DD wants to go and live with her dad

[Andrise]

That's it really. My DC are with my exH this weekend. When he came to collect them he told me that my DD (13) had told him that she wants to move to be with him instead of living with me. She had not mentioned this communication to me at all. Apparently he and his girlfriend are fine with the idea.

I think this is partly driven by the fact that she wants to change schools. She is at a girls' school which she finds a bit claustrophobic. There seems to have been a lot of jockeying for position amongst her and her friends recently (who is in and who is out, that sort of thing) largely, I must say, instigated by her.

I have told her that I will try and find her another school although it will not be easy, but it looks as if she is looking for a wider change.

I know it is her choice, but I do feel very hurt, probably exacerbated by being alone ATM. I really can't understand why she is choosing to be with the parent whose cheating and selfishness broke up our family, rather than with the parent who stayed and who has tried hard to make a good home for us. There is not really anything I can do except agree is there?

I've a 12 year old, and I used to live in fear that my x would 'buy' their affections. Thankfully he wants to care for children like he wants a hold in his head, but you have my sympathies. I would hate it. My dd very headstrong too. She would need to believe that I wasn't opposing her decision so that she didn't lose face when she decided to come back. If she went to his house now I know she'd be back.

I think it would give them all a huge shock if you immediately packed her bags, bundled her in the car and left her at her dad's and step mother's! A toot of the horn and "See you in a few weeks!" and drive off fast.

I'm facing a similar situation, although my ex lives only 5 mins away so distance isn't such an issue.

I think he tries to win dds affections by letting her stay up late, few rules etc and she enjoys having his attention in a way that she didn't when we lived together.

If she decides to go I'm going to let her, but make sure she knows she can come to mine any time she likes or move back in if it doesn't work out.

Like your dd she's not actually mentioned it to me, my exh has told me. I think he's using it to mess up my head so I'm trying hard not to let it. Practically speaking, I can't see it working out as she's not near the bus route for school and he spends quite a bit of time at his gfs house so it would cause issues there.

Try not to let it upset you, but make sure she knows you're always there for her. I bet she'll be back.

My case is probably not particularly parallel to yours as you sound lovely :-)

At the time my parents were sharing custody of me, one week on, one week off. They still both lived in the same town, and every weekend I would transfer my life from one house to the other. To be quite frank this was a pain in the arse, and I had always got in better with my dad so asked to stay with him (I may have actually been younger than 13). My wee sister came too.

Although I said no regrets, I do feel bad for my mum, as I guess this probably* hurt her.

• Recent revelations make me say probably.

And BTW in retrospect, I think my mum probably did try to "buy" me - expensive once in a lifetime holidays in summers etc. I still wanted to stay with my dad...

My dsd did this when she was 13 and I had just discovered that I was pregnant with my ds. She was determined that she was going to do this and we all (her mum and step-father too) said if that is what she wanted then she could (I wasn't over the moon tbh). She lived with us for two years but I think that she found out that daddy, who was so much fun every other weekend, was actually a miserable bastard when she had to live with him full time (he's now exdp). She became more and more difficult, rude and aggressive and after a truly explosive argument (with me because she told me to fuck off) she moved back to her mum. I think that your dd will find that the grass is not greener but you need to make sure that the door is always open if she wants to come back.

Thanks everyone for all your comments and support. I think I will go with the option of letting her do it sand say that she can come back if she wants. TBH she and her dad are very similar in temperament so I can see that they may fall out after a while.

What went on between you and her dad has nothing really to do with your dd; you cannot expect her to "side" with you... the distance makes it tricky but go along with applying for schools and telling her that you will always have a place for her at yours. And make it clear whatever visiting she has now with dad would apply in reverse if she moves.

I think if she raises it then you need to sit her down and get her to think through all the implications re friendships, not being able to go back to the school, when she will see her brothers, when she will see you, will she miss her friends, whether the school is going to have a place for her and whether she likes the school. take her on visits to the prospective schools to see.

this is an adult decision, when she has thought it through like an adult then you will support her with the move but will be always ready to have her back, (though you may not be able to do anything about the school) how would she feel about going to the local school that will have places?

My dd1 has just moved in with her dad. She is 17. She's gone because she isn't at college and isn't working and is frankly disgusted with me for not wanting to support her whole she dosses. It has broken my heart BUT I can't deny that her behaviour over the last few months had been truly awful - entitled, selfish, unreasonable behaviour.

What I can't quite square is that dd1 has had a very chequered relationship with ex h including reporting him to the police twice for current and historical abuse. She has had long term counselling due to panic attacks and ptsd caused by his abuse.

I dunno. She's so very vulnerable but she's nearly an adult so I can't stop her. And the house is much happier without her entitled arse lazing about. I wonder if the entitled arse she learned it all from is enjoying it

Op don't take it personal, the grass is greener. Your dad must be secure in her relationship with you to know she could try out living with dad and it not effect you and her. I do know where you are coming g from but please don't worry this will be a phase and she could well be seeing where she fits in with her dad and hisgirl friend, the pecking order may change in that household....

Whether you take it personally or not - and you just can't help taking it personally imo, even though you know it's not personal - it hurts like crazy. You have my sympathy.

I used to dread exh pulling this one (thankfully, he was far too selfish to give up his time. He just worked his butt off to get them into boarding school... Unsuccessfully, thank the lord). I managed to hold onto them until they were grown but it was a fear throughout their childhoods.

It does piss me off the kids can do this and everyone bends over backwards to accommodate them when, frankly, it's just a whim in this instance - she may be 'struggling' at school but not significantly. Sadly, there's not much you can do but if she's as strong-willed as you say it won't ultimately be good for her to call the shots on decisions of this magnitude - she could do with some resistance in life. I wouldn't be saying she can come back when she wants to - it may be the case but you don't have to say it.

I like the idea, above, of packing up her stuff, taking her over with it and driving off. She's only 13 ffs, she shouldn't have so much power.

As for the pp who took off and her wee sister went too - dear god. Worst nightmare.

On second thoughts, there is much you can do. Along the lines she doesnt get to make decisions of that magnitude on a whim at her age. You dont need to roll over out of fear/horror/agony. All the best if she is as strong-willed as you say though.

Maybe, at 13, to say "you're welcome to come back" is one thing, but I agree with you springy it can't be good for a young teenager to be able to call all the shots wrt their education and stability throughout their teenage years. So perhaps, the first time she leaves, tell her she's welcome to come back. But when she returns, and settles back in to her old school (then if she announces it again, I'd tell her that you can't handle being her revolving door, and that no, this time she has to stay. You're not a hotel, you're her mother and it takes a huge emotional toll on you for her to leave and then jauntily return and then leave again. But i would save that speech for the next time ...........

I do feel hurt, but I know I have to rise above that. I think I will wait and see what comes back from after Easter. They will have been together 4 days by then - perhaps they will have fallen out . Not entirely a joke as exH and DD are very similar people.

At least I am having a nice break so far with oldest DS who is so much not a game player it is remarkably relaxing!

I would be tempted to say that she can move out when she is 18 after school. I don't think a 13 year old understands the implications either. I would, however, try to find a suitable school and solve the problems there.

Andrise, of course you are hurt it feels awful when this happens. I will say your ex will be in for a shock as will his gf taking on a 13 year old and all her hormones will be interesting to say the least.

Enjoy your other DC and carefully let things take there course. You can just make general comments like, my door is always open.