I really don't know what to do - I don't want to hurt my children

[freshlysharpenedpencils]

I have always been adamant that I would never hurt my children by not being with their father. Now before you all start shouting at me that that doesn't happen... Please, I'm not having a go or presuming anything about anyone else's position/ parenting - I'm talking about my beliefs and how I've been brought up - to think that the family unit is pivotal to a child's well being. I'm also a teacher and I have seen so many times a troubled child Who, when I get down to it - tells me it's because their parents broke up or because of a divorce. I want to believe this isn't true - so please tell me it's not!! But I'm so scared of scarring my children in any way. I wanted them to have a happy fulfilled family home - and both parents.

My partner isn't abusive. He doesn't do anything that you would immediately say would damage our children - so I feel selfish in wanting to break up. But I'm so sick of putting up with him doing so little and me doing so much.

I feel trapped. The thing I can't get out of my head is that if the children didn't exist there is NO WAY id put up with this. But they do and I'm trying so hard to adjust my own expectations. But today I just want him to not exist. Because if he didn't exist id do everything myself and have no one to HATE for how little they do. I'm so upset and fed up. I wish I could run away.

No man is going to be everything you'd like him to be, but there are plenty of men who are not selfish, lazy and entitled.

Financially he generally thinks the money he earns is his - tends to waste it.

For me this is a red flag. To not help around the house is very bad (probably he thinks that it is your "job") but to think that he is entitled to waste the family money (it is not his only) shows that he doesnt see you as a partner.

Yes - agreed.

Loving and caring about his child yet doing nothing for him while you do all the work does not make him a great dad.

Only you can decide whether or not to split up, but I agree with the person above who said that the way the parents handle it is very important.

As mothers we never want our children to suffer anything, but children need problems in their lives too or how are they going to be prepared for the problems involved with being an adult? The important thing is to make it as easy as possible for them.

Think about your son who is besotted by him. What do you want your son to learn about marriage and relationships and how men treat women?

He doesn't sound a very good dad. Preparing meals, cleaning clothes, hoovering the carpet etc are all pretty minimum requirements of parenting. If he doesn't respect you and treat you with kindness than that's going to send a pretty worrying message to your children about what relationships with friends and partners should look like.

I think your explanation of why you think divorce damages kids is confirmation bias.

Finally, I think you have made up your mind, but you almost need permission to feel and think the way you do about splitting up. Well, you're going to get it, because the only reason a person needs to leave any relationship is because they want to.

He's sounds truly ghastly. Nearly every woman who posts on here about their unhappy and unfulfilling marriage seems to need to state what a great dad their husband is. When they patently are not. And yours isn't either.

Think on this: what example are you giving your child about what a proper adult partnership should be like? One that means the kids have some kind of Disney Dad who only plays with their kids when it suits but all the daily grind is done by the other party. And he's selfish with family money. That's the main reason you should get your arse out. How fucking dare he?

Sounds like he's got himself a pretty nice life. And all at your expense. Get rid and be happy. Then, your children will be happy, too.

Another thing to bear in mind, OP, is that if you already feel that your DH will not reform and you cannot enjoy your marriage as it is, divorce is harder for children the older they get.

My parents separated when I was 4, my sister 8 and my brother 14. I can honestly say I had a grand childhood and was relatively unaffected, whereas my brother suffered the worst.