I really don't know what to do - I don't want to hurt my children

[freshlysharpenedpencils]

I have always been adamant that I would never hurt my children by not being with their father. Now before you all start shouting at me that that doesn't happen... Please, I'm not having a go or presuming anything about anyone else's position/ parenting - I'm talking about my beliefs and how I've been brought up - to think that the family unit is pivotal to a child's well being. I'm also a teacher and I have seen so many times a troubled child Who, when I get down to it - tells me it's because their parents broke up or because of a divorce. I want to believe this isn't true - so please tell me it's not!! But I'm so scared of scarring my children in any way. I wanted them to have a happy fulfilled family home - and both parents.

My partner isn't abusive. He doesn't do anything that you would immediately say would damage our children - so I feel selfish in wanting to break up. But I'm so sick of putting up with him doing so little and me doing so much.

I feel trapped. The thing I can't get out of my head is that if the children didn't exist there is NO WAY id put up with this. But they do and I'm trying so hard to adjust my own expectations. But today I just want him to not exist. Because if he didn't exist id do everything myself and have no one to HATE for how little they do. I'm so upset and fed up. I wish I could run away.

I completely understand where you are coming from. However, one of the most damaging family set ups I know was where both parents were deeply unhappy and marking time until the kids were adult. All four children are scarred for life by it in a way I don't think a divorce would have. A divorce is awful for a period of time, parents who hate each other makes home life unbearable. I can remember my parents meeting up after the divorce and the sheer relief of knowing that wasn't my home life any more. I'm so sorry because I know it's not what you wanted to give your children but you can still give them a happy secure childhood.

I think a lot of people will say that your children will be happier if you are happy and that staying together for the children is not a good idea. I understand that you worry about the damage not being together will do to them but I also think that you would not want them to be in a relationship that makes them unhappy when they are older and they would not want you to either. In my case, I just feel huge relief and people keep telling me how much happier I am, which must be better for my dcs. I also feel very strongly that I have a responsibility to set a good example and teach them to be strong and independent and I couldn't do that in my marriage. How you manage a separation is important but in the long term you may all be happier.
No idea if that makes sense.

My parents are happily divorced. That is the best decision for the whole family.

A lot of the damage done to children by divorce is to do with how their parents handled the whole thing, not in the mere fact that their parents don't live together. Sometimes a split is a positive thing, and not always when one parent is abusive; if they just don't get on it can ruin the atmosphere too. However, if they use the children as sticks to beat each other with, the damage can be dreadful.

Children don't always get what they want, especially when it's not good for them - and I'd argue that the example of one parent doing everything while the other slobs around is not at all a good one. Will your daughters grow up to accept they have to do everything, and that once they have children that's it, they're stuck? Will your sons grow up to believe that all that household stuff is a woman's job, and as long as they don't knock her around they're doing enough? Is this an example they ought to have? For that matter, will you have more energy to spend on them when there isn't an extra drag in the form of a grown-up child?

What kind of a father is he - engaged, hands-on, helping with homework, taking them out at weekends, or just being vaguely nice while you do all that stuff as well? I would argue this is a factor not in whether you should necessarily stay together, but in the residence/access arrangements. A good father will be a good co-parent and you will even learn to appreciate the free time when the kids are with him! If he's nice but a bit useless, as with pretty much everything else, having more limited access may actually encourage him to step up and make the most of the time he does have with them.

And finally: giving yourself permission to leave, and knowing you can and will put it into action, may - just may - give Mr Nice-But-Useless a proper kick up the ass so he finally realises he has to pull his weight. Like an alcoholic, realising he stands to lose everything might be the rock bottom from which he turns it all around. This is by no means guaranteed or even likely, but one thing that is certain is that if you don't change anything, nothing will change. There isn't a magic form of words that will suddenly make someone mend their ways if it isn't in their interests to do so, sadly. If there were you'd have found it by now.

You have painted yourself into a corner, OP. This is understandable given your views. But it will drive you to distraction even further, if you simply try to put up with the situation.

Counselling is not a cure all, but can I suggest it as an option for you. Somewhere away from the family where you can explore how you feel, and consider what you might be able to do. It might give you enough breathing space to help you clear your mind.

Ok , you dont want to break up so do you love him still? Have you actually sat down and discussed at a quiet time how his contribution is unacceptable? Could you try 6 sessions of couples counselling and see if that improves his contribution at home? Could you hire a cleaner once a fortnight? Could you discuss on a sunday the jobs that need doing in the week and decide which ones you are each going to do, just until he gets used to the notion that things dont happen by themselves? Could uoh make ut clear this is makem or break time. Then if nothing changes and you're still unhappy, ask him to leave.

Unless there is a massive drip feed, this seems to be repairable.

I'm a teacher too, I get where you're coming from. I'm
Also from a home where nobody had ever split. My parents are still very happy after nearly 50 years.

I've split from my ex. He was abusive and cheated but that doesn't make any difference. My life would never have reached its potential with him. Yours won't either of you continue feeling this way. Your life is precious- every minute counts. Your children deserve a mummy who is true to herself, happy and fulfilled.

to you. It's not easy but follow your heart. Your children will be fine. Just as mine are and just as millions others are.

They will not turn around in 30 years time and thank you for being miserable. They really won't.

I grew up in a house full of anger and resentment and it scarred me. My parents sometimes didn't speak to each other for three weeks. Not one word!

I think the key to not affecting children too much is to ensure that If you do split, there is no game playing, no jealousy when your ex meets someone else, which can happen very quickly for some people and that regular contact is maintained, even if by phone.

To be fair to my ex, he phoned our child every day when he didn't see them for a number of years and I think this helped.

Unhappiness in a relationship is soul destroying.

Depends how adult you both are as to how it will pan out.

Do you think he is unhappy too deep down?

mamma one sentence there has just rang all the bells with me. my life would never have reached its full potential with him. This is me and my stbxh. He just has no
Ambition and earns half of my Salary, and my salary is a teachers with no TLR. No
Holidays, days out a struggle, no nice gifts ever. I used to get (am) so resentful that im masters educated in a professional
Job and living hand to mouth on a small
Mortgage in a small house :(

Calleigh...did he have a better job when you met?

When my dd was at secondary school she mentioned that her parents were separated, the teacher was very surprised as she was a bright, happy and well adjusted girl. It is not the separation that hurts children, it's the way that the adults act afterwards. If you can both put the children first then there can be a positive outcome for the children.

What are the issues with your relationship? Are you just worn out? What if you stopped doing everything would it really be so bad?

Also my brother and wife are raising 3 children and their relationship seems fine however they have extremely stressful lives due to work pressures. The children aren't happy because both parents are stressed on a regular basis so it isn't just separation that causes children stressful lives.

Calleigh I could have written your post almost to the word.

It's a very hard decision and I totally understand where you are coming from.

My dh finally moved out once dd1 started to try and think of ways to make us stop arguing. She's 4
That was only two weeks ago but although the girls miss daddy they speak several times a day on Skype and I can honestly say that the atmosphere at home is much happier.
Less tantrums, arguments etc from dd1.

I've got more energy to because the relationship isn't draining me.

We may sort things out and we may not but right now this minute we are all happier with him not being here. And he wasn't abusive. Just passive (aggressive)

It's really hard to realise that you won't have that perfect ending of a nuclear family. It feels as if no matter what you do the kids will be damaged when you so desperately want to make things safe and perfect for them. You have my sympathy.

As long as you both work together to keep the kids ok you should be fine.

Yes he had a better paid job when we married. Earned more than me by about £15k. He is also passive aggressive.

If you have got to the stage where you 'HATE' him that's serious. I don't see how you can live with him.

Thank you everyone for your replies. I'm relieved you haven't gone to town on me suggesting not being under same roof as father is damaging. Because I don't want to offend anybody at all. I just worry so much about hurting them. To answer your questions my "kids" are 2 (and now on the way) so I don't know about homework or many of the things to come. The problem with him is that I do 99% of it all. He has a particular selfish attitude in regards to our duties / life together now we have the children. I say children as we will soon have two. He can be sweet and is a great dad in the sense he plays and laughs and our son is absolutely besotted with him. He's not a bad person. Just a selfish one. And can I hides be quite nasty when he's tired.

There are also the same selfish issues when it comes to money. I would be better off really if he left. Financially. The potential thing has struck a nerve with me too. Some days I guess I live with it and can be happy (week days) but things come to a head at the weekend ... When it emphasises his attitude and how much I do compared to him.

I worry I'm confused ... And if I wasn't pregnant would I feel better. It's a sorry sorry shitty situation.

Sorry that is to say we have a 2 year old and a baby on the way.

I left my ex when dd1 was 2 and dd2 was 8 months. I was kind of left with no choice but in hindsight it totally set me free and I am living my life he way I wanted to. He no longer sucks the joy out of my life.

Children who have been 'damaged by divorce' often haven't. They've often been damaged by the life they've led. Divorce can be handled well or it can be handled badly which may cause (more) damage but unless life was just peachy and then there was a shitty divorce (which isn't likely) then it isn't going to be the divorce that damages them.

What does he say when you tell him he needs to contribute more on a practical level with regards to your home life and children?

Also how does he cause financial stress?

He doesn't say much. He says he works... Which is the worst response. Sometimes he says he understands and he will try harder - which is the best response. Doesn't last long. Financially he generally thinks the money he earns is his - tends to waste it. Again - the selfish aspects.

These are his worst qualities - he can sort of "turn a new leaf" every so often and be really lovely, make lovely plans, try really hard with son.... Then it'll go back to usual. He's also very generous when he wants to be with money ... But then I need him to be sensible with it. Not just do what he wants.

I don't want to paint him as a bad man. He's really not. He's a good man and a great dad. I am just so frustrated with our division of labour - and his selfish attitude. Like the kid is mine and anything he does is a favour to me. I always have to strongly acknowledge what he does and I say thank you if he does anything with son.

It's hard to explain everything .... Just to say that many weekends I wake up and wish I was on my own with son - because I'm not being treated fairly / equally / being valued by my other half. Though I wonder if this would happen with anyone.

I think you may have picked out examples to confirm your beliefs OP.

My parents were a complete nightmare - at war - my mother was very unhappy etc - it would have been a lot easier if they'd split. And I also grew up with friends whose parents were unhappy but chose to stay together for the children and it was a nightmare for all involved. (One couple split later to everyone's relief).

What makes children unhappy is unhappy parents, and that's the case whether they're together or apart.

When couples split they have often (not always) been unhappy for a while, so that the unhappiness that may follow divorce is a continuation of the problem but not necessarily the cause.

A couple of my friends, once their parents split, everything was much easier.

I don't think he is that good a man OP. He's a selfish, lazy and inconsiderate man. If you count that as 'good' then your expectations are a bit low.

I suppose my expectations are quite low. I'm yet to meet a man who is everything you would like him to be. My friends say whoever you are with they will have "something"... No one is perfect sort of thing. I am always disappointed by the men I'm with - which is why I now long to be alone. What I mean is - if I could pick any of my exes and put them into my current situation I don't think any of them would be better.

Yes it is my set of beliefs - and I think I'm also worried about judgement by other people. Sad but true. we aren't miserable .... If i can change my expectations. I am miserable on days like today when I don't want to compromise anymore. I think he's pretty happy. He's got a good deal I think. Very easy life for him!

... If I could pick any of my exes ...

That's why they're exes. Now you know that a lazy selfish man is not right for you too. One day there'll be a man who is. You won't find him if you stay with this one, though.