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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

did I make a massive mistake

37 replies

wibbletoot28 · 31/03/2015 16:37

hi
need some advice on this as im starting to have doubts about what ive done.
I live with my bf with my 2 boys, we've been together just over a year. me an boys moved in about 2 months ago an everything was great until a friend of his who is also an ex of his asked could she stay a night or 2 because of work, I assumed it was just a once off as I knew they were friends but they didn't have much contact besides when she had a drama an needed his help so I said ok. since then she's asked to stay twice more. she is on the fone to him for at least an hour every otherday could be more as hes at work 10hrs a day, sghe is constantly texting messaging and snap chatting him. ive actually looked through his fone which is something i never thought i ewould do an found picsshe had sent him some in her underware asking if he could see àny difference after her work out. i came across one pic and i was baffaled as to what it could be till i read the text under it, it was a piece of wax with her pubes on it an said having a tidy up lol i was gobsmacked. last time she stayed she was full of sly comments and backhanded remarks it felt like she was trying to prove she knew him better than I do. anyway I confronted him about this last night and said I wanted her out of his life that she was a manipulative trouble making attention seeking tramp and I wasn't going to compete for his time with her. big argument followed after this then silent treatment until finally he agreed to tell her she couldn't stay and has to back off he also apologized for hurting my feelings. what im really worried about is he said last night that I was breaking his heart asking him to cut her out and he was going to have to break her heart, I know feel I shouldn't have said anything as hell grow to hate me for making him choose.
sorry its so long an muddled any advice or opinion greatly appreciated

OP posts:

madreloco · 31/03/2015 16:42

I find your post quite hard to understand but I'd have to say you moved in too quickly esp considering you brought children with you, and its not really ok to force people to cut others out of their lives. If you don't like his relationship with this other woman for whatever reason, your choice is to end your relationship.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 31/03/2015 16:45

I think it's ok to say to a partner that the way their ex is behaving is making you uncomfortable and you want him to make it clear to her that she has to stop the inappropriate behaviour

hellsbellsmelons · 31/03/2015 16:46

Sorry but he sounds like a prize cock!
You'd be better off away from him.
After everything he's done and you've put up with, you now feel like you shouldn't have said anything!!
Fuck that.
I can only assume you are either young or very vulnerable.
Please contact Womens Aid and enrol on their 'Freedom Programme'
You need to reset your boundaries and spot red flags far sooner than this.
Please don't stay with this arse he'll be a terrible role model for your boys.

BuzzardBird · 31/03/2015 16:47

I have to say it all sounds like too much hard work for me and not in the slightest bit fun. You two should still be in that honeymoon period and no-one should be able to come between you. The ex is obviously trying to get him back, I would leave them to it.

Don't move in with someone else in such a short time scale, your kids will be affected.

Quitelikely · 31/03/2015 16:48

Whaaaat!

Your breaking his heart by asking him to cut contact!

This is outrageous. I feel sorry for you that you have given up your home to live with this man. Your children's home.

I don't think he sounds promising.

Sorry I can't be more positive. You deserve more.

scallopsrgreat · 31/03/2015 16:48

Nope you didn't make a mistake. He is showing you his priorities. He is also taking the piss.

Original poster

wibbletoot28 · 31/03/2015 16:55

thanks for replys
I know it was very quick to move in but it was a financial decision.
I just felt like she had no boundries and no respect for me as his gf. she's only 22, im 30 an my bf is 37.
tbh I was completely prepared to end the rrelationship if he didn't get her out of our lives. im usually so easy going an it takes an awful lot to rile me but this girl just pushed all the wrong buttons commenting on my apperance making comments regarding my dc's fathers etc that I finally blew up and said me or her!!

I suppose my real problem is I'd hate to loose what is otherwise an amazing relationship ocer a manipulative girl

OP posts:

Heels99 · 31/03/2015 16:56

You moved your kids in in ten months into a relationship?!
Move out, ditch the boyfriend and take the advice above to break these poor relationship habits

Heels99 · 31/03/2015 16:57

He is in the phone to her for at least an hour a day? How is this an amazing relationship, it's not, it's a shit relationship. Wake up.

RubbishMantra · 31/03/2015 17:02

I would be pissed off if another woman was sending my DH photos of herself in lingerie. Fucking furious in fact.

Then all his whining about their respective hearts being broken?

Ask yourself, do you think this is acceptable?

Original poster

wibbletoot28 · 31/03/2015 17:02

sorry should have explained better I know him with about 4 years and I havnt been silly enough to give up my home ive just rented it out to my brother.

actually reading over this comment and your replys ive realised I have made a mistake just not the one I thought I had.
amazing what a few opinions of strangers can clear ur head an make u see straight for first time in weeks.
thank you all

OP posts:

AlternativeTentacles · 31/03/2015 17:03

He made a choice and that was to live with you. If he doesn't like that choice then at least be adult about it and tell you.

magoria · 31/03/2015 17:10

Pack your bags and go home.

He is on the phone to her an hour a day. They have established a relationship where it is acceptable to send/receive these pictures.

He allows her to dig at you in what is supposed to be your home. It break both their hearts for him to put his partner first.

He gives you the silent treatment when caught out.

He has no respect for you or your relationship.

Original poster

wibbletoot28 · 31/03/2015 17:12

thanks all

I feel ridiculous now that I even posted this. im usually such a strong person and in complete control of my thoughts and actions.

if I had of read this post I would be shaking my head saying silly girl, leave now.

OP posts:

Heels99 · 31/03/2015 17:27

Good, pack up and get back to your own home. Well done for realising and getting out Be very careful what you expose your kids to next time, they need stability not a complete arse for a stepdad.

spence82 · 31/03/2015 17:27

Those pictures are not OK at all. I would seriously reconsider your relationship with him

Mostlyjustaluker · 31/03/2015 17:39

Yes you made a mistake to move children in with a man you only meet 10 months ago.

I think the issue is more the way he is behaving as he is the one that in the relationship with not his ex. Clearly you are unhappy and unable to talk to him about it sensibly and can't trust him, hence checking his phone. I could not have a relationship with somebody I could not talk to about issues we are having.

Original poster

wibbletoot28 · 31/03/2015 18:10

rang my brother told him im coming back but he can stay on aslong as he needs to

kids are with their dads for the hols so no unnessasary upsetting them tonight. only hope they wont be too affected by it as they are only 2and 3.

I must have unconciously known it wasn't going to work as its only taken 10 mins to pack our stuff an load the car.
going to drop all this home then come back and speak to what I suppose is now my ex bf.

if im honest the kids will be happier in their own home and ive had heartbreak before and got over it.

next time ill wait a lot lot lot longer to see if hes prince charming and not just a frog in armour.

thank u all for ur honest and blunt replies and opening my eyes to the real problem, guess sometimes it is easier hearing things from a stranger. thank you.

OP posts:

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 31/03/2015 18:11

he said last night that I was breaking his heart asking him to cut her out and he was going to have to break her heart

Broken hearts galore but she's supposed to be his ex. He must enjoy the attention. Glad you see things clearly now.

Thank goodness you didn't get rid of your home!

AlternativeTentacles · 31/03/2015 18:32

Good on you wibble. Good luck.

Whiteandbrownrabbit · 31/03/2015 19:09

she's his ex and she's 22 and he is 37

well done for leaving best of luck for the future

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 31/03/2015 19:30

You won't be losing this relationship over a manipulative woman, but over a spineless boyfriend who is still entangled with his ex. He's not over her and he's taking you for a mug.

springydaffs · 31/03/2015 23:32

Bloody hell!! I'm speechless

She can have him. They deserve each other.

(Well done for moving quickly on this)

zippey · 01/04/2015 06:59

I think you have made the right decision too.

Fadingmemory · 01/04/2015 07:12

Best of luck Wibble - I am enjoying the image of a frog in armour. I am sure you are doing the right thing. Be strong and concentrate on making a happy life for your children - better that than living with a man who uses you and is encouraging sexual behaviour in an ex who clearly wants him back.

Can your brother continue to rent a room from you to help with money and provide companionship and support?

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