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Original poster

Why won't he utter those 3 little words?!

40 replies

Marryme · 03/04/2015 10:57

I have not posted on here before, so please forgive me if I ramble.
I am looking for advice, and possibly someone to tell me to stop obsessing and get on with life....Anyway here goes!
I've been with a gorgeous, loving guy for 6 months. We met OLD (just learnt that abbreviation!) and clicked from day one. I feel for him instantly and within about 6 weeks realised I had totally and utterly fallen head over heals with him. During a very romantic dinner I did it and uttered the words "I love you" he smiled held my hand and smiled!!! Fine I thought, people fall at different times, but I was convinced he would have said it back!
I didn't say it again for a couple of weeks, but then did again, during a very passionate time in bed, this time he did actually say "me too" which was OK, but not want I wanted to hear.
A few months on, I regularly say I love you, to him, and all I get back is a smile, or he even said the word "ditto" to me last week!!!
Am I obsessing too much, about wanting to hear him actually say "I love you" or kidding myself?
I have even considered asking his ex wife, if he just always avoided saying it to her....so I'm thinking it is getting a bit of an unhealthy obsession.
Anyone else been in this position, or advice?

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 03/04/2015 20:38

I just wanted to say that the partner who treated me with the most love was the one who never said those three words to me. And the other who never showed any consideration for me, was very free and easy with that phrase. So actually, IMHO, words are cheap, actions are what count.

Wotsitsareafterme · 03/04/2015 21:04

Exh said it all the time - total cock though we are good pals now. Current dp - no I love you but very loving. And if you moan about something he shows remorse and tries to fix it. Which exh didn't!

Startingover231 · 03/04/2015 22:48

marryme - I can definitely relate to the 'he's 10 minutes late, it must be all over' scenario. In the beginning I was like that frequently,but in the end I sat myself down and told myself that
a) it might eventually fail but as he could never hurt me any more than my XH had, so I had nothing to lose and
b) the alternative was to send him on his way and be alone again and never know if the relationship had legs!
I still have moments of anxiety and I still have to remind myself of these things when I am waiting for a text reply, that hasn't come (because he's busy working, out with his mates, seeing his kids etc. etc.) but on the whole I do keep it in check from him as I can imagine it would become very wearing for him to have to be constantly reassuring me! and I want to have fun with him, enjoy his company and see what happens.
It's sad my XH has damaged my trust in this way, but I have promised myself I will never let him take my future with NP, if it fails , it fails because it wasn't meant to be!
Good Luck, sit back and enjoy, he may never say those three little words, but there are so many other ways he can show his feelings for you!

moomoo1967 · 04/04/2015 07:18

Not all people(not just men) are good with putting their feelings into words, I have been with DP nearly 7 years and he has never said it but his actions towards me tell me that he does

SanityClause · 04/04/2015 07:42

DH used to say this to me a lot when he wanted me to say it to him. So, he'd say "I love you" and wait for me to reply in kind. If I didnt, he would say it again a bit louder.

After a while, I told him he wasn't saying "I love you" to me for me; he was asking me to tell him I loved him. Those three little words did not mean "I love you". They meant, "I want you to say 'I love you' to me, now."

Is this what you are doing, Marryme?

mommyof23kids · 04/04/2015 08:41

After nearly 10 years my dh has said it once. I used to be a huge I love your talker but don't say it either. It doesn't bother me truthfully, he loves me, it's very obvious.

BlinkAndMiss · 04/04/2015 09:37

My now DH didn't tell me he loved me until our 1 year anniversary. He's very shy and quiet and although I'd been firmly in love with him for months I refused to let myself be the first to say it - I wanted to hear it from him when he was ready.

Instead of focusing on the words, focus on his actions. Does his behaviour suggest that he loves you? My DH's actions definitely told me that he did, and by that I don't mean anything to do with sex/physical stuff - more the day to day things: texting to see how I was, suggesting places to visit because I'd mentioned something similar, cooking meals, offering things to me first, even holding doors open. It comes down to more than words. The main things was allowing me to just do my own thing, he never questioned where I went or who I was with and just seemed generally happy to trust me. This is probably more relevant to my relationship than in general, my ex was stupidly controlling and didn't trust me (I'd never done anything to merit that behaviour).

When he did say it he'd admitted that he'd been too scared to because it moved us on as a couple, even though he wanted us to move on as a couple it's a huge step. If your DP has been married before then perhaps he's trying to avoid things that he did before which he now perceives as mistakes which could have led to the breakdown of the relationship.

*SanityClause' brings up a good point - I definitely think your eagerness has a lot too do with this.

Honestly, sit back and enjoy the things leading up to the 3 little words. Stop rushing and things will be better between you because they've had time to build up without the massive pressure that comes with trying to always please someone else.

Jokerstotheright · 04/04/2015 09:47

I have been in relationships where I have said I love you after the other person said it because I felt I had to and also because I thought if I said it I might start feeling it. They both knew I didnt love them. So words are meaningless really. I agree with others, it's the actions and feelings that count. Do you feel loved?

Dowser · 04/04/2015 10:13

If OH says ' I love you' , I'm more likely to say ' yes, I love me ' as well and then we roar with laughter!

Roussette · 04/04/2015 10:56

It's just words! And also, telling someone 'I Love You' just six weeks into a relationship is a bit full on. I do think you are in danger of scaring him off if you keep telling him you love him. Let his actions prove his love for you.

I've been married decades but my DH has rarely said "I Love You". He is a man of few words but I know without doubt what his feelings are for me. I don't tell him all the time either, I dislike incessant declarations of love. With anyone I've ever known going on and on with the I Love You's, they've ended up splitting up. Why are you hanging everything on these three little words?

also feeling a bit faint at the thought of you asking the ex-wife!

MiniTheMinx · 04/04/2015 14:22

I know in the past there have been days when I could say it because right there in that moment, at that time I had this overwhelming feeling and wanted to express it. However five minutes later I might be more inclined to want a glass of wine, a soak in the bath, or want to pick their brain and know what the think about Gramsci or some such thing. I can only say it when I feel it intensely and I don't feel it intensely all the time.

Don't ask, please don't, you will never know if its genuine. Wait until he says it, quite unexpectedly. No one should be made to feel obliged to say what others want to hear. Be courageous, be authentic and be honest. If you feel it say it because you are being true to yourself.

Original poster
Marryme · 04/04/2015 17:34

Thank you Mini, that made me smile. I actually feel a lot more relaxed about it now, and a fair bit more confident from hearing all the different experiences on here. I'm not going to spoil things, and enjoy what we have. Brilliant advice from all, thank you.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 04/04/2015 17:48

marryme if deep down and in your heart of hearts you feel your bf doesn't meet your emotional needs, then I would consider whether you have a future together. I say this from experience because I denied and denied it wasn't important for me to have expressions of love, until several years later I realised it was the manifestation of a deeper level of incompatibility.

Thank goodness I eventually admitted to myself what I needed, because I am with someone who has told me he loves me on a regular basis early on because that's his way of expressing things.

So, this isn't an LTB moment, rather it's a "maybe he isn't right for me" moment. Especially if you have this worry so early on, and in a committed physical relationship. If he can't find it within him to tell you the 3 words you want to hear, it sounds like it just isn't his style, and only you know if that's a show-stopper.

toffeeboffin · 04/04/2015 18:01

I agree with Islanegra, action speak far louder. He sounds like a good guy, try and calm down a bit! Grin

daisychain01 · 04/04/2015 21:30

I agree that actions speak louder than words, but when actions are combined with the words that's what makes a difference.

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