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Original poster

Help! In laws have arrived for 3 weeks and I'm going mad

46 replies

Sunshineseeker80 · 05/04/2015 02:26

I live abroad with my DH and 14 mo DD. His parents have just arrived for a 3 week visit and I'm not sure I am going to make it through the next few weeks without losing the plot.

The ranty bit.... They are so excited to be here they are just full on. They are constantly, and literally in my DD's face which is sending her hyper. She is loving the attention but I am exhausted already from having to deal with it. DMIL and I have a strained relationship anyway and it's worse since the baby arrived. She does a bloody running commentary to everything and I just feel the need to sit in a dark room to make the constant noise go away. They are not malicious at all, and I know everything comes from a place of love, it's just driving me potty. We just had a row in a cafe because she was pointing at another mother whose baby was playing up saying wasn't DD better behaved and I called her on it saying we shouldn't judge other people etc. and should come from a place of kindness. Then the passive aggression started and she is now only talking to me through my husband. Who is handling the whole situation very badly bless him because he's stuck in the middle and can't do right for doing wrong.

The constructive bit... We are away travelling round the country until next fri, then we are back in work and they are staying in a hotel. So I will only need to see them in the evenings. But how do I bite my tongue not go mad and cause problems. If I go off on my own for some 'me time' it's seen as a big deal. If I stay there I just can't seem to behave constructively, I just get more and more annoyed and more and more short with them which is making things worse. Why can't I be a grown up instead of a petchulent child??

I know this isn't a massive deal in the scheme of things but I want to get through the next few weeks without heading towards the divorce courts. I think. That would at least solve the problem

OP posts:

toffeeboffin · 05/04/2015 23:49

Don't be shy and have some you time. Better than first degree murder, and the in laws wont mind, I can bet.

toffeeboffin · 05/04/2015 23:53

My MIL told me off this weekend for using the wrong tea towel... I had to leave the kitchen and just breeeaaatthhe....

BlackeyedSusan · 06/04/2015 01:03

I suspect that you are going to be called into a few work meetings in the pub late in the day, medical appointments?

lunalelle · 06/04/2015 03:43

We frequently host my husband's friends and relatives as we live in Greater London. He comes from Latin America, so it is also very much expected that you must receive all the rellies. I smile and nod, mostly, go into work for a couple of days 'Feel free to go out without me!' ;) which he does, and I just make a big thing of it being nice for him to speak entirely in his mother tongue as most of his 'people' are very polite and try to speak only in English when I am there.

I don't really like visitors in my home tbh but I just go with it as much as possible because it is good for his mental health being so far from his country and support network. I would be willing to move there, but he doesn't want to as the working conditions are pretty depressing.

TheGirlAtTheRockShow · 06/04/2015 04:06

I feel for you, I could not do 3 weeks of MIL. We've been at the in laws for 3 days and I'm ready to throttle her.
She's lovely, just over bearing. She also can't do quiet so is constantly prattling on about nothing just for the sake of it. I hate it, I tune out and just smile and make noises as if I'm listening intently.
Hope you manage to find some time to recharge and get through the visit without committing murder!

Plarail123 · 06/04/2015 07:26

I am in the same position as you and I cope with it by letting DH do a lot with the PILS and GC. I make excuses about work do's etc and try to avoid too much contact. You also have to just endure the winding the GC up bit, it's so difficult but the kids do love it and you never know if they will see the GPs again. you can do it!

ptumbi · 06/04/2015 09:20

Rebecca -how rude are you? The op 'chose' to move abroad, so should expect to be put upon for 3 weeks? What about Luna, whose dp is from another country? Should she just expect his relatives to descend on them for weeks, in UK?
Op, no advice, other than -just because they are on holiday, doesn't mean your world revolves round them. Do what you normally (time away, read, long bath etc) and they should work round you and your family. They've really come to see dh and dd anyway.

tobysmum77 · 06/04/2015 16:53

I think the running commentary thing is nerves and trying too hard. Breathe deeply op, 3 weeks isn't that long in the grand scheme of things to have no personal space

YokoUhOh · 06/04/2015 17:08

I think the running commentary thing is just a past-generational, fuddy-duddy thing. MIL does it all day long and it makes me want to go on a shooting spree. Apparently her mother did it too. It goes something like this:

Gets up and goes down to kitchen and switches kettle on. Ooooh c'mon now kettle, let's get going, the vicar must have his on too because it's taking a while, looks like the hamsters in their wheels are going to have to get moving in the basement if we're going to get this cup of tea...

Literally all day long. I have nothing to say, nothing to give, I try to ignore it but mostly just can't believe someone would chunter such utter nonsense 24/7.

KittyandTeal · 06/04/2015 17:16

Good lord she sounds like my mil. She drives me potty. The incessant chatter about crap.

Plus the lack of social understanding, like insisting on coming to visit 2 days after I got out of hospital after our dd2 was stillborn (after weeks of tests and scans) because she'd not yet seen our new house! Her opening line was 'never mind, it's hard but you'll forget soon enough'.

She is well meaning and loves dd1 (obviously doesn't have a clue how she feels about dd2)

I think I need to take some of this advice too.

I understand how draining it is. We're doing 4 days away with them in Aug and I'm dreading it!

Skiptonlass · 06/04/2015 17:30

Are you a gym member? Get at least an hour to yourself every night by going ( if you can't do every night, then every other) or go for a run alone, or tell people you are then go drive and look at the scenery for an hour....

Pitch it as, " I am SO happy you're here to see us - you know, being able to pop out to the gym for an hour and know dd is having loads of fun with you is just wonderful, thank you so much!"

I'm quite introverted. I like people but I need my own space and I find company really draining, even if it's people I love. The two things I do to keep my sanity with visitors are arranging 'me' time (like the gym) and having a 'get out' signal with my hubby. We agree an innocuous phrase beforehand that can be dropped into any situation and which signals that one or the other of us needs time out/rescue/quiet.

I find this helps to keep me sane when we have visitors...the key is to take it in small chunks and be confident you can fire your 'get out' signal as a backup!

ptumbi · 07/04/2015 09:03

The talking 'nothing' for hours is exhausting!

I remember The Simpsons episode where Carl is standing by the 'outgoing mail' box. Lenny comes along and puts a package in 'outgoing mail' box.
Carl - 'sending some outgoing mail?'
Lenny - you know it!'
Carl -'yeah, I might send some tomorrow'
Lenny - 'I hear that!'
High fives all round. How many minutes spent talking about something they've already seen and needs no explanation?

Madness

Lottapianos · 07/04/2015 09:10

The incessant talking sounds unbearable. My MIL sits in front of the telly all day, occasionally arsing about with a crossword puzzle, in virtual silence, for hours and hours on end. I spent almost the whole of the August bank holiday like this last year. It was one of the worst weekends of my life.

I honestly don't know whether the incessant chatter or crushing silence would be worse 3 weeks though - dear god OP. You deserve a damehood or something.

YokoUhOh · 07/04/2015 11:45

Incessant talking is worse, way worse MIL is also an authoritarian personality type so thinks DH should 'obey' her - pahaha! A few weeks ago DS was kicking off about Cheddars or something and she emerged from the kitchen chuntering, 'WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO YOU? I'LL CALL SOCIAL SERVICES!' and DH made a 'leave it' sign to her as we wrestled DS upstairs. Well, the subsequent gnashing and wailing from MIL might have suggested we'd told the Queen to fuck off or something: 'You're my SON! You should RESPECT ME!'. No matter that we were trying to parent while she undermined us, or anything

Aaaaaand BREATHE

Nydj · 07/04/2015 12:51

Gets up and goes down to kitchen and switches kettle on. Ooooh c'mon now kettle, let's get going, the vicar must have his on too because it's taking a while, looks like the hamsters in their wheels are going to have to get moving in the basement if we're going to get this cup of tea...

This is my sister in law who is a kind person and who would not hurt a fly but goodness, its hard to keep smiling and reacting positively to the non-stop 'humorous' chatter.

toffeeboffin · 07/04/2015 13:19

I'll raise you a French MIL... [grin

toffeeboffin · 07/04/2015 13:21

Sorry, grin means obviously.

At least mine doesn't talk that much, well, not to me anyway, due to my limited French!

GoooRooo · 07/04/2015 13:27

Sunshineseeker I completely empathise. My MIL does things that completely get on my wick (e.g she follows me from room to room, and stands outside the toilet when I'm having a wee and talks through the door) - it's suffocating. I know she is not malicious and I know I am being unreasonable in being annoyed about that and the gazillion other things that grate on me.

I can't even hide in the toilet to get away for a few minutes!

I just have to grin and bear it and I'm afraid I think you have to too. Just remember, it's not forever. It will be over soon. DH will love you for being accomodating and friendly and your DC will have a relationship with their DGs - who adore them.

ChinUpChestOut · 07/04/2015 13:29

"Good morning ChinUp did you sleep well? I've laid the breakfast table, and put out all the breakfast cereals and all the bowls now where did I put the milk oh here it is shall I make you a cup of tea DH DH did you want another cup shall I make another cup then? I'll just make some more tea oh look I need to put some more water in the kettle what does DS have for breakfast DS DS what do you want for breakfast cereal here it is then now where's your bowl here it is I"ll just pour the cereal in there done it now where's the milk here it is there you are DS have you got your spoon there now you can eat your breakfast ChinUp did you want another cup of tea what are you planning to do today shopping I noticed we need some more milk we must make a list do you drive to the supermarket what are they like do they have a good selection ChinUp ChinUp why are you under the table drinking gin?"

shovetheholly · 07/04/2015 14:43

Oh gosh, OP, I would be going mental in your shoes.

I am sure your in laws mean well. I am sure it all comes from a good, loving place. But that does not mean that it's easy for you to deal with the constant noise and bustle. I think this is about you being quite sensitive, but prepared to make an effort to meet in the middle, while they ride roughshod over you, assuming that their way is right a and not listening to all the warning shots you're politely and delicately firing.

The only way to deal with people who are socially leadenfooted is directly and unambiguously. The same way they are with you! Tell your DP that you need time out in the day, every day, and take it. Grab some me time, and let him deal with the noise and work they create. This doesn't have to be by yourself: spending time with sympathetic friends who don't ignore your way of being can be a support and tonic at a tough time. What about a spa day? Sounds like you deserve one! Or a walk with friends, or whatever makes you feel relaxed.

Good luck!

shovetheholly · 07/04/2015 14:45

Ps my MIL suffers similar verbal diarrhoea and it drives me potty. When she starts reading out random street names, shop signs and road signs in the car, I honestly feel like crying.

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