How often does your DH do "something nice" for you?

[LinaDee]

Just that really...
I've been with my DH coming up for 10 years, married for nearly 5 and I'm starting to feel a bit down about some aspects of our relationship.
The whole thing is exaggerated by pregnancy hormones at the moment but I just feel like he doesn't seem to know me well enough to just randomly do something nice in a "just because" sort of way. I do this for him lots ranging from picking up his favourite (rarely found) chocolate bar whenever I see it to arranging surprise visits from friends of his who live far away.
He, on the other hand, can't even chose a bday present for me without some sort of guidance.
As I write this,I'm thinking of more things that are beginning to bug me, like the amount of time he spends on his phone playing silly games or getting up on weekends when there is no football and asking me what we are doing with our DD. I feel responsible for everything and parts of it I wouldn't mind so much if I just felt a little bit more appreciated. E.g - running me a nice bath if I've had a tough day at work or something.
Looking back on our relationship I can't think of a single thing he's ever done spontaneously for me.
I fully appreciate that I'm going to come across a bit "precious" or spoiled here. But I just wonder what realistically can be "expected" in a relationship.

Thanks if you've got this far - my thoughts are all just tumbling out!

It depends. If he has never been a one for spontenaiety then it is a lot to now be expecting of him. Some people just dont think about it.

If he has become thoughtless or inconsiderate, then sit him down and explain how you feel.

My DH doesn't necessarily do spontanious treats etc all the time, but he remembers that my favourite flowers are tulips so I usually get a random bunch when they are on offer are in season. If I ask him to grab a pizza for tea from the shops he knows which flavours are my favourite so he doesnt have to ask. He brings me the odd brew in bed. He remembers when I have meetings/appointments on and asks how they went.

I dont know, tbh, I dont even think about it until I opened this thread. He is incredibly hands on day to day (with home and kids), amd maybe because of that I dont need anything else. Could the way you are feeling be symptpmatic of him generally not pulling his weight?

My hubby usually asks for present input :) I don't think that's a bad thing...he's generous, but admits he's not good at choosing presents.

What's important is that he does the little things, not big gestures. My Dh brought me breakfast in bed this morning (I have horrid morning sickness and if I nibble before I get up it helps a little.) he's also been obsessively taking the bin out and cleaning up so I don't have to be bothered by bad smells (again, morning sickness...) normally I get a cuppa in bed if he's up before me. That makes me happy.

The tiny things, done often are more important to me than grand gestures :) does he pull his weight on the small stuff? Laundry, cleaning etc?

I think that is part of it to be honest.
It's been a bit of a battle to get to the stage we are at now where he is doing his bit around the house and with our DD so in that sense things have got a bit better over time but there are still things he doesn't and won't do. When we had a long chat about him pulling his weight a few months ago, one of the things he said was that he would do things if I asked him to but that's not how I particularly want things to be - that's how I become the "nagging wife" always on at him to do things.

DP not DH but he does loads for me.

Doesn't drink coffee/tea but happily makes it by the gallon for me.

Occasionally stops by the hotel chocolat on his way to see me.

Buys my bath bombs/cleans & runs the bath for me.

Looks after me when I am unwell.

Does way more than me in the cooking/cleaning/tidying department.

I am pretty spoilt to be honest. I think I am going to have to be nicer to him!

OP instead of having to ask him to do X and Y could you just totally offload some stuff onto him as a permanent responsibility? Then you never need to ask but he has to do it? For instance DH always bathes the kids. I only ever do it if he is away. He also takes them swimming weekly. He does the bins. He does the "big clean" where all the furniture gets pulled out and cleaned behind etc. I never need to do them or ask for them to be done because they are not my responsibility.

This is a tough one as it is a case of you not feeling cared for, and part of that is wanting the other person to do the thinking! Maybe next time he does something nice (makes a cuppa? sends you for a pregnant rest? makes nice food) bang on quite a lot about how you appreciate it, being really specific about how it makes you feel. That way he knows what the desired behaviour looks like and won't be worried about getting it wrong.

If that doesnt work, have a blazing row. But only if you are sure it is clear he is being unreasonable!

That's kind of what we have done now - he does the bins though and we alternate bathing the wee one and putting her to bed. I no longer iron is shirts - I put my foot down on that one firmly recently. We've resorted to getting a cleaner (once a fortnight) for some of the more general stuff as I work full time and am heavily pregnant although this will likely go when I go on Mat leave and I appreciate I'll be around more to do things - which I genuinely don't mind.
Just now the thing that's bugging me is how things are with the two of us. All he ever seems to want to do is something involving a screen of some kind or go to the football (he has a season ticket for this).
When he's not doing that, it's up to me to decide how we spend a weekend day as a family and he always says he doesn't care what we do as long as I'm happy with it. While this seems like quite a nice thing I say, to me, it's now reads more like - I don't care how I spend my time with you guys, anything to stop me from moaning. I just wish for once he would step up a bit and actually feel like he wants to be around us when there's no football on. Or have a conversation without him tapping away at a stupid game on his phone he doesn't even need to think about.

I agree with passing on set jobs. Choose some things that are his responsibility. It's the way it works in our house. My DH just doesn't see the things that I feel need doing. He has different priorities in his head.
He is good with doing his share with the children and excellent at buying me presents.
Not particularly spontaneous but good at birthdays etc.

Every single day

Love51 those are good ideas- unfortunately bringing me a cuppa or giving me a short "pregnancy" rest would never cross his mind for me to make a fuss over this is the problem.
It's exactly as you say - it would just be nice if he took over the "thinking" for once!

I think you need to read Wifework - it explains exactly what you're feeling about the mental draining that thinking and organising takes, even when you have a partner who outwardly appears to do his fair share. Never underestimate the onerous nature of being the one who always has to ask/instigate.

My DP does the occasional romantic gesture - flowers, spontaneous meal out etc - probably about the same as Mr Average TBH. What sets him apart is that I can guarantee that if I'm late home from work, he'll have not only started dinner, he'll have also done the DC's reading with them and may have even made their packed lunches for the next day already - simply because he's considerate enough to know it needs doing and if he doesn't do it I'll have to.

In my mind, little kindnesses and considerations like that far outweigh the odd grand romantic gesture.

Blazing row it is then! Or grown up conversations where you explain what you need followed by 2 weeks of 'now, now you could make me a cuppa'.
I used to be rubbish at asking for what I wanted in a relationship. I think women are brought up to consider other people and it can be hard if that isnt reciprocated. One day I realised that DH wasnt scared of asking me to do stuff for him (even tho I might say 'no') so I started to turn the tables. It has led to more openess and honesty, but a slightly unhealthy rate of caffeine consumption.

I second wifework.
See if you can get him to read it for you and give you a precis!

DH isn't good at seeing what needs to be done around the house, so doesn't proactively do anything. However, he'll always do something if I ask him to. I used to get annoyed by this, but if I'm honest I don't do anything proactive about jobs like fixing the dripping tap, clearing the gutters, building work, or any other general maintenance, and he doesn't ask me to.

As for presents, he's rubbish and forgets, so now rather than taking the hump I remind him.

However, for the past six months I've been pretty run down due to pregnancy, and then dealing with a new born and a toddler, and he has been doing everything he can to take the pressure off. Today he took the toddler out for the morning to give me a break, and then took both dcs for a drive in the afternoon so that they would nap. Last night he settled the baby after I fed him. When it comes to parenting he is second to none.

Try and look for his good points rather than focussing on the things he doesn't do. If you can't think of any, then you have a problem.

Pounding - you're right the small things are more important. I don't think I particularly need a grand romantic gesture. It's just the general thoughtlessness that's getting to me. He'll go to the kitchen for a drink or something and not even ask if I'd like anything - it's like he's looking after no.1 all the time and that's all that matters.
I've genuinely tried very hard to be an attentive loving wife. We've been through some really difficult times - him losing his brother, him going through major heart surgery with complications after, an MMC last year. I love him dearly but something is definitely missing. I've also noticed just this weekend that I often have to prompt him to respond to our DD who is 2 when she speaks to him sometimes - it's like he's in his own world!

My dp does lots of very thoughtful things and i do the same for him.
we don't live together though so he still has to try!
he washes up makes me a cuppa, cooks, takes me out to dinner. we go on lots of weekends away, nothing expensive, we look out for bargains. We take eacjh other out for coffee.
We both make an effort for each other.
before this I was married and was basically the unofficial family organiser. My dh seemed incapable of just doing the run around for the kids, even though we had a notice board where everything was detailed, he still asked me what time do I have to pick up dd1? look at the flaming noticeboard!!!!

It was incredibly draining. When the dcs were little I even told him to stop planning nights out for us as I couldn't stand all the organising that I had to do. He would simply say I have booked a taxi for 7pm on Saturday and then leave the rest to me, including babysitting arrangements, cooking dinner, bathing dc etc etc.

The advice I would give is to tell your dh to plan days out and that you really don't mind where you go and mean it! Don't help him do it, make him take responsibility.

The thing about not offering a drink when getting one for yourself is the kind of thing he needs to be pulled up on every time. That's manners that should be drilled in in childhood! I agree with pp who said it is abput responsibility - you need to know that certain things are his responsibility, you might help if he wants but he is running them.
Have you always been so capable that he forgets that you have needs? Or is he under the illusion that you thrive on being in control of everything?
Let us know how it goes!

I can relate to your frustration OP. I'm in a relationship which is very similar, and these issues, added to wider non-involvement by DH in mine and the DC's lives, are basically why I'm now pushing for a separation. In the end I felt that I was constantly organising everything. From making sure we had milk in to where DS2 keeps his socks, he couldn't or wouldn't bother to find out or remember any domestic info. I can't tell you how exhausting it has been over the years. I'm a SAHM and over the years we have morphed into a completely stereotyped 1950's relationship. When he's around (he travels a lot) the DCs have likened it to having a guest!!!! The constant queries.: 'where do we keep the X?' or 'what will I do with Y?' Sorry, I'm venting now, but honestly, I really, really didn't think I'd end up in this situation..... Argh

I sympathise. I do everything domestic in this house. He will potter around the garden or do a bit of diy but most of the time he plays on his phone like a teenager. He is obsessed with this game he's got into. It's funny because until last year he never even had a mobile phone. (And before anyone says he's having an affair, he definitely isn't. I can see what he's doing on the phone, he never goes anywhere apart from work and to be honest he isn't capable of being deceitful.) He will bring me a cup of tea in the morning and when he's making himself one, and occasionally he will decide to run the hoover over, which usually means I have to redo it and put the room back again. It's like looking after a third child. I think I've just got used to it. I do love him but sometimes I fantasise about it being just me and the dcs. He wouldn't be able to cope on his own. He nearly had a nervous breakdown when the dog died, he couldn't cope without me.

This thread is cathartic. I'd never start my own about him but it's nice to write it down. I don't have any words of wisdom Op but thanks for the thread and I hope you find some help.

Reminds me a lot of my ex. Even the idea that you might have to tell him "This is now your fixed chore" so that you don't have to keep asking is ... bloody annoying. Even that is you having to ask, rather than him being proactive. Same with him never making any suggestions about what to do as a family, then acting as if he didn't like being told what to do. Don't have any useful advice on that as he just got worse and worse until he eventually split off from us entirely and found himself a girlfriend who presumably doesn't expect anything. Really hope I can manage to find myself someone who will make me a cup of tea every now and then. Until then, life is frankly more relaxing without a man.

I used to call him "1950s man" by the way, anicesitdown!

Ravenmum-relish in the knowledge that you have gotten rid of the man child. At least children grow up into responsible adults.

I know exactly what you mean as now that I am divorced my workload seems to have reduced, and I say that as a single parent without any help whatsoever from my ex towards looking after the dc.
My new man is completely different, he has the ability to do things without being asked-amazing-a grown adult being able to perform adult functions.

Op- you need to nip this in the bud now.

The cleaning and cooking workload is shared fairly evenly in my house and my DH does the occasional nice, spontaneous thing.

However, I realised I was doing all the household admin (bills etc) and organising everything to do with DC, and always had a huge, never- ending mental to-do list, which he was not even aware of. So I set up a shared google calendar which is on both our phones, iPad and computer, and reminders pop up for things like playdates, car tax, birthdays, general chores. This means that the responsibility is now shared (if only slightly more evenly than before), and DH realised how much 'extra work' was going on.

OP - I think there are two issues here. Firstly, the fact that you're feeling overburdened with work while your DH plays games. Secondly, the fact that you don't feel appreciated with those little gestures that mean so much.

The second one is really easy to sort. Just speak to your DH very gently about this, i.e. not in a critical or angry manner, but in an 'I want to put some spark back in our relationship on both sides' kind of way? You could set yourselves a challenge to do one thing for each other every day for a month - and only two of those a week can be buying something. The rest have to be doing things like making a cuppa, running a bath etc. This should be easy for you, since you already do so much - but harder for him.

The first one is a bigger issue - from what you describe, he's not pulling his weight around the house, but is fencing off a lot of 'leisure time' for himself and leaving you to cope with organising everything. I do NOT for the life of me understand why so many men in their 30s and 40s do this - but it is something that comes up over and over again on here. I have to say, I think parents of boys must be to some extent to blame. It's not really on, and is likely to be holding you back in all kinds of ways, and the situation needs to be made more equal, especially as you have another little person on the way. Of course, some 'time out' is needed by both of you, but it needs to be a balance. I would raise this with him, and perhaps see if you can come up with defined areas of responsibility in the house with definite jobs that he does each day, making the adult decision that gaming and football only happen after these are done.