stbx doesn't want the children. legal advice?

[PipsPotatoes]

I've name changed for this but am a regular. Hopefully it's in the right place too...it could be long, here goes...

My ex, the father of my 3 dc, has admitted he would like to shake his responsibility of our children.

4 years ago, he left us. He hasn't seen his children since or contacted us at all. There's been absolutely no occasion where he's asked after their welfare, given money, gifts etc.

My children call my DH dad and he treats them as if they were his own.

It's taken the csa all this time to find my ex, we had no address or employment info, they found him working and made an attachment to his earnings for maintenance. However, he quit his job and isn't claiming benefit so he no longer has to pay me.

Recently, I've come back into contact with his brother. Bit weird. Let's call him Dave. Dave has told me that he's asked ex why he doesn't step up with his children. Ex said that he wants a quiet life and doesn't want anything to do with them. Dave said why don't you hand them over to someone who actually cares then (meaning dh) and ex said if she gets the csa off my back then I will.

I'm stunned by the admission. I knew he didn't want them but now I've heard it from the horses mouth so to speak, I feel I need to act on it.

I know that I need to contact a solicitor.
But legally what can be done? My DH would love nothing more than to have responsibility over the children. He adores them. We've never sought court action against ex before because we thought he would fight us but now he's admitted it, I wondered if it can be done without a long, drawn out and complicated process?

Any advice or experience would be great.

Thank you ladysybil I'm only too aware that I need to tell them about him especially if my DH adopts them as I've been told upthread but I've been doing everything I can to protect their feelings for 4 bloody years! I feel terrible to think that people think I've misled them and that I've denied them basic right. This situation is not so black and white.

Honestly, I couldn't give a jot about the maintenance. I've had nothing from him in all this time. Absolutely nothing. Dh and I have provided everything that they need.

The situation is pretty black and white. Children diserve to know who their parents are. Maybe the adoption board can advise you how to do this in an age appropriate way. Good luck getting PR for your DH.

Do what's right for your family. If adopting is the way to go then you can do this. It is possible to shield your children from the truth, something along the lines that DH loves them so much he wants it official that he's their daddy. The NRP doesn't need to come into things at all. It's rather hurtful for a child to know that they are unwanted and it does have lasting effects on their self esteem and mental health. Ds's father is pretty much like your ex, I'm sad to say. Ds has times where he feels like he's a burden and not wanted and it's heartbreaking. I didn't tell him anything negative about his father, he's worked it out himself

Does your DH want to be their father? You say he wants responsibility? My parents are divorced, but my (adoptive) father is, of course, still absolutely my dad, because while I came into his life with my mum, we have our own relationship which is entirely separate from theirs. A proper father-daughter relationship. Would your DH maintain that kind of relationship with your DC were you to split up?

And I'm afraid I do agree that your DC would be better off knowing how things really are with respect to your DH. I have always known. I remember the celebratory lunch when the adoption was finalised. It is a happy memory of something that made formal something I lived informally (my dad being my dad).

He does want to be their father and he would absolutely maintain a relationship with them if we were no longer together. We have a dd together as well so he wouldn't want to split them as siblings, they are all very close.

I understand that they need to know about it. I'm not trying to get out of telling them. But they are sensitive. I feel it would affect their self esteem to know that he left them without looking back at all. My DS for example is 7 and although he was only 3 at the time, I can see from his behaviour sometimes that he knows. He's desperate to please DH all the time, he gets worried if he's working late or he goes out for any length of time. He has separation issues.

I agree with you ladysybil that the DH loves them so much he wants to be their real daddy story would be good. I'm just not sure how much detail they need about ex.

I'm in a similar position to you. My DS from a previous relationship is now 4yo, and my DP has been a father figure to him since he was 16 months old. DS has no recollection of his violent, emotionally abusive, layabout dickhead of a bio father, and I wish with all my might that I could keep it that way. I know that I can't.

DP wants to adopt DS once we're married. He's an amazing father to him and there's nothing he wouldn't do for him. He's the man who holds him when he's hurt, soothes him when he's poorly, and cheers him on in every milestone and achievement. He may not be his bio father, but he's Daddy.

I couldn't give a hoot about the maintenance either - Bastard Ex pays CSA minimum, as he works for his brother who happily lied to the CSA about the true amount BEx is paid, and it's through attachment of earnings as BEx resents paying for DS. I'd rather go without the money and have BEx's PR removed.

It's going to be a battle though, as BEx is still hellbent on hurting me in any way he can. He couldn't be arsed to fight for contact, he's just happy slagging me off to everyone saying I'm 'denying him his rights'. I'm sure I'm not the only mother here in this position!

The NRP doesn't need to come into things at all. It's rather hurtful for a child to know that they are unwanted and it does have lasting effects on their self esteem and mental health.

LadySybil, thank you for this. I don't see how telling DCs that their bio parent didn't want them could possibly be a positive thing. I know I'll get a pasting for saying that, but that's the way I feel. I'd rather my DS knew he was unconditionally loved by my DP, not unwanted by the 'man' who fathered him.

No, you're not the only one. I get slagged off for keeping ds away from his father. His father doesn't get that you have to actually make an effort to see or contact your child

I wish my ex had the guts to admit that. He hasn't bothered to call since Christmas, never visits and only sees my dd if I take her to him after organising it with his mother. Don't even talk to me about money, he's unable to consider she needs maintaining. I wish he would just disappear. His only contact is when someone else organises it, so clearly couldn't give a shit. My dd is at some point going to have to deal with him being a blatant areshole at some point when she's old enough to understand it and I fear that day.

So, it will save you a lot of time and bother to now just cut him out of your lives. I envy you to a certain extent (although I understand how sad it must feel). Tell your children he is mentally ill so they don't blame themselves, if they ask about him. Otherwise, you can now crack on with your life without having to think about him ever again.

another I'm sorry you're wee boy is in the same situation as my dc with regard to idiot ex, we're very fortunate that we've met fantastic men who truly want our children.

It's just so difficult to know how to and much to tell them isn't it? No mum wants to hurt her own child's feelings with information like that. And when they have no recollection of him. He wasn't even there when my 4 year old was born. If she saw a picture, she wouldn't know who he was.

I hope it works out for you, I really do.

Thank you all.

I'm in tears at your words of encouragement.

Pips, the same goes to you The DC are just so innocent in all this, aren't they? They just want to be loved, and I don't ever want mine to know that his bio father never loved him enough to be Daddy to him.

If I'm perfectly honest, I never want him to find out that DP isn't his bio father. And if he DID ever find out, I hope he'd be able to forgive me for shielding him from the awful truth, that all I ever wanted to do was protect him and raise him knowing he was truly loved by the only Daddy he's ever known.

Feel free to message me if you ever need a bit of support x

I was adopted by my mums dh after my bio wasn't interested. I was 2 at the time of adoption and didn't know anything about it, my mum told me about it when I was 12. It didn't phase me in the slightest so don't worry about having to explain things to your children just yet they're far too young to understand and don't need that information. Good luck with it all.

Notfastjustfurious, that's encouraging Do you think you were unfazed, because you grew up knowing you were always loved by your adoptive father?

Thank you another they are so innocent it's heartbreaking. I completely sympathise with everything you said. I really need to get legal advice over this and find out how much they need to know.

notfast as another says that is encouraging, thank you for sharing.

My Bio father left DM when she was pregnant, she met someone else when i was 2. When they married I was adopted by him,

I'm glad of this, I was always aware that he had stepped in to be daddy when my bio dad left mum. and I was glad to know this, it [prevented me doing the whole lets try and find him malarkey when I was older - if he left her like that then why should I want a relationship with him?!

As it stands he passed away when i was about 19 - and I don't regret never trying to find him if i'm honest, personal opinion is I wouldn't need a man like that in my life when someone who had been willing to adopt and take on another mans child and bring me up was there (mum and adoptive dad are split now - but will always know him as dad)

I really think they need to be told at some point.

It is information that they may need as an adult - medical reasons for example.

But also what it they need their birth certificate? Or how about if they get into family history - it is so easy now to search for this information online.

I wouldn't care to go into too much detail with them, just be basic and tell them that their biological father wasn't a good dad, he couldn't love them but daddy (dh) wanted them so much that it didn't matter that they weren't his. Does that make sense?
Absolutely - that sounds pretty much perfect - as basic as possible without missing the point of the story. As the children can cope with more info they will ask you and you can share in an age appropriate way.

I understand that they need to know about it. I'm not trying to get out of telling them. But they are sensitive. I feel it would affect their self esteem to know that he left them without looking back at all. My DS for example is 7 and although he was only 3 at the time, I can see from his behaviour sometimes that he knows. He's desperate to please DH all the time, he gets worried if he's working late or he goes out for any length of time. He has separation issues.
I think, therefore, being open with your DS would really help. He would begin to understand in the way you explain that none of this was his fault and that you both (you and your DH) love him unequivocally. By not voicing what you are pretty sure he is aware of makes it like some secret that someone needs to be ashamed of - and children can often add 2 + 2 to make 5, believing that they are the cause of all of it. While extremely well-intentioned on your part, by not bringing up the subject of a dad who left him, it may make your DS feel that he should not bring it up either and all those questions and fears go unanswered.

I think you would be fine with what you plan to share and honestly, the sooner the better. I personally would probably as a starting point take the oldest out one on one and make a fuss of him, ask if he remembers anything about when you used to live with your ex, and take it from there. If he says no I wouldn't be deterred, but you can go on and say that you used to live with a man who wasn't very kind and then you moved on - probably don't even mention the word dad to start with. Just talk about that and discuss any memories he might have and make that an open topic of conversation, then (probably in a later discussion) you can bring in the whole "some people have two mums or two dads and explain the difference - i.e. biology vs nurture", then he will probably twig and ask you about it but if not you can say that he has two dads but one isn't really what most people think of as a dad. Does he have friends with different family set ups eg step parents, separated parents, widowed parents?? Or are any grandparents separated and remarried - often easier to work from a starting point of what he knows.

You sounds like a lovely mum - good luck with it all.

Adoption by DH sounds like the right thing to do.

It's also an opportunity to explain things to your children. I can understand how it's not exactly been avoided, but not exactly cropped up in conversation either, but they do need to know DH isn't their biological father.

You could do the whole birds and bees talk and explain that a man called X provided the sperm to help make them, so is their 'father', wasn't able to be their Daddy as well. DH is their Daddy instead because he is the one who loves them. The adoption is to make sure everyone knows DH is their real Daddy, and no-one gets muddled up thinking X is their daddy.

Thank you both so much.

mutley he does have friends in different setups. One of my dearest friends is a lesbian with a partner but her son knows his bio dad really well, it wasn't the same situation as mine.
I'm probably not giving them as much credit as they deserve with 'knowing'. I'm sure they probably do know, but it's just unspoken. The name change was fairly recent. They knew they had a different surname to dh, they also know that his parents are not their real grandparents even though they call them nanny and grandpa.
It hasn't all meant to be a secret, it's just that its not avoided or unavoided.

On the whole this thread has been really supportive and reassuring. Thank you.

Yes, getting your H to adopt them is the best way forward - but yes, you do need to tell them that they have a bio-father, and you need to start now. When children grow up knowing the truth about themselves (in an age- appropriate way eg that some people are just not very good at being parents, and so it's nice when another person, who is a good parent and loves [your DC] very much becomes their parent instead. The only thing to be avoided is the child getting hold of any idea that the bio-parent left or gave them away because they ie the children were naughty or that it was somehow their fault.)
The worst mistake people make (and sadly people keep on making it) is to decide that they will tell a child about his /her parenthood 'later on'. Don't ever do this. It's dumb, selfish and cruel and can do a lot of damage, because the truth ALWAYS comes out, and the betrayal (to the child, even if s/he is an adult when the truth emerges) is so utterly fundamental that it may be unforgivable.