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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I reply or ignore this message?

46 replies

littlecupcake · 30/03/2015 14:02

I am friends with a guy that I dated nearly twenty years ago. I'm married, he's in a long term relationship. Both of us have children with our partners. My DH knows that we are in touch and does not have an issue with us being friends. My friend's partner doesn't trust him so he has been texting me behind her back. The messages are purely platonic, 'how was your weekend?' type of texts, absolutely nothing going on whatsoever, we are just friends.

I had a text from him last week asking if his partner had contacted me and at that point she hadn't. He asked me to say that we hadn't been in contact if she asked. Apparently she found a message on his phone and he told her he had only replied to a text I'd sent. In truth, we've had a few text exchanges this year and these have always been instigated by him.

I found this message in my Others folder on fb yesterday:

can you stop texting (name) and concentrate on your own marriage rather than wrecking other peoples relationships

Would you reply or ignore it? Feeling miffed that he has made out I've been contacting him when he's always been the one to send the first message. I can't decide if I'm angry that she's accused me of texting him all the time (although that's probably what he's told her) our if I feel sorry for her.

I'm not going to text him again - his last message to me was on Friday night, along the lines of 'I'm nearly home. Good bye. Please don't reply'. This is the first time he's asked me not to send him any messages, and I'm not going to.

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 30/03/2015 14:04

I wouldn't reply to her. But I wouldn't reply to him either! I can see why she's annoyed.

mynewpassion · 30/03/2015 14:11

Agree. Drama you don't need.

GlitzAndGigglesx · 30/03/2015 14:12

Don't reply to either of them. Do you really need to be in contact with him? I wouldn't be happy to discover my dp still texting his ex and them having nice little chats. For all you know he could be completely ignoring her at home and she's found out why

BuzzardBird · 30/03/2015 14:15

I would put her straight so that she knew what she was dealing with then block her and him on your FB.

Crinkle77 · 30/03/2015 14:16

I agree with the others. Don't respond to her and cut contact with him. He has shown himself to be nasty by painting you as the villain in all this.

Psipsina · 30/03/2015 14:17

It almost sounds like a minor emotional affair tbh. Sad

I would try to avoid anyone who tells you their partner or wife is unaware of/uncomfortable with your having contact.

It's a really bad sign. He is also asking you to lie for him, and lying to her about you.

What's to like about this 'friend'? Sorry you got caught up in it. I would be annoyed at the message she sent but FAR more annoyed with this person telling me what to say.

Dump his arse.

GoadyFuckAaargh · 30/03/2015 14:17

agree with BuzzardBird

FuckingLiability · 30/03/2015 14:18

I wouldn't reply either. Not that I'd be bothered if DH was friendly with an ex but if he was secretive about it then that would make me dislike it, IYSWIM.

Psipsina · 30/03/2015 14:20

Actually, I would reply to her FB message apologising that she was upset by your speaking with him, reassure her that from your perspective nothing was going on but mention that he instigated the contact. Say you will not be contacting him again and you wish her well. Then block both of them and forget about it.

pocketsaviour · 30/03/2015 14:21

Feeling miffed that he has made out I've been contacting him when he's always been the one to send the first message.

Hmm, I wonder why she doesn't trust him!!

I would just not reply, to either of them. I know it's annoying being accused of being the "scarlet woman" when it's him at fault, but a lot of women tend to fixate on the "OW" instead of blaming their own partner. Not helped, of course, by the partner spinning them a line about how they "tried to ignore her but she kept messaging me!"

gamerchick · 30/03/2015 14:23

Don't reply no matter how much it takes you to sit on your hands Grin

Ignore him completely from now on and if she messages you again then let her have it then block.

It's not worth it.

ivykaty44 · 30/03/2015 14:26

I would reply to her

Explain that there has been text contact and your husband is fully aware and you were under the impression she was aware of this contact.
As it is obviously causing concerns you will cut contact with her husband and don't want to be contacted either.

If you don't contact then she is free to blame you for this and she shouldn't be able to do that and is under a false assumption about this. Don't just leave her to be mislead completely - let her know there is something not quite right about what he says

Why shouldn't she know?

It then up to her entirely what she does with that information

ineedabodytransplant · 30/03/2015 14:39

ivykaty44,

the other woman didn't know about the texting. He did it behind her back, very sneaky.

Actually OP, if you have any messages that ask you to deny any contact then I would possibly forward that on to her. Show the poor girl what/who she's dealing with.

But also, maybe look at why you were happy to go along with the deception. You told your OH and were honest, your texting 'friend' wasn't

ineedabodytransplant · 30/03/2015 14:40

And is it any wonder she doesn't trust him?

HellKitty · 30/03/2015 14:43

Agree to replying before blocking. She might read into things a lot more if you don't. I'd then cut off all contact, it's not fair on you to be his little secret friend and have to lie to his wife.

Gobbolinothewitchscat · 30/03/2015 14:49

That message to you on Friday was weird

I absolutely trust my DH but if he sent a message like that, I'd assume he had met the person he was sending it to and was then confirming that his journey home was OK. Plus, the "don't reply" looks very odd

I would ignore and block both of these people. I would also discusd everything with your DH and show him all of the text messages between you. Don't delete any. Be prepared for the possibility of this woman contacting your DH and saying you have been having an affair so make sure he is totally up to speed on this

Yournotfeckingserious · 30/03/2015 14:50

I would reply too as I would have to clear up any confusion. Imagine if she starts getting all weird and contacting everyone on your facebook telling them you were tryin to wreck their relationship. I would be horrified especially since you haven't actually done anything wrong.

blueberrypie0112 · 30/03/2015 14:51

Don't reply. Your husband is your new best friend. It will be ok if you have not heard from him for awhile. I mean, what can you do? Tell this guy to break up with her for you? You are being constantly told not to reply so don't.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/03/2015 14:55

Just ignore. And if anyone else mentions it say 'Oh, I can't be arsed with drama llamas' and change the subject. FWIW your male pal is probably having an affair with someone else and has used you to confuse the issue.

MythicalChicken · 30/03/2015 15:00

I think you need to tell her that there is nothing going on, however you will cease any form of contact with him immediately. They're a family, please do the right thing. Not that you've done anything wrong.

IsSheBeingSquashed · 30/03/2015 15:03

I agree that he is probably having an affair with someone else and trying to throw her off the scent. What a charmer.

FelicityGubbins · 30/03/2015 15:05

While you certainly haven't done anything wrong, I think it would be very cruel to not reply to her and tell her what has gone on (ie nothing) I find it quite nasty that so many on here would just cheerfully fuck off an obviously distressed woman! Sad

Joyfulldeathsquad · 30/03/2015 15:06

Yeah the 'don't reply' is weird. Maybe he thought there was more to your friendship than there was.

I'd message her and explain from your side as he sounds like a dodgy fucker.

Box5883284322679964228 · 30/03/2015 15:07

I would text

'Sorry if texts have upset you, Xx and I are old friends. I'm a happily married woman with no interest in having an affair'

OhMrGove · 30/03/2015 15:08

She sounds unhinged.

If my DP sent messages like that to my male friends, including those I have history with, I would leave.