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Original poster

I think I've done something silly...

26 replies

Boomerwang · 04/04/2015 09:12

I split with my partner of 3 years because he was lying and spending our money on drugs.

I'm not entirely sure how much of the truth his family knows, but they are a large part of our lives. I know that my ex was disowned for getting into a mess with drugs and debt in the past. He was clean for a few years and said he'd never do it again because it hurt so much to be cast aside by his own kin.

I've never mentioned the drugs to his parents before. I don't want to cause that kind of heartache.

Yesterday I went to visit his mother to apologise for the row I'd had with my ex at their home over Easter dinner, to which I had been invited. She berated me for not thinking of the kids, said I was the one who started the row and that I shouted first before my ex did. I pointed out that my concerns were deliberately being ignored by all of the family (about giving sweets to my child) and that nothing called for being sworn at in front of my daughter.

I asked how much she knew about the reason for our break up. She didn't seem to know anything. I told her about the violence, the aggression and the arguments. She said she knows he'd never hit me. I said he hadn't hit me, but he had punched a few holes in things, slammed a door in my face whilst I was holding my daughter just an inch or so away, and frequently threatened to kill me or hoped I'd die.

She started to argue in his favour and I felt an injustice was being done to me, so I stupidly said quietly 'the reason I left him was because of drugs'. I could see she was struggling to find something to say, so she waved it off and said nothing.

I wish I could take it back. I didn't want to hurt her, but I was fed up with being the monster, fed up with their reluctance to acknowledge me as part of my daughter's life, and hacked off that my ex got away with so much and is still the apple of their eye.

I have no idea if she's said anything to my ex, but I know he hasn't tried to contact me over anything, nor has responded to a text about laundry (he's being doing it for me with our washing machine until mine is fixed).

I know I'm in for a roasting, but I would love some practical advice too.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boomerwang · 04/04/2015 09:15

Sorry, I forgot to add that after he became clean and met me, we visited his family where they welcomed him back with open arms and told him how proud they were of him for getting his life back. The drug taking started again last year after getting his a clean driving licence again (he was caught under the influence). It's only cannabis, but he was spending £300 a month on it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boomerwang · 04/04/2015 09:17

I've really buggered this up haven't I. He was an addict - became disowned - cleaned himself up - met me - got back with the family - clean licence, started drugs again - now I've told his mother.

OP posts:
GoatsDoRoam · 04/04/2015 09:19

I suggest not being involved with him or his family anymore. No good can come of it.

This is a man who threatened you and frightened both you and your child: he does not get the pleasure of your company.

His family have their own dysfunction to deal with, they will put him first, and you are bound for failure if you are trying to be proved "right" over him in their eyes.

Just let them all go. This isn't a battle you can win, or should want to.

Focus on yourself and your DC. Leave them to their own stuff.

gamerchick · 04/04/2015 09:21

I don't see what you've done wrong. Why are you feeling obliged to keep all of that to yourself?

aprilanne · 04/04/2015 09:23

sorry but to me you have done nothing wrong .his mother knows he is a drug abuser and just wanted to ignore it .your child must come first .she is a baby .you did the right thing don,t feel guilty

.sometimes mothers have to accept there adult children are in the wrong and not good husband,s or parents .spending £300 pound a month of cannabis is taking that sum from his child .and its not only cannabis this drug leads to severe mental health problems

BIWI · 04/04/2015 09:23

Why are you so worried about being the bad guy, when he's the one seriously at fault here?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 04/04/2015 09:24

Your ex will always be the apple of his mother's eye. You can't and won't change that.

If he's your ex, you need to start acting like he's your ex. That means, no sending him your laundry to do, no meeting up with his Mum, no contact with him at all unless it's to do with shared DC. It really is the only way you'll reckver and move forwards.

SmallBee · 04/04/2015 09:24

I don't really have much advice to offer but I will say that I don't think you've done anything wrong.
It is not your job to lie to his family & protect him. He choose to use drugs again after knowing how his family reacted last time.
I don't see what is to gain from you pretending There was a different reason for your split that makes you look worse & helps hide his drug abuse.

afreshstartplease · 04/04/2015 09:24

You are not the one in the wrong op! He chose to take the drugs and he will have been well aware of the possible consequences

LadyBlaBlah · 04/04/2015 09:25

It's only the truth.
Not like you are spreading malicious lies!!
If they don't like it....well Biscuit

Anniegetyourgun · 04/04/2015 09:25

Would you like to explain why you're the one who is supposed to have done something silly? Because I don't see it. Sounds like your partner did a number of silly things and his family were backing him up under the mistaken belief that he's a lovely guy who's given up the drugs and you are a mean shouty woman. Now they know the truth. Why shouldn't they know? They will be more aware of who needs and deserves support now. What they do with the knowledge is up to them. (Their priorities sound a bit skewed, though, if knowing he is back on cannabis upsets them more than violence and aggression to you and their grandchild.)

Quitelikely · 04/04/2015 09:28

No you have not done anything wrong.

The man did those things in front of your child and as far as I'm concerned while he acts like that around children he shouldn't be involved with them on a constant basis. Now I'm not saying he's an immediate risk but this type of behaviour always escalates and becomes more frequent.

Who does he think he is swearing at you in front of your child? You did the right thing taking him on about it.

And also why should you have to keep his dirty secret?

One last thing, you went to his mother hoping for support, validation but you didn't get it. Most families will defend their own even when faced with nasty facts.

Don't feel bad. He's a lying, drug taking, selfish twit.

Flowers
SouthWestmom · 04/04/2015 09:34

Well I don't really think you should have tbh. Now you've split you could have started separating the family stuff too and rung to apologise rather than visit. She didn't ask why you split, you decided to tell her.

Anniegetyourgun · 04/04/2015 09:41

Why do you think that, Noeuf ?

BlinkAndMiss · 04/04/2015 09:45

I'm not sure why you are the one who feels bad - he has made his own choices and as someone who lost his family die to drugs, he should have thought about the consequences of starting up again.

As for his mother, she needs to know that her 'clean' son has not been dumped by a woman who causes arguments and shouts at him 'first'. She needs to know why the relationship ended because, truthfully, she's going to have to support him and help him to get back on track again.

You've done the right thing both by leaving and by making the reasons clear to his mother. Keeping the drug issue a secret from him family won't help him and ultimately he needs help - but you are not the one he needs help from. Leave him to sort himself out, leave him to his family because you and your child deserve better. Addiction is a terrible thing but that doesn't mean you have to suffer it too.

EggoSuperstar · 04/04/2015 09:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SouthWestmom · 04/04/2015 10:03

Annie, because I think people (once separated) are entitled to their own business and that actually telling the mother serves no purpose but making the op feel vindicated.
But I do see stuff in black and white and am able to separate things quite easily.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 04/04/2015 11:06

Thank you for all your responses, they have given me food for thought. I'm still just waiting to see what happens next at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Boomerwang · 04/04/2015 11:59

Hmm wondering if we're all headed for a huge thunderstorm... as now my best friend has found out that her boyfriend (my ex's best friend) has cheated on her...

I really want to curl up and wait til it's all over.

OP posts:
EggoSuperstar · 04/04/2015 12:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fluffapuss · 04/04/2015 12:30

Hello Boom

He is your ex, why are you involving him doing the washing & DIY ?

Hand wash it or take it to a coin slot laundrette or to a friends house

EX
EX
EX

EX for a reason

----

An apology was good

Info about the drugs - He is their son, so they will probably take his side

---

You said you had Your family in another town
Why dont you go & visit & see if you have more support & if you can move there ?

I would suggest making a clean, fresh start somewhere new

Good luck

thewomaninwhitefluffybunnyears · 04/04/2015 12:33

I agree that you have done nothing wrong either. Stay away for your own sake and that of your children.

Original poster
Boomerwang · 04/04/2015 12:36

They're in another country. I live in Sweden. They are visiting in June. It can't come soon enough for me.

The laundry... I bought a second hand top loader when I moved in. I also bought the necessary piping which was missing. He installed it all, but no water enters the washing machine. I've checked the valve is the right way on the copper pipe on the wall and it seems okay but until water enters and exits my washing machine I'm buggered. I don't want to chuck it away for two reasons:

  1. I've bought all the bits now
  2. It nearly killed me to get it up 3 flights and I don't want to die trying to get another one up, plus I can't afford one.

Commonly in Sweden rented flats have a communal washing room in the cellar. It's just my luck that it's out of order at the moment, but I suppose I'll be using it when it's fixed. That'll solve the problem for now until someone can look at my washing machine (probably my dad in June)

OP posts:
CornChips · 04/04/2015 12:36

I don't know why you think you have done something silly.... except I agree it is now time for some serious distance for a bit. You have to put yourself first.

I have maintained a dignified silence before when I have been wronged and have not put my side forwards.... it was a mistake, as it gave the person in question the freedom to make me out as the bad person. I think making it clear to his family what is going on is only good.... to be silent is to enable him. At best his family might be able to help him through it. Whatever- it is not your problem, and you are right to have him as an ex for a reason.

Eggynuff · 04/04/2015 12:40

Is he the father of your dd?

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