Is anyone awake? Partner has broken up with me and I'm devastated.

[LostAgainToday]

My partner has told me they can't be with me anymore and I'm absolutely devastated.

I don't know what to do with myself, I'm so sad. I can't feel anything at the moment other than crushing sadness and I've cried and cried all day.

I barely slept last night and I can't sleep now, I've taken Kalms but it isn't helping. I feel red hot and my head is a total mess.

DS is with his dad thankfully but is back in 2 days. I don't know how I'm going to cope again. I had a very long relationship end over 3 years ago and I feel as crushed now as I did then. DS is 7. He is part of the reasonpartner is going as they have been finding it too hard. Partner is suffering from Anxiety too. I have lost my job in the last 3 months and have other very stressful things happening.

I don"t really know what I want anyone to say...I don't know what to say myself I'm just so overwhelmed.

This is why it's called "the dark night of the soul" - wee small hours make everything seem horrible.

It sounds like you have been having a crushing few months, so for today, try and eat well, don't booze too much, read a good book, watch a crummy Easter film. If you have friends or family close, grab some Easter eggs and go see them for s bit of tlc.

Most of all, keep talking to us. Other wiser souls than I will be along soon x

OP, I'm so sorry you're going through this.
If your DP can't cope with your DS then it's maybe better for all three of you in the long term but I know it won't feel like that now.
Let yourself grieve for the loss of the future you planned then I hope you find the strength to make new plans for yourself and DS.

In the middle of th night we are all children and poets, struggling its being - Martin amis.

It is overwhelming. It is less so in th morning. Things aren't better but somehow you are better to deal with it.

If you can find a way to sleep, it will help.

I didn't want to read and run, you sound as though you've had a huge amount to deal with in a short space of time.

Red hot will be because of the crying most likely.

I hope you manage to get some rest (maybe a cool shower would improve the hot feeling?), the path is often easier to see when you're not exhausted.

Thank you everyone. I feel better just knowing someone else is out there. I want to hold on to someone right now.

I know that it is probably for the best that they are going if they can't cope with DS. I know it will be better for all in the end but I can't get my head round anything right now.

I thought we could work through our problems but it seems we can't. I've felt helpless watching the anxiety as I've had it myself in the past and know how awful and unpredictable it is. I've helped as much as I can but I know that I probably haven't been as supportive as I could have been in situations concerning DS mostly. I didn't realise things were so bad there.

I had to resign from my job in January which is being pursued legally and things seem to have been going downhill since then. They have found it stressful and difficult having me around the house I suspect as they liked their own space.

Partner gave up a job and moved cities to be with me, I know it was a big thing for them.

There's more but I feel tired. I should put my phone down for now and try rest. Thank you to all who have taken the time to reply..you have comforted me from afar.

Don't want to read and run. Hugs and flowers x

We are here. You are insightful - if he/she (you don't specify) can't cope with your child, then they are not the partner you need, though not necessarily your fault.

Chocolate, tea, and a good self-help book - Vera Pfeifer's 'How to cope with splitting up' is an excellent read. Obviously this will be a hurtful experience, so be really nice to yourself x

Their fault, I mean!

Not everyone can cope with having step-child. Perhaps it is better that they decided sooner than later that is better to go separate ways.
You will be holding on to your day routine as your DS needs it.

Kalms only works up to one hour from taking it then you will be awake for sometime until you get tired again.

It is normal that you feel low, heartbroken....

It sounds like it's been a crappy year for you OP. Don't let it break you. Lots of people around if you want to talk xx

Although it's hard to realize it, but remember that others have been broken-hearted, too, and have gotten through it. You will, too. Give yourself time to grieve for what you've lost. Don't expect too much of yourself right away. Just concentrate on day by day.

I actually think you'll be fine when DS comes home. He'll give you something to focus on. He can give you some cuddles and you can concentrate on taking care of him.

Breathe, take it slowly.

OP all us MNers hope that you can find courage to deal with this tough time ...exercise tomorrow. .. Might help. It helps me

Oh no, I hope you're feeling ok
I agree that everything seems so much worse at these hours.
I'm currently awake after having an argument with my partner via phone whilst he was out, and he hasn't come back yet so I can't get to sleep.
I don't have any words of wisdom, but I'm sure in time it will get better for you. And you have your lovely little DS to keep you company, too, once he is back

Just remember, you got through it after your long relationship and you can do it again.
Find your strength and be nice to yourself (((hugs)))
In all my troubles I like to go outside and remind myself that the sky, the ground, the air, it's all still there and the world is living and I take a deep breath and take it all in and force myself to smile. (The smile usually comes naturally tbh)

So many more replies. Thank you! Firstly, RL20 I hope your partner shows up soon, it must be awful wondering where he is and not being able to sleep. Hopefully he comes back very soon or that he is safely asleep on a mate's sofa. Sending you a massive hug.

lunalelle my EX-P is a she. I didn't specify in case she spots this thread, she is on MN sometimes but don't think she reads relationships. I hope not! Doesn't matter now anyway as itis here and instantly recognisable to her

I have managed to sleep for about an hour, woke with a banging headache. Will try again. I can only seem to manage mini-naps.

I know I have a lot to work through and think about. She isn't at fault really, she hasn't really lived with anyone before in a relationship, nevermind a child too. DS and her got on well for the most part but at times we did discuss his behaviour toward her and I am afraid to say sometimes I didn't support her and how she felt and instead defended DS as it felt as if she was being harsh when it wasn't needed. He is a very bright boy and an only child. He needs a lot of attention and talks non-stop. I could switch off more when I needed but I know she found it harder. He is a well-behaved boy and rarely intentionally naughty which is why I felt some of the thingsshe said were unjustified. With hindsight I should have put my arm around her when she expressed how difficult she found him sometimes and told her I understood. They did lots of things together and I know he really likes her. She did try. I feel this situation is mostly my fault.

She also struggles with not having her friends close and I know they have been there for her through difficult times in the past. She told me she needs her friends in her life in a big way. Unfortunately I felt I didn't really fit in with some of her friendship group and found it awkward on the few occasions I met them. I know now how hard she found this and wanted me to be with her on days out and trips which I was sometimes reluctant to do. A couple of them have kids but they are much younger than DS. I just didn't feel I had much in common with them and wasn't in on all the jokes etc. I know this isn't really a reflection on any of us..just the way it is.

Since I resigned from my job, she has admitted that she had started feeling anxious and has had anxiety attacks. She went to see her GP and was prescribed Citaloptam but decided not to take it as didn't want the total numbing of everything they can give. I get this. She has instead started some counselling and has her second session in a few days.

She is still here, she has nowhere to go. It's hard as she only knows a few people here but I think she might ask to stay at a friends house after the bank holiday. I don't know how much her anxiety has influenced her feelings or if our relationship is the cause of it. She has childhood issues I know about and I know that is being discussed.

She says she doesn't really know what to do but can't be with me. I'm trying to do the right thing and not give her a hard time. We both have a part in it and I can't ask her to stay if she can't cope. I am truly devastated. I love her so much and she knows it. I thought after all the work-related stuff was over we could start again, I thought a large part of it was the stress we have been under due to that but it is clearly more.

Thank you for reading this. I'm trying to order my thoughts and make some sense of it. I am grieving. For her, for us, for the things we will never do together. I really do love her

It's odd that we all automatically assumed it was a he. Perhaps because you mentioned you have a DS, although of course that doesn't mean anything! So apologies for the assumption!

Had a bit of an emotional night, have had around 15 minutes sleep throughout the whole night and now have a headache, as well as being 38 weeks pregnant. Have ended up driving to my mums house just to get out, and other half has now finally decided to get in touch and said he is on his way back. But enough about my story.

I know how awful break ups are, I've split up with my current other half before a few years back and it felt horrendous. There isn't any words to describe how you feel is there? I suddenly felt desperate and needy and felt incredibly sorry for myself. I didn't have the energy to take a shower or anything at the time, which sounds awful but I just sank into like a depression. After about 4 weeks I started to feel a bit better.
It sound very mother earthy but it really is about finding yourself again, even when you can't be arsed to find a hairbrush, in my case!
It's hard for me to give out advice when I don't practice what I preach, and you may not take any advice either. It's just about getting through it, taking it day by day and believe it or not there will be an hour gone by at one point and you'll realise you haven't thought about her for that hour, and that length of time will slowly increase.
Sending you hugs

Lost, don't blame yourself. As a mother you should put your DS first as you have done.
It sounds as though your partner isn't suited to family life.

Hope you managed to get some sleep.

Go and run yourself a hot bath, put some shower gel or bubble bath in the water and if you have some salt chuck a palm full of salt in. Get in the bath and try to relax in the water. Repeat as needed.

The bath water will help your body to relax so even though you haven't had much sleep you should feel better.

Be kind to yourself and go and get some milk and real green and blacks hot chocolate to make this evening for after another bath.

If you can accept that you are going to be awake for parts of the night it will be easier to cope with.

The worst thing you can do is get on your phone when or if you do wake, if you can resist it will be better for your brain to be unstimulated by the phone.
Most of all take care of yourself, your body is going through some big chemical changes, we forget this part of a breakup real dies alter what is happening in our bodies.

Best wishes

I agree that she doesn't seem suited to family life. If she is still there, though, perhaps you could ask her to sit down and discuss if there is anything you could do to help, or if she thinks this could be worked out, and if so, how.

It sounds like she is both lonely and overwhelmed, but it's time to communicate honestly and frankly :)

Also, if neither of you are working, could she be worried about finances? Some people feel they have 'failed' if they can't earn enough money to support both themselves and/or their family.

How long were you together?

Hi again,

I managed to doze off again after my last post. It is probably around 2.5-3 hours sleep last night and the same before. I know I need to get more.

She has gone with a bag full of clothes to stay with some friends about 40 mins drive away. They came to pick her up.

We managed to talk this morning some more and we have decided that she needs some space at the very least. I told her I don't want her to go, that I love her and I've had a wake up call. I will do what I can to make it work. We talked about some of the things that come round every couple of weeks in recent times and are never resolved.

I don't know if she will be back or if she already knows, or if having time and space to herself will help. I can only go on as if I'm alone to help minimise any bad news. We will see. I hope she thinks we are worth it, I think we can work though things with a bit of effort and lots of communication. I suspect I may be feeling low myself with everything going on. My self-esteem isn't great at the moment being out of work and going to the jobcentre is a nightmare. It's not my fault I'm out of work (discrimination issue) but they make me feel terrible about myself and should just be able to get a job just like that!

I have said I will call a halt to all the legal happenings if it is upsetting her that much. I want her more than I want justice. It has cost me my job, I don't want to lose her too!

She does work and we have a small buffer in our bank accounts, I don't think money is the biggest issue. She said herself she is very sensitive and is worried sick about a tribunal happening and what they might try come back at me with.

We have been 'official' since October 2012 and she moved in here Dec 13 after finding a job. I know she found this really hard as the job she left was better paid and more hours. She was also happy in her house and had all her friends around her. I know shetook a big chance on living with me and DS, none of us could have predicted how it would be. She said she realised she needs more space of her own since moving in etc

If I could put my finger on when things started going wrong it seemed to be after I resigned in January. Knowing this would start down a legal route as a result seems to have knocked her for 6. It may be something else...I don't really know and I don't know that she does.

I feel we have something worth saving, we were very much in love and it has blindsided me really. I hope it is just temporary but realise I should prepare myself for the worst.

In the meantime, she is with friends and away from the house. I have had a shower, done my hair, eaten a teaspoon of peanut butter and half a banana and am going out in an hour to walk a couple of dogs (not mine!) my sisters are coming down later to keep me company for a bit and bring something to help me sleep tonight.

I don't think I can cry anymore (although I know I will) my face is raw and my eyes are knackered. I want to get under the duvet really but I don't want to be alone with my thoughts today.

Ds has has a great time and is staying with his beloved grandma tonight so I'm happy. He is back tomorrow so a good sleep tonight is important. I don't want him to see me in a mess. He has been through it with me last time and had only just turned 4. He is a lovely boy and I love him more than anything else. I know I must be strong for him.

Thank you for all your kind words and I will try take everything on board.

To the poster who was up because DH was out - I'm.glad he was safe and I hope you sorted it out

Hi Lost
I do hope that your sisters are looking after you and that you are able to sleep better tonight. Give your other half a day or two's space, she might be better able to articulate what needs to change on both sides. It could be that she is feeling under pressure as the so-called breadwinner now and/or that she thinks you will need to vent every day of the court case (totally understandably I might add) and that she's finding that hard to reckon with as first line support so to speak. Add depression to that mix and the fact that she moved to your city and it's a pressure cooker right there. But I do hope she chooses to come back and that you can work things out. You obviously really care about her.

I am glad you got some sleep. Perhaps some time away will give her the space to think how things can work out.

I have also recently been forced to resign from my work due to discrimination ( I have a disability ) but I decided not to pursue tribunal because of the stress involved. I just wanted to move on. However, I didn't have any evidence, so ymmv if you think you have a solid case.

Remember the London Lesbian and Gay Switchboard is there as well - you can call them for emotional support if you want to talk! xx

Morning,

Just checking in to say that I managed to have 6 hours of sleep in a block on Sunday night and was able to function better yesterday.

I walked up to see my one of my sisters after spending 2 hours on the phone with her first! It was a lovely day so I wanted to get out and get some fresh air. It was nice to be out and sitting talking with her for a few hours was a welcome distraction. She is quite wise for a little sister and good for putting perspective on things, she has helped me a lot.

DS came back late afternoon. His dad was going to have him overnight again but I felt ready for him to be back and I wanted to see him as I'd missed him a lot, he had been away since Thursday evening. He slept in my bed with me last night as he sometimes does when DP (EX-DP?) has been away for the night and we watched a film together. It was lovely and a comfort to have him back.

Before I left to go out yesterday I messaged her to say that I thought it best if we had no contact at all for a few days. We were still saying goodnight/morning to each other and asking how each other had slept. I didn't feel this was the right thing to be doing as she was not having her space if we were communicating. It was hurting me anyway, I have my own feelings to consider and I too need time to process what is happening and work out of how I feel about it. I have feelings that as just as valid as hers and I realised that I appear to be trying to take on all the responsibility to try make it work. I have been saying what can I do to make it better? What can I change? What did I do wrong? What do you want me to do? It is not just me in the relationship and she hasn't acknowledged my feelings and how low I might have been with all the stresses going on - how has she been acting towards me to make me feel the way I have done in recent weeks. What can she do to help me? How can she try make it better? None of this has been said, it seems to have been all about her feelings, her space, what she wants. We both have a responsibility to make it work and both want to have to try if we are to move forward together overcome the problems we are facing.

I don't know how it is going to end, I really don't. She is coming back over for her counselling session today then trying to get a few days off work to go stay with another set of friends in the city she left before she moved in with us. I have told her I will be out today for a while if she needs anything from the house today as I don't think it would be wise to see each other right now. I hope her counselling goes ok and I will be thinking about her but I did say I wouldn't contact her to ask how it went just now.

I am going out with DS and his dad today for a bit of lunch and to see Spongebob. Luckily we still get on well enough for us to be able to do something like this and it not being anything more than being with an old 'mate'. It will be nice to be out of the house and distracted.

I've had 4 hours sleep last night, woke at 4am but been trying in vain to snooze. I will have a shower and try a bit of breakfast and tea. I am still struggling to eat properly and feel on the edge of tears but the sobbing has subsided for now.

Thanks again to all those who have posted. Your messages have helped me a lot and it is good to have the perspective of someone not closely involved.

Hi again,

We have not been in contact since agreeing not to, but typically there are things I want to tell her about a possible job and other stuff.

DS has started asking where she is and said he wished she was here as he wants to show her some funny stuff. He has got her framed picture in our bedroom out from the corner and put it in a more prominent place. I think the cat might be missing her too! I haven't said anything to DS other than she is staying with friends for a bit.

I have a Jobcentre appointment tomorrow (oh, the joy!) and have got DS and I in to bed early with a hot choc, I'm hoping to get a decent nights sleep tonight.

Her DM has sent me a couple of texts, she knows what is going on and has offered to listen if I need to talk. She is a lovely person but obviously she is too closely involved anyway.

We did say we would leave it to the weekend to be in touch, but not when, which day etc

sigh it sucks.