Aargh and the cycle starts again!!

[magicgirl79]

Sorry but I just really need to rant!! I know some may be sick of this but H has really managed to take me down today. We all went for a family day out for Easter that needed a long drive and his mood deteriorated so bad due to the lack of cannabis, it completely rubbed of on me and now I'm in a mood! Just needed to get that out.

My ex was like this.

He's been gone almost 5 years and my life is completely transformed!

Ok it's hard work, but no second guessing, no wondering what mood he's in.

My son grew visibly in confidence and contented was in days after his dad left.

A reprise: at one point I was thousands of miles away from any civilised society, with a violent abuser in a country of 80million similarly minded 'people'

4 storeys up, for up to 3 months without leaving the flat. And I'd get hit if I spoke up/got stir crazy.

I had a family that would take great delight in turning their backs on me, or telling me that it was my choice to go there. Nice. Last laugh though, I'll not even take the call when it comes to their old age care...

I came home, he came over, he tried to pick up where he left off. By then I'd got mumsnet ??. He had no chance

So he admitted defeat and threatened to leave. He left. The rest of my life started there.

I was traumatised, agoraphobic thanks to the isolation and terror of what he'd see and kick off about when outdoors. Took me years to beat that.

But I did.

Get this man out of your dd life, and out of yours. He needs to go.

If I can get free of mine, if I can get to this point alone, you can. You have mumsnet, and you will be better off without him.

When you go out and he's not there.. What's the day like?

Imagine when he's gone? EVERY day will be like that!

I'm no different to you, or to anyone, I'm old and have lost over 10 years of my life with an idiot like my ex. You're younger than me, you have more to gain, so go for it!!

You can and must do this for yourself love, and for your dd. the last thing she needs is to grow up thinking this father is a good role model

He is the only person who can stop himself smoking - if you don't get rid of him, somehow (in his addicted brain) your allowing it.

My ex has given up cannabis apparently. Of his own accord...

He's still a wanker though. And I'm better off without him. Even being alone is better than having him in my life.

You're not your allowing ...

You need to go to Women's Aid or a solicitor and come up with a plan for getting him out of the house and out of your life. Do it tomorrow.

I'm like a small child, not a grown woman

Yes, all your threads point to this. However, you were grown up enough to have a child, and [I never said this before] you need to woman up and protect her from this.

I dont know the back story but just wanted to pick up on something you said - that your daughter is young so doesn't see the whole picture.

She is 8. She will be more than aware of her fathers mood swings, often effect that it has on the whole house. She will likely feel anxious when daddy isn't having a happy day, and relief when he is.

This is no way for a child to live. It doesn't just effect her now either. It will have long lasting effects on her as she grows and develops and on her ability to form normal healthy relationships.

Now having a long hard think on it, she is a little anxious, for example, if im quiet or perhaps have given her a telling off for something, she will ask if im mad at her, shes 8, she shouldn't even care if im mad at her, im sure most kid wouldn't give 2 hoots, its part of growing up. Also she will ask if something is wrong if I even let out a deep sigh.

I have to take her to the dentist as she is badly grinding her teeth in her sleep, on looking on the internet this could be stress/anxiety related??

I know I need to get her away from this mess.

She doesn't see the whole picture as she is still young but she will if I stick around.

I thought you were going to say she was about 18 months old. She is 8

Of course she is aware of everything. Get her out of this situation asap!

You don't really seem to be getting any closer to getting her away though, do you ?

you just keep posting the same threads over and over....looking for what ? For someone to tell you their pathetic addicted dope head turned it around and now life is fabulous

for someone to tell you that you must stay with this loser for the sake of your child ?

not going to happen

the only person who can change this situation is you....and yet, you hang on

Also she will ask if something is wrong if I even let out a deep sigh.

This is part of the behaviour of a child of an addict. Constantly mood-checking family and friends and assuming that they have done something wrong to make the other person angry. Please get her out.

If you are afraid of telling him it's over, please speak to Womens Aid for advice on leaving safely. I know your mum is a waste of space - do you have any other relatives who might be able to help be there when you tell him? Or any friends or even work colleagues? It might feel embarrassing to ask but sometimes you have to just admit you need help. I know if someone at work asked me to help, even if I didn't know them very well, I'd be more than happy to do so, and I'd bring my big hulking 19yr old DS with me too :)

You are not weak, you simply do not want to end it or you would have by now, I've lost count of the amount of threads you have started and still you are there, sorry but we do things because we want to, you obviously don't think it's bad enough to leave, and that, is your prerogative.

To be fair, if shit head had not left, I can't see that I would have ever got out...

The fear is real, tangible and all consuming

It's an enormous leap of faith to know that you will be ok.

Berating someone for being frightened won't help them leave. Telling them it will be ok, and they will kick themselves for not doing so before might help more

Op, One of the reasons I left my H was because it was very clearly pointed out to me that my daughter was being affected by this, not only by the atmosphere at home but also her future, would she end up having a similar relationship to mine?

This one and only point was the one that struck me, like a lightning bolt in my head. How can you honestly forgive yourself if you put her through any more of this?

I was actually terrified of telling her I was going to leave my H and she was absolutely happy about it, almost relieved. Once that hurdle had been crossed I found it a lot easier to go.

You need to put her first, you really do.

op, your daughter needs you to protect her

don't be one of those women who puts their relationship with a useless man ahead of the emotional welfare of her child

Thanks again for all replies, I had taken a week away as I was getting very down and panicky about everything that has been going on.

The last while has been ok, drugs are still there and I guess the realisation is nothing will ever change.

I am having job troubles at the moment and may be made redundant again, so this has been causing me a concern also, as after speaking with H he hasn't mentioned even trying to get a F/T job before the inevitable happened.

The time out has made me realise that everything in my life now seems to be a worry and unhappiness but I think this may stem from an unhappy marriage and the realisation of what has become.

Yes. Horrible to realise isn't it? But, amazing to think you can take control and change things.

woowoo22 ~ Very horrible when the realisation kicks in, its likes I knew and could see what was but suddenly its now like it has become very clear, if that makes sense, its a new kind of feeling but in a way more promising.