feeling very sad right now.

[scotsmum2015]

I wrote a big spiel and then it said I had to log on to post so .... here we go again. I'm really on here to try and occupy my racing head and stop crying. My 16 year old has left to go to her father's and might not be coming back. I know to say this makes me sound but bitter but he isn't really interested in her, phones sporadically, let's her down constantly and switches his phone off constantly so that no one can reach him. She and I argued earlier in the week and she was asked to submit the cellphone I pay for, she refused so I wrestled it off her- wrong I know. It ended with her calling me a f**g b**h and pathetic. Since then I have tried to talk to her, apologised for my part in it and discuss a way forward but she won't back down. Since she went to high school there have been problems, constant lateness to the extent she us facing being kicked out at the summer, that's what started the fight as she refuses to act responsibly. Her guidance teacher told me her attitude stinks as she is failing to take responsibility for deadlines. She refuses to consider any other career than dentistry despite getting mostly c at prelims and continuing to only study when forced. I push her to study as i have tried asking her to be realistic and consider other less academic career paths , I don't care what she does as long as it's something! I pay for a tutor at her request so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask her to do a bit of work. She has had every opportunity, guitar, piano lessons, gymnastics and dropped them all with little care. She wanted to go to 2 dance schools despite me warning it would be a lot of commitment and happily let me pay but goes when it suits her. I too her to London for her birthday at the weekend and it was obvious she really didn't appreciate the money and effort put in. basically she doesn't aseem to appreciate anything. I'm not rich, I'm a nurse who works extra shifts for these luxuries and I go without. I go to work and I come home to look after her and I really don't do much else if it doesn't involve her! Her dad is delighted. He blames me and says her problems are all down to my working and not being there! Nothing to do with his absences for large chdunks if her life or letting her down at the last minute, I have spoiled her but I only tried to give what I could and I thought it would help her in life. He has a bad temper and beat me when we argued and I worry what will happen when they clash. We spit up as he refused to work regularly and wouldn't back down and it just feels like history repeating except I cannot imagine my daughter that I love with all my heart turning away from me. I have cried so much over this and have palpitations every time I stop typing. I'm so scared for her future and feel this is going to lead to disaster for her. I told her to stay away until she is ready to compromise so I have made this happen and now I suffer! But how could I allow it either? I wish she was 10 again as I know I would do it all completely differently. Sorry to go on so much. X

Hi there OP
We've moved this to our relationships page.

no advice op as my dd is only little but i hope you are feeling a bit better this morning. im sure someone will come along with some advice soon

I really think you need to stop spoiling her and giving her so much. She really does not appreciate it at all. She wants to go her own way but expects you to fund this.

I hope I do not sound unsympathetic but I went through this with my own eldest dd and I knew in my heart she was not doing her work. I supported her when she had a baby in her teens and then fell pregnant again whilst doing yet another course, denying it all the while.

When I was buying her clothes and paying for things to try and make her happy and settle down I knew in my gut it was wrong and that it was now up to her.

Let her go to her dad's. She will not last there. But you need to decide whether you want to let her play you off against each other all the time. I had my daughter back and history repeated itself. I think this is a watershed moment for you and you can choose to make a stand and stop funding her whims and desires. If you don't matters will carry on in the same vein.

My own dd appreciates me a whole lot more now I have stopped doing so much for her, although I do as much as I find bearable and does not make me feel bad about myself.

This sounds such a complicated situation, with all sorts of issues getting mixed up with each other. I really think you should consider counselling.

As it is, accept your daughter's decision to move to her dad's house.

Classic case of good cop bad cop isn't it? We full-time parents have to do it all. The good, bad and the ugly parts of parenting. It's easy to be the fun one and chuck money at the situation once in a while.

Be patient OP. He'll be fulfilling his proper parenting role soon enough. FINALLY! See this as an opportunity to have some much needed time out. Ask him to focus her attentions on her studies. He needs to be the responsible parent now! Get him to step up. Sit back and watch that unravel. She'll be appreciating you before you know it!

Try not to apologise for your behaviour. You are the parent. We aren't always perfect and don't always get it right but we try and we'd it because we love them unconditionally and want the best. Even if you suspect you have lost it and done the wrong thing... Save the apology for once you have made up. Never when still fighting g because you are literally handing her the moral high ground! Undeservedly!

It's ok to say in a reconciliatory way that you are sorry you got so cross but get her to understand your pressures. Talk, talk, talk. In a row if you say "I'm so sorry" and she's cross she will read it as" mum did something really wrong" and you didn't. You just lost your patience... We all do that!

My SIL has had a terrible time with her teenage daughter. She says she has broken her heart. They have had screaming matches and my SIL is such a lovely person. Niece has a mean streak. But she'll come good. Can't help thinking though OP that if SIL and BIL were separated she would have gone to her dads.

So hard for you. Take this YOU time. Write her a letter if you wish. Just keep it simple. Tell her you love her. I know seem like nah, etc. but just want you to be the best you can be, Etc. You are always there for her. Etc. Would keep it pure and simple.

Then wait. Be there. Love her and wait. She won't stay mad with a mum who loves her.

Not read the full thread as heading out.

My eldest left to live with her Dad (although he was involved etc.) and she has moved back in after a few years. Living with him did open her eyes to realising that he wasn't "wonderful" and that we actually give her the parenting she needs (even at 18!).

I know how much it hurts though, be supportive of her decision and make it clear that the door is always open for her to come back (may be sooner than she thinks!).

Hey op

She possibly thinks she going to get an easy time when she's there, chances are she's going to get a shock.

It's going to be hard your end watching this new chapter unravel but you really need to step back and watch the fur fly. You've done everything you could have done as a loving and supportive mum, and had it thrown back in your face.

It's tough love time now, once the shine has gone off of dads parenting style and she's not getting all the treats and attention, she may start re thinking her options. He might surprise you and give her some boundaries of his own, if she starts applying herself then that's a win for everyone. But it will hurt you if he does that and she turns things around, the thing is its a positive whoever achieves it with her.

Youve done your bit op for now, so start taking some time for yourself and step back from the edge for a while. She may have to fail to start climbing back up again, some teens have to learn the really hard way before they realise what they are doing is only harming themselves.

Thank you so much all of you for taking the time to put your thoughts and comment back on my situation. Last night was awful but I'm up and moving today, still hurting but trying to get on with it, I know there are people out there facing worse and I will just sit back and let fate take its course. If dad is able to get her to grow up and become responsible then I will happily shake his hand and encourage her to stay there. I know there us nothing further to do at this moment and I have to let her fail if that's what she is on course to do. Dad works odd hours and said she will be home alone all week so she will have plenty time to think about what she wants. Thank you again. X

Hi op, sorry you are feeling so low. You are so concerned about her future, working yourself to the bone paying for tutors and luxuries, that makes you a fantastic mum! Unfortunately your dd doesn't appreciate you, but life will teach her those valuable lessons. Leave her to her dad, if she thinks she can do better there then let her try. Don't beat yourself up about the phone incident, the way she spoke to you was disgusting she clearly doesn't respect you. It's best you both have space from each other. I would advise you to keep the door open, let her know you still love and want the best for her and she can come back only on condition there are some rules. Also you both can work out a plan for her future before she comes back. Hang in there

you'll have to let her go i'm afraid.
however, i don't think this is necessarily a bad thing as she needs to be taught a few lessons.
your DD wants to learn the hard way, so let her.
she's about to find life very hard indeed with some of horrible choices she's making for herself.
she'll probably realise how horrible she's been to you once she has a few bad experiences of her own.

The advice you are all giving is helping me to stay strong and continue not to reach out so thank you, I am very grateful. I know it will be important to wait and let her decide without any pressure as I'm sad but I feel at least now something might change. X

I am about ready to flip my stack!!!! The nerve of that girl. She us sitting at her dad's with no WiFi, I changed the password to prevent her topping up and she has added 24 pounds overnight to next month's bill that I pay!!!!! I am tied into a 12 month contract and have been on telling them she has got round security . I am livid! This us not the actions of someone who us feeling at all remorseful about their conduct!! If I was able to I would be going right over there and demanding the SIM out of the phone!!!! Raging!!!!!! She will never realise how much she has blown her cushy wee number!!!! What a fool!

Oh dear. I had a very similar situation with my son and his phone, in his case he was making 3am translatlantic calls to his "girlfriend" who he had met on facebook! While living at his birth mum's and racked up £300 on my bill!

Call your provider and tell them that the phone has been stolen and can they please block the sim. They will disable it immediately. They will then offer to send you a new sim (you may have to pay £10 for this or they might do it free, depends on the provider.) You can either give this to her, or not. I would suggest not, and let her dad know that if he wants to take control of the phone, he needs to buy you out of the contract and pay for it instead (this will be possible, ask your provider. Usually you just need to pay the remaining contract months in one go.)

Thanks. Have just blocked it. Imagining eruptions . What else could I have done? I'll sit back now and see how long it takes for her to get bored with no phone, I keep looking at photos of her around the house and wondering where that lovely funny wee girl went!. Thanks for commenting. X

My DS is 22 and has decided to move to
his Dads, he's gone this weekend. If he was getting his own place it wouldn't hurt like it does. I feel heartbroken that he's chose his dad over me - his dad left us when he was 10 months old and I've done all the parenting and this is how I've been paid back. I feel so fed up & sad at the moment :-(( I feel like I'm being replaced.

I know exactly how your feeling, feeling helpless, you do all the fun and not so fun stuff, you build your life around them ( probably wrongly) and try to provide them with all that they Need to have them functional happy adults..... then they thank you by casting you aside for the parent that was never available!

What has prompted his decision? Does dad live far away and he wants new pastures? Or have you, like me, argued and struggled and he has left in anger? If you have had a good relationship with him then this might just be about him getting to know his dad?
Does he know how you feel?

It's a horrible feeling. I have cried my eyes out all week. Then I saw the phone bill and became really angry. Now I feel sad again and worried that this is it for us. I hope he maintains his relationship with you whilst he is gone. He might not like at his dad's and return. Do you have other kids or a partner to help you? I hope you feel better soon x

Half past 6 in the morning and I'm wide awake and worried. Not heard a thing from her now for 5 days... phones Been out of action since yesterday.... her dad is behaving exactly as I would have expected...... no maintenance put into the bank so obviously it looks like she is planning to stay there... if I could go back to Tuesday though I think the only thing I could have done was block the phone instead of taking it from her by force. I wish I had known how easy it was... it would have been blocked a few times recently... I know I can phone her too but I have said everything I can in the letter I gave her, the only thing I could do is say forget it and just come home... it wouldn't help the situation as she would just behave worse and I would be no more than a servant... all she is being asked to do is accept some boundaries and admit that behaviour was too far. It's so painful to confront the truth that you are no more than a commodity and the love and loyalty you felt existed within the mother. Child relationship was an illusion. I felt damaged after escaping from the relationship with her dad .. but this us 10 x worse.. I don't know how I will get over this. Maybe this is weak and pathetic of me but I just feel really sad and lonely and betrayed.

She'll twig it's not all roses and be back. Hugs to you. Think of it this way: you've tried so hard to teach her the easy way. She now wants to learn the hard way. We all did at some point. Just make sure she knows your door is always open :)

I'm sorry you feel so sad OP. I too am in the camp of the grass isn't greener on the other side. I would not contact but when she does contact you to come home, stay strong and state the terms under which this is allowed.

She will contact, her dad thinks he would like custody but a few days/weeks of being responsible for a teenager will change his mind.

Stay strong and don't let the pair of them make you feel you've done anything wrong.

Thank you. Just felt terribly alone this morning.... I know this is the right action even though it hurts. School is back in 2 weeks time so I guess I'll find out if she is back or phones by the end of the holidays. the best of it is, I'm off as I requested my holidays to take her to London ,then make sure she did a bit of study as her exams start in 6 weeks. I had also thought a couple of nice wee days out with her and catch up with my friends but I haven't a face for anyone right now. I'm actually wishing myself back to work as it means time passes quicker and I'll know the outcome of this. Thanks for the kind words and encouragement.

Sorry you're still feeling so down and I think it's totally understandable how you feel. I also think she'll be back once she realises the grass isn't always greener! My DS did even though he was hostile for a time, I messaged him a few times on FB but it took about 9 months before he came back to me. But we are now much closer than ever before and he has said to me that I did do the right thing at the time.

What I did wrong was I was so angry with him, not for running up the phone bill but for lying about it, and I lost my temper with him and said to him "Your dad was a liar and so are you". :( And his dad had only died about 9 months previous. :( :( Seriously my worst moment ever as a parent.

It's a horrible thing to go through.
My DD left to live with her dad in another country when she was 13/14.
She came back to me a year later after realising her dad was a knob.
She came back far more appreciative.
She is now 17 and a good egg. We had some horrible times with her but she's out the other side now.
You may find it takes a while but she will realise sooner or later.

I've just had a message from her dad asking when he orthodontist appointment is. She is due on Friday but she had the appointment card. I don't even want to phone as think I would start crying.. she obviously has no intention of coming home soon. He is an idiot and will use the call to have another go. My mobile is out of use just now. This whole situation is horrible. I feel sick....

Can you just ring him and say something like "Can't stop to talk but the appointment is Friday at 10.30. Got to go, bye!" and just hang up? Or can you email him instead and explain your phone is not working?

Oh I can write a book on this subject, firstly. She is 16, & they can be so selfish & stupid at that age, believe me, its not YOU, its her ! she will grow up, she will improve.
You did absolutely the right thing taking her phone off her, You are going out to work to pay for her privileges, & she is 16, she knows there are rules, & she isn't playing by them.
She will soon be miserable with her father, or if she is on her own all week cooking & wandering about an empty house., He can pay her phone bill, He can make her do her homework, He can call time on curfews, or not? He can go ballistic if she trashes the house when he is ou or skips school...

"You can lead a horse to water but not make it drink", I know its a cliché, but she has been shown the way to behave, & she has chosen not to. the Only important thing is for her to not do drugs, & to not get pregnant, there is a solution for EVERYTHING else. Yes there really is, she might leave school, she might end up working in a shop, it DOESN'T matter, she is young, & there are loads of apprenticeships, & other ways to get qualifications.
She is currently living with her father, it's better than running away ! she may get fed up of having to do her own laundry, clean up after their dinner etc...

It is sudden & hurting you, I know exacly how you feel...but don't back down, she will only do it again if you show weakness. Just tell her the door is open, you love her, but her behavior is not acceptable. Try & do some of the things YOU want to do instead of running around after her...you deserve it.

Some years after my daughter came home after running away with all sorts of other major problems, she asked me for something, & I said "no", she said jokingly, "oh you have broken my heart", I looked at her, & said gently, "everyone gets their turn"..... she looked into my eyes, she understood at that moment, how she had broken my heart years before...
She is fine now... but my God it hurt.