DH depression, possible antidepressants & near end of my fertility window- call out to mums of one. Or anyone who can advise on the rest!

[totalnamechanger]

Sorry for length and all encompassing subject but I would greatly appreciate any advice/ thoughts on any of the below!

DH burnt out at work and we (and GP) think he's depressed. He's feeling huge pressure to provide now we have DS (2). In the past it was him who supported me through work crises. He took things in his stride. He feels it is different now we have a child and mortgage. I work but not in an industry that pays anything like his salary. The GP prescribed citapram but he hasn't decided whether to take it yet. We are aware that it might affect his libido (quite low atm due to stress) but also create ED (which he has never suffered from to date). I've organised counselling and he has had one session for now. He's talking to me which is a great start as he finds it difficult to open up and sees all the above as a failure.

Before I had DS we spoke vaguely about having 2 children. When I was pregnant DH mentioned that maybe 1 was enough. I didn't really respond as I felt lucky to be pregnant and thought I'd cross that bridge later. Since having DS (who DH adored from the start) he again said we should maybe stick to 1. However more recently he used the word, 'yet'. As in 'not yet.'

I'm 40 so it is now or never. I have told him this. I would like to try for a second because of the benefits I feel having a sibling would bring. I would like DS to grow up in a house with more children and where he doesn't have to play by himself or settle for inferior adult attempts. I am close to my sibling and always thought that it would be sad to be an 'only' child. Now I know that this could be the case for my son regardless of whether DH decides he does want to try for another. I can see that it might not be a great time to ttc even if DH decides he really wants to. I am so much enjoying my time with DS (even at tricky toddler stage) I'm also enjoying being back at work and I haven't really experienced that crazed need another baby feeling but yes if it was down to me I would have started ttc again a few months ago because of my age.

So to point 1 of thread... please can all you wonderful mums of one give me good stories, tips, advice on bringing up a grounded, happy, occupied sibling free child?

Point 2- if anyone has any experiences of libido/ ed/ lowered male fertility associated with citapram or the opposite, that would also be really useful to know. I'm thinking that if DH does end up taking the drugs that could push back ttc for a further 6+ months (maybe too late then) so I'd like to hear your experiences.

Thank you for reading.

Your DH's mental health has to be the number one priority. Having said that medication isn't the only answer. I think GPs can be too quick to prescribe medication, maybe because it's cheaper and easier than referring patients to counselling or CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy). Could your DH ask for a second opinion and get advice on medication and/or other options? It also depends on the severity of his depression, if it's mild then therapy might be enough, but if it's moderate/severe (which it might be if he has burnout and is signed off work?) he might need medication to kick start his recovery.
If his sex drive is low already then I don't think that should be a factor in whether to take the medication. You need to treat the stress and depression before his sex drive will improve.
It's more important for your son to have a happy, healthy dad than another sibling at this point.
I imagine it must be hard if you want a second child, but please don't put your husband under pressure, he just needs support right now.

My DH has the same problem, caused by another SSRI, Paroxetine. When we were ttc he saw a urologist, who prescribed Viagra. I'm sure the GP could have done so though. The Viagra made all the difference between him not being able to orgasm, and being able to - albeit with difficulty sometimes. He found getting up in the wee hours to take his SSRI early on days we knew we should try helped too, as it was wearing off by the time we were dtd. Paroxetine has a particularly short half-life, though. Not sure about Citalopram.

I hope your DH is feeling better soon, and things work out for the best.

Thank you so much for these replies and sharing your personal experience which maybe isn't that easy. I intended to post on the relationships board and accidentally posted here but I'm really glad I did now as it has given me something of a wake up call to priorities.

Another that's a really compassionate post. You are absolutely right about a happy household being more important than two children being put under the stress of a mental health issue that hasn't had appropriate attention. DH hasn't been signed off work (he thinks it will make it worse) but the doctor did seem to be strongly suggesting it. I came up with the suggestion of anti-depressants and the doctor was happy to prescribe if DH wanted that. There is a 3 month wait for counselling here but we have started to go down the private route. I can see that my husband's work situation is triggering some negative thought processes- thoughts of failure, thinking he is letting us down, panic and from what I know about CBT (all theoretical though) I think it might help him. Another reason he's sitting on the ads rather than starting to take them is the worry that side effects such as fuzzy head, fatigue, nausea etc could at least temporarily make his work even more difficult to come with.

Warm, I didn't know about the one child forum. I'll look that up and try and separate these two issues to keep ttc worries away from DH for now.

Flumpty thanks for sharing similar personal experience. Thanks too for the strategies you have used. It's a relief to know that sex does not necessarily go out of the window and that you and your husband could be so open about things with the doctor. Do you think that the ad's sexual effects have a worse impact on your husband's self-esteem/ recovery? Actually Warm- this question is relevant to you as well.

Does anyone have any positive experiences with St Johns Wort? Or any suggestions/ strategies of how DH counselling can be supported?

He went into work about an hour ago. I was having to give him tips that I used when I was seriously stressed at work such as - decide if you can face getting on the train, if not you can turn back; decide whether you can face getting on the tube, if not turn back; if you get into the office try and do just one positive thing for the difficult project; try and do one thing to nurture easier projects; have an escape plan if you feel you need to get out...

I don't know how he will be able to keep this up. He doesn't want to sign off in case he can't go in again and ends up being off on long term sick. He's worried that he would never work again.

Hi everyone - the OP has asked us to pop this over to Relationships, so we'll be moving it over now.

I absolutely second those who are saying that your DH MUST come first in this situation. For the kind of guy who quietly gets on with things in his job, MH issues can be terrifying.

A few years ago, my then-DP (now DH) had a meltdown over all kinds of stresses. He was suffering from acute anxiety, and was terrified by it. Rather than telling anyone (including me) about it, he just bottled it up until he reached a point where he was genuinely thinking of suicide. He finally decided to tell me (doing it in the worst possible way!) and we basically put everything on hold to focus on getting him better - which included cancelling our wedding and a major readjustment of priorities.

Six months later, with the help of a counsellor and citalopram (and you are absolutely right to consider both of those - they are known to be far more effective when used together than singly), he was much better. Like you, we paid for counselling privately because of the urgency of the problem and even though it cost an arm and a leg, it was the best investment we've ever made. In a year, he was powering on and far calmer, more settled and more determined than he was previously. The therapy really helped tremendously. It didn't just bring him back up to where he was previously - it dealt with underlying problems of anxiety that had bothered him for years, and he came out of it so much stronger. He's been able to take on more responsibility at work (his choice) with calmness and is now much more communicative about his feelings, which also helps to ensure that there isn't a dangerous psychological pressure cooker at work.

With regards to ADs- please consider getting started straight away because they really take 4-6 weeks to get working, so it's important to realise that there will be a frustrating period where symptoms stay the same or even get worse before the clouds start to lift. Being aware of this delay is actually far more important than being aware of the side-effects because a lot of people get impatient, come off the drugs, and then introduce still more of a delay into the process of getting effective treatment. In terms of side-effects, I would advise sitting down with your DP and reading the side-effects on a bottle of Paracetamol or Aspirin - they sound fearsome, yet most of us pop a couple when we have a headache without thinking. Or think about the side-effects that would have to be printed on a pint of beer! Pharmaceutical companies have to put absolutely everything on those labels, but only a very tiny minority of people ever experience extreme reactions, and certainly not enough to interfere with work.

I suspect that your DH is really held back by a fear of these drugs. People have odd notions about ADs 'turning them into zombies' which is not borne out by the facts. I think people don't realise that there is a huge difference between the really hard-hitting medications or high dosages of drugs that are used for very serious psychiatric disorders (which can come with big side-effects) and the much lighter treatments meted out to those with depression and anxiety. Think of it this way - one in six people in urban areas in England is on anti-depressants, and we're not suffering from a zombie plague yet! When you think about that statistic, the chances are that several of DH's high-flying work colleagues are already on citalopram or something very similar.

Oh, and DH had no problem with ED or sex on citalopram - though he did start snoring really badly!! He was on them for 2.5 years. If I were you, I would start having sex without protection, but try not to stress right this second about whether you're conceiving because the last thing your family needs now is additional stress. If it happens, great; if it doesn't, you still have time for interventions like IVF once this period of crisis is over.

I have a duel viewpoint because I'm an only myself and a Mum of one.

Growing up I didn't mind being an only. I liked playing by myself and it wasn't an issue.

As an adult it's been harder but that is because of issues between me and my parents. At times I've wished I had a sibling to share the burden.

However at the same time I do recognise that while some people have fantastic relationships, there are plenty of others who have terrible ones and plenty of others who have indifferent ones. Some siblings hate each other from childhood and it never stops.

So I recognise that having a sibling wouldn't necessarily have made my life any easier and as one of my parents has a lot of narcissistic tendencies it's possible that either myself of the hypothetical sibling would have been the 'Golden Child' which is a whole world of pain!

The other issue for me is that sometimes discord between siblings is sewn by bad parenting, but at other times it just seems to emerge no matter what the parents do. So even if you and DH are amazing parents and I'm sure you are, you don't know how it would turn out.

So what I'm trying to say in a rather long winded way is that you can't bank on a sibling to provide all the things that you suggest they would provide for you DS.

I think you have to take that into account when you are considering whether or not having another child is worth it.

Another only, with an only dd, here. I completely agree with the pp above. I was 42 having my dd, so no real chance of another, even though I sometimes wish I had (if only to keep her company). I don't see her as losing out at all, and she has never hinted at a sibling. They don't miss what they never had, after all.

It sounds to me that your dh is really struggling at the moment, so I would prioritise him. I'm taking St John's Wort at the moment and it seems to be working ok. Just wondering if there is a specific problem that's creating or compounding the stress: has he spoken to his powers-that-be about this or is there a union representitive he could speak to? It sounds pretty overwhelming and the last thing he probably wants to do is worry about what's going on at home.

And check out the One Child board if you haven't already done so.

I'm sorry it's taken so long to acknowledge these last messages, my internet has been down and my phone is a dreadful for typing anything longer than a sentence.

I'm really moved by people's generosity in giving their time (it can take so long to compose a thought-out message) and explaining their experiences.

Quietly- your post made me laugh. Yes there was a level of high speed project management that was going on yesterday morning before he went to work and although that's what I used to do when stressed in the past, it is a bit full on! He still hasn't taken the antidepressants but is planning to 'look at them' as you put it for a couple of weeks while we see if the few days off around Easter help together with lots of looking after himself and talking to people. He is going to meet an old friend of his this evening who has suffered from extreme work issues and depression on a few occasions so that might help. I know time isn't on my side baby wise but people are right that's going to add more stress at the moment. That's one reason why I wanted to start focusing on the idea of remaining a family of 3 for now. I agree that exercise would be really useful but unfortunately DH doesn't have much of a history of exercise and the motivation to do this and lose a bit of weight has been an issue that has predated this work problem.

shove- I can see you also have had to have a massive shift of priorities. Your account of citropram with counselling is really promising. That's exactly what we would hope for if he did take them. I hadn't thought of looking at the side-effects of standard painkillers but you do have a point. That's very reassuring that he didn't have any problems with sex because I worry that in itself puts such a pressure on a relationship/ self-esteem. I had extensively googled this issue with citropram and was quite alarmed by how many accounts there were of long term or even permanent sexual dysfunction afterwards. I suppose most people post with problems and not so much with good experiences and maybe my search terms were biasing too. As I said before we are thinking of waiting a couple of weeks but if things get worse maybe he might take them before that.

Thinking of how common this is does help and even speaking to DH yesterday about how many of our friends (mostly male coincidentally in this case) have suffered from stress/ breakdown/ depression in response to a particular life event or on an ongoing basis.

Disgraceful and Spoon- good to hear from two mums of one. It's true that you can't predict how siblings will get on and plenty don't- there are toxic families out there or siblings who just don't get each other at all. On the other hand I have a couple of successful and creative friends who are only children to great parents, are very happy to be only children and who even think it contributed to their imaginative abilities. Also one child families are getting more common with women having children later so there hopefully will be plenty of play opportunities created by such parents so their child can socialise as much as possible. Like you Spoon I too think about the burden though of an adult with no siblings when parents start ageing and difficult decisions have to be made. Clearly also you can't predict or control how a second child will be.

I was thinking about St J W, Disgraceful but when I read the back it said not to take if you've been diagnosed with depression.. so I put it back on the shelf and bought Kalms! I probably am driving DH mad although he says not. I think that DH is just getting into catastrophic thinking at the moment with work. He's in a notorious industry for burn out where people are quite young so many haven't the commitments he has. I guess some of them medicate with alcohol or drugs? There isn't union presence unfortunately. His boss is actually telling him he's doing well at the moment but DH thinks he's messing up a lot. It's a step up for him and he worries he's not up to it.

Like shove said earlier I think this is just triggering anxiety and old unhelpful responses to stress. I'm also helping that counselling might help him to break these patterns of shutting down and being so hard on himself.

Sorry very longwinded. You've all helped me see things more clearly and calm down myself- I'm really grateful.

Total wrt self-esteem being impacted by the ED issues caused by the meds, I handled this by being understanding of the problems and making it very clear that I knew they were being caused by the ADs, and were in no way DH's fault. It helped particularly, I think, to point out that this side-effect is so well-known (though seldom pointed out by Drs when prescribing for depression) that they are used as a front-line treatment for premature ejaculation! So if they are so effective at delaying things for those who suffer with premature ejaculation, of course they're going to cause problems with delay/anorgasmia with those who don't have that problem. After several times of me saying that, and a little internet research on his part, the penny did drop that it was not his fault, and nothing to be ashamed of.

Meant also to say that I hope your DH gets better soon.

Not trying to be negative here OP, but maybe your stated ttc timeframe and your efforts to get everything fixed pronto, to fit with your declared timeframe, along with your take this / do that type of support, is adding to his stress and worry levels by pressurising him?

Could be that he needs a gentler handholding and reassuring type of approach rather than your scheduled, do this now, problem fixing to carry on with the grand plan of another child - asap?

Seriously, I'm not trying to wind you up, or criticise, I'm merely offering another pov and I really hope you come through this in the best possible way.

Flumpty that's interesting, I didn't know cit was a treatment for PE. Yup I think the foreknowledge that there are these side effects does help a more open conversation if this becomes as issue and possibly less feeling responsible (not that ED is anyone's fault so to speak).

Eek you haven't wound me up. I'm interested in your viewpoint. I'm not really sure whether a second baby is the grand plan. Its something I would like to try for but realise it might not happen for a number of reasons. Nor am I imposing any time frame other than that nature imposes if you see what I mean? DH acknowledgement of his inability to cope at work only started last week. I think I've asked him if he wants to try for another child twice in the last 6 months and did remind him that I'm 40(!) but it's not what we're talking about now even though it's obviously on my mind. Maybe I'm airing it here so I don't say anything to him or anyone in RL.

I totally take on board your view that I'm steamrollering. It is a bit much although it's not happening most of the time. He keeps asking me what to do but that doesn't mean I can tell him or should try and take control.

Don't worry OP, from what you've said it sounds like you're being supportive, not pushy. Organising the counselling was a good thing to do, and he wouldn't have gone if he didn't want to! When someone is depressed it can be very difficult to make decisions and take practical steps to get better. So as long as you're supporting him (which is sounds like you are) you're doing the right thing.

Also this is something that needs to be addressed, regardless of the second child question, so I don't blame you for helping to move things along!

Good luck OP