I have NO friends

[fiftyshadesofgrot]

. . . and I would like some. Im 41, have 2 young DC, 1 in reception and the other in Nursery. I dont work and it doesnt look like I'll get a job for a while but I will keep applying.

I have no idea what it is about me that puts people off - it doesnt happen right away. However after 2 or 3 meets I contact the person and nada, excuses excuses, we are busy, maybe next time e.t.c. I know I appear to be uncomfortable at times in social situations and have poor eye contact from time to time. Is that enough to put people off me? This post comes across as being needy but Im pretty sure that is not how I come across in real life.

How many friends do you have if you have young DC? Are you truly at ease when you meet friends? Do you make friends easily? Am I missing something? How do you hang on to friendships? Should I give up?

Anyone?

Without knowing you it's difficult to know why you are finding it hard to make and keep friends

Personally I have a lot of female acquaintances I have known from different jobs/times in my life and 2 absolute best friends I was very fortunate to meet and work with every day over 10 years ago... So we know each other very well, warts and all!!

I have made a few new "mummy" friends, and probably only 2 of them I would consider "proper" friends

It's so difficult to build friendships when you have lo's to concentrate on, plus if your parenting styles are different then that hinders/stops the friendship IMO

Are you socialising with or without the lo's?

My best advice would be to join some groups to widen your friend pool, what are your interests/hobbies? Friendship is a 2 way street so if someone isn't interested then you just gotta let them go and move on to the next

Hello fifty ?

I have 5 yr old twins & I don't make new friends easily. I find most people are very busy and aren't really interested in making new friends. I'm quite introverted so prefer my own company most of the time ( its less stressful! ) but it would be nice to "click" with someone. I'd love to make a special friend to go for coffee with, browse shops with & share experiences, but sadly I don't really have anyone like that lives nearby. It's lonely sometimes, but luckily I'm so busy, I don't really have time to dwell on it. I sympathise, if you're near Cardiff, let me know! ?

Im also introverted andnot great with making friends. Im also a single parent with a 5 and a 3 yr old and a demanding job and dont get out. I think I will always be alone.

Gosh I have no idea. I have had periods when I didn't have many friends, I seemed to mix in the wrong circles - I didn't 'get' what the people I came into contact with were all about.
Now, I have lots of friends. I think I've found the square geeks that I like to hang out with, not the cool folk. I'm not cool, tried it, but I'm not so I don't gel with those type of people. I like strong opinionated women that are kind, that's what I'm like I suppose. Not everyone's cup of tea. I have certainly had people 'drop' me before and when I was younger I was bewildered. (Now I realise I was trying to build my agenda in a friendship and not a shared one).

So what changed? I suppose I've done a couple of things, I join in with groups that have similar interests, I listen to things and read books that interest me. I also offer the hand of friendship, but only when I feel there is some glimmer of a connection and then quite gently. I look for reciprocation of similar invites and don't push if things seem to be one sided.

You've got to put it out there I suppose. Sorry, I'm rambling.

Sympathies, OP. You don't mention a DP. Are you a single parent? If so, it must be hard dealing with two DC by yourself. Why not try to join some family activity? If one DC is in reception, you might be able to volunteer to help out in class, like listening to kids read once a week. My DD's school does this. Or at DC's nursery, do you have parents' play sessions during the nursery day? You can meet other like-minded people that way, i.e. other mums.

Perhaps you need to join some activities to get yourself out there and amongst other people.

I'm quite introverted or used to be. But my role at work requires me to manage quite a large team of people so it's thrown me straight into the situation that I didn't used to think I could handle, i.e. dealing with people. I'm sure when you get a job, you will feel more at ease in social situations because you become more used to mixing with different people.

I wouldn't necessarily say your acquaintances are making excuses. They are probably actually very busy people! I don't see my two best friends for at least a couple of months before we meet again. But time passes quickly between our meetings because we are all so busy holding down busy jobs whilst juggling DC. So I think you need to continue to occasionally contact these people, see if they want to go for coffee, maybe arrange play dates with DC as a reason for meeting. Having DC usually helps conversations flow, I find!

I don't have young children (yet! First one on the way)

The friends I have are mostly old friends, two from school (I'm 37 now....) and one from a shared interest, who I have known for 17yrs.

Two others from a shared interest that I have known 10 & 14yrs.

My most recent friend is a colleague of 10yrs who in the last few years I have become very close to.

Some of these i see often (colleague!) but many I can go for months without seeing due to lack of time

What I"m trying to say really us that it can be really hard to make new friends - aLL of mine have been made when i see people daily for a prolonged period and then forge a friendship. Maybe look into groups/hobbies where you can do this? Its easier to get to know people when its not so forced. And of course will be much easier when you are working. :-)

I don't have many friends locally to me as we relocated last year. I am starting from scratch with 2 little ones and I've become a sahm too. I am doing some volunteering as bf supporter, everyone on my course is practically in the same boat. Once maternity leave ends most women go back to work and we are left with toddlers who don't sit still and can't go to the groups we used to go to. As a family we started going to church and we are slowly making friends of all ages there.

It's so hard turning up to a toddler group and finding everyone has a friend already, I waited until someone new came one week and introduced myself. Just have to keep plugging at it I suppose. I've got a good social network online with old friends which helps a lot.

Also, in reality, people don't actually have as many friends as, say, their social network accounts suggest they do, and in practice, only a handful or two are actual close friends.

I have a few best friends who I have known since school and some from college, some from uni. I also have friends from parenting groups like baby yoga and play sessions from when DD was a baby. I made a real effort in DD's early days to get out there and mix with other mums as it can be v lonely with just baby to keep you company whilst everyone else is working. So I do think you need to join some activity and friendships will come with time.

Really feel for you. Am in the same boat except I work full time so even miss out on school run opportunities to get to know people. Was so excited when DD started school, I thought this would finally be the time when it become easier to make friends as we all had at least something in common. If you watch the MN boards you'll see there are loads of people looking for friends but where are they in real life? No idea.

I'm in the same boat too, I find it really hard to admit, because I don't see myself as a social pariah. I am friendly with people at work, but they are workmates not friends.

I think my problems started with being cut out of a friendship group at school. It has made me very guarded and aloof I think. It is so easy to feel excluded. I remember when my son was young when a group of 3 women were at the park together with their kids. I feel like that will never be me.

I had hoped something would change when I had my child but I had a difficult time when he was a baby and didn't get out to groups. Now whenever I am at the group I go to or soft play everybody is in friendship groups. I feel so sorry for my son, all the other kids have a circle of ready made friends in a way. I have nobody to have play dates with, I often think I Wong be able to have a party for him for example because I don't have anyone to invite.

Are you religious at all? Local church or other religious community might be a good place to start.

If you are able to get a baby sitter are you able to attend some night classes?

Evening courses? At lease you meet people with the same interests. Mine are older but when they were small I did a pretty intensive course and made friends for life.

If you can't find a job, start volunteering. You'll meet new people, and enhance your job prospects at the same time.

You'll be in contact with people long enough for them to properly get to know you and for you to build relationships with them - it's always easier if you have something in common to talk about or work on.

Loads of charities are desperate for volunteers, and will usually take whatever time you can offer. Do something that involves working with other people though, not something that's lone volunteering, like chatting to old ladies. Nothing wrong with that - but it's not what you need for yourself.

Is there a PTA at DC1's school? I joined the committee of my DC1's when she was in reception and it massively widened my friendship group. I'm a SAHM too with one DC at preschool and spend some of my childfree mornings helping out in the PTFA. I'm very outgoing and tend to approach other mums for a bit of inane conversation and occasionally find someone I want to spend more time with.

When you do the afternoon school run, you could get there a bit early and chat with the parent of whoever your youngest is playing with, I made new friends due to my youngest haring around with another child whilst waiting for the eldest to come out.

I don't "hang on to friendships", it should be fun and easygoing so if the person is hard work and/or evasive I back off. I have a friend through the DCs who would always decline when we arranged an evening out so I stopped asking her. She happened to hear about a night out we went on and said she would have liked to come. I told her to say yes occasionally when I invite her; she did.

Some great idea's here, DD's school might need volunteers or perhaps I ought to take up a hobby in the evenings.

I feel terrible about not having friends today. I can't help but wonder what it is that Im doing to put people off. Of course nobody will tell me so Im none the wiser. My thoughts go out to those in the same boat - its rubbish isn't it?

I make friends pretty easily. It was only when other people said they don't that I analysed why I do and I think there's a few things:

I'm confident. People seem to like that.
I'm persistent, without being stalky :) My best friend actually said the other day that the only reason we became friends in the first place is because I kept inviting him to the toddler group I run over and over even when he didn't turn up a few times. Eventually he did turn up, we became great friends and now we're very close.
I smile a lot.
I say hi to everyone I know, anytime I see them.
I listen.
I remember what someone has said and I ask them about it the next time I see them.
I pay (non-gushy) compliments.
I invite people to do things, over and over if necessary.
I organise group things and invite a lot of people to allow that ice-breaking thing.

I think I assume people want to be my friend until they indicate very clearly otherwise. I'm pretty oblivious to what people think of me, which helps. I find that if you just assume people want to hang out with you, they will. If they don't want to, you'll find that out eventually and move on.

I do that same as Cail. I am quite thick skinned so I persist in inviting people to stuff etc Our Pta is huge but always after day time volunteers to help organise stuff. The core SAHM volunteers generally then get to know tons of people. I work, but still get involved and net loads of interesting parents and some close mates now

I also never turn down invite unless it's impossible. I know lots who say they don't know many people at our school, but then they don't get involved, attend events, don't come for coffee etc when invited etc - even if they are not working.

Same here Almost. I'll drop everything for an invite, I'm pretty much always available unless I'm genuinely tied up doing something else.

I often wonder, actually, how people are so "busy." The whole "I can't I'm busy" thing comes up a lot. I'm not busy, I'm available! I love hanging out with people so will always do that instead of pretty much anything else (which is probably why my house is so filthy).

Cail you could have described me in your post! People comment that I seem to know everyone even though our school is big. I genuinely like meeting new people and like the community feel it brings, so invest effort in it. If I find some one like OP I try and actively involve them too.

Haha yes people say 'I've got jobs to do' I smile and think 'oh so have I, but I'd rather drink coffee and get to know my fellow parents and neighbours so coffee it is. Need a parent volunteer? Yep I'll squeeze that in too some how and work later'

One of the main things I think people don't get is the effort it takes to make friends. I absolutely do not mind making the effort at all, I enjoy it thoroughly but by no means do friends come flocking to my door unbidden to spend time with me. I've lived in my current area for nearly 4 years and I suppose it's in the last year and half or so that friendships have become closer and more solid. That's taken constant effort on my part, again, effort I'm happy to make but it's time consuming and requires a certain commitment.