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Original poster

DD wants to go and live with her dad

41 replies

Andrise · 03/04/2015 17:07

That's it really. My DC are with my exH this weekend. When he came to collect them he told me that my DD (13) had told him that she wants to move to be with him instead of living with me. She had not mentioned this communication to me at all. Apparently he and his girlfriend are fine with the idea.

I think this is partly driven by the fact that she wants to change schools. She is at a girls' school which she finds a bit claustrophobic. There seems to have been a lot of jockeying for position amongst her and her friends recently (who is in and who is out, that sort of thing) largely, I must say, instigated by her.

I have told her that I will try and find her another school although it will not be easy, but it looks as if she is looking for a wider change.

I know it is her choice, but I do feel very hurt, probably exacerbated by being alone ATM. I really can't understand why she is choosing to be with the parent whose cheating and selfishness broke up our family, rather than with the parent who stayed and who has tried hard to make a good home for us. There is not really anything I can do except agree is there?

OP posts:
Feelinghelpless2 · 03/04/2015 17:15

I'm in the similar situation but my DS is 22, still hurts though. Pathetic at that age I know. You have my sympathies Flowers

AlpacaMyBags · 03/04/2015 17:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ems1812 · 03/04/2015 17:29

I did this at 13 & moved in with my dad & even changed schools. It seemed fun & more exciting than home with my DM & Step dad who were strict & boring to me at that age. I was back home within 3 months after realising that it was only fun at DFs when I visited because he made it fun, every day life was just as dull as life at my DMs & I missed her & my old friends.

I would let her go OP, it's something she might need to do, if anything just to see that the grass isn't greener. She's a teenager & needs her mum & I wouldn't be surprised if she comes back to you.

Barbarella · 03/04/2015 17:31

I don't think you have to agree, not at all. I think she thinks it'll solve her problems and it probably won't. Get to the bottom of the issue first I would. I also wonder if she wants you to get her to stay, whether she's testing you a bit? I'm not sure I'd be letting her make that decision tbh. Your ex should be saying the same to her. Do you have other children?

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 17:32

I would be very hurt by this, too.

Are there other children? Wouldn't she miss them?

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 17:33

She could end up playing you all, couldn't she? I agree with Barbarella; this doesn't have to be her decision to make.

3littlefrogs · 03/04/2015 17:33

I would tell her that you love her unconditionally and that she can come back any time she wants, but that if this really what she wants then you will support her.

She may well be back sooner rather than later.

I think if you try to make her stay, your relationship will become very strained anyway.

Bifald · 03/04/2015 17:40

I'd say, let her go, but with offers to try and sort out her problems still being made. Be really fake casual about it all. "Try it at your Dad's and come back if you decide that's best''.

Bet she comes back as she's only 13 and still needs her mum more than she realises. Also stepmum will get tired of it all I bet. I'd say better to let her go now than in three years time. Let her get this out of her system.

If she went at 16, I'd be more worried that it would be permanent.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/04/2015 17:46

I'd say just make sure she knows that she's always got a home with you if she wants one. She may have been under some unfair pressure, such as her dad telling her you don't want her as much as they do, and if you make it "too" easy for her to go that may reinforce the feeling that you don't care enough to keep her.

Mind you, you say she hasn't actually raised this with you yet... are you absolutely sure it is what she wants?

liviadrusilla · 03/04/2015 17:48

Have you talked to her about this yet? If all you know is what your exH said perhaps he has got the wrong end of the stick, or has offered that she can come or something, without her necessarily intending to go.

Coyoacan · 03/04/2015 17:48

Sorry, OP, but personally I would jump at the chance! Grin But that is because my darling dd was impossible at that age.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 03/04/2015 17:48

I did this at about the same age, and it was absolutely the right decision for me in all sorts of ways. I have no regrets at all. You need to let her go, but let her know you are always there for her, and that if she wants to come back it won't be an issue.

Original poster
Andrise · 03/04/2015 18:10

Thanks everyone for your replies. I have two DS as well as her, one older, one younger. She does play a bit with the younger one but she torments him a lot too. Older DS is five years older than her so not a lot of interaction between them. She does like her dad's 2 year old with his GF.

I get that she is growing up fast (she is ALWAYS right) and is testing all her boundaries with the people around her. She is also quite cynical and has said before that she wants to keep in with her dad because he is the one with all the money.

She is very strong willed and quite arrogant in that "I am 13 and I am invincible" way which worries me quite a bit. She is quite driven though and does very well at school. I never need to chase her to do her homework.

I agree I don't think there is any mileage in forcing her to stay if she wants to go and she will have to change schools if she goes to him because he lives a couple of hours away so that will tick that box for her too. She may want to come back at some point, but frankly that would be very difficult for her as places at decent schools are like gold dust round here so she would have to stay there until after she had done her GCSEs anyway.

OP posts:
Feelinghelpless2 · 03/04/2015 18:17

I think letting her go and saying you are respecting her wishes and you'll always be there for her is the best thing you can do for her. I'd point out the school / GCSEs point though as it's important. It's tough being a parent sometimes isn't it.

Barbarella · 03/04/2015 18:21

Given the school situation I'd be saying NFW tbh
Tell her if she feels the same after GCSES then you'll consider it

She's year 8?

Barbarella · 03/04/2015 18:22

I think you'll be bereft if she goes
And so will she

But you're the adult

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 18:23

So when does she propose she see you? At the weekends? When would she see her new schoolfriends?

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 18:25

What about her spending every weekend there, getting a train there on Friday nights and getting the early train back on Monday mornings?

Cabrinha · 03/04/2015 18:25

Can you get her to do another term at school? Tell her to move to her dad's for 6 weeks summer holiday, and set up new school to start September. Because of the distance and schools she needs to understand the implications.
She might want to go, and you will have to accept that Sad
But it might be enough that you agree.
Investigate too whether it's only about a school move that she could do locally.

Barbarella · 03/04/2015 18:28

I don't think 13 yos should be allowed to make decisions like this.

I really don't. I think she needs to know that there's stability and your house is the deal for now.

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2015 18:32

I wonder what your ex's wife really thinks of this? She's probably on the step-parent board right now!

Original poster
Andrise · 03/04/2015 18:42

Thank you everyone! Lots of feedback.

ItsAllGoingToBeFine can I ask why you think it was the right decision for you?

ImperialBlether yes I will suggest that I think.

Cabrinha yes she would have to do another term at school anyway as no school could possibly take her until the Autumn term so she can spend the Summer holidays with her dad first if she wants, though we have a couple of holidays planned which I think she will want to go on.

I have no idea when she expects to see me and the other DC. I have not spoken to her about it at all yet. This has all come via my exH and although he is a twat in many ways I don't think he would lie about this because it is too easy for him to get caught out.

Barbarella, I know what you mean, but I don't think I can just tells her in this case. One because any opposition will just make her more determined and it is not as if she has made a stupid choice, just one I don't like and two because that is the way my parents brought me up and it has done me a huge disservice in life as I find it very difficult not to assume that everyone else must be right and I am wrong. Ultimately it led me into a very abusive relationship and I swore I would not do that to my children. I might not like my DD's approach to life but I think it is a lot healthier than mine.

OP posts:
Bifald · 03/04/2015 18:46

Also, ask her school to keep her place open for at least a term. explain the situation.

Original poster
Andrise · 03/04/2015 18:46

Ha Ha Imperial. Yes I slightly wonder that too. I have very little contact with them and would be NC if it were not for the DC, but the little I hear suggests she is a bit of a drama queen who loves being the centre of attention.

She has always gushed over DD, but having her for the occasional weekend and having her live with you are two very different things.

OP posts:
Original poster
Andrise · 03/04/2015 18:48

Sorry, I am lagging behind the replies a bit.

Good idea Bifaid. I don't know if they will, but I guess I could ask.

OP posts:
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