My partner and I have been together for over 17 years, we met when I was quite young which means he is the only person I've ever dated etc. He is a number of years older than me and when we met he dabbled in cannabis. It didn't concern me as I thought it was just a phase, most of my friends had tried it so it was no big deal. As the years went on I forgot about the cannabis and assumed he had grown out of it. However, in year four of our relationship I caught him doing it. I made my thoughts clear on it and said i didn't want to be part of things like that and that if he did he should tell me and I'll walk away. He promised to stop, however, every year I would catch him and we'd go through the same argument. It has been sole destroying. Last year his addiction reached an all time low. He must of been doing stuff in the summerhouse and somehow he unknowingly managed to set it on fire, along with my detached garage and the side of next doors house, setting their Windows on fire etc. I knew he was responsible for it but somehow forgave him. Again be promised to stop and again I begged that if he wanted to do it he should let me go.
After 10 years of marriage I knew we couldn't have children and that something must be wrong. He blamed me and said he knew I didn't want children and that in someway I was stopping it happening. I wasn't. Around three years ago I went to seek medical help. They did all the tests and said that we had unexplained infertility. In order to get treatment I had to lose five stone, in six months! I did this with minimal support from my husband and had to endure him eatng kebabs at weekends etc. I lost the weight and got referred to the clinic. When they told me how much time I had to have of work I freaked out, I didn't want to share my personal life with my boss and was worried as to whether or not I could fit everything in. I did though! I went to the majority of appointments alone and set about injecting myself with the high dose fertility drugs. The drugs had an adverse effect on me and made me feel quite weak. My husband didn't support me at this time and took no notice at all of my symptoms or what I was going through. Not knowing if the treatment would work, I started considering my options. Adoption etc. I spoke to my husband about this and he point blank refused, stating he wanted his own kids. No thought for me out my well-being or indeed how I was juggling things at work. When insemination day was looming, hubby was told to be at the clinic the next day at 10am. It was all a big issue for him, he was saying why can't they change the time etc. No thought for the fact that if been juggling work and treatment for months, daily.
He gave his sperm sample and off he went. A few hours later I was alone in a theatre having my insemination, is all I had for company were my rosary beads. When I got home I didn't feel loved or appreciated it was awful. You see, I'm a strong person so most people take for granted the fact that I'm be ok, I can deal with it/ take it.
During the two week wait for news, I felt ill, the high dosage medication was starting to catch up with me and the toll of the last year was weighing heavy. This was the time I needed my husband to stand up and show me some support but he didn't, instead he started doing drugs again. Again I asked him to stop it or leave. He promised me be Would stop and I believed him. A week later I was told I was pregnant. Great news. However, five weeks ago I thought I was having a miscarriage, I told husband and he wept uncontrollably, no thought for me and and how I was feeling, instead he was breaking down on his own. I wiped away my silent tears and calmly asked him to hold it together. That morning I found myself driving us to the hospital, whilst my husband continued to cry, again no concern for me, all about him. He broke down again when they said my baby was ok but again I felt unsupported as though this was all about him and not me. Again, maybe I am being treated like this because I am seen as a strong person. But being strong is my only option as I've never really had anyone look out for me before. I'm the one doing it for others.
I'm already under a lot of stress with work and family stuff, my dad is mentally ill and puts an immense amount of strain on me, also my mum is a recovering alcoholic and again that causes me stress. And finally my precious grandparent is on deaths door. Last week I caught my husband doing drugs again. I can't take it anymore, I'm at breaking point. I messaged both of his parents asking for help, one ignored my request and the other said it wasn't her problem. Seriously what can I do? I can't tell my family as they are already vulnerable and the fact I may be going it alone will only make them worry and no doubt impact on their health. I can't tell my friends as I don't want them to judge me. I am lonely, I don't know what to do and I can't take it anymore. I feel guilty for letting my miracle baby feel my pain.