How best to tackle my mother

[Eustasiavye]

Iv'e was never what you would call close to my mother as a child, ever though I am her only child.
I thought we had gotten closer the last couple of years since the breakdown of my marriage. She has been a very good help to me and my dcs and I thank her for that. But she has started to say the most hurtful, thoughtless and often untrue things.

I cannot really but it down to age but think she will only get worse unless I cut her off.

Things came to a head a few months ago when she more or less accused me of neglecting my son because I am an alcoholic, this was at a family even in front of others. Now I may be many things but an alcoholic is not one of them. My son told her she was wrong and my dd1 told her " stop it now granny, you are talking rubbish"

Yesterday she walked into my kitchen, saw 2 half drunken wine bottles and again, called me an alcoholic who neglects her children. The bottles belonged to dd1 and her friends, not one drop had I drank.
I corrected her and waited for apology , instead she accused me of neglecting dd2 because I had slept the night at my partners house. She knows my dd2 is on a school trip!

So after 2 false accusations she then tells me that I don't cook for my dcs. I opened the oven door and presented her with the meal I was preparing for my eldest 2. Next attempt of hers is that I had no bread in the house, bread in opened and da da bread rolls and a wholemeal loaf. Not good enough she says as dd1 likes white tiger bread , not the brown I buy.

I asked her what she would like to accuse me of next and apparently I should know that my partner will never love my kids. Nobody can possibly love step children , nor can step siblings love each other (my dcs don't live with step siblings btw).

Final thing was that as I haven't bought. Dd2 a new phone I won't know if she is safe on her trip and what with the bad winds, the boat she is on will probably capsize. Nice.

What upsets me as well is that when I was a child she never cooked for me, it was always left to other family members and she never collected me from friends houses even when it was pitch black I had to walk home alone, now she is so critical of me.

Sorry this is long, I have told a couple of friends and they say she is talking rubbish and to keep pulling her up on it. Does anyone else have any ideas please.

Thank you for all the replies. I really am surprised that there are so many people with similar situations to mine, I thought most mothers were kind, loving souls!

I have tried reducing contact and as I said telling her not to come whenever she feels like it.
I always wondered if it would have been easier for me if I had siblings so that we could share the burden if that makes sense, as it is I get it all.

She has implied that I am choosing my partner over her which is nonsense but I won't allow her to come between us try as she might.

I don't want to end up like her, which I wonder is that what she wants in some kind of twisted way.

It is very hard as she contacts the kids and asks them if they need anything or want taking anywhere if I don't get in touch.

I have also tried the tactic of not engaging much with her when I see her but the atmosphere is strained. It is awful when you cannot express an opinion with your own mother. When my partner does the same, so that she cannot then rip him to pieces, she gas called him rude for ignoring her!

She has an opinion on everything, and voice s it whether or not it will offend people.

Oh and her latest thing Which came about when I asked her not to over ride me when I say no to my dc she should not then indulge them, was to say ' oh when you have grandchildren you will love them much more that you ever did your own children.' Thanks mother.

Is she having some sort of breakdown? My mum always became much more insulting and controlling when on the verge of a breakdown. Everytime she starts on you, ask her if everything is ok with her. Turn it right back round so she has to think about herself each time. My mum was always bubbling for a fight and would say anything to get it. Resist the temptation to engage in the accusation or the argument and just reply with 'are you alright at the moment?' or 'what's the matter with you today?'

She sounds unhinged. Get your key back or change the lock.

God, I'd move and not tell her.
I was accused of being an alcoholic by my siblings. They live nowhere near me (or her) so were drip fed this by my own toxic DM. I'm not. In any way. One sibling is a pothead and the other drinks so much whisky he pisses in wardrobes. I've distanced myself totally for my own sanity.

My first thought was dementia too.
Sorry you're having such a crap time.

Your boundaries are way too low and your mother has taken full advantage. Why have you put up with such comments at all because you certainly would not have tolerated any of this from a friend. Calling her out on this will not cause her to change, such people do not change.

Have you considered also that your mother may well have some form of long standing and untreated personality disorder?. She is at the very least not emotionally stable, people who are simply do not say the sorts of things your mother has.

Is your Dad still around, if so what does he think?.

It will not do your children any favours at all to see you as their mum being so disrespected the entire time. Toxic parents more often than not make out for being toxic grandparents and I would also think all her help was conditional. She was a neglectful parent to you as a child and is basically not acting too dissimilarly as an adult by having no filter on what she says. She is not a good influence on your children.

It is NOT your fault she is like this; her own family of origin did that lot of damage to her. What do you know about her own childhood?.

I would further reduce all forms of contact with her along with reducing completely all access to your children. Also post on the Stately Homes thread.

Sounds like she resented having to bring you up but having done so, feels its payback time. Doesn't sound like she likes you to be in a relationship (hence the closeness when your marriage broke down) as she has more control/influence when you are single.

My grandmother became very resentful when my mother had a late baby as she had been 'earmarked' as the one to look after her parents in old age. My brother was always clearly the least favourite grandchild and was treated poorly by them. My mother still was the one to look after them though

Maybe you should start saying "I've been doing some research on why you have become so rude and having delusions and I think it may be early onset of dementia and we should book you a doctors appointment"

Say it every time. If that's not what it is, then maybe it will make her think twice before she says or does these things. If that is what it is, then maybe you should go to the GP and get some advice.

It also sounds though that she maybe does realise that you are a good Mum and she might feel guilty that she wasn't as good so may be trying her best to pick at you to make herself feel better about that. You shouldn't need to stand for it though. Especially if she is doing these things and undermining you infront of your dc. That alone would make me give her one clear warning "If you continue to be rude about me or my family or undermine me infront of my children, unfortunately we won't be able to have contact with you anymore." Then act on it.

Oh she sounds awful, I am sorry you are going through this. FWIW I have a mother who is far more subtle but just plays mind games all the time, and I think she is getting worse with age, and sometimes she forgets things she has just said and does really odd things so I am also thinking about dementia.

It is very hard not to bite when they say things intended to upset you. I don't know for sure, but I think ignoring it is possibly a good idea.

This may mean stopping contact or reducing it though which may feel very odd.

first thoguht when you wrote this It is all so very draining and upsetting. was that she's trying to score power points over you in some way, becuase she's sapping you of energy and of enjoyment.

She has implied that I am choosing my partner over her which is nonsense but I won't allow her to come between us try as she might.

This confirms it. The pattern of behaviour is that she is trying to get one over on you in any way she can. She wants to come first and to dominate, extrapolating from what you said.

Is she holding some sort of competition with you?

OP I'm sorry you're having such a bad time from her. You mention your mother has just given up smoking, is she doing it using some drug therapy? I only ask because my brother was completely horrible (rather like how you describe your mother) when he was giving up, and he was taking some medication, which was probably responsible for his complete and utter nastiness. Just a thought...