Is DH just plainly selfish?

[VixforVictory]

We've had his DC staying over Easter. Today's been a fantastic day and I thought we had finished it on a high, with a lovely meal and plenty of laughter. DH's mood suddenly changed though and they've parked themselves on the sofa, dessert in hand and DH with laptop on his lap and guess what? I was suddenly left standing, unsure where to go or what to do with myself. Does this sound familiar to anyone? We've had his two DC and their dog all, and although I've got tons of work to do, I've been out and about, involved in everything. I've just spent hours putting a seriously nice meal on the table and all seemed fine. So what has suddenly prompted DH to simply ignore me and sit their snuggled up on the sofa with his DC, whilst ignoring me??

I never, in a million years, could have imagine how hard the whole merged families thing would be. I do remind myself that DH has got the daily ins & outs of dealing with my teenage son, but oh boy... I never wanted any more children and now that my DS is almost an adult, it's so hard not to resent the work that it entails to look after younger children. Not to mention that, as much as I love dogs, I've chosen not to have pets for a reason. So instead of recovering from a horribly hectic week and getting work done, I am shattered by all the running around and 'dog-licking-your-face-at-6-on-a-Sunday'. Sorry, I probably wasn't being very realistic about the circumstances but just sharing all the same...

Hope you've all had a lovely Easter!!

I do however find it interesting how DH sets these incredibly high standards for my DS (and is always on his case over every little thing) but doesn't expect his own DC to help out with something as small as setting the table. The boy's clothes are all over their bedroom floor and there is constantly pee all over the toilet seat. That's ok because it's his DC, but God forbid if that had been DS. Does it make sense?

My ex did this. TBF my DS was very challenging at that age and is an incorrigible slob unless asked specifically to pick up after himself. However when ex's DD stayed (and she was exactly the same age as my DS) there was never a word said to her even when she left the bathroom looking like a total tip one day. It feels very unfair and annoying.

I do think you have to be more assertive though. So one of the kids and the dog was on the chair - why not tell the dog to get down, or just say "Hey, where am I sitting?!" Instead you went off upstairs on your own, which probably came across to your DH that you were in a mood...

Also, when you walk into the loo and find it covered with pee, standing in the doorway and shouting "OK whoever peed on the seat best come and clean it off!" can be highly effective IME

Yes but he claims there's nothing, but then he's gone straight back to the lounge without not even as much as giving me a kiss. Does he feel disloyal towards saintly exwife (as his DC obviously had a great time) or jealous of DS? This is so exhausting.

Ah well, there's a sub-text emerging now, that we couldn't have been expected to know.

Mind you, if I'd have walked into my sitting room and found that scenario, I'd have either asked dh to budge up so I could sit down, or I'd have booted the dog off for sure. No way I'd play second fiddle to a bloody dog! ignores own hound curled up on my bed beside me right now.

If he seems in a confrontational mood now, it's possibly because he's sensed your own mood.

But, as I said, there's clearly more to this than a post-dinner chill out with the family.

pocketsaviour ha! I've been doing just that about the toilet seat. And you are right, I could have been more assertive about my place in the lounge. However, I did end up sitting on the floor yesterday and again DH didn't seem to care or notice at all. It feels that I am excluded from the room whenever they are here. One could argue that they are hardly ever here (true!) but I don't think that's the point.

I think you're going to have to stake your claim in the lounge, as it were. When they are visiting there is obviously not enough seating for everyone. Can you just bring one of the dining chairs into the lounge temporarily? I think this would be better than either sitting on the floor or going away, because both of those situations make it seem that you don't "belong".

You have said that you find dealing with the younger ones annoying now your DS is grown (and no judgement from me as I feel the same.) But do you think they're picking up on that subconsciously and feeling a bit like they don't want to include you?

It also sounds like you feel in competition with his ex?

clam well, I do have an tendency to over-analyse things but I have noticed that whenever I am saying good things about DS, DH feels compelled to find something to criticise. At the table, he didn't ask DS any questions whatsoever about his trip and barely spoke to him when he arrived. I know it' been testing for DH as although DS is very good, he's also a teenage boy with handful of screamingly frustrating bad habits.

Then there's the saintly ex who still bends backwards for DH even though they divorced years ago... She ruined a surprise but apparently the children just guessed it, the dog is a mess but the matted coat is 'winter coat' (not sure what the long nails are?), but you have no idea how quickly DH will jump to her defence even though I've never said a word to criticise her.

Did they all refuse to move up when you asked?

"DH didn't seem to care or notice at all."

Maybe you need to start stating your needs a little more. But in a pleasantly assertive way - I'm wondering if you were being a bit passive-aggressive tonight in going off upstairs.

lunar1 that's probably where I let myself down as I didn't ask. After the floor-sitting episode yesterday, I just left the room - no huffing, no long faces, just quietly and sweetly...almost smiling too!

Ive not read you other posts so there could be way more too it but next time just speak up. He genuinely might not have realised. And if you want help from his children to clear up then ask them.

Teenagers are a trial, even if you're both the biological parents. Dh and I have different views on ours sometimes - I think he's tougher on ds than he is on dd and he thinks I'm the reverse. I didn't think it was fair to ask ds to clear up the kitchen after dinner on his first night back from uni this holiday - dh told him to get on with it. He did it without complaint although he rolled his eyes to me behind dh's back! You get over it quicker when you know that, ultimately, both of you would lay down your own life for them. With the best will in the world, that's not so easy to say with step-kids.