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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Should I reply or ignore this message?

46 replies

littlecupcake · 30/03/2015 14:02

I am friends with a guy that I dated nearly twenty years ago. I'm married, he's in a long term relationship. Both of us have children with our partners. My DH knows that we are in touch and does not have an issue with us being friends. My friend's partner doesn't trust him so he has been texting me behind her back. The messages are purely platonic, 'how was your weekend?' type of texts, absolutely nothing going on whatsoever, we are just friends.

I had a text from him last week asking if his partner had contacted me and at that point she hadn't. He asked me to say that we hadn't been in contact if she asked. Apparently she found a message on his phone and he told her he had only replied to a text I'd sent. In truth, we've had a few text exchanges this year and these have always been instigated by him.

I found this message in my Others folder on fb yesterday:

can you stop texting (name) and concentrate on your own marriage rather than wrecking other peoples relationships

Would you reply or ignore it? Feeling miffed that he has made out I've been contacting him when he's always been the one to send the first message. I can't decide if I'm angry that she's accused me of texting him all the time (although that's probably what he's told her) our if I feel sorry for her.

I'm not going to text him again - his last message to me was on Friday night, along the lines of 'I'm nearly home. Good bye. Please don't reply'. This is the first time he's asked me not to send him any messages, and I'm not going to.

OP posts:

SunnyBaudelaire · 30/03/2015 15:12

why on earth is he sending you messages like that one on Friday night?
Totally bizarre in fact. No wonder his wife is so suspicious.
He probably IS having an affair but with someone else, with you lined up for the future.
Ignore both of them.

blueberrypie0112 · 30/03/2015 15:14

I don't know but I think this woman knows nothing is going on. Or she would have said something. All they did is ask OP not to text anymore. So that's why I think OP should not bother and move on with her life.

howabout · 30/03/2015 15:28

Agree with ignore. If she is suspicious, rightly or wrongly anything you say will just add fuel to the fire. Also make sure your dp has all the facts just in case

MeerkaRIPSirTerry · 30/03/2015 15:47

its really sad when you have to loose an old friend because of a jealous partner, but:

When he asked you to cover for him, that's when you should have said No, that's something I can't do. Up until then you were on shaky ground, but that crossed the line. From that point on really it was always going to be uncomfortable because you knew that his wife was deeply unhappy with the situation.

it doesn't matter if she is reasonable or not, that's kind of irrelevant. But asking you to cover for him was not ok.

Box's reply was good "Sorry if texts have upset you, Xx and I are old friends. I'm a happily married woman with no interest in having an affair"

Then back away from them both.

mumofthemonsters808 · 30/03/2015 15:55

I would have to reply and clarify the issue, I would then block him because I could not handle all the drama and it really is not worth getting involved in this mess.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/03/2015 17:25

The wife might be a paranoid, controlling, abusive cowbag for all you know, OP - another good reason to ignore the pair of them.

ivykaty44 · 30/03/2015 22:23

I need body transplant

The wife did know about the text messages that is why the friend asked op to lie and now the friends wife has been in contact with op saying don't contact my husband - the wife dies know about the contact and doesn't like it

BoneyBackJefferson · 30/03/2015 22:31

What SGB posted.

You are better out of it.

CalleighDoodle · 30/03/2015 22:33

The wife DIDNT know until she found messages. The man hid the contact. The wife is nbu to tell you to step away as it was a hidden relationship. However, she should probably LTB as i agree with other posters who said he is probably having an affair somewhere, or trying.

familybla · 30/03/2015 22:41

I keep a male friendship a secret from my DH. Not because there is anything going on or ever has been, but because DH is just so f-ing irrationally jealous and paranoid.

I wish it wasn't that way, but in the meantime I need to live my life and have the friendships I want.

I showed DH texts and emails between us and tried to introduce him to my friend, but DH is unable to not read a sexual subtext into them (in a really paranoid way) when there really isn't one at all. Trust me, there was nothing sexual.

I have empathy for your friend if he has a wife like my DH. Sometimes no matter how innocent, someone will always tell themselves a different story.

Koalafications · 30/03/2015 22:42

I would reply, I think not replying makes it look like you have something to hide.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/03/2015 23:02

No, replying means the OP gets drawn further into whatever tedious nonsense is going on between this couple. It's not her problem. She doesn't owe either of them anything.

Momagain1 · 30/03/2015 23:15

He sounds not worth the trouble. Their relationship is a mess. It is either collapsing, or they get off on creating situations to prompt jealousy and drama.

Leave them to it.

Lacoba66 · 30/03/2015 23:39

Just out of curiosity OP, does your DH know of the latest incident? If so, what does he advise?

Given that you say he is aware of your friendship, then I would assume he is also aware of the fallout. Obviously it's your choice, but I would assume you would have shared it with him, as you have with MN.

Whocansay · 31/03/2015 07:21

I would be concerned that replying would open a whole can of worms, tbh. I would ignore and block both.

I would show my dh these latest messages though, so he knows what's going on. They clearly have issues that you weren't aware of. Leave them to it.

Koalafications · 31/03/2015 07:39

Well, if I was in the situation that OP is I would reply. I wouldn't want someone to think I was trying to wreck their marriage.

Box5883284322679964228 · 31/03/2015 08:57

Reply then block the number

GoatsDoRoam · 31/03/2015 09:58

He has been texting you behind her back? He told you this? And you went along with it? He texts you things like "Please don't reply" so that his wife won't witness your messaging? And this doesn't set off your Creepy Situation Best Avoided radar?

OP, this entire thing is a Creepy Situation Best Avoided.

Ignore and block the pair of them.

Original poster

littlecupcake · 01/04/2015 09:37

Thanks for all your replies. Spoke to DH about it last night and he was as shocked as I was that my friend's partner had contacted me. He actually thought it was so ridiculous that he suggested replying to her and playing along with it (can't do emoticons with toddler jumping on me, but you know the wide eyed, hair standing on end one...That's the one I want here)!! Just told him that when my friend asked me to deny that we'd been texting and made it sound like I was hounding him (when in fact he initiated all contact) he crossed a line and I'm not happy being friends with someone like that. Told DH that I'm going to block her on FB and my friend's mobile number. Dh was very cool about it all. There was a 50/50 divide on whether or not to reply to her message and I think I'd feel happier knowing I've told her that we were old friends and I'm happily married with no interest in having an affair, as suggested upthread. That way the silence isn't going to make me look guilty. Thanks again everyone for your advice.

OP posts:

winkywinkola · 01/04/2015 10:54

Hold on. The wife probably doesn't know what's going on. Perhaps he's played around before and her antennae are on ultra alert.

The ridiculous one here is your friend, not his wife. What has he done to make her so sensitive to apparently innocuous texts?

Op, if you knew all along this man was texting you behind his wife's back, then you are absolutely part of a deceit because you chose to respond knowing your correspondence was a secret. Which is wrong, isn't it?

So, if that's the case you can ridicule the wife all you like but perhaps you should wonder why you were happy to go along with this man's lying? Because it makes you part of it, whether you like it or not.

SolidGoldBrass · 01/04/2015 11:24

Thing is, OP has no actual way of knowing if her old pal is a fannyrat, or if his wife is a controlling, jealous neurotic (in which case it's fine to lie and take the piss: jealous people are contemptible).
OP is best off walking away from the whole business.

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