I think my marriage is over

[ladybird1980]

My partner and I have been together for over 17 years, we met when I was quite young which means he is the only person I've ever dated etc. He is a number of years older than me and when we met he dabbled in cannabis. It didn't concern me as I thought it was just a phase, most of my friends had tried it so it was no big deal. As the years went on I forgot about the cannabis and assumed he had grown out of it. However, in year four of our relationship I caught him doing it. I made my thoughts clear on it and said i didn't want to be part of things like that and that if he did he should tell me and I'll walk away. He promised to stop, however, every year I would catch him and we'd go through the same argument. It has been sole destroying. Last year his addiction reached an all time low. He must of been doing stuff in the summerhouse and somehow he unknowingly managed to set it on fire, along with my detached garage and the side of next doors house, setting their Windows on fire etc. I knew he was responsible for it but somehow forgave him. Again be promised to stop and again I begged that if he wanted to do it he should let me go.
After 10 years of marriage I knew we couldn't have children and that something must be wrong. He blamed me and said he knew I didn't want children and that in someway I was stopping it happening. I wasn't. Around three years ago I went to seek medical help. They did all the tests and said that we had unexplained infertility. In order to get treatment I had to lose five stone, in six months! I did this with minimal support from my husband and had to endure him eatng kebabs at weekends etc. I lost the weight and got referred to the clinic. When they told me how much time I had to have of work I freaked out, I didn't want to share my personal life with my boss and was worried as to whether or not I could fit everything in. I did though! I went to the majority of appointments alone and set about injecting myself with the high dose fertility drugs. The drugs had an adverse effect on me and made me feel quite weak. My husband didn't support me at this time and took no notice at all of my symptoms or what I was going through. Not knowing if the treatment would work, I started considering my options. Adoption etc. I spoke to my husband about this and he point blank refused, stating he wanted his own kids. No thought for me out my well-being or indeed how I was juggling things at work. When insemination day was looming, hubby was told to be at the clinic the next day at 10am. It was all a big issue for him, he was saying why can't they change the time etc. No thought for the fact that if been juggling work and treatment for months, daily.
He gave his sperm sample and off he went. A few hours later I was alone in a theatre having my insemination, is all I had for company were my rosary beads. When I got home I didn't feel loved or appreciated it was awful. You see, I'm a strong person so most people take for granted the fact that I'm be ok, I can deal with it/ take it.
During the two week wait for news, I felt ill, the high dosage medication was starting to catch up with me and the toll of the last year was weighing heavy. This was the time I needed my husband to stand up and show me some support but he didn't, instead he started doing drugs again. Again I asked him to stop it or leave. He promised me be Would stop and I believed him. A week later I was told I was pregnant. Great news. However, five weeks ago I thought I was having a miscarriage, I told husband and he wept uncontrollably, no thought for me and and how I was feeling, instead he was breaking down on his own. I wiped away my silent tears and calmly asked him to hold it together. That morning I found myself driving us to the hospital, whilst my husband continued to cry, again no concern for me, all about him. He broke down again when they said my baby was ok but again I felt unsupported as though this was all about him and not me. Again, maybe I am being treated like this because I am seen as a strong person. But being strong is my only option as I've never really had anyone look out for me before. I'm the one doing it for others.
I'm already under a lot of stress with work and family stuff, my dad is mentally ill and puts an immense amount of strain on me, also my mum is a recovering alcoholic and again that causes me stress. And finally my precious grandparent is on deaths door. Last week I caught my husband doing drugs again. I can't take it anymore, I'm at breaking point. I messaged both of his parents asking for help, one ignored my request and the other said it wasn't her problem. Seriously what can I do? I can't tell my family as they are already vulnerable and the fact I may be going it alone will only make them worry and no doubt impact on their health. I can't tell my friends as I don't want them to judge me. I am lonely, I don't know what to do and I can't take it anymore. I feel guilty for letting my miracle baby feel my pain.

I don't see someone taking drugs as being 'fairly minor' . That's my outlook and you are of course entitled to yours. Also when my home is getting set on fire because of drugs, again, I don't see it as fairly minor. Sorry, if I seem rude but it's the way I feel.

Thank you ledkr. My father is now a paranoid schizophrenic, in part brought on by smoking cannabis. My brother is also heading in that direction due to smoking weed he has become psychotic. My husband knows all of this but he doesn't care.
So you see, I can't get help from my family as they are unstable themselves. It's a miracle I have turned out the way I have tbf

Ladybird, first of all let's put things in perspective. First of all congratulations are in order! It's absolutely amazing that despite all the emotional and physical obstacles and pain, you have succeeded in an awful lot. You are pregnant despite fertility issues, you have overcome weight issues, you have a job and a decent home. All these things are fantastic.

You have managed all this despite a complete loser of a husband who is like a parasite, draining you of energy, love, wrecking your hopes of a happy and peaceful pregnancy and homelife.

And most importantly, he alone is wrecking any chance of you having a safe, happy and peaceful environment for your baby.

I think you know this but are clutching at straws hoping for another solution, and I think the mners who have upset you are actually touching upon something like a raw nerve within you.

You have 'fixed' so much but you cannot 'fix' him. You are feeling such dispair understandably, but mners can see that your dh is the source of your angst and your pain.

You are unwilling to detach from him even though he is killing your dreams, your very heart and soul and the chance of a worry free pregnancy and any hope of a happy life for your child.

Detach even if you aren't prepared or able to divorce at this stage. Get rl help, tell your dr and midwife the turmoil you are facing. Stop bearing this terrible burden alone or your sky high blood pressure could end up
killing both you and your unborn baby.

What sort of role model is your dh going to be for your child? Please take stock of your life, where it is heading, put yourself and your baby's lives first.

Stop giving chances to people who suck the life out of you. Where are your boundaries? Why don't you stick to them?

What on earth possesses you to give yet another chance to someone who repeatedly ignores and disrespects you?

How would you feel if he accidently burnt down the summerhouse when your baby was in there?

Do you think such an immature, reckless and selfish person like your husband can be trusted with a baby at all? I would not think so and neither would any social worker.

You have covered up his unbelievable amount of criminal damage and forgiven him. What does that say about you op?

You are ignoring all the red flags and still hope for a happy ever after and become a cosy, happy little family.

That is a fantasy and will not happen with him. Thank goodness your tears of frustration and exhaustion and feeling low are combining to now point you in the right direction.

You know what it is. Good luck.

Unfortunately you

Ok well this is clearly not the place to get into a debate over the harmfulness/perceived harmfulness of cannabis so we'll have to agree to disagree on that, and I say that as a professional too, with lots of happy, well-adjusted, hard-working professional smoker friends.

OP I'm not saying your feelings about him smoking are wrong or unreasonable, just that from the way you describe him he sounds like a shit partner who doesn't care about your feelings and well-being in the way he should. I agree with pp that you would probably feel a lot less stressed if you had some space from him for a while. Would that be something you would consider talking to him about?

What's telling to me is that your parents and brother also have a history of addiction and mental illness. You poor girl, you've been trained from childhood to be the Strong Capable One whose own needs don't matter - it's no wonder you married another selfish loser.
Of course it's pregnancy that's really brought it home to you: your baby will need to be your first priority and your second priority will need to be you, not other adults who have no interest in helping themselves or anyone else.
Can you afford a couple of nights in a hotel or even a cheap B&B somewhere nice? What you need is a rest and some time to yourself. When you feel a bit better, then you can get to work on dumping the useless husband and reclaiming your own life and that of your child-to-be.

I just reread your title.

I think you're right.

What do you want to happen next?

Congratulations on your pregnancy - it's taken exceptional strength of character to get where you are. And I think you're right - you have spent your entire life supporting those around you when they are unable to cope or deliberately screw up.

From now on, you need to only consider your baby and yourself. Your family will need to cope ; your husband needs to be ejected from his comfort zone. He has proven that he is quite happy to put your life in danger to pursue his drug taking , and he has demonstrated that he doesn't give a shiny site about the health of you or the baby.

You are in a very stressful position now, and you have said that now isn't the time to act. I would argue that you need to act now, before the baby arrives. It's easy to hope that the baby will change him, but that won't happen - you will just be in a constant state of high alert about the risk to the baby from his or her own father.

In your shoes, I would go to your GP, midwife or health visitor and explain your concerns about your husband 's drug use. You will need a paper trail to protect your child' s safety in the future.

I'm so sorry you're going through this and having such a stressful pregnancy.

I think you have done everything you possibly could to get your H to step up and be a man, including contacting his parents (who have clearly given up on him).

You said in your OP that you didn't want your friends to judge you. I am thinking that with your background of family members who are/were addicts, you have grown up thinking that "what happens in the family stays in the family". Would that be right? This is a common perception from those who have grown up with addicts/alcoholics, but at the moment this perception is hurting you because it's preventing you from leaning on others for support.

Is there one particular close friend who you could consider confiding in? You wouldn't even need to go into full details. You could leave out the drug use for now and just talk about how unsupportive and selfish he has been, and that it's clear to you now you need to go it alone.

And also second a PP's suggestion to tell your midwife and/or GP. They are there to help you, not judge you. If you feel too embarrassed about how long it has been going on, you can even say that you thought he had quit drugs many years ago and have only recently discovered that he has still been using all this time. Because really the drug use is almost incidental - it's more of a symptom of how selfish and inconsiderate he is, not the cause of it, iyswim?

You don't have to make any major decisions about your marriage right now. You just have to get through the next few months until baby is here and safe in your arms. Then you can start to make plans to split, if that's what you want to do.

I think for now focus on getting ready for the birth and grieve that you don't have the supportive husband you deserve.

I would look into the process of divorcing, how you would cope financially etc. make plans. You don't need to do anything about leaving him or starting divorce proceedings until you're ready and perhaps the time isn't right now due to your circumstances.

Also step back from your family, they are not your responsibility your dc is and yourself. Hugs

Thanks guys

Hello Ladybird

Congratulations !

You know he takes drugs, he will not change

You decided to stay in the relationship, even though you were unhappy & knew about the drugs

You were strong enough to loose weight & go through fertility treatment

He was not strong enough to stop the drugs

You both decided to have a baby together - in this case it was not a light decision

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I think the baby has brought your relationship problems into perspective

I think that you have decided on what are "a deal breakers"

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I would suggest finding friends in real life, someone to talk to.
Dont worry about people judging you, a problem shared is a problem halved

Suggest concentrate on your own & baby's mental & physical health first

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Only you can make the decision to separate or not, before or after child is born

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Trying to look from the mans perspective
You have been together a long time
He may not be expecting to break up, you threatened before, but didnt go through with it
You both wanted this baby
He is happy to continue with drugs

Good luck

Oh you poor thing I think you're amazing to be functioning at all under so much stress. Please tell a friend what is going on. A good friend won't judge you and probably already knows that things aren't right. You and your baby deserve RL support and a better, safer future.