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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is so infuriating!

37 replies

jamdodge · 04/04/2015 20:03

I've name changed.

I've posted on MN a couple of times but wouldn't say I'm regular.

I'll start by saying I'm a man and find MN quite useful, alas there doesn't seem to be (or I haven't found) many resources for men and relationships, families etc.

Anyway, been out for the day and all is good, until the journey home. DW starts by putting her music on very loud, then when I try and engage in conversation it's single word answers or grunts. She is sitting in quite a defensive position with her body turned away from me. My first thought is great I've done something wrong which is completely unknown to me.

To try and break the atmosphere I just carry on as normal, talking to kids, trying to engage DW (with no response or very little). Get home and she makes herself some dinner and goes of to our bedroom. I still carry on like normal, do some vacuuming getting the kids ready for bed etc. Once the kids are in bed I ask DW is something wrong - "No", I ask why are you being so blunt and cold "I'm not". So I ask why did your attitude towards me change so suddenly, this is when I get ignored and keep getting ignored with no response whatsoever.

I find this incredibly annoying, the being ignored and getting the silent treatment. This happens about 2 or 3 times a month, and I never actually find out what I'm meant to have done wrong.

Sometimes it gets to the point where I lose patience and raise my voice somewhat telling her that this silent treatment is pathetic. Problem is it's then twisted and I'm in the wrong for shouting and then ultimately end up having to apologies.

DW has a habit of smirking or laughing when I'm trying to get across why this behavior is so frustrating. Which just frustrates me even more.

I find her attitude childish and like she revels in my frustration and likes to see me get wound up. grr

OP posts:

Original poster

jamdodge · 04/04/2015 21:03

It's now progressed onto her crying about something completely unrelated, and frankly ridiculous. I've just sat by her for the past 15-20 minutes trying to console her (thinking to myself WTF). She was continuing the silent treatment the whole time and eventually starting edging away from me. I got up and said if you are going to behave like that when I'm trying to be supportive you can forget it and I've left the room.

I won't say what it is she is upset about as if she reads this she'll know it's me (Don't think she goes on MN but you never know). But it is just something completely ludicrous, think child not getting what they want when in a shop - it's along those lines.

OP posts:

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 04/04/2015 21:05

It sounds like she's not really learned to communicate properly and instead has a grump or a cry to try to get some kind of attention the wrong way. Not that that is an excuse, it just sounds like that's what it is. Is she mentally well or could she be depressed? I would perhaps encourage her to see her GP.

TelephoneEggGnawingMachine · 04/04/2015 21:05

If she's hungry, she needs to deal with it.
It could be PMT but this would (should) be evident from when it tends to happen.
The smirking is just horrible.
You say she's loving/affectionate. It's not a tap to be turned on & off.

At best, she's selfish & doesn't realise how her issues (whatever they may be) are affecting the rest of the family.
If she's acknowledged this problem previously, how would she react if you tried to discuss it with her again? Obviously you need to pick a good time to do this - not when she's in a bad mood for example, or hormonal/last thing at night. You can't spend your life walking on eggshells around her, it's a really bad life lesson for the kids, and it will do neither of you any good.

katiekatie · 04/04/2015 21:10

As others have said ignoring the silent treatment seems to work, if it's not affecting you (or you pretend it isn't) then it takes away the power they are trying to have over you. Can you pretend you've not noticed just be cheery with the kids , carry on doing what you're doing. It's incredi hard work keeping up the silent treatment, it's just so childish. Sorry op.

Original poster

jamdodge · 04/04/2015 21:13

I'm just in the sitting room now doing some work, the upset of the incredibly ridiculous issue and the subsequent 'backing off' was the last straw for me today. My patience has run out, if she wants to act like a child she can sit in the bedroom on her own.

OP posts:

Bluetrews25 · 04/04/2015 21:15

I used to work with a wise psychiatrist who would often say 'no audience, no performance'.

Ouchbloodyouch · 04/04/2015 21:33

blue I love that!!

Vivacia · 04/04/2015 21:43

Wait for a better time when all of this isn't going on OP and talk through it. Ask her if she's unhappy when she's like this. It does sound as though it could be PMT or depression, but whatever, it's not healthy how she's dealing with it (for her or you or your relationship).

MyCatIsAGit · 05/04/2015 08:41

It could well be PMT, but she needs to find a way to communicate with you about it, 'I'm tired and want to to bed early' rather than grunping and crying.

TBF my husband and I had to have this conversation as I revert to teenager when tired or hungry, and he's horrible when hungry. I knew about the hungry thing with me he hadn't realised it with him, till I pointed out all our spectacular rows had been when hungry and most of our lovely times had been when we'd eaten. If you love her then you might meet to think about the conversation, maybe counselling and a Graze box...

I always carry snacks.

GoatsDoRoam · 05/04/2015 10:07

The silent treatment sounds like a power play: getting satisfaction out of putting you in the wrong, and seeing you squirm because you are receiving the punishment without knowing the crime.

The crying, though, I have no idea. She's entitled to be upset about whatever it may be. What's striking, though, is that she doesn't want to open up to you about it, and edges away from you when you try to console her. That is either a further way to make you feel inadequate and confused, or a clear message that she really doesn't view you as her intimate partner.

Do you love her, and view her as your best friend and partner?

FryOneFatManic · 05/04/2015 10:47

If the OP's DW was a bloke, I'd be thinking the DW was being childish and possibly heading towards being abusive.

The sulking, the smirking and laughing, and the petulance are not pleasant.

People here who have said they feel grumpy if they are hungry/tired are not really describing the sulking present in the OP, so I don't necessarily buy that.

I'd think counselling might be an option here, to help the DW understand and deal with the behaviour. It's clear the OP has tried to get across why it isn't pleasant, but that hasn't worked.

badbaldingballerina123 · 05/04/2015 13:35

I don't think it matters one jot whether she's tired , hungry , or has pmt. None of those things are your problem and normal adults can feel that way without resorting to child like behaviour.

I would ignore , ignore and ignore.

I remember doing this to my parents when I was a teenager.

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