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Original poster

DH and female friend...it's driving me mad not knowing

26 replies

HGD · 30/03/2015 23:02

DH and I split for 3 years and he recently moved back in. I was happy, thought he was, kids happy etc. He has female friends - absolutely no problem with that - but one in particular is causing me concern.

He moved back in and was secretive with his phone. Always glued to his hand. I talked to him about it and he said one friend texts loads and that he would speak to her.

It calmed down but now she's started up again.

I'm ashamed to say I've looked at his messages. I'm not proud of that at all but i feel like he's hiding something.

This woman sends messages like

"love you DH!!! Xxxxx"
"I'm so happy to be part of your life xxxx"
Etc

He deletes regularly but recently I saw tail end of a convo where he was saying his heart was bleeding and he though her best friend "knew". She continued that her and her "hubby" (cringe) have an open relationship but she's always denied anything to do with him (my DH) as he'd said nobody most ever know.

Am I the worlds biggest fool?

I've seen them make plans to meet, he hasn't mentioned to me. They work together.

Frankly, I'm being driven around the bend.

Our son is due to sit GCSEs and I don't want to rock the boat at the mo but equally, this whole thing is making me ill.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:03

Reading this back, I feel so foolish. But why would he move back if he was seeing her? I never made things difficult for him re access to kids or money.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 30/03/2015 23:05

Why does anybody cheat ?

because they can, and because they want to

are you going to raise this with him ?

Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:07

I must. I can't trundle along thinking he's cheating. But I'm concerned about impact on kids, esp ds who is about to sit GCSEs and is already stressed as hell. My plan was to keep quiet until after exams but it's driving me mad.

Should I speak to her?

OP posts:
worrieddadof2 · 30/03/2015 23:07

No advise as such, but its a stick on that something is going on with them Im afraid. Theres certain things you would only say if you were with someone in more than just friends way, this looks to be the case.
Gut instinct tells you alot.

Botanicbaby · 30/03/2015 23:08

Er, why did you let him move back in? You're not the world's biggest fool OP but you should certainly not be checking his phone and being made to feel ill.

A relationship should make you feel secure, happy & content not the opposite. I know its easy for me to type this but it would be better for you to focus on your son due to sit his exams as well as your own happiness rather than this person who brings nothing positive to your life & you end up checking his phone. That is no way to live & i am sure you can do better if you could see your way out.

tribpot · 30/03/2015 23:09

I suppose it's possible they had a relationship during the three years in which you were separated, and she has taken the ending of it badly? That is a highly charitable interpretation, though.

I'm not quite sure why you restarted this relationship - so close to your son's GCSEs? Surely the secrecy with the phone - immediately after moving back in? - was a massive red flag?

Given your ds is presumably still some months away from GCSE, I think I would ask him to move back out again as soon as possible. I'm assuming this was a trial reconciliation given how long you had been separated. He doesn't sound very committed to it.

Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:10

I didn't have any suspicions prior to him moving back in. It was only the change in his behaviour and this woman constantly texting that made me start to wonder.

OP posts:
CurlyWurlyCake · 30/03/2015 23:10

I'm so sorry.

He is driving her interest in him, arranging meets and replying.

What do you want to do?

Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:11

Sorry, to clarify, he moved back in in October.

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 30/03/2015 23:12

no, don't speak to her. That elevates an importance to him that is completely unnecessary and uncalled for. They are welcome to each other if they are both cheaters, no?
You have far more important things to think about - yourself and your son Flowers

Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:13

Curly, I want to know the truth. If he's seeing her, it's over. No doubt. If he was seeing her while we were separated but didn't tell me and continues to text/see her, then i don't see how I can continue.

OP posts:
Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:15

But if he IS and I confront him then surely he will lie?

God I Never thought I'd be in this situation. I've always trusted him.

How do i break up a family - again - without ksknf for sure?

OP posts:
Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:15

Bloody app

Without KNOWING

OP posts:
Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:16

Reason why I thought about speaking to her is that I've more chance of an honest answer. If he IS cheating there's no way he will admit it.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 30/03/2015 23:18

Why did you break up the first time?

Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:21

Broke up first time due to his behaviour - undiagnosed depression. During the separation he was diagnosed, medicated and went back to the man I loved. Or so I thought.

OP posts:
Botanicbaby · 30/03/2015 23:22

"But if he IS and I confront him then surely he will lie?
God I Never thought I'd be in this situation. I've always trusted him.
How do i break up a family - again - without ksknf for sure"

Doesn't sound like it is YOU breaking up the family again, more HIM.
He is the one texting and being secretive and 'its making you ill'.

Can't see the benefits of having him back tbh. Fuck that behaviour. Would he be posting on a forum if you'd been receiving texts from another man?

laurierf · 30/03/2015 23:24

Well the tail end of the conversation does suggest that he is either cheating with this woman or has had an affair with her in the past, not told you, and maintained contact… are there other plausible scenarios?

A friend went through a very similar scenario (including undiagnosed depression). The uncertainty made her really ill too. She eventually confronted him and gave him the ultimatum - if he was seriously back and wanting to make things work, he had to cease relations with this other woman, who he'd originally denied having an affair with (they were business contacts rather than colleagues but it still involved changing jobs). He huffed and puffed and said there was absolutely nothing physical going on anymore but he couldn't just turn his feelings on and off like a tap and that he couldn't just cut contact with OW even though he was "back". Friend finally booted him out. He did come back "for good" and it does seem like he genuinely doesn't have contact with her anymore but it's been a long, slow rebuild of trust.

Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:28

This is so shit. It really is.

Do I confront now?
After Ds exams?
Try to find out for sure?

No way can I - or will I -put up with this.

OP posts:
laurierf · 30/03/2015 23:30

HGD - I think you have to address it now. Another 3 months of illness/anxiety… is too much. Even if you come to some agreement about how you're going to handle things for DS's sake until the exams are over in June… you can't go on with the uncertainty and the illness I don't think.

Original poster
HGD · 30/03/2015 23:33

Thank you all. You are right. I have to deal with this asap.

OP posts:
goofygoober · 30/03/2015 23:50

HGD - so sorry you are going through this. I would echo PPs, please don't wait. Not knowing, really is a cruel beast. You owe it to your sanity and health to find out. He should want to be open and honest. Here if you need a hand to hold Flowers

SaucyJack · 31/03/2015 00:18

I don't think you need to confront him if you don't want to or think it'll get you the truth.

The bottom line is is that the relationship is making you unhappy. You can ask him to move out on the basis of that. It's OK. You don't need to wait proof to justify splitting up.

MrsGPie01252 · 31/03/2015 00:19

You aren't the one breaking up the family... HE IS! Trust your intuition. Give him an ultimatum. Tell him exactly what he is going to loose! Spell it out for him. It's no fair in anyone. He made promises to you when he married you. He has built a family with you. It's a terrible betrayal. if he isn't prepared to give up contact with OW he is making a mockery of everything you have built together over the years. Making all the happy memories, photographs, etc. a mockery. Don't let him!!!

DrMorbius · 31/03/2015 07:53

If an aspect or your relationship is "driving you mad", then take actions to change the situation. If it is inappropriate conversations with a third person that make you unhappy, then take action. Unhappiness is sufficient reason to instigate change. Your DC's are probably picking up on your unhappiness.

Your DH and the OW spend 8 hours a day together and yet they need to text each other outside work. WTF is that about??

I often see posts (on here) where one person does not have access to their partners phone/email etc (I don't know if its a generational thing), I know all my DW's passwords and she knows mine. I have never checked her phone/emails (and she has never checked mine), but we have 100% trust and that means everything is open.