Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

staying together because of children (primarily anyway...)

33 replies

Mrsmopnotbucket · 05/04/2015 10:44

Have/are any of you still married because of the children?
My husband has been meeting people for sex (although won't admit it despite all evidence) if we didn't have kids, I would be out the door without a second thought, I still love him though but can't forgive him. I know people say not to stay because of kids but it's not that easy is it? If we split I wouldn't be able to afford to live where we do now, I'd have to go back to work etc, and as I said I do love him still, just can't shake the feelings of betrayal and anger (it's been 3 months).
My question is, if you stayed because of the kids etc, did it work out? Or am
I deluded :(

OP posts:
ALaughAMinute · 05/04/2015 10:50

I'm waiting for my children to finish their education before I get divorced so I'm in a similar position to you. I don't have any answers I'm afraid, but I will be watching this thread with interest to see what advice you are given.

ALaughAMinute · 05/04/2015 10:53

I'm not finding it easy by the way. My kids are 18 and 20 and I am almost at the end of my tether! It's not easy is it? How old are your kids?

CupidStuntSurvivor · 05/04/2015 10:59

My parents stayed together for the kids. It was horrible. The atmosphere was depressing. There was no example of affectionate relationships in my childhood and this has definitely coloured my relationships as an adult. And the speed at which they split once I (the youngest child) moved out really made me resent the fact that they somehow managed to find the solutions to problems like housing once they only had themselves to think about. We all felt that we were their barriers to happiness rather than the reason to be happy.

And a word of warning...catching one of your parents cheating on the other and having to agonise over either keeping it to yourself or breaking the other parent's spirit is something you never get over.

Sickoffrozen · 05/04/2015 11:01

As long as you can cope with him continuing to have sex with other people then go for it!

By staying you would be giving him the green light to carry on.

Meeting people as in lots of people for just sex is surely unforgivable unless agreed beforehand.

Original poster
Mrsmopnotbucket · 05/04/2015 11:02

Mine are four girls, aged 9, 7, 5 and 18 months. A long road ahead of me.
I can cope with putting my life on hold for them, they're my everything. The thing I can't cope with is that he isn't even willing to let the fact we're married stop him from getting on with his. It is horrendous. much love to you :( x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsmopnotbucket · 05/04/2015 11:03

Yes it is unforgivable, I think I'm still coming to terms with it tbh

OP posts:
MaMaof04 · 05/04/2015 11:16

MrsMop
There is a nice thread about marriage recovery- and one by LetUsGotoTheHill. There are cases where the woman stayed for the kids' sake and it eventually worked out. The characteristics of the behaviors of partners whose relationship recovered after infidelity are:
1- The betrayer acknowledges his wrong doings
2- The betrayer apologises and his/her apology is authentic not just lips service
3- The betrayer works hard to change his/her hurtful behavior and to regain trust and love of his/her partner and kids.
The path to recovery is long, not straightforward, tough and not for the faint hearted.
Know however that it CANNOT work if it is just the betrayed partner who is willing to make it work, sells himself/herself cheap and quickly forgive even though the betrayer does not show remorse and does not actively atone for his/her sins.
And of course the start of any recovery process is communication: talk to him and get some counseling for both of you.
So my answer is:
it is unlikely that it will work even if you love him as long as he is not doing anything to make it work and as long as he does not acknowledge his wrongdoing and the pain it causes you. You will just bottle your negative feelings; the kids are very tuned to their parents and will easily pick up on your misery. Kids can strive in small flats if the parent/s feels/feel OK. Kids will be OK if both parents decide to part friendly or if both decide to stay and work hard at their relationships.

Good Luck!

AmyElliotDunne · 05/04/2015 11:18

It's not realistic or desirable for you to stay in a miserable relationship until your 18 month old is grown up! That's ridiculous. You are not doing the best thing for your DCs by subjecting them to this tragic example of a relationship instead of modelling a loving and respectful partnership to emulate as adults.

Divorce doesn't always mean you will be worse off. I'm actually still in the family home and have more disposable income than I had when married. My DCs are happy that our home life is less stressful and they see happy relationships around them in both of their homes, as both their dad and I have met people who are more suitable for us.

If this is still a new revelation then I can understand that you are getting your head around the situation, but you really need to put some proper research into the potential outcomes and try and come up with a better solution than 'turn a blind eye to his infidelity and sit it out for another 18-20 years' - that sounds soul destroying for all involved.

Sickoffrozen · 05/04/2015 11:19

It isn't easy I'll give you that!

It's hard to turn the love button off....

He is taking the piss out of you.

4 young girls too. His behaviour is a disgrace.

MaMaof04 · 05/04/2015 11:46

I agree with Sickoffrozen:
You might decide that you accept his extra-marital sexual encounters.
It is fine. No-one has the right to tell you otherwise. However:
1- He must be open about them. HONESTY is a MUST in any relationship-
especially when kids are involved.
2- you must be honest with yourself and make sure that you are OK with it and not miserable.
Once you have agreed on this route you must still go to some counseling. It is a tough road. But done honestly and with a good will on both sides it can work. Good Luck

thenextday · 05/04/2015 11:54

Recently divorced.
Dcs are doing A levels and GCSEs.......no way I was prepared to grind it out anymore.

crimsonh · 05/04/2015 11:56

Start planning now. Your youngest will be at school in 2 years or so.
Once you sort out your head and find a job the next step won't be that hard.

Clutterbugsmum · 05/04/2015 12:04

Don't say because of the children. Stay because you want too.

I'm and my siblings are your children and it is not nice being in a home where you wish your parents would separate because the arguments, the atmosphere coming from your parents is not a nice way to grow up.

My parents did eventually divorce when we were in our early twenties and it was a relief that everyone could be happy.

Nolim · 05/04/2015 12:12

My parents divorced when i was little and it was the best decision they could make. My mum went back to work, became sucesful in a job she enjoys and eventualy bought a house. I love my dad but i think my siblings and i were beter of living without him.

If your dh is not willing to work on your marriage or even admit that there are issues, are you willing to love like that for the next 15 years or so? He is sleeping around, you know, he knows you know and my guess is that he will keep doing it.

Original poster
Mrsmopnotbucket · 05/04/2015 13:00

He had said he will come to counselling, although if he's not going to be honest then I'm not sure there's much point.
I know I would be fine by myself, I would get a job, we'd cope. I'm just not sure if I can throw away 11 years of marriage without trying...

OP posts:
Cherryapple1 · 05/04/2015 13:06

He has already thrown it away though hasn't he. And no matter how hard you try he has betrayed you? I think you deserve better, and staying together for the children is awful and wrong I think. And sending them the message this is what a relationship should be like.

MaMaof04 · 05/04/2015 13:33

MrsMop
Go to counseling both of you.
It might take him a bit of time before he realizes the enormity of his actions.
Try your best but do not sell yourself cheap.
I will find for you the relevant threads and bring them up just for you.
Good Luck!

Original poster
Mrsmopnotbucket · 05/04/2015 14:15

Thank you Ma.
It sounds silly but I know he loves me, he has issues and I think he could benefit from counselling on his own as well. I'm going to phone relate on Tuesday and go from there I think x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mrsmopnotbucket · 05/04/2015 14:16

I should also add that I'm no pushover, and he knows he is only still here because I want him to be, not because I NEED him..

OP posts:
OutsSelf · 05/04/2015 14:23

Well, look, if you want to make it work and think it can change, great. The only thing is that you must think about what you are modelling for the girls. What you accept from will be their standard of what is reasonable to accept from their own intimate relationships. If it's not good enough for them then it's not good enough for you.

Nolim · 05/04/2015 14:46

Good luck op Flowers

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 05/04/2015 14:53

Mrs mop, I hate to break it to you,but you are a push over. You husband is having multiple affairs, you are profoundly unhappy, but you are not going to move on.

Your daughters will be subconsciously very closely watching your marriage. It will be the bench mark against they measure their future relationships. Don't let their benchmark be in the gutter, which it will be if you stay. Raise the bar.

Very easy to say LTB. In this case however it's almost a no brainer. Your husband has zero respect for you. Zero.

MaMaof04 · 05/04/2015 15:01

It is worth fighting to keep the family together especially if there is mutual love and mutual commitment to make it work.
By doing so, you are giving a wonderful example of resilience and of building up long-term relationships to your kids. Acknowledging mistakes and working hard to atone for them (his role), and in parallel accepting others' mistakes and allowing them to atone for their mistakes (your role) are in my opinion some of the highest human values that are very much underrated nowadays.
Here is a wonderful thread- Read the second post of the OP LetUsGoToTheHill (I just wrote to you in it) Good Luck
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2335502-Surviving-an-affair-long-overdue-update
The other thread is: Support Thread, Marriage in Recovery

MaMaof04 · 05/04/2015 15:05

I will not be able to come and write to support you in the next few days. Remain true to yourself and to your kids- decide the best for you.
Good Luck.

jelliebelly · 05/04/2015 15:17

By all means try and forgive/forget and move on if you really believe he can change but staying "for the children's sake" is just madness - your four girls will think this kind of loveless relationship where the man can do whatever he likes and the woman puts up with it is normal - surely you'd want them to have better relationships themselves?