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Original poster

Why won't he utter those 3 little words?!

40 replies

Marryme · 03/04/2015 10:57

I have not posted on here before, so please forgive me if I ramble.
I am looking for advice, and possibly someone to tell me to stop obsessing and get on with life....Anyway here goes!
I've been with a gorgeous, loving guy for 6 months. We met OLD (just learnt that abbreviation!) and clicked from day one. I feel for him instantly and within about 6 weeks realised I had totally and utterly fallen head over heals with him. During a very romantic dinner I did it and uttered the words "I love you" he smiled held my hand and smiled!!! Fine I thought, people fall at different times, but I was convinced he would have said it back!
I didn't say it again for a couple of weeks, but then did again, during a very passionate time in bed, this time he did actually say "me too" which was OK, but not want I wanted to hear.
A few months on, I regularly say I love you, to him, and all I get back is a smile, or he even said the word "ditto" to me last week!!!
Am I obsessing too much, about wanting to hear him actually say "I love you" or kidding myself?
I have even considered asking his ex wife, if he just always avoided saying it to her....so I'm thinking it is getting a bit of an unhealthy obsession.
Anyone else been in this position, or advice?

OP posts:
Missqwerty · 03/04/2015 11:03

Don't ask the ex!! He might just be one of those people who struggles to say it, or he could be indecisive as to what love is etc. If your happy, don't over think it. Give it another 6 months and see where he's at then

gatewalker · 03/04/2015 11:15

Missqwerty -- I would say to focus on your feelings for him, rather than fixating on his feelings for you. If your own feelings start to tell you that you don't feel you can pursue a relationship because of how he is, or is not, being, then you can make your choices from there.

Original poster
Marryme · 03/04/2015 11:15

I don't think I could actually ask her, but it is just a desperate wanting to know....is it me, or it it just the way he is!
Don't over think it.....I wish I could!

OP posts:
gatewalker · 03/04/2015 11:17

Why don't you ask him???

gatewalker · 03/04/2015 11:17

I mean, c'mon love, you want him to say that he loves you, and you have told him you love him, but you're not talking to him about it??

Eigg · 03/04/2015 11:23

Why are you trying to push him faster than he wants to go? It's only been 6 months?

Your username is also a bit concerning. Are you planning to jump from 'why won't he say he loves me' to 'why won't he ask me to marry him'?

Sorry if that's sounds harsh, but you've had less than a year to get to know each other.

Lydiand · 03/04/2015 11:24

My DH took 6 months.

Some men say it too soon and don't mean it.

Some men feel it but never say it.

Don't ask him, it won't count.

Original poster
Marryme · 03/04/2015 11:47

Egg - it was a bit of a joke with myself my username.....but sometimes the sub conscious does bring out the truth. I am quite insecure, in work I am strong and confident, but in relationships I have to watch myself. I had a rough end to my last marriage and acted purely for the wrong reasons, took my husband back after I found out he had net soneone else, just to prove I was the better woman.... I know this is hideous behaviour, but at the time I was consumed and stupid.
I probably have the issues myself, even writing this makes me realise that I'm probably totally over reacting again.
Be patient and stop obsessing... I guess is the advice?

OP posts:
ChipDip · 03/04/2015 11:53

6 months is still very new, early days in fact. This time should be spent getting to know each other, building a bond, and strengthening feelings. You might be there already, and he may really, really like you but not there yet. Give him some time, it's only 6months. Smile

CoteDAzur · 03/04/2015 11:59

"Why won't he utter those 3 little words?!"

The simplest explanation would be that he doesn't feel like saying them, and has been nodding etc because he feels pressured that he has to reply in some (positive) way.

Further telling him "I love you" and expecting the same reply is unlikely to turn out well. I would recommend stopping it altogether and letting him come to that point on his own. If he notices that you haven't said it for a while and worries about your feelings dwindling, that is not a bad thing, either. "Who runs gets chased" and all that.

gatewalker · 03/04/2015 11:59

I'd say, yes, to be patient and stop obsessing, Marryme. You have the ability to self-reflect; have you tried therapy? Another person cannot take the place of what you need to give to yourself first.

Original poster
Marryme · 03/04/2015 12:11

Thank you all so much. I've never posted before and felt a bit daft what I was asking, but your replies have been so helpful.
I will try hard to stop obsessing, and good advice CoteDAzur, I will stop saying it, and just enjoy, what is a lovely relationship. Perhaps he will ask why I've stopped! as I do say it quite a bit, always hoping to hear it back.

OP posts:
Startingover231 · 03/04/2015 12:13

marryme - I am at a similar point in a new relationship to you and like you I long to be told regularly that he loves me! However I have come to the conclusion that actions speak louder than words. My XH told me he loved me several times a day up until about a month before he left me for OW, but I since discovered they'd been having an affair for 18 months! Telling me he loved me didn't stop him doing that, so I try to be chilled about my new man and gauge his feelings by what he does rather than what he says. He isn't my XH, so I try not to judge him by the XH's crappy lowlife standards.

I think if you're insecure, then even if he says it 10 times a day, you won't stop felling insecure. That is just where you are at present. Try to just enjoy his company and relax. What will be will be! Pressurising him might in the end just drive him away....

ALaughAMinute · 03/04/2015 12:17

Sorry to say but I think wanting him so say he loves you after only six months is a bit desperate and could even frighten him away!

As for asking his ex wife...OMG, whatever are you thinking???

If you want to keep this man I think you should cool off a bit and give him some space before it's too late.

You say you are an insecure person but you have to remember that this is your problem not his. I think you need to work on your self esteem as you clearly have some issues (maybe some baggage from your marrage?) I hope it work out for you. Good luck.

ALaughAMinute · 03/04/2015 12:19

Oops, meant to say...
marriage

Original poster
Marryme · 03/04/2015 12:30

Wow, you are all so supportive. I never thought I could get such amazing advice. I wish I'd known about MN when I was going through issues with my ex. Staringover231, thank you, so nice to hear someone in a similar position and so right, actions do speak volumes. I need to get over my insecure issues, before I ruin what is so good.

OP posts:
fluffapuss · 03/04/2015 12:44

Hello Marry

Asking the ex wife ! ! ! - sounds crazy

You cannot see what he is thinking in his head

I believe you have both come out of old relationships

You may have fallen for him very quickly
He may have not fallen for you or it may take him longer or not at all

I would suggest relaxing & enjoy each others company & see where the relationship goes

You have obviously opened up your heart & your head, what happens if it gets broken ?

Good luck

Islanegra · 03/04/2015 12:53

My ex said it. I was thrilled and believed him and fell very hard for him. But he lied and lied and lied. And when I asked him about saying "I love you" he said it was "just something you say sometimes isn't it?"AngrySad

Actions speak far louder than words OP.

Eigg · 03/04/2015 13:04

I think'be patient and stop obsessing' is exactly the tight way to go. Smile

I also agree, take the pressure off him by stop saying it.

Just enjoy your new relationship, what will be will be.

SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2015 13:47

Remember that you don't need to be 'loved' (ie in a romantic relationship) to be happy, and that having a partner will not fix the things that are wrong in your life.
A desperate need for romantic gestures from the Man In Your Life, especially with the sort of desperate need for A Man In Your Life which means you hurl yourself at the first one you set eyes on and devote all your energies to making him 'love' you without even considering whether he's someone you want to spend a lot of time with, is unhealthy and even dangerous. Abusive men have a special fondness for insecure women who are gagging to be In A Relationship as they will put up with almost anything so as not to be single.

newstart15 · 03/04/2015 13:52

How old are both of you and are there any children? I tend to feel that knowing you love someone actually takes quite a long time, typically two years.Looking back at relationships I've had, could I really have loved someone in 6 months? I don't think you know someone well enough so perhaps its 'really like plus lust' (limerence).

I do completely agree with others that say actions are more important, we often see threads where someone posts "he says he loves me but does xyz and knows it upsets me". That usnt love.My husband in the early stages showed his respect and commitment to me in lots of ways but as we both came out of marriages we realised that we each needed to heal and to learn what patterns of behaviour we were likely to take into any new relationship.

Are you feeling in a rush, due to age to settle down?

Original poster
Marryme · 03/04/2015 16:41

It's been a real eye opener for me on here. Made me really question my desperate need to be loved. It is definitely an insecurity thing. I really shouldn't be searching any deeper at the moment. He is sweet and lovely, I can really see myself pushing him away in a desperate need to be reassured of his feelings for me. I have no need to feel insecure, but when he is even 10 minutes late to see me, I immediately think it's all over and he's not coming (I've never admitted that before, this is like therapy!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
Marryme · 03/04/2015 16:47

Newstart, I have 3 children from previous husband, my BF has one from previous relationship, both in our 40's. Really like plus last, I like that, and actually that wouldn't be so bad. I'm beginning to question if I actually rushed in to say it, just as I wanted the security, if he said it back!

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 03/04/2015 18:39

I would seriously suggest some counselling, in that case. Your new man may well be a lovely chap and may well be someone you spend the rest of your life with, but you don't know that yet. Unfortunately, if he is a nice man and you keep on begging for wild romantic gestures and declarations of love, he might decide that you are too needy or insecure for him to cope with, and run away - as you have noted for yourself.
Even more unfortunately, if he isn't very nice he might already have decided that your neediness makes you an excellent subject for power games and controlling, coercive behaviour that he enjoys. A decent counsellor will give you a setting where you can obsess and rant and discuss all your insecurity with someone other than your new chap, who is (presumably) not a mental health expert and would prefer just to have a nice time with you while the two of you get to know each other.
Good luck, anyway.

Wotsitsareafterme · 03/04/2015 18:53

I have this issue too op I had a thread. I am a bit whatever about it now. If I focus on the actions I have nothing to complain about just a nice boyfriend Grin