How often does your DH do "something nice" for you?

[LinaDee]

Just that really...
I've been with my DH coming up for 10 years, married for nearly 5 and I'm starting to feel a bit down about some aspects of our relationship.
The whole thing is exaggerated by pregnancy hormones at the moment but I just feel like he doesn't seem to know me well enough to just randomly do something nice in a "just because" sort of way. I do this for him lots ranging from picking up his favourite (rarely found) chocolate bar whenever I see it to arranging surprise visits from friends of his who live far away.
He, on the other hand, can't even chose a bday present for me without some sort of guidance.
As I write this,I'm thinking of more things that are beginning to bug me, like the amount of time he spends on his phone playing silly games or getting up on weekends when there is no football and asking me what we are doing with our DD. I feel responsible for everything and parts of it I wouldn't mind so much if I just felt a little bit more appreciated. E.g - running me a nice bath if I've had a tough day at work or something.
Looking back on our relationship I can't think of a single thing he's ever done spontaneously for me.
I fully appreciate that I'm going to come across a bit "precious" or spoiled here. But I just wonder what realistically can be "expected" in a relationship.

Thanks if you've got this far - my thoughts are all just tumbling out!

I would not allocate him jobs. I would sit down and ask him to jointly compile a list of the chores and tasks that need doing and to divide them fairly.

A big thing for us is equal leisure time. So, the jobs get done and then we can spend time on games. Sometimes one of us is sat at a screen whilst the other does a chore, but only after first asking, "shall I give you a hand?".

Also, meant to say, that a lot of the things you've mentioned are not nice extra displays of affection, but normal responsibilities of a parent.

He sounds very selfish/self-absorbed

I don't know whether it's fixable but you are completely reasonable to be upset about all this. You deserve better.

I think I would try to cut to the chase with him and just ask him: do you actually want to be with me? with us? Because right now you're taking us for granted, and I don't want to live my life that way.

Linadee everything you have described about him is the same as my STBXH.

I was with him for 18 exhausting years. I gave so much brain energy to the man. He rewarded me by having an affair and laying the blame for the affair on me for always telling him what to do.

Before children it didn't matter so much. After children, the endless decision making was mine alone. Which nursery/preschool/school to chose. What clubs should children attend. What sort of birthday party, what's the budget.

Where should we holiday, how much, how long, how hot.

What car, when is the MOT, insurance renewal. Same with house, all bills, money, maintenance. Mowing the lawn. Washing the car. It wasn't that he wouldn't do these things, he would if ASKED. Then he would take 3 hours to wash the car at weekends which was family time. So I would take it to the car wash in the week.

He never once cooked for me, poured me wine, ran me a bath (maybe when pregnant)(bath not wine!). He never offered menu options, weekends out ideas, he never did anything spontaneous ever. He never suggested anything, he never made plans for the immediate future or the long term.

I still loved him until the second I knew he was having an affair.
Childish, selfish, lazy weak willed man.

I am so glad he is gone from my life. My brain was completely exhausted. It's easier being a single parent because I make the decisions without the added worry of NEEDING his input.

I am now having counselling and the main focus for me is that I have become highly strung, impatient, I refuse to rely on others, I am too self controlled, self sufficient. I am struggling to show emotions, I have buried my emotional self. I have spent so many years unable to rely on him that I can't rely on anyone. I find others acts of kindness to me very strange, I feel I don't deserve kindness, love, gestures. It's made me tough, and sometimes cold and hard of heart. I have mild anxiety thinking about the future, I need to control all the aspects of my life.
His behavior over all the years has totally exacerbated this.

If you can resolve this then take all the advice and go to counselling together.

Nothing ??

I have talked to him about how unhappy I am. Nothing changes. This was supposed to be our last chance to work things out.......he tried for a couple of weeks and then I got pregnant and everything went back to how it was.

It doesn't matter how nice I am to him, it's never reciprocated. When I tell him he needs to pull his weight with the children and in the home he just says "not that again"

That tells me everything I need to know really

Thanks for all the responses. We definitely need to have a talk about how we move forward because I'm genuinely not prepared to carry on like this.
I felt a bit bad for posting this last night when I came home from work today to find him with the laptop doing the online shop. That was until he promptly handed the laptop over to me to so the shopping while he sets his games console up for the wrestling event that he has a friend coming over to watch tonight. he also then proceeded to ask if I go back to ironing his shirts when I'm on mat leave. Pretty annoyed right now.

This is not how I thought/intended this thread to go but oh well!

When are you having your talk and what are you going to say?

(I hope you keep posting).

I'm not sure Viv. Not tonight as we each have company tonight. My bday is also coming up at the weekend and I'm not sure which side of that would be best. Before and then anything he does will feel forced or After and then he'll possibly feel that anything he DOES do is criticised.

I have no interest in "bashing" my husband on here constantly but it feels nice to get it out and write it down.
I genuinely just want things to be better between us - even if it means he comes back at me with things I can do better in our relationship (not related to the housework! As I literally can't do anymore!)
We have so much to be happy about and look forward to. I want to get back to actually sharing that with him again.

Have read the whole thread and so many people have made good comments already, but I just came on to say an emphatic absolutely not, you should NOT be ironing his shirts when you are on maternity leave. That is part of his job and he is not going to offload it onto you.

I do hope things improve, but it doesn't look hopeful at the moment given your last comment

(Sorry not your very last one but the one about the ironing. The cheek of it.)

We have so much to be happy about and look forward to. I want to get back to actually sharing that with him again.

I think he needs to hear this. I think you should consider couple counselling. I think you should consider how long you will give this.

Holgar - why doesn't it look hopefully?
He's made that comment on this side of a serious conversation that we need to have as a couple.
The counselling thing is also an option and I think he will want to work together to make things better.
I'm the first to admit things are not perfect at the moment but we've both let things slip to this level, I've let it happen as much as him by accepting it for so long.

Because if he's already spectacularly bad at noticing that he ought to be doing things for you, and for the household in general, off his own back and without your prompting, it seems a bit rich that he now thinks he's entitled to expect even more from you than you already do, at a time when you'll have another little one to care for on top of everything else and after pregnancy/labour, never mind sleep deprivation. Especially something that seems to be one of the only things he does for himself.

But I didn't mean to sound overly ominous or pessimistic

Wishing you a successful talk and an enlightened man in weeks and months to come! He really does need to step up.

Excuse all the commas and the horrific sentence structure!

I read this thread out to dh. Paying particular emphasis to some bits. He actually had the grace to look a bit panicky and embarrassed.

OP, I could have written this a while back. They sound very similar. My DH is/was very much a 'think of #1' kind of person. I think it's to do with his upbringing and adult life before me. His parents were good to him and so on but he had never really been in a position where he had to think of anyone else. Not as a child and then he left home really young and basically lived alone for years- he was free to do what he wanted, when he wanted for as long as he wanted etc. and never get called up on it. This was an aspect of our relationship that was really difficult because like you I was always thinking of him. Actually thinking of him (i.e. Wondering how he was so texting/calling during the day for no reason, making sure he'd eaten breakfast or lunch or dinner, asking about his day, friends etc.) or doing the little gestures such as buying a magazine he liked, getting his favourite food/drink etc. Unfortunately this was not really reciprocated and he didn't ever seem that interested or supportive of what was going on in my life. During my first pregnancy he was utterly useless. No special treatment at all such as a cuppa or a meal made for me (like your DH he would do things when asked but never just thought to say you put your feet up I'll do this). At many times he was a downright arsehole. Anyway, something happened which led us to counselling and bit by bit he is getting better and better. It is very sloooow progress though and it kind of feels like I've been gradually training him because he simply fails to notice that the washing needs put on, or the dogs bowl needs filled up. Because of the 'new' him I'm able to give him gentle reminders without him kicking off and he seems happy to help. Eventually some things are sinking in. I'm basically at the end of my second pregnancy and he has been much more helpful and thoughtful this time around. i.e. Every Sunday morning he takes our toddler dc out for an organised activity so I get time alone (I had to organise it initially, but small steps!) He also asks if I need anything whilst he's up, will help with the very obvious daily household tasks. I've gradually introduced things that are always his responsibility and set days for cooking etc. so it doesn't end up being a thing. Perhaps you could have the chat and start to set simple fixed routines? Re. ironing his shirts- do not agree to go back to doing that! Your mat leave isn't a holiday and you'll be pretty busy with a newborn and 2yr.old. It's a small way in which he can continue helping out.

Oh also- re. phones, games consoles and football. I think that will need to change when you have 2 such small children around. My DH completely retired his playstation. He's a grown man and accepted that as he now has a family and there is just no time for games like that. If this would be a big step for your DH, could he agree to only play once or twice a week later in the evening once everything has been done and kids are asleep? Phones- I've introduced a blanket ban on using phones or iPads during meal times for both of us because he would sit at breakfast and read messages, read news, watch sports videos etc. I've tried to explain that it sends a bad message to our toddler to see us always engaged with phone or iPad when we should be interacting. Have sent him a few articles like that to back it up in a jokey/friendly way. I think its helped and he's definitely on it a lot less when DC is around. I model this by rarely looking at my phone when together as a family. The silly games have got to go! Football every Saturday- hmm.... not really fair to leave you with a newborn and 2 year old every Saturday afternoon, is it? Unless you get the chance to do the same? So my DH plays football every Sunday and I've kind of explained that it's not really fair to go off and miss half a day of family time and leave me to it. I wouldn't do the same to him. So he has agreed to hang up his Sunday afternoon boots and will only play mid-week evening games once the new baby is here. So that's our story. We still have a long way to go, but there are improvements- like he just txt me from work to ask how are things. Such a small thing but he really would never have bothered to ask in the past. Hope you start to get somewhere OP.

Beagle - your post is encouraging to read and at points I honestly thought "are you me?!?!" Haha! Everything you said about your DH and before you met is also true for mine.

The issue with the football is exactly as you say - i don't want to take all of his hobbies away from him but it feels wrong that he has so many and I have, well, none! I love my DD with all my heart but she is my assumed responsibility to allow him to do all of these things and I simply wouldn't have the time to commit to something like a season ticket. In addition - I honestly wouldn't want to!! I want to spend weekends with my family, but it would be nice if my DH was part of that!

Do you have the phone article?? This, to me, is the height of rudeness. Especially when I've spent time making a nice meal. I've actually fantasised about grabbing the bloody thing and launching it off of a wall!
No phones at meal times (to start with) as of TODAY!

We have a 'no toys at the meal table' rule which we all have breached on the odd occasion. Last time DH did he got reminded of the rule by the 3 year old.
It might be worth having a chat re manners and screens. There may be a gap between what he thinks he should do, and what he does. My DH loves the idea of all eating together round a table, but can get distracted by a screen. It helps that it isnt a case of me imposing my way of doing things, im reminding him of the way he wanted things.

My DH is much nicer to me than I am to him. I'm pregnant at the moment and he regularly gets up with the older two during the weekends when he isn't working. He does a lot of sweet things for me throughout the day.

However he doesn't always engage his brain and despite the rule we've had for years that I cook, he tidies the kitchen he still needs reminding practically daily. And more often than not at the moment I do it.

I am very lucky to have him as he really does take care of all of us. Especially recently when I had a bout of food poisoning and he was brilliant at taking care of all of us while I was frankly useless. But I also want to shake him sometimes when he just doesn't think!

I honestly can't remember which articles I sent him- they were just people's own blogs/opinions but something that I strongly agreed with. I kind of made it out like it was something that we both needed to address (even though it was him really!)- i.e. whilst 'playing' with baby DC he'd simultaneously reading a football blog when I felt that he should really just be engaged with her. Also he is in a couple of what's app groups that are constantly beeping and it was getting annoying at dinner that he'd be checking and replying. He is one of those types of people that if his head is in the phone he can't also join in with conversation. It's one or the other. So we both agreed phones away at mealtimes (and tv off) and try to limit checking them at other times. He still does if we are out for a walk or in the park or whatever but I usually give him that jokey look which works! He sometimes even leaves it at home! Well, that's only occasional but I'm glad he's not as reliant on it. Now we all 3 have breakfast and dinner together everyday and lunch together at the weekends. We sit at the table and it's a chance to properly talk and catch-up. I know you have a lot of other issues to deal with in the relationship but it could be a start in terms of more meaningful time spent together and more open communication going on. I just had a quick look online and found these (good reminder for me too!):

www.kidspot.com.au/why-you-should-put-the-phone-down-around-the-kids/

childrenshospitalblog.org/do-as-i-say-not-as-i-do-why-parents-need-to-put-away-their-phones-around-the-kids/

www.handsfreemama.com/2012/05/07/how-to-miss-a-childhood/

Very lucky, my partner made me a cheese sandwich, not just any cheese, stripey cheese :0)

My partner has booked us another surprise holiday, hurray !

BTW I do the bins !