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Original poster

stbx doesn't want the children. legal advice?

46 replies

PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 08:28

I've name changed for this but am a regular. Hopefully it's in the right place too...it could be long, here goes...

My ex, the father of my 3 dc, has admitted he would like to shake his responsibility of our children.

4 years ago, he left us. He hasn't seen his children since or contacted us at all. There's been absolutely no occasion where he's asked after their welfare, given money, gifts etc.

My children call my DH dad and he treats them as if they were his own.

It's taken the csa all this time to find my ex, we had no address or employment info, they found him working and made an attachment to his earnings for maintenance. However, he quit his job and isn't claiming benefit so he no longer has to pay me.

Recently, I've come back into contact with his brother. Bit weird. Let's call him Dave. Dave has told me that he's asked ex why he doesn't step up with his children. Ex said that he wants a quiet life and doesn't want anything to do with them. Dave said why don't you hand them over to someone who actually cares then (meaning dh) and ex said if she gets the csa off my back then I will.

I'm stunned by the admission. I knew he didn't want them but now I've heard it from the horses mouth so to speak, I feel I need to act on it.

I know that I need to contact a solicitor.
But legally what can be done? My DH would love nothing more than to have responsibility over the children. He adores them. We've never sought court action against ex before because we thought he would fight us but now he's admitted it, I wondered if it can be done without a long, drawn out and complicated process?

Any advice or experience would be great.

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 31/03/2015 08:30

What a twat.

Could lovely new DH adopt them?

AnotherGirlsParadise · 31/03/2015 08:31

If your DH went through the adoption process, your ex just has to give official permission for it to go ahead. This absolves him of any parental responsibility, including paying maintenance. If he genuinely wouldn't fight you, it should be a fairly smooth process. Good luck!

Original poster
PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 08:32

As far as I know it's a really complicated process involving cafcass and social services and multiple court dates. At the moment, I don't think my dc would cope very well with all that. They're sensitive little souls. Especially my eldest who even though he was only 3 when ex left, does have some vague memories of what went on.

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 31/03/2015 08:32

What a total arse your ex is Angry
Your dh can adopt your children without much complication if your ex consents willingly.
Your dh sounds a million times the man your ex is.

Original poster
PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 08:33

Does anyone have experience of the adoption proces? I don't know much about it. The little bit I do know I've been told by a friend who said it wasn't worth it Sad

OP posts:
fattymcChocolateEgg · 31/03/2015 08:33

yes twat springs to.mind.
my cousin was adopted by his mums husband. could that be an option? if your ex agrees I don't see the problem

Mama1980 · 31/03/2015 08:34

Yes my eldest dd and youngest are adopted my youngest with bm consent. But my situation is pretty unique, come on over to the adoption boards there are posters on there I know with experience who can offer better advice.

Original poster
PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 08:35

It would 100% be an option and would make both dh and me so happy. I just need advice on it really.

OP posts:
Original poster
PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 08:36

Thank you mama. I will do that. Shall I repost my thread there?

OP posts:
Mama1980 · 31/03/2015 08:39

Yes I would. Smile
Fwiw with consent the process with my youngest was remarkably smooth.

2boys2girls · 31/03/2015 08:40

Could you just change their names ATM? A family member did this with xh consent so all had same name, they didn't go down the adoption route though so sorry not much help .

Hope all works out though x

Mutley77 · 31/03/2015 08:41

It's very straightforward (or certainly was up until two years ago - so unless it has changed...). You and your DH will need to meet a social worker a few times just to discuss the implications, and how things are for the children. The social worker will also want to meet your children. There will be an expectation that you are honest with your children about their birth father, but other than that it's not complicated at all. Especially as your ex is in agreement. Even if he wasn't it doesn't sound like he'd have much of a leg to stand on in contesting the adoption so I wouldn't worry about it. There will be a fee but I don't think it's much. Contact your local authority's adoption dept for a chat. I would also contact your ex (by email?) just to check he would be on board. The social worker will need to speak to your ex so any contact details you have will be useful as if they can't find him it will delay things a little.

Firsttheyignoreyou · 31/03/2015 08:46

OK - we, as a family have been through this. "D"B walks out on his kids; lovely SIL finds a new partner; they marry; he adopts my nephew and niece - we - my Mum, me and my other brother go as references. Social services speak to us all on the 'phone. It was relatively straightforward - "D"B relinquished all rights for very similar reasons - he is a git and damaging.

Adoption best thing ever. I now have a B-i-L and S-i-L. I think they went to court but they treated the day as a celebration - and we all marked it because the kids got a new surname.

Go for it. I know it gave my niece and nephew stability, a proper Dad, and was a positive in their lives.

violetwellies · 31/03/2015 08:52

Oh First, that made me a bit teary, and that very rarely happens.

Original poster
PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 09:16

2boys - I changed their names without ex's consent when I married dh. I wanted us all to be on the same page with surnames. There was no problem changing as I had no means of contacting ex. Never have had.

Muttley - thank you. At least knowing some of the process makes it easier. As to the honesty of the whole thing...My 4 year has no memory of ex. At all. She thinks that dh is her daddy. I'm pretty sure my other dd who's 6, also doesn't remember him, she was 2 when he left. My DS may have some vague memory but he was only 3 at the time. I feel like it would be really damaging for them at the moment to know dh isn't their dad.
Also, I have no way to contact him even by email. The only contact I could hope to have is through his brother.

first - thank you, what a sweet story. I'm glad it worked out for your family. It's given me reassurance.

OP posts:
Mutley77 · 31/03/2015 09:50

I can see why you've left them not knowing about their birth father but they will really need to know at some point in the future - it's part of who they are and it genuinely is much easier for them to just grow up knowing (they probably won't be in the least bit phazed by it although the 6yo might be temporarily upset/confused if she thinks you had previously withheld the info). If you have to disclose the info at a certain point in the future - or, worse, they find out some other way, it is much more difficult to deal with. That is probably your biggest issue in terms of your DH adopting the children as the social worker will want to make sure they have an age appropriate understanding.

The social worker will contact your ex through his brother. It is part of the court process that significant effort has to be made to contact him so it's quicker if you have some leads otherwise they have to put ads in local press etc asking him to contact them.

Good luck, it sounds like it would be a great option for your DC.

Original poster
PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 10:11

I know I would need to tell them eventually. Dh and I have already discussed how we would broach the subject with them. I wouldn't care to go into too much detail with them, just be basic and tell them that their biological father wasn't a good dad, he couldn't love them but daddy (dh) wanted them so much that it didn't matter that they weren't his. Does that make sense?

Ok, I will approach his brother with caution. He's told me this but I'm a bit unsure of how much involvement he wants especially with court cases etc.

Thank you for the advice and hand holding.

OP posts:
cailindana · 31/03/2015 10:27

I don't have any advice on the adoption front but I think you need to talk to your children ASAP about the situation with their bio father and your DH. It's absolutely awful that they don't know something so basic about their own lives and, while I get that it must be a really hard topic to discuss, there is no excuse really for you to keep such important information from them. Upsetting as it might be for them to learn the truth now, imagine how awful it would be for them later on. If you'd let them know the truth right from the start there would be no need for a big bombshell discussion, they would just accept the situation. It's absolutely wonderful that your lovely DH has accepted them as his own children and it would be awful if they feel that's tainted by the fact that you've misled them about who he is.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 31/03/2015 10:36

He doesn't really have any rights apart from PR and you can get this taken away from him. He's likely to be doing this so that you can't chase him for maintenance, leaving him 'free' to find whatever job he pleases. He doesn't have to see them if he chooses not too, which the dickhead is doing already, and he doesn't have to play any part in their lives other than financially so I can't see what else his (pathetic) reason could be. If it were me, I wouldn't agree and I'd get the CSA to hound him until the end of time. They have a loving father already, although not genetic, and their biological father should be contributing rather than washing his hands of them.

He sounds like an absolute bell end by the way.

sakura · 31/03/2015 10:38

Why does your DH need to adopt them? I'm just curious, really. Why can't you be the one with sole responsibility and decision making power? What if, in the future, you and your DH disagree on something important? Won't the fact that he has adopted them mean he can override you?

Or is there some financial aspect that I am missing here? Will your current family be better off financially in some way if your DH adopts? I guess you can hold him responsible for the children financially, I suppose!

Your ex is an arse, but I guess I didn't think adoption was a way of severing the child's ties with relatives, I just thought adoption was something that you did to stop a child being an orphan or abused.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 31/03/2015 10:43

A lot of step parents adopt their step children, sakura. It offers the child security and relinquishes parental obligations from the NRP. Legally, that child becomes the child of the adoptive parent and the NRP no longer has to pay maintenance as that child is no longer their responsibility. Parental rights are withdrawn. In the OP's case, the NRP isn't interested in his parental rights, it just seems as though he's just trying to avoid paying maintenance.

Original poster
PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 10:45

cailindana I didn't come here to be told I've misled my own children. There are excuses as to why I've not told them too much. What's absolutely awful is their father being terribly abusive to them and me. What's awful is his absolute disregard for them! They are young and if they only see the love and commitment they need from my DH at present they so be it.

ladysybil thank you for the support. He does have pr. Sadly. If he doesn't want it, I'm more than happy to take it because it would break my heart and disturb the dc terribly if he was to suddenly exercise his pr in the future.

OP posts:
Original poster
PipsPotatoes · 31/03/2015 10:47

sakura if my DH adopts them, he will be their father and all my ex's rights will be revoked (for want of a better word)
My DH would be able to make decisions for them of something was to happen to me. Their care is what I care about. It's not a financial thing.

OP posts:
Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 31/03/2015 10:49

sakura and what if something happens to the OP? Then her DH, who had been these children's father for however many years, could be in the position of having to see them taken into the care system because he doesn't have PR.

And what about wanting the security and comfort of knowing that they are legally a family. As you can see from the thread, adopting a child that you are already parenting isn't that unusual.

LadySybilLikesSloeGin · 31/03/2015 10:50

You don't tell your children things about the NRP which would upset them or turn them against them at all, so you've done the right thing Pips. There's a hell of a lot that I've kept from my son (his father's an arsehole too), he doesn't need to know things.

I'd see a solicitor about removing his PR, this has nothing to do with maintenance. PR is basically a right to have a say in your child's education, medical care etc so it may be worth doing. Maintenance wise, he still has to pay as he's still their legal parent. If he's pissed off living off nothing then he finds a job. If the CSA deduct money from this for your children then that's what happens. He made them, he doesn't have to see them but he should contribute to them financially.