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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Stalky ex girlfriend

33 replies

RebelRobin · 31/03/2015 12:47

I have to attend an event where my DP ex girlfriend is going to be there. She still sends 'loving messages' to him. He has told her he is with me, and she says she wants to meet me so we can all be friends!!! He answers some of her messages telling her to leave him alone and I have told him to ignore and not answer, but sometimes he does as he is too nice.

What can I say to her?? Should I 'put up a fight' - not literally, but I do not want her to win! Im a bit weak when it comes to telling people what to do and how I feel

OP posts:
tribpot · 31/03/2015 12:49

It has nothing to do with you. If you want your DP to stop messaging his ex and he won't, you need to take that up with him, not her. Maybe she actually does want you all to be friends? You may not want to, but that's your choice.

TheWhiteRoad · 31/03/2015 12:50

Why would you say anything to her? She is nothing to do with you. If she is indeed stalking your DP then this is something he must deal with himself.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2015 12:52

If you come face to face with her, smile nicely, say hello and treat her a bit like your DP's elderly auntie or kid sister - you'll be polite to her but you're not that interested in her. A little mild condescension would be quite good as well, but keep the conversation short.

And try to be understanding of your DP - it's difficult for a man to admit that he is being stalked and harassed by a woman even when that's exactly what happening. It's difficult for anyone to deal with a harassing XP when the harassment is not blatantly hostile because so many people seem to think that you should 'be nice' to someone who is pursuing you, or refusing to accept being dumped, unless that person is actually aggressive.But there may come a time when he needs to have this woman formally warned off by the police.

Totality22 · 31/03/2015 13:22

How long have you been with your DP?

How long was he with his Ex?

Do they have kids?

How does she contact him?

Why does he reply at all?

Original poster
RebelRobin · 31/03/2015 14:14

I have been with him for 6 months, he wasn't with her long - a couple of months maybe. She wore him down so he went out with her. She wont stop messaging him and if he only answers just one text it takes off again! I have told him not to answer them. Im really worried I may tell him what to do too many times, abducted he dumps me for being assertive. Im so sad with it all

OP posts:
Original poster
RebelRobin · 31/03/2015 14:19

*and then - not abducted!

OP posts:
BuzzardBird · 31/03/2015 14:22

What do you think she is going to win? Him back?

I am sorry but he knows if he answers her occassionally it will be enough for her to keep contacting him. He wants contact IMO.

Only1scoop · 31/03/2015 14:23

Aww poor lamb isn't he....she wore him down so he went out with herConfused

It's nothing to do with you he encourages contact by replying.

Maybe suggest he grows a pair

pocketsaviour · 31/03/2015 14:23

Im really worried I may tell him what to do too many times, [and then] he dumps me for being assertive. Im so sad with it all

Would it really be the end of the world if you did split up? You're 6 months in and he won't stop encouraging someone who is clearly still romantically/sexually interested in him. Even if he's doing this because he's "too nice" (as opposed to he enjoys the ego boost) then that makes him seem pretty wishy-washy to me. I can't be doing with someone who won't stand up for themselves and our relationship.

BisleyBoy · 31/03/2015 14:24

You're worried he'll dump you for being assertive? That's one of the saddest things I've ever heard Sad

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2015 14:24

Hmm. It is, actually, up to him to decide to act rather than you to order him not to respond to this woman. I appreciate that (as I said upthread) he may be hoping that she will get bored and move on to someone else, rather than him having to make an official complaint and (in his eyes) portray himself as a victim of an aggressive woman ie a wimp.
However, there could be other stuff going on here. You've only been with him six months, which isn't very long. There are men who like to portray themselves as so wonderfully irresistable that none of their XPs can get over them or leave them alone. These men create a lot of drama around XPs for the purpose of feeding their own egos and keeping a current girlfriend on her toes -'I'm so special that you will have to make a lot of effort to keep me. You don't want to end up like my desperate crazy XP, do you?'
FOr the moment my best advice to you is to not be bothered about all this. Focus on how your DP treats you generally. Your relationship should be about the good times you have together, not obsessing about this woman - treat her a bit like a gnat in the room which will go away if ignored. And if she is an abusive stalker and begins to escalate, then support your DP in involving the police if necessary, b ut hopefully it won't get that far.

lottieandmias · 31/03/2015 14:26

The problem is him - if he keeps replying to her then he is giving her the message that he's happy to be in contact. I never understand women who have an attitude like the OP over 'winning' a man. If he did go back to her then nothing you say or do will make any difference. People have their own minds about this sort of thing.

GoGiYerHeedAWobble · 31/03/2015 14:27

He went out with her because he wanted to not because she 'wore him down'. He replies to the texts because he enjoys the attention. He tells you about the texts and how she wants to meet you because he likes you being jealous.

You worrying about him dumping you for being assertive is all shades of wrong.

lottieandmias · 31/03/2015 14:28

People don't have relationships with others because they've worn them down - anyone who thinks that is kidding themselves.

Original poster
RebelRobin · 31/03/2015 14:35

I believe she wore him down. He has not said this, im assuming it. I just want to know the words to say to come across as assertive but not demanding like her. Im really struggling with it. Being direct is not my strong point

OP posts:
pocketsaviour · 31/03/2015 14:38

I just want to know the words to say to come across as assertive but not demanding like her.

How about "Here's your toothbrush back, good luck, so long."

TheJiminyConjecture · 31/03/2015 14:42

DH had something similar when we were first together. It was slightly different in that they'd been split up 3 years before we'd met (& both had relationships since) and she has significant mh issues. Which had manifested itself into obsessing over ex partners previously - usually when drinking.

DH tried to ignore it initially but as it escalated confessed that he didn't know what to do for the best. Long story short, he sent her one message to say that her contact was not appropriate. He then changed his number, re blocked her on all social media and instructed his old house mate not to reveal any information about where he was now living. (She used to turn up and wait outside his flat despite living hours away).

The difference between DH and your Dp seems to be that your partner is encouraging her. Or at least is keeping her dangling. I know that DH has not responded to anything that she has done since he sent the original message. And she has been very persistent in her attempts to upset him/break us up.

AuntieDee · 31/03/2015 14:53

I am just about to start a thread very similar to this but a lot more twisted :( it's so bloody Jeremy Kyle but it's hard to stay reasonable when the other person is being unreasonable.

One thing - don't bite! I learned my lesson from that one. Everything you say to 'defend' your position will be twisted so you look like you are paranoid even when you aren't. And there is nothing you can do to convince anyone otherwise without looking even worse.

What you need to do is just be nice to her. This is all I have done - and I have given her just enough time and rope to hang herself. Let her be the bad one, you don't need to do anything...

Actually I've changed my mind - people don't seem to be very kind on here and no doubt I will be slated too (or told to LTB). PM me if you want any moral support xx

Hissy · 31/03/2015 15:17

www.wikihow.com/Deal-With-Stalkers

www.healthyplace.com/personality-disorders/malignant-self-love/coping-with-various-types-of-stalkers/

If a stalker calls you 200 times and you only answer on the 201st, this doesnt mean the stalker will ever get the hint. No.

this will teach them that for you to react THEY NEED TO CALL AT LEAST 201 TIMES

Your BF needs to block her, by all means possible, and talk to 101 if that doesn't resolve it. no contact, ever. not to tell her to leave him alone, not to be angry, no contact EVER!

Hissy · 31/03/2015 15:18

If he does not take this action, you need to walk. you could be in danger here and he is not taking this seriously.

Hissy · 31/03/2015 15:20

At the event, he needs to either avoid her, make excuses and be elsewhere, or he needs to inform her that he is not interested in maintaining contact with her as it's not appropriate nor something he wants.

TheJiminyConjecture · 31/03/2015 15:25

I will add we were advised to send a clear message to say that the contact was unwanted. This was so that if we did have to involve the police there was no way she could claim to not know it was distressing and clearly showed her ignoring his wishes.

Original poster
RebelRobin · 31/03/2015 19:14

I know - I'm completely over reacting!

OP posts:
EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 31/03/2015 19:51

She's not stalking him Confused and she doesn't sound crazy. How can you assume she "wore him down" when he's never even said that? No! He chose to go out with her and he chooses to keep in touch with her. You have no idea what he says to her outside of what he chooses to show you.
Come on, stop being a mug, set some boundaries. If you really want this man then he goes no contact or you leave. Stop pissing about.

SolidGoldBrass · 31/03/2015 22:03

Do you have any other reasons for getting your undies in a bundle over this? Have you had previous boyfriends who had affairs? Or were you taught that the main business of a woman's life is competing with other women for the prize of 'keeping' a man? Or is this man already doing things that make you feel twitchy and insecure?

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