I have NO friends

[fiftyshadesofgrot]

. . . and I would like some. Im 41, have 2 young DC, 1 in reception and the other in Nursery. I dont work and it doesnt look like I'll get a job for a while but I will keep applying.

I have no idea what it is about me that puts people off - it doesnt happen right away. However after 2 or 3 meets I contact the person and nada, excuses excuses, we are busy, maybe next time e.t.c. I know I appear to be uncomfortable at times in social situations and have poor eye contact from time to time. Is that enough to put people off me? This post comes across as being needy but Im pretty sure that is not how I come across in real life.

How many friends do you have if you have young DC? Are you truly at ease when you meet friends? Do you make friends easily? Am I missing something? How do you hang on to friendships? Should I give up?

Oh and it pisses me off mightily when people say "I'm never invited to anything," or "No one ever talks to me." Emmm how about inviting people out yourself, or talking to people yourself? Even my close friends can be bad for this - and I've had to tell a couple of them off for it. I did say to a good friend the other day "the phone goes both ways you know!" - she got the message :)
Seriously though at times I do get pissed off that I'm the one organising things all the time. My best friend is very good at arranging things for just me and him which is great but other friends are very slow to get things arranged. I'd love for someone else to organise a barbecue or set a date for a group night out for once!

I totally agree. I have lived in my area a long long time but only had children for a few years. Most of my old friends don't so I have invested a lot of time and effort in building up a whole new 'life' with new friends with children age 0-5 in it!

Yes to your 14.11 post too. I too sometimes would like to not be the one setting dates and texting everyone lol! Then everyone says 'but you're really good at getting us all organised to do fun stuff' ...

Hi OP
I think we need a bit more info in order to help!

1 Have you any friends from your past- eg school, uni, work? If not, why not? Most people 'collect' friends over a lifetime and hang onto some even if others drift away and move house.

2 Is it a case of you don't actually meet people- or that you do meet them and can't form friendships? Most of the tips here are about getting out and meeting new people. But that's no good if your people-skills are poor and you drive potential friends away.

3 If you meet people but they shy away from you, are you doing anything 'wrong'?

I am going to list some of the things that would put me off someone who wanted to be my friend- excuse the frankness of some!!!

• someone who doesn't listen and is a bit me, me , me. In other words they are not interested in me, but like to talk 'at me' about themselves.

• someone who is unreliable and blows hot and cold- speaks some days at the school gate but not others.

• someone who has either no interests and is 'dull' or is very opinionated and makes sure we all know about their views even if not asked.

• someone who is always grumbling - about anything- and criticises other mums etc easily.

-someone who has a very 'alternative' lifestyle which differs hugely from mine and I feel we could never see eye to eye.

• someone whose personal appearance is dirty, poor personal hygiene, or whose children are dressed in grubby clothes etc all the time.

• someone who smokes or is known to be too fond of a drink.

• someone whose kids are very badly behaved and who you'd not want playing with yours or in your house.

These are a few of the reasons that me and other mums I've talked to over the years have rejected people who want to be friends.

None of them may apply to you but worth having a think over.

I have no best friends. I'm very introverted and to top it off have bitchy resting face so permanently look like I'm giving people the stink eye even though I am actually very happy.

I have a hobby and have met lots of people that way. A bunch that I get on really well with but none I'm really close to. Makes me sad sometimes but I do understand that I appear unfriendly and that it is difficult to get people past that.

Interesting PINK. I think I'm one of the ones that blows hot and cold. Being an introvert can mean I'm not always able to put myself out there even to someone I was friendly with the day before.

I'd say even an introvert can smile and say 'hi' to someone at the school gate if they are normally on speaking terms with them.

what used to put me off would-be friends ( school gate type) was if they were chatty one day and ignored me the next- even to the extent of walking past me in the street with barely a nod of recognition- it would come across as 'moody'. who needs that?!

Of course nobody will tell me so Im none the wiser.

But if they did tell you, would it help? Probably not, it would probably just hurt your feelings and make you feel even more dejected. You cannot change an intrinsic part of your personality to suit others. You just have to accept that if you are quirky and an acquired taste you may have to work a bit harder and wait a bit longer to find where, and with whom you fit.

where is the evidence she is quirky?

Quirky can be attractive, so I don't think it's fair to label her as that.

It could be anything- even tone of voice! some people don't talk, they bray! Could be something as simple as that.

It's a bit like BO- you need a best friend to have a quiet word sometimes.

I don't make friends easily either. It takes me at least 6 months of regularly seeing someone before I consider them a friend. My partner meets someone twice and they are best friends!

It's sad to hear that you have no friends however. Do you have family who can help you? Can they point out where you might be going wrong? Or perhaps set you up with similar people. As in, people who have similar interests, not other people with no friends.

Where are you? Maybe some lovely MNers would like to meet another local mum and can introduce you to other mums.

I have difficulty making friends too.

I'd love to do all the things that cailindana has suggested, they seem obvious, sensible things, but it scares me. Ridiculous I know. Some people make it look so easy!

I have been known to hide from people I know, say from work, if I see them in the supermarket because I'm anxious about chatting to them, I get that sweaty upper lip and my heart pounds..

I'm scared to invite people to things. It makes me really anxious. I might drop a message on facebook saying "we should catch up soon" or whatever but I know people don't take that seriously when it's not an actual suggestion.

I tell myself everyone will be too busy so why ask. But really it's probably being scared of rejection. I'm pretty sure it all comes from being at school and the bitchiness and cliquey-ness and bullying that went on back then.

Cow those of who are out there do sometimes feel like that too. I have developed a thick skin as a result.

Cailindana, I think many people can take a leaf out of your book.

Confidence is a major factor. I used to lack quite a bit of confidence, possibly due to quiet upbringing and tendency of my parents not to take us anywhere that would give us the opportunity to meet different people and make new friends. I might have been what people may term 'socially awkward'. I still feel like that to some extent but I'm much better now in adulthood.

People do want to make friends with me (I think!) and mums do want to stick around to have a natter with me. Ok, that's not necessarily a friendship as such but I do feel I'm getting quite close to some of these mums despite not seeing these people all the time. I like to ask people about themselves and smile a lot too. My boss says I'm really cheerful and my team members say the same. I think people feel they can talk and befriend a friendly, smiling person. It demonstrates warmth of personality.

I second asking people about something they mentioned to you in previous conversations. It shows that you were listening and that you think the other person is important enough for you to ask questions about them. Human beings subconsciously like to feel a certain level of importance and that people are interested in them. So if you demonstrate you were paying attention last time you spoke, they will subconsciously be thinking "oh, she was listening to me. I must be interesting to her. Let's talk to her some more". And so begins a friendship.

OP, do you, or could you, do any of this? I feel it will help.

sweet muffins - thanks for the advice. I do ask about people and follow up on previous conversations, check up on their lives, how things are going and specifics. The 'conversation' usually ends up with me asking all the questions, talking about them, learning about them. When I do try to give something away about myself it reverts back to them. Im not saying this to sound bitter - it is how it is and always has been. Perhaps Im the listener so people conclude than I dull? I smile plenty and not in a creepy way. Im often told Im warm - is there a line that I cross by being warm to cause suspicion in people?

pinkfrocks- Thanks for your insight.

1 Have you any friends from your past? No because I had to change my identity and start a new. I have been in the same town attempting to make new friendships for 3 years. However, Ive never been able to hang on to friends in the past anyway. I meet many people but cannot form lasting friendships.

In your list I can honestly say that the only one I may be guilty of is blowing hot and cold at the school gates. This is because of my anxiety and lack of confidence so there is not much I can do about that unless I suddenly develop confidence overnight. Oh and I am fond of a drink (but no-one knows this as we dont hang out!) Certainly not grubby, in your face, me me me, NO slagging people off e.t.c.

I dont bray, most people would describe me as softly spoken. Perhaps I sound unenthusiastic? Although I very much doubt it as I smile/laugh often.

cailindana - I invite many people out. We had a party for DD's birthday with her new reception friends. We were flattered that all accepted and came (about 15). 2 invited us out back. Some of the children had subsequent parties but my DD was not invited. Ive also approached people at the school gate, swapped numbers (their suggestion or mine), contacted them and no reciprocation. try again, no reply.

Crossfitmyarse - I would LOVE for someone to tell me where I'm going 'wrong'. After all these years and the rejection being a frequent occurrence, I need to know. It can't hurt me anymore than Im hurting now IFSWIM.

So there you have it, it is a mystery to me. It hurts and makes me so sad that Im in floods of tears now. And no. . .I wouldn't share these feelings with anyone in real life.

Whereabouts are you? Some of us might be close by. I'm sorry you're feeling so low. I sympathise - felt the same when we moved to a new area. School pta helped though I don't have close friends here (yet). My closest friends are in my home town. That said, small steps, such as chatting to people and going to the park with DCs and classmates (who all seem to end up there in decent weather!) after school, has really helped.