New life at 50?

[bluenailpolish]

Anyone out there started a new life aged 50? Did you meet a new partner, did it work out well or badly? How much money do you need to start again, realistically? Anyone made other big changes too? Is there a new life for us or is it better to stay with what's safe?

Sounds like you're not happy where you are and are contemplating jumping ship? I would counsel expecting to be single for a while at least, and embracing that - if you've been in a stifling relationship for a long time, enjoy the freedom! Money-wise, it depends on your income - you can research how much a small flat costs to rent, in an area that minimises transport costs, find out online what the typical council tax/utility bills would be.... There's not much around by way of benefits for single adults without dependent children I think - housing benefit maybe? - but I don't know much about that.

I'm starting a new life a few years older than 50. I haven't had a great deal of choice, husband walked out, but I'm going to make a great new life for myself without his dominance and control and the ensuing anxiety and fear for me.

It's up and down, mostly up. I wouldn't have him back. I'd rather live life on my terms, even if it shoves me right out if my comfort zone for now.

I did it. It didnt work out how I'd hoped it would (left long relationship after meeting new partner) so after 20 odd years I found myself on my own in a new house, no friends, luckily my job was ok and still is. But its hard, and lonely like you wouldnt beleive, and tbh I know that when this job goes (in a year) it will be even harder. I have a couple of friends who were in this situ and are now working low wage jobs, living alone. That will be me soon, and I am not looking forward to it. By the time you're 50 theres a lot of stuff cant be changed, and its a cold world out there. IMHO you need to make sure youve done everything you can to improve what youve got first. Then at least you wont be living with regret.

I love my single life. No-one trying to dominate, no-one expecting me to provide "services" of whatever kind. A good social life, a job I enjoy (I have been very lucky there). Some people cannot contemplate being single and living alone and it can take time to become accustomed to it. It all depends on me and I love that.

There's lots of us out here starting new lives at 50 - it is the new 30!! I have young children, so have no intention of slowing down hopefully. Your health is the most important thing. Do some exercise, eat heathily etc. And yes at 50 it is still possible to meet new people and have fun.

what's the situation OP? Are you currently single, separated, thinking of leaving, met OM?

I'd caution against chasing rainbows- ie another man - if you are just a bit bored. But if you are genuinely unhappy and want to leave a marriage then no, it's far from too late.

You have another 35 years of life ahead of you or more.

I have a good friend who was divorced at 50-ish (not her choice) and she has now met someone at 64 (but she looks 10 years younger). So it's never too late. I know people in their 70s and 80s who met new partners after being widowed.

I think we need a bit more detail from you to offer any advice- a lot depends on whether you can support yourself, if children are involved etc.

Does make a lot of difference if you have children at home with you, so that life can more or less go on as before, just without the partner - or if you'll be moving into exile as it were.

And it is probably easier in some ways if you are the one that gets dumped, weirdly enough - you feel like complete shit, obviously, but it isn't shit you've chosen to bring upon yourself.

I wouldn't have chosen to change my life, even though I knew it wasn't perfect, but even from the start, when I felt like I'd been punched in the stomach, I knew there were some things that were better now he'd gone. And I'm finding more things I like about it.

I don't want to rush straight on to the next long-term relationship, but there are people who are interested, and that's nice to know. It's also nice to know that I'm OK without a partner.

Yes but Raven, life can't go on as before if the marital home is sold- not many women get to have the house as part of the deal unless there are compelling reasons why they should.

Well it's hard but you have to get out there and make yourself do things. It sounds ancient but a lot of 50 year olds have a young outlook on life and are more fit and active than our parents and grandparents generation.

I have been single for three years and there are many advantages I can assure you. I have had a new lease of life for doing things like going out on the town and I am fitter than I've been for twenty years as I've got the time to go to the gym. I have had a few short relationships and amazingly had a lot of interest from men (got a first date even tonight.)

Having said that it can also be bloody hard. I've only got one or two single friends and I still miss being a part of a family. Seeing happy couples and families on days out and bank holidays still brings tears to my eyes and I think why haven't I been able to achieve that?

Still, there is hope. Good luck!

You're right pinkfrocks. I have to sell my family home as part of my divorce settlement. I have young children and we have been ordered to move. They don't want to but I am trying to present it as a fresh start.

Financially I am way worse off.

To answer your last question, if I had my time over I would 'play safe'.

pinkfrocks I mean life as in: you get up, wake up the kids, have breakfast with your (smaller) family, send them off to school, cook them dinner, go out to the cinema with them. Rather than now being entirely on your own with no-one to talk to once you close the door.

OP you also asked "did it work out well or badly" - one thing I've noticed is that I no longer see my life as "this is how it worked out", like a book with a nice satisfying ending and everyone living happily ever after. Instead I feel like there might be some more unexpected chapters.

Ah, I see! OK.

OP Don't think anyone can answer how much money you need. Depends on if you already own property and how much equity is in that if you split it 50-50. Depends on where you live in the country, how much you'd need for your mortgage or rent, how much you earn.....

Have you ever lived alone- before you married?

Im 57 on friday and my new life started 3 months before I was 55. It was very difficult at first but Im doing really well now and life is good. Im very fortunate in that I have smashing children (and grandchildren) around me who are all willing me on, as well as fabulous family and friends. I honestly didn't know there was so much goodwill out there for me from my extended circle and its been quite a shock.

I have no intention of getting together with anyone else for various reasons with the most important one being - I'm happy the way I am. I like the life I now have.

Financially my life hasn't changed from when I was with my husband and I know in that my situation is very unusual.

I have however started my own business since my separation and Ive surprised myself at being good at it. I'd never worked before, I'd always been a housewife, and I approach my business from that perspective - its just like running a house and family.

Hobbies - Ive taken up Golf, and swapped my (late) handbag sized dog for two huskies that I came across in a doggy rescue centre and when they have me pinned against the wall in their rush to say 'hello' Im in seventh heaven.

You are 50 now and you either have to make your current situation work, or make a new situation.

A big part of me making my move was my children telling me mama if anything happened to you today out lasting memories would be of how unhappy you've been for a few years. They deserved better than that and so did I.

Wee birdie

Love your post

My mum left my dad & started a new life at 50.

She rented, then bought, a studio flat. She had boyfriends. She's 65 soon & still on her own but that's her choice, she's chosen not to try looking for a new boyfriend now.
She hasn't got any female friends, but again that's her choice as she never attempts to make any.

However she has a job, a lovely flat in a warden-assisted block (cheaper to buy than 'ordinary' flats, and she goes out for coffee / goes shopping etc with me & my sister.

Her biggest difficulties are financial. She may have to give up her car when she retires which would be a shame.

If you are planning a new life at 50 I recommend sorting out your finances most of all.

When I was 50-51 and found myself single again, I made the decision to live alone for the rest of my life and not think of another relationship.
So after putting others first and being unhappy, being rejected and losing my identity....plus receiving some disturbing information....I started to live for me. I put my needs, my life and feelings first, but included 2 grown sons and grandsons in my life obviously.

It took some adjusting to, feeling very alone sometimes. Now I'm happier than I've ever been. It suits me down to the ground, and I have such freedom, many interests and always busy with some project or other. With no one to judge, scoff, reject me or generally affect my happiness and peace.

At 49, and very much planning to start a new chapter before I am 50, I very much hope so!

Wow thankyou for answering everybody, what a variety of thought, I'll have another more careful read through.
Our house is up for sale, when it sells I am thinking of separating from my husband. I do love him but I am certain he doesnt love me, he isnt very kind to me, his behaviour has worn me down until I dont recognise myself, this has been going on for years, he works away so I am fairly used to being on my own.

I am not afraid of being on my own for a while and look forward to being single, but not forever. I think thats the point; I do want a relationship with someone as I am a loving person and even though some of my life has passed I feel (or I am sure I could again feel)about 27! I hear horror stories about dating past 50. I'm not sure how I feel about being single forever, I feel I've been single forever already!
I intend to store my stuff and travel on the cheap for a while, then settle somewhere else, not necessarily in the UK? I worry about the financial side of things. At the moment I am miserable all the time and too much of my life is a compromise for him. Actually, miserable isn't the right word, I am deeply unhappy and lonely. I live in a part of the country I hate, I dont have many friends, no dependant children, low-paid, uncertain job. I look into the future I dont like what I see.
Who knows, maybe if this happened he might wake up and we could try to put our marriage back together but in a different way, but I am not desperate to try.

But there is the nagging thought...could it get worse? Be a mistake? Could I fail? Financially it's better if I stay, like most women.
I wish you all well with your lives, and good luck, you all sound brilliant and brave. I know women are amazing and can do brilliant things, but I just dont think I am.

There's actually lots of women in similar situations in some of my meetup.com groups. some are dating again, some are single, all seem very personable and really engaging with Life.

greer once wrote that the image of "monogamous relationship" = lack of loneliness is very oppressive, Mr Right doesn't necessarily meet all ones needs!

Maybe having a big social group (or even a small group of 3-4 very good friends) could be the emotional avenue you take!

On this note, I'd say you might want to consider the option of moving to a big metropolitan space/city for a while and living on the cheap there (like lodge in someone else's house so zero responsibility or rent a studio flat), just so you can meet people, go to galleries and take in culture, and sort of "re-invent" yourself and find your identity for a while with people in similar situations.

don't use the initial break-up phase to take any big decisions, just look at it as a chance to find yourself.

unless you're an experienced traveller it might feel lonely/weird/too disconnected/too much of a big step going round the world?

Radiobedtea; funny you should quote Greer at me, I used to be very feminist and self-assured as a woman, now I'm a doormat and I'm not sure how it happened. I think I definitly need to re-invent myself as I am lost.
Travelling alone doesnt bother me as Ive been doing it myself for years anyway, its been that or staying home, so I go alone now.

I think I need to make new friends but dont really know how.

anyway, thanks for answering.

Re: finances it depends what city you choose but you could bank the house money sensibly then you can live frugally somewhere where you don't even need to run a car (in big cities you can either walk everywhere or public transport is decent).

definitely don't go for London it's far too pricey for accommodation

Given the state of the job market I'd say to anyone to make sure they ALWAYS have some sort of work in the UK to keep some work experience on your CV or its harder to get back in.

but I know mature students/creative types who live fine (as in they dine out, go on day trips, shop at primark and take evening classes in yoga, pay their bills manage to save a bit of money) on 30 hours a week jobs. and if you say work at a supermarket or in an office that can be a great social avenue.

Certainly my experience of city life is that the whole "going out and meeting new people lifestyle" isn't reserved for young students

you won't be earning mega bucks but you won't be depleting your capital.

i think once you've taken the step of "leaving" then the way forward will become clearer at some point. also you could keep posting here for support etc.

ha ha cross post! good luck

Ive taken to solo travelling in a very big way and love it.

Ive been on a few Cruises and have two more booked this year, but Ive also done other off the beaten track holidays on my own and loved it even though there've been days when Ive had to put a huge smile on my face and faked it till Ive made it. LOLOL I still think of what I thought was a two week spa type holiday in Thailand that turned out to be 2 weeks in a hardcore vegan hippy kind of place that didnt even have TV's in the room, the gym was an open air Mai Thai boxing Club, and to go to the beach we went in a pick up truck and had to hold on to each other going round corners. The first night I was there I nipped downstairs to see people and there was no one around. I thought they'd all gone out and left me and I was nearly crying cos I was all alone in a private house in the middle of a plantation. I was so upset and couldn't believe how horrible the others were. So next morning when we were tipped out of bed for out green slimy juice and other slimy stuff we had to drink I asked where everyone had gone the night before and they looked at me and said - we were here. We were all asleep. Well later that day after Bikram? Yoga, 5 rounds of the Mai Thai Gym, marching on the beach, hardly any food, I went to bed at night and the next thing a tiny wee Thai granny appeared out of no-where in my room and gave me a Thai massage that soon had me in the land of nod unconscious with pain.

Two weeks I was there

Never again.

I moved to a busy town that has lots going on. i love living alone and would never share my space again. i have a young boyfriend i see a few times a week, he is 17 years younger and gorgeous. i enjoy my job, have a great social life and because i took a year out to focus on me, look 38 according to others. after coming out of an abusive relationship with norman bates i have finally got the life i want. finances arent great but i can afford to eat well and buy all the shoes i want. no regrets here.