How best to tackle my mother

[Eustasiavye]

Iv'e was never what you would call close to my mother as a child, ever though I am her only child.
I thought we had gotten closer the last couple of years since the breakdown of my marriage. She has been a very good help to me and my dcs and I thank her for that. But she has started to say the most hurtful, thoughtless and often untrue things.

I cannot really but it down to age but think she will only get worse unless I cut her off.

Things came to a head a few months ago when she more or less accused me of neglecting my son because I am an alcoholic, this was at a family even in front of others. Now I may be many things but an alcoholic is not one of them. My son told her she was wrong and my dd1 told her " stop it now granny, you are talking rubbish"

Yesterday she walked into my kitchen, saw 2 half drunken wine bottles and again, called me an alcoholic who neglects her children. The bottles belonged to dd1 and her friends, not one drop had I drank.
I corrected her and waited for apology , instead she accused me of neglecting dd2 because I had slept the night at my partners house. She knows my dd2 is on a school trip!

So after 2 false accusations she then tells me that I don't cook for my dcs. I opened the oven door and presented her with the meal I was preparing for my eldest 2. Next attempt of hers is that I had no bread in the house, bread in opened and da da bread rolls and a wholemeal loaf. Not good enough she says as dd1 likes white tiger bread , not the brown I buy.

I asked her what she would like to accuse me of next and apparently I should know that my partner will never love my kids. Nobody can possibly love step children , nor can step siblings love each other (my dcs don't live with step siblings btw).

Final thing was that as I haven't bought. Dd2 a new phone I won't know if she is safe on her trip and what with the bad winds, the boat she is on will probably capsize. Nice.

What upsets me as well is that when I was a child she never cooked for me, it was always left to other family members and she never collected me from friends houses even when it was pitch black I had to walk home alone, now she is so critical of me.

Sorry this is long, I have told a couple of friends and they say she is talking rubbish and to keep pulling her up on it. Does anyone else have any ideas please.

Sounds as if she feels that she's 'built up credit' (ie obligation) by helping you out in the past and can now ride roughshod over you without comeback.

What was she like when you were younger eg relatively newly married ?

PS

....I asked her what she would like to accuse me of next and apparently I should know that my partner will never love my kids.....

You mean you actually asked her and she actually told you?? That's very strange indeed. Most people would back off temporarily on receiving such a request - or at least attempt to justify their previous comments.

Wow, she's horrible. I would probably strop off like a teenager if my DM talked like that to me.
Keep telling her it's not on and end visits/activities if need be.
Tough for you OP.

I mean it is tough for you, as in sympathies, not as in tough shit.

Hi cozy she was awful towards my ex husband. In general she is very scathing about most people and I have pointed this out to her. She just doesn't answer me. If I ever make a comparison eg she once told me that I should escort ds to football, we lived in a house next the pitch at the time and he was 13 and did not want me going with him, with her making me walk much further regularly in the dark at 8 years old, her response was 'well it was much safer then, you didn't get murderers hanging around'.

I do think you are right about her building up points.

She has told me she won't help me out again, probably for daring to disagree with her.

It is all so very draining and upsetting.

Do you think it might be a guilt thing? She knows she was shit, she sees you doing well & being a good mum so scratches around to find evidence that you aren't? That's what it sounds like to me. No idea what you actually do about it though.

Is this a sudden increase in insulting behavior? Could she be ill do you think?

She seems very similar to a female relation of mine (who I've gone no contact with).

Almost seems like she's talking to a younger version of herself. Like somehow she sees you doing well and she's being critical now of how she parented you years ago.

Except that is too hard to confront in her own mind, so she twists it to a position where she is right and high on a pedestal in her own head. While you and every other right-thinking person is wrong to her.

I've drank a bit of wine, so excuse poor grammar.

Well she has just phoned me all nice as pie. This is her way of appologising without actually saying sorry. I made a point of letting her know that I am cooking tea for my dc.

I have wondered if she is ill but she has always had a side to her that isn't pleasant it just seems to have gotten much worse.

I have asked her to bare in mind the well being of her grandchildren when she slags of myself, their dad and my partner but all to no avail.

It has come to a very stressful point as my partner doesn't want to be around her and I don't blame him one bit.

She invited us round saying that she liked him and wouldn't say anything bad to him but after accusing him of coming to my house to get free internet ( he has Internet at his too) then telling him that he lives in a bedsit ( false) then telling him that he lives in a flat( false again) plus the accusations that I am an alcoholic were all too much for him andhe didn't want to be in her company.

How involved is she in your own and your DCs' life? (And how close to you does she live?) Do you have to have her as omnipresent as it sounds?

Bit of a X post there - nonetheless, what would happen if you didn't invite her round?

PS

.... I made a point of letting her know that.....

Why do you feel the need to justify yourself to her? (Genuine question.)

This seems extremely erratic. Is there a possibility she may be developing Alzheimers?

If she's always been like this to an extent then your best way to tackle her is probably to slide in studs first.

Cozie she borrowed a key off me for convenience. I ended up taking it off her and blocking her way when she tried to come in.
I have told her to check with me before she visits as it is too stressful for me having her sat in my lounge when I come home from work.

My dcs do quite a lot of activities and I asked her not to bother calling on x day as I literally get in from work, have a cuppa, make dcs drinks/ snacks then drive them to their activities which lasts for 3 hours. Guess what? There she was sat on my sofa, following me around the house whilst I try and have 15 mins chill before a 30 minute drive to take the dc. Surely any normal person would not bloody call.

I live about a 10 minute drive but have mentioned that when the dcs leave home I won't have any qualms moving area if my partner wants to.

I felt the need to justify myself because she has accused me of not cooking for my children and basically neglecting them. Basically pointing out to her that she is wrong. Perhaps I should not respond at all to her accusations, I just don't know what to do for the best.

Pocket- if only it were that simple!

I sympathise I have a very difficult mother though she doesn't criticise me so blatantly it's much more snide & in emails to other people etc so I see it's different but what has helped is gradually backing off (confrontation doesn't work with a person like this they will manipulate it all round & you'll end up feeling terrible & guilty) I now see her about twice a month which means there's more to 'chit-chat' about. I'm also very guarded about what I tell her about my life because it gets used against me so I keep info to the bare minimum & generalising is my new art form! My dh also absolutely hates being in her company & I do understand. I think children of mothers like this are so used to their behaviour, I can see that an outsider having to deal with this is very strange & stressful. Good luck!

Just a thought: is your mum on steroids? A couple of years ago my now late mum had to take them, and she became very delusional for a while. Among other things my BIL became not a solicitor (his real job) but a very poor handyman who no-one would employ, and my DH became a pervert!

Yes, don't respond, just laugh, it's ridiculous so ridicule her. Responding might feel better initial response but quietly backing off is a better long term strategy

....I felt the need to justify myself because she has accused me of not cooking for my children and basically neglecting them. Basically pointing out to her that she is wrong. Perhaps I should not respond at all to her accusations, I just don't know what to do for the best.......

No - that's not what I meant. If you know that you're a good mum and partner then you shouldn't need her approval. The fact that you do seem to need it - as in your OP many times - means that she's still got some sort of Indian sign on you.

It's not just the help she gave you when your marriage broke up, I think. Maybe look a little deeper?

She hates to see you happy. She is trying to sabotage that.

Reduce and phase out contact. Don't invite her round, I'd she asks say flat out No, and tell her because she's rude to you and your family and that's that.

Wow! Have you asked yourself why you put up with this?

I would not tolerate anyone speaking to me in such a way let alone my own mother.

Everyone deserves respect.

'If you have nothing nice to say I don't want to hear it'

'Your constant criticising is getting on my nerves'

'Did you mean to sound so rude'

'I can't remember you cooking homemade food every night'

'So we're you a perfect mother then'

'Is this you being kind'

'I've been finding all your comments recently quite hurtful'

'Ok so now you've spent weeks telling me what I've done wrong can you now tell me what I'm doing right'

Keep these phrases in your mind. You need a comeback if you are going to continue tolerating her.

Also don't look to her for validation. You seem like a great mum to me. She won't give you credit.

My Mum started behaving like this prior to developing dementia, although it was always in her nature to be quite mean about others.

Strangely now the dementia is more advanced she is mostly charming.

She has just given up smoking but that is no excuse.

I think katiekatie is right in saying "I think children of mothers like this are so used to their behaviour, I can see that an outsider having to deal with this is very strange & stressful".

Elements of this remind me of my own mother, who says some very inappropriate or offensive things and doesn't see a problem with it. She then denies all knowledge of ever having said them. She has always been like this, and I was cheesed off at myself this morning for not pulling her up on a comment she made in our last phone call where she referred to children as "contraception errors". I am 38.5 weeks pregnant, and was annoyed at myself for not correcting her as my child was very much planned and is very much wanted.

But I know that I would have had a similar experience to Eustasiavye where it doesn't matter if you defend yourself and your situation with the truth. The shit keeps churning out of the mouth.

I wish I had some helpful advice or insight. I've pondered whether she has multiple personality disorder or if she is just a massive bitch. The best thing I have been able to do is make it a game with my other half by making guesses at how long it will take my mum to say something awful. On mother's day, it took 7 minutes. I won, by the way.

My mother pick and chose when to support me. If she could get a story to tell about it, she would.

If not she'd blank me but tell an elaborate tale to all and sundry and be the heroine.

Me being in an abisive marriage made hers look better. So she discouraged my freedom by not acknowledging it in any way shape or form.

I stupidly thought she was doing this as she couldn't bear to see hwr "child" suffer.

Imagine my shock and horror to meet someone I barely knew who told me ALL the sorry ins and outs of my previous 5 years of hell. She made herself out to look as she'd been there for me all the way.

The look on that person's face when I told them that she'd blanked me for 2-3 weeks at a time if I even so much as mentioned I was struggling.
My family knew what was going on, but each and every one of them left me to hang there in a hell few can ever begin to imagine.

My father was the one with the critical remarks growing up. I cba with him these days either.

Calling these people out makes no difference. They are not going to wake up and suddenly realise they've been arseholea ALL their lives. Far easier to carry on kicking their victims.

Reduce contact. It's hard, but is the only way you can protect yourself from the harm that shut does to you AND your family.

Matters not that you are an only child, she's treating you appallingly, you deserve better thank this. Everyone does.