although he had looked up things to do, to be fair. Then his exwife, the saint, ruined the Christmas surprise. Maybe I am realising too late that I am not cut out for the modern family set up???

OP posts:
clam · 05/04/2015 22:59

"Maybe I am realising too late that I am not cut out for the modern family set up?" No, but I'm sorry to say that I think you sound a little high maintenance.
"it didn't seem to bother him whether I was there or not" Really? That's the sort of thing I might have said when I was 16.

Please don't spoil the lovely day you've had (and created) by sulking now, or that's all they'll remember.

Original poster
VixforVictory · 05/04/2015 23:00

LineRunner that's the other thing: DH is always on DS' case over every little thing. Well, DS only got back this evening but he still helped out before and after dinner, as he was brought up to do. DH's DC, on the other hand, just about took their plates off the table but he never says anything at all. I don't think they know the concept of washing up a plate or drying dishes but he does expect DS to be this super-efficient machine which I find rather hypocritical, to say the least. At the end of the day, I tell myself that if that's how the wants to raise his children then that's his prerogative and not to let it get to me but... it still seems unfair, especially when the 13 year old doesn't even help set the table.

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 05/04/2015 23:05

clam I am not sulking, I promise. I am being completely ignored while DH chats away downstairs. I just don't know how to deal with it. I wonder whether he's jealous of DS??? DS has only just got back and we have a very close relationship - mother an teenage son ups & downs aside, we've always made a very good team and always got on really well.

OP posts:
clam · 05/04/2015 23:08

How are you being ignored? I suppose you could argue that dh is ignoring me, if push came to shove. We've been sitting side by side reading/MN-ing most of the evening and have barely exchanged a word. I call it a companionable silence.

Rivercam · 05/04/2015 23:10

My 13 year old wouldn't volunteer to lay the table. I have to ask ( threaten!) him- ie. If you don't help, you don't eat. And as someone said, by cuddling on the sofa isn't a rejection of you, but a family moment for them. They probably didn't purposely exclude you.

Maybe in the future you need to set some ground rules. Ie. Dc 's help to lay and clear the table etc. If they have never been expected to do so in the past, then they won't automatically do it now.

Coconutty · 05/04/2015 23:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairylea · 05/04/2015 23:15

I think you are reading too much into this taken at face value. You had a nice meal and now they've gone to sit on the sofa and chill out. Go and join them... there's nothing to say they've excluded you, or is there? It doesn't sound like they've done it deliberately to be funny with you.

I don't think most 13 year olds would make any attempt to help with anything unless asked. You have to spell it out to them. It's not rudeness as such just the egotistical egocentric nature of younger teens.

If you wanted them to help clear up I'd have just asked them to. I think waiting around for people to mind read generally isn't very effective.

AlternativeTentacles · 05/04/2015 23:20

Have you posted about this situation before?

LineRunner · 05/04/2015 23:20

It all sounds a bit peculiar to me, especially the sudden silent treatment.

You have other threads about him, that I have seen. It seems such hard work for such a recent marriage.

AlternativeTentacles · 05/04/2015 23:20

Lazy stepkids, not easter in particular...

TokenGinger · 05/04/2015 23:22

I think it's a little fair to judge his DC's inabilities to wash plates.

When I visit my dad, regardless of the fact that we are his children, I still feel like a guest in his and my step-mum's home. I don't have a self-righteous entitlement that I should be cleaned up after, but my dad always tells us not to worry about it, that the washing up will wait whilst we're having a family day together, or that my step-mum will do it. As he does when my step-mum's children are there to visit.

If they don't live with you, let him enjoy his night with his children and don't throw your toys out of your pram because you're not getting his undivided attention for one night.

I'm sure he more than appreciates all that you have done for him and his children today and, as another poster has mentioned, maybe the fact that they're able to just laze about in a slumber suggests you're doing a fantastic job of making them feel at home.

UnsolvedMystery · 05/04/2015 23:24

I really don't understand this. You've had a nice day now everyone is chilling on the sofa. If you want help clearing up, ask very clearly and politely for people to do specific things. If you don't, go and chill out with them.

LineRunner · 05/04/2015 23:26

Is there an armchair by the sofa you can sit on?

clam · 05/04/2015 23:27

"Any idea what started his mood?"

What mood?! He's chilling on the sofa with his kids! What's wrong with that?

Original poster
VixforVictory · 05/04/2015 23:28

Noooo... I can see how what I've written here may be misinterpreted but all I was expecting was for DH to make room for me on the sofa or on the chaise so that I could sit in the lounge too. Seeing that it didn't happen, I had to retreat to my bedroom.

About the 13 year old, I don't really care how much he does or doesn't or how DH and his ex choose to raise their children. I do however find it interesting how DH sets these incredibly high standards for my DS (and is always on his case over every little thing) but doesn't expect his own DC to help out with something as small as setting the table. The boy's clothes are all over their bedroom floor and there is constantly pee all over the toilet seat. That's ok because it's his DC, but God forbid if that had been DS. Does it make sense?

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 05/04/2015 23:32

It IS hard work, LineRunner and no, we have a chaise but one of his DS was on it and the dog.

OP posts:
Original poster
VixforVictory · 05/04/2015 23:35

Basically, after having pulled all the stops with games, etc etc, I wanted to be able to sit in the lounge and read the paper. DH has now sent them to bed and seems on a confrontational mood for some reason. I can't win this. I really could have done no more. Although I am not going to do it, I just feel like screaming at him and telling him to go back to his exwife or wherever else he'd rather go to.

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wannabestressfree · 05/04/2015 23:39

Have you, you know, asked him what the matter is?

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