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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Aargh and the cycle starts again!!

42 replies

magicgirl79 · 05/04/2015 18:25

Sorry but I just really need to rant!! I know some may be sick of this but H has really managed to take me down today. We all went for a family day out for Easter that needed a long drive and his mood deteriorated so bad due to the lack of cannabis, it completely rubbed of on me and now I'm in a mood! Just needed to get that out.

OP posts:
BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/04/2015 18:37

Have you not got rid of him yet? Why not?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 05/04/2015 19:15

Aww I know, it's do crazy, the whole cycle of a few weeks niceness to then get the complete flip side. I am done in with the mood swings!!

OP posts:
DaemonPantalaemon · 05/04/2015 19:22

It looks like no amount of bad treatment will make you leave him, but you do have agency you know. You have no financial reasons keeping you with this man, you have a vulnerable daughter to protect and you know nothing is going to change. He does not love you or care about your daughter enough to stop. Not only is he choosing cannabis over his family, you are choosing him and his cannabis habit over your daughter because you are actively choosing to stay in this situation. I suggest you learn to suck it up.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 05/04/2015 20:43

Thanks, I really do wish I had your strength to get rid believe me, but I'm weak if I'm honest and he knows that. He knows I'm a nervous person who can't handle confrontation etc, I wish I could wake up tomorrow and just do it!

OP posts:
DaemonPantalaemon · 05/04/2015 20:45

You are not weak because your love for your daughter is stronger than your fear of confrontation. Please just tell him to go.

woowoo22 · 05/04/2015 20:45

What exactly, specifically, is stopping you OP?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 05/04/2015 21:01

This is the crazy thing, I really don't know what is stopping me other than I feel terrified of something?? That probably make no sense.

I love my D so much, she deserves so much more, and my thoughts have been going 100% to this. She doesn't see the whole picture as she is still young but she will if I stick around.

Example today was Burger King got his order wrong, so then the face, huffing and sighing, then stomping off, I know he is like that as he couldn't smoke joints for a few hours. That was it then really for the rest of the day, short sentences or 1 word answers/silence.

My mood dwindled to so low, then I gurned at D because of my mood. She deserves so much more.

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 05/04/2015 21:16

OP. Please look up some information on adult children of addicts/alcoholics.

Understand that this is what you're condemning your daughter to, if you stay with this addict.

Can you try to talk a bit more about your fears? Is it a fear of being alone? Of having to cope with DD on your own? Of what people will say? If you can examine that fear a bit more closely, maybe you will see that it's not such a big deal any more?

woowoo22 · 05/04/2015 21:24

She does, and you're the only person who can improve her life. He won't change.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 05/04/2015 21:29

I think it could be the fear of actually being scared of him, he is not violent but just because he isn't violent doesn't mean he doesn't scare me a bit. He is quite over powering. He knows in the last year or so I have gotten a bit stronger to him. Being alone scares me a bit too, or even meeting someone who is worse! I can cope financially and I am at my happiest when it is just D and I.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/04/2015 21:30

a few weeks of "niceness" ?

you are fooling yourself

it's a few days Hmm

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 05/04/2015 21:41

AnyFucker ~ Yep you are right, I kind of grade the nice ness, today was a particularly bad day, I knew it would be as it involved us being away from home for about 8 - 10 hrs, but I wanted to see how much he could change his mood, and boy he changed about an hour into the trip. I then knew that this was the same old, same old long before I even had D, this is the way it always was. It is surprising how much the mind can actually block out.

OP posts:
FrankTurnersGuitar · 05/04/2015 21:41

You need to get rid of him, he adds nothing to your life, he takes an awful lot away.
Make your DD Your priority, don't be thinking that you can't cope, that's what keeps you there, that and fear.
Make your life about you and DD. He will continue to make drugs his priority.
Deep down you know this, gather support and do it.

nozzz · 05/04/2015 21:43

What are you doing to resolve the situation OP?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 05/04/2015 21:49

I am desperately trying to get it together to tell him to go.

The house is mortgaged and I have paid it all along, sole bank accounts. He didn't even know how much this cost. I know he can still claim his share though.

What if D wants to live with him? Would this be possible he can have her?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/04/2015 22:08

a few hours....

until the same old problem kicks in

multiply this for the next 20 years, and this is your life for the next couple of decades and beyond

depressing

AnyFucker · 05/04/2015 22:09

No, she won't want to live with him

why would she ?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 05/04/2015 22:14

She loves and dotes on him, probably as he is high a lot of the time, so nothing stresses him etc and he is fun to be around, where as I am the cleaner, worker etc, so probably boring to a child.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/04/2015 22:15

How old is she ?

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 05/04/2015 22:25

She is 8 yrs old.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/04/2015 22:27

If you are the main carer, then at 8yo she wouldn't get a choice other than the usual contact times

CluckingBelle · 05/04/2015 22:41

I was with a man like this for 10 years. I left with the children and my life is so easy now we don't have to revolve around his moods. I love it being just me and the children. I love that they and their clothes no longer smell of smoke. I love that we don't have to creep around in the mornings for fear of waking him up and him being in a bad mood all day.
Now I don't have to top him up with weed any more I have a little spare money. Me and the kids have just had our first ever holiday.
My relationship with the children, particularly my eldest who is 9, has gone from strength to strength. Now I can put their needs first without feeling like I have done something wrong. My life is my own.

Please leave him op. For your daughter and for you. He is incapable of putting her first and always will be.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 06/04/2015 09:03

Thanks clucking belle, today I have woken up and he is nice again and he has played with all my thoughts from last night. This is so up and down, I feel I could breakdown! I'm like a small child, not a grown woman. What if I end things and no one is happy? Is it possible to maybe still feel love but know that the relationship is no good?

OP posts:
CluckingBelle · 06/04/2015 09:46

It's so exhausting living like that. If you end things and no one is happy how is anything any different from now? But trust me, you will be happier and so will your daughter. No more tiptoeing around him so you don't upset him, no more revolving your life around whether or not he has weed. Being as long as you want or need to when you are out without having to explain yourself. Being able to relax in your own home is priceless.

Original poster
magicgirl79 · 06/04/2015 10:55

Thank you, do you mind if I ask how much he smoked and if you brought it up with him about stopping?

OP posts: