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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Help! In laws have arrived for 3 weeks and I'm going mad

46 replies

Sunshineseeker80 · 05/04/2015 02:26

I live abroad with my DH and 14 mo DD. His parents have just arrived for a 3 week visit and I'm not sure I am going to make it through the next few weeks without losing the plot.

The ranty bit.... They are so excited to be here they are just full on. They are constantly, and literally in my DD's face which is sending her hyper. She is loving the attention but I am exhausted already from having to deal with it. DMIL and I have a strained relationship anyway and it's worse since the baby arrived. She does a bloody running commentary to everything and I just feel the need to sit in a dark room to make the constant noise go away. They are not malicious at all, and I know everything comes from a place of love, it's just driving me potty. We just had a row in a cafe because she was pointing at another mother whose baby was playing up saying wasn't DD better behaved and I called her on it saying we shouldn't judge other people etc. and should come from a place of kindness. Then the passive aggression started and she is now only talking to me through my husband. Who is handling the whole situation very badly bless him because he's stuck in the middle and can't do right for doing wrong.

The constructive bit... We are away travelling round the country until next fri, then we are back in work and they are staying in a hotel. So I will only need to see them in the evenings. But how do I bite my tongue not go mad and cause problems. If I go off on my own for some 'me time' it's seen as a big deal. If I stay there I just can't seem to behave constructively, I just get more and more annoyed and more and more short with them which is making things worse. Why can't I be a grown up instead of a petchulent child??

I know this isn't a massive deal in the scheme of things but I want to get through the next few weeks without heading towards the divorce courts. I think. That would at least solve the problem

OP posts:

GettingEggyWithIt · 05/04/2015 02:48

You're not being petulant and she is just being proud grandma. Can you just pretend there's a film crew following you and act accordingly I.e. the best you. I do this when my babies play up in cafes Smile and wave Op smile and wave. Just do the countdown in your head and rise above like the serene swan that you are. Then take it out on DP later. In the meantime rather than joining in the PA tomfoolery, make her a brew, grit your teeth, apologise for being a bit curt before...make up a friend or relative with a difficult baby so you always take the mum's side in these thing blah blah blah and you have had a bit of a headache today caused by her
really pleased she is there, can she read the goodnight story blah blah blah
Give her granny type tasks to do and big her up for them. Then drink more

WitchesGlove · 05/04/2015 02:51

You need to have a serious talk with your husband about them.

It needs to be him that tells them to tone it down and give you some space. Did you agree to them coming for 3 weeks in the first place?

Or did they just invite themselves?

Could they afford a hotel?

WorkingBling · 05/04/2015 03:44

I sympathise but think you have to grin and bear it. Things like in the cafe would annoy me too but honestly, a mild comment that you cant judge others is much better than telling a grown woman to be kinder.

I do think alone time is fine though. Invent chores that need doing. Be grateful that pil are there to lol after dd while you pop to shops/head upstairs to sort washing/meet a friend who needs a shoulder to cry in. You dont have to blatantly say it's to get a break.

The craziness will calm down. The first day or two are manic but then dd and mil will be more used to each other.

base9 · 05/04/2015 03:54

Never again agree to a visit that your dh cannot manage by himself. I know it is hard when you live abroad, but if he cannot take time off to be in charge of his dp, then no visit. All these problems arise b/c you are left to entertain and tour them and he's at work, right? You now know this to be unworkable. Learn and do not repeat.

reallybadidea · 05/04/2015 04:06

Unless you're underplaying what they're like, it doesn't sound that bad TBH. I imagine her POV would be something like:

'Haven't seen son, DIL and grandchild for ages, so excited to be seeing them, have missed them so much. It's lovely to spend time with the baby, she's changed already. Unfortunately DIL clearly can't stand me, whatever I say annoys her. I tried to compliment her on how well her baby behaves but that was taken the wrong way too, and she lectured me in public on how dreadful I am. Totally humiliating. I'm scared to say anything now so trying to only speak to son in case I say the wrong thing again. I was looking forward to spending time with them both, but DIL avoids being in the same room as me. I was so looking forward to this visit and it's already spoiled.'

I feel sorry for her.

everynameisbloodytaken · 05/04/2015 06:28

I'm with reallybadidea here... Its for 3 weeks, not even that.
Suck it up, put on your best oscar acting performance that your having a good time.
what's your relationship with your own mother like? l

Horsemad · 05/04/2015 08:35

They're there now so you either need to grit your teeth and get on with it, or say your piece and be seen forever as the Bad DIL.

If you grit your teeth, then do NOT allow a 3 wk visit again, clearly it is too much for you to cope with.

Hidingmyidentity · 05/04/2015 08:39

Why would you feel the need to call her on her behaviour in the cafe? In her own way she was being complimentary, you decided to tell her off over comments about a complete stranger.

momtothree · 05/04/2015 08:42

Problem is GP barge in and want things done Their way maybe if GP took a step back and let DIL guide them things would be better? My FIL used to wind the kids up just before bed, when they had been sitting quietly ready to go to sleep -

Rebecca2014 · 05/04/2015 08:49

Where is your husband in all of this?? Are you entertaining them by yourself?

I do think you are being unreasonable, you chose to move abroad I believe so you need accept you will have guests from your husband side of his family. Also the café argument sounds very petty and you could have easily ignored that comment, instead it sounds like you were itching for a fight. I do feel sorry for your mil, how dare she be excited about seeing her grandchild and showing her lots of attention!!

I am so glad I do not have a son because I won't have to deal with a petty dil. I hope you have a son one day because your be in the same exact situation...hehe

Rebecca2014 · 05/04/2015 08:57

I just get more and more annoyed and more and more short with them which is making things worse. Why can't I be a grown up instead of a petchulent child??

Also, how rude.

Queenofwands · 05/04/2015 09:34

Made me think of myself this, I agree that the OP is being unreasonable, but to be fair she admitted that. It comes down to the fact that it is horrible to be cooped up with someone who grates on you....and once you have tuned in you can't tune out. I suspect that the OP is an introvert. Having friends staying for three weeks could also be difficult for her. Perhaps not her own Mum, but you can be more relaxed with your own Family usually. Perhaps I am speaking for myself, as whilst I come across as extrovert and chatty, it drains me and I have to retreat to my own space to recharge.

I would suggest that you speak to your MIL and explain that it's not her and apologise for the comment in the cafe. Try to repair the relationship, as if you don't your husband will resent you. How would you feel if he made your Mum feel unwelcome in your home? It's easier said than done but if you find something to connect with it will stop her getting on your nerves so much. She loves your child ....perhaps start with that?

Original poster

Sunshineseeker80 · 05/04/2015 10:01

Thanks all for your thoughts. As queenofwands suggested, I wasn't asking AIBU. I know I am being unreasonable in being quite so annoyed by the whole thing and was more interested in suggestions on how to be less annoyed. I am not suggesting at all that she is toxic or nasty. We just fundamentally have different personalities and the loudness and keenness of hers irrationally irritates me.
Re the cafe. We were sat less than 4 feet away from the woman whose baby was tantrumming. MIL is loud and opinionated. The lady could hear her and I felt bad for her. But probably it would've been easier to bite my lip. DH also agreed with me and he has since apologised. I think she was more annoyed with him tbh. It's been better since I posted earlier, I think DH has asked her to tone it down a bit. It's the downside of living abroad - we get all the annoyances squeezed into a few weeks rather than watered down throughout the year. I've read enough threads on here to know that hotel is preferable so when we are back in our home town next week they are in a hotel (our house is tiny). It's just this week when we are all away from home.
I think breathing deeply, counting down the days and leaving them to it when I can is the answer.

OP posts:

mummytime · 05/04/2015 10:28

I would also think of an excuse to be able to sneak off for a break. Recurrent headaches? Lack of sleep? Anything. And ignore any snide comments from them. Lots of people cannot cope with being "in public" all the time.
Good luck!

Scotinoz · 05/04/2015 11:35

Been there, done it. In laws and parents for extended visits.

It's not unreasonable to have people for a few weeks when you're overseas, even though it's super hard work.

Honestly, I say suck it up for the time they're staying. It's easier in the long run. Find a reason to head out on your own with baby - shops, errands, appointments etc. Alternatively, send them out - take baby to park, for walk, errands etc.

You just need to train them a bit .

It's hard work though. I had the same with my inlaws over new year. Nearly killed them over the stupidity. Husband was happy though, they were happy, our little one was happy....

pocketsaviour · 05/04/2015 11:41

OP I totally sympathise as I'm a complete introvert. I would have trouble taking 3 hours of this, let alone 3 weeks.

Can you (with DH fully aware) come up with a plan that gives you at least an hour of "alone time" every day? Migraine, period cramps, bad ankle, a pressing need to do something for work, take baby to "doctors appointment" (park) or a "prearranged" playdate?

Or - lay your cards on the table and be really clear and say "I'm an introvert and I need quiet alone time every day to recharge. It's not an insult to you, I love you both but I get overwhelmed by the constant stimulus of interactions." Do you think she would understand that? She sounds a bit PA so if you think it would make her even more insufferable, just go with lying instead.

Horsemad · 05/04/2015 11:55

This actually stopped me moving away from where we live now (currently near in-laws) as DH said he'd want to see his family fairly frequently and I couldn't stand the thought of hosting them. They are very 'naice', just not people I want to spend time with. This way, I never have to host yet he can see them as often as he likes!

ChinUpChestOut · 05/04/2015 11:55

Still overseas, so also been there, done it.

My MIL also kept up a running commentary everywhere, mainly focussing on what we were doing for lunch/dinner etc. Slightly worse with my own DPs who required even more entertaining, but still continued with constant chat about TV programmes, information about people we didn't know. It was as though a year's worth of family life was being fitted into 3 weeks, and they had forgotten that we had spoken every week by phone for the last year. Exhausting for us, and it must have been for them too. I can't imagine it being a very relaxing holiday. But I feel for you OP. And always for 3 weeks. That magic number.

I used to hide in the pantry. Get up earlier. Arrange unbreakable appointments either just for me, or with DS. Could you have the ILs babysit and you and DP go out for a night. Arrange sightseeing activities for them that don't include you? Arrange a playdate for DD where their presence isn't necessary? ("full of screaming toddlers, you'd hate it")

And drink more.

Fontella · 05/04/2015 12:13

My MIL also kept up a running commentary everywhere, mainly focussing on what we were doing for lunch/dinner etc.

I've also got a close relative who does this and it drives me absolutely fucking nuts! I can do about an hour with her and then I've got to get out of there, so always have some excuse ready as to why I must dash. Phone conversations are spent mostly with me holding the phone away from my ear so I don't have to hear her and then I have to pretend someone has knocked on the door or some other 'emergency' has come up so I can end the call.

I couldn't do three weeks of it - not if I got paid by the hour and a bonus at the end.

I hate myself for being like this but she winds me up terribly, even though she is a lovely, genuine kind person who means well. It's just the constant running commentary to everything that does my head in. And even if I try and hurry her along, or say, 'yes, you've told me this already' ... she still just carries on unfazed.

Deep breaths .....!

Scotinoz · 05/04/2015 12:20

ChinUpChestOut - My MIL also kept up a running commentary everywhere, mainly focussing on what we were doing for lunch/dinner etc.

Do we have the same MIL?!

Scotinoz · 05/04/2015 12:23

Mine also shows constant surprise that we don't get the BBC or ITV, that supermarkets don't stock the same brands as Tesco etc etc

nozzz · 05/04/2015 12:33

As said, It doesn't sound too bad really. Just sending positive thoughts.

Goldmandra · 05/04/2015 12:36

Three weeks of anyone, however close they were, in my house would drive me doolally!

My MIL used to do the running commentary thing and it included constant references to DH's shortcomings, DD2's shortcomings, snide comments about my sister being lone parent, racism, sexism and homophobia but every time it was very subtle and hard to challenge. I found an hour in her company ridiculously stressful and the very few weekends she visited our house were singularly unpleasant. The mere thought of three weeks with her makes me cringe.

OP, I get where you're coming from and I think you need to plan some timeout for yourself and ignore any comments. Your MIL will probably feel more relaxed while you're not around which will benefit her, your Dh and your DD and you will find it easier to be pleasant after a break.

momtothree · 05/04/2015 12:37

I have 1 friend who visits - she has been the only one to ask house hold rules!! She was a great guest took herself off in the afternoon to read for an hour - had a later shower - ie after the kids got up to pee .... checked on bed time routine ... offered to help in the kitchen ... didnt offer advice - made tea for everyone. Was useful but not over bearing.

toffeeboffin · 05/04/2015 23:43

I know exactly how you feel. Just spent two days one night with the in laws and that was enough. All the family in DS's face, way too much for him, and me, ha!

Just try and put yourself outside of the situation, as in, think of how irrelevant this will be in three weeks time. Smile and laugh even though you feel like screaming and leaving the country. Not sure if your in laws speak English, mine dont and I find speaking their language exhausting.

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