Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

This is so infuriating!

37 replies

jamdodge · 04/04/2015 20:03

I've name changed.

I've posted on MN a couple of times but wouldn't say I'm regular.

I'll start by saying I'm a man and find MN quite useful, alas there doesn't seem to be (or I haven't found) many resources for men and relationships, families etc.

Anyway, been out for the day and all is good, until the journey home. DW starts by putting her music on very loud, then when I try and engage in conversation it's single word answers or grunts. She is sitting in quite a defensive position with her body turned away from me. My first thought is great I've done something wrong which is completely unknown to me.

To try and break the atmosphere I just carry on as normal, talking to kids, trying to engage DW (with no response or very little). Get home and she makes herself some dinner and goes of to our bedroom. I still carry on like normal, do some vacuuming getting the kids ready for bed etc. Once the kids are in bed I ask DW is something wrong - "No", I ask why are you being so blunt and cold "I'm not". So I ask why did your attitude towards me change so suddenly, this is when I get ignored and keep getting ignored with no response whatsoever.

I find this incredibly annoying, the being ignored and getting the silent treatment. This happens about 2 or 3 times a month, and I never actually find out what I'm meant to have done wrong.

Sometimes it gets to the point where I lose patience and raise my voice somewhat telling her that this silent treatment is pathetic. Problem is it's then twisted and I'm in the wrong for shouting and then ultimately end up having to apologies.

DW has a habit of smirking or laughing when I'm trying to get across why this behavior is so frustrating. Which just frustrates me even more.

I find her attitude childish and like she revels in my frustration and likes to see me get wound up. grr

OP posts:
FuckingLiability · 04/04/2015 20:09

That sounds a bit crap. You don't have any idea at all why she's doing it? No minor disagreements that might have sparked it off?

Whocansay · 04/04/2015 20:10

She sounds like an utter cow who's clearly enjoying your frustration. It's sounds like the way a cat plays with a mouse before it kills it. I don't really know what to suggest as you've tried talking and got nowhere. What's your relationship like otherwise?

I couldn't cope with he smirking. That in particular sounds hateful.

Whocansay · 04/04/2015 20:10

'the smirking'.

Twinklestein · 04/04/2015 20:12

That's so annoying. How long have you putting up with this for?

Twinklestein · 04/04/2015 20:12

The smirking alone makes me want to slap her. She sounds like a teenage boy.

Fugghetaboutit · 04/04/2015 20:14

Sounds horrible, op. Have you had marriage counselling at all?

Original poster
jamdodge · 04/04/2015 20:17

Are relationship is fine most of the time, it's somewhat one sided at times but I know she loves me etc.

She been like this for as long as I've known really, I used to be quite a push over and so would just apologies (despite doing no wrong) and that would be it issue over back to normal.

But as time has gone on and different aspects of my life have progressed I've become more confident and won't really put up with it anymore so do pull her up on it, which is met with a wall of silence or me being accused of being "Mean".

Often I have to resort to sending her a text or email with what I want to say.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamdodge · 04/04/2015 20:17

Our not are - woops

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/04/2015 20:18

How do you know that she loves you? You don't describe very loving behaviour.

SunshineAndShadows · 04/04/2015 20:21

Do you think perhaps it's not personal but maybe she just needs some recharge time after a day out? I sometimes withdraw after a day of interaction as I find I need to recharge.

Even if it is a power-play, Perhaps if you don't go to her asking 'what's wrong' she'll see that being silent doesn't get a reaction from you. Maybe just ignore her TIL she snaps out if it?

Original poster
jamdodge · 04/04/2015 20:22

She often tells me she loves me, she is very affectionate (when I'm not getting the silent treatment).

I think she just reverts back to teenage mode on occasion, she knows she's being unreasonable because in the past she has admitted how unreasonable she was and apologies - I just wish it would stop as apologies grow thin if the actual behavior doesn't stop.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/04/2015 20:24

maybe she just needs some recharge time after a day out? I sometimes withdraw after a day of interaction as I find I need to recharge.

Same here, but I say "I just need 20 minutes to myself". I don't act like a bitch towards my DP I'm not cruel and unkind towards him.

Original poster
jamdodge · 04/04/2015 20:24

Good point sunshine

I think, and this may sound daft, it sometimes arises due to the fact she is hungry. I have known her to get into an awful mood if she gets very hungry.

Same applies to if she gets tired.

OP posts:
Vivacia · 04/04/2015 20:25

She often tells me she loves me, she is very affectionate (when I'm not getting the silent treatment).

Think about her behaviour, not her words. Her behaviour doesn't sound kind, let alone loving.

Original poster
jamdodge · 04/04/2015 20:25

Vivacia

Yes that's all I would need to hear. And that may be well what she wants, but without telling me and just giving me the silent treatment I'm not to know.

OP posts:
Original poster
jamdodge · 04/04/2015 20:27

Vivacia

Yes I see what you are saying, I find it difficult to approach the subject. I want to be assertive but without treating her like a child and getting accused of being 'mean' and condescending.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 04/04/2015 20:27

Could it be PMT?

Vivacia · 04/04/2015 20:28

Ok, so if you know what triggers her, how about saying something like, "You are doing that thing again. It's not ok to act like this towards me" and walk away.

All of my other ideas involve you acting like a parent towards her, such as, "I suggest you go and get something to eat and come back when you're prepared to behave reasonably" but that will just reinforce her Child position. You need a way of expressing yourself as an adult and inviting her to respond as an adult.

Vivacia · 04/04/2015 20:29

Ah, I cross-posted with your 20:27. We're thinking the same way.

How about sticking with my first line then, "You are doing that thing again. It's not ok to act like this towards me" and walk away.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 04/04/2015 20:34

She sounds like a manipulative bitch. Have a nice day out as a family and then try to spoil it all by being moody and unpleasant.

I think the very worst thing you could do is pander to her. I'd blithely carry on as normal and not acknowledge being given the silent treatment. Or call her "Kevin".

pocketsaviour · 04/04/2015 20:38

I think, and this may sound daft, it sometimes arises due to the fact she is hungry. I have known her to get into an awful mood if she gets very hungry.

Has she ever been tested for diabetes?

Izzy24 · 04/04/2015 20:45

'She made herself some dinner' ....

How about the rest of you?

vanillavelvet · 04/04/2015 20:48

Hmmm, her communication (or lack of it) is not on. You shouldn't have to be guessing what the problem is.

I understand that feeling of getting cross when I am really hungry. But I will say 'I really need to eat soon because I'm starting to feel grumpy', I wouldn't just take it out on everyone around me.

ToYouToMe · 04/04/2015 20:54

Just get on with your life. Give her attention when she's being nice. No attention when she's not. Or put her on the naughty step.

Liara · 04/04/2015 21:01

I sometimes do this. It's often related to pmt, but does happen sometimes when I am very tired/hungry/thirsty. Dh does it too, tbh, in the same circs (minus the pmt).

We've been together for almost 25 years, so we don't tend to take it personally, just give each other some space and maybe offer each other what we think the other needs.

When dh is going off on one I sometimes say we will talk about it half an hour after he has had something to eat.

I had been working in the wind all day the other day and then went off to take a bath. Dh came up with a hot drink and said 'I thought you might want something to drink, as you were probably thirsty'. I answered 'Oh, was I being a bitch?'. He just gave me a grin and went back down.

I know mumsnet is full of people who are never horrible to the ones they love and behave reasonably at all times, and would walk out if anyone so much as ever looked at them crossways, but in the rest of the world most of us are sometimes annoying, sometimes unreasonable, and can sometimes be understanding of others being like that too.