Am I going mad or is my husbund cheating?

[Kokeshi80]

Please bear with me I am very new to all this, feeling very scared, shaky, sick, angry, confused tired, sad, tearful etc.....here goes!!!

My hubby has come back from an amazing for him, life changing holiday. He met a whole new group of buddies and is making a massive effort to keep in touch and relive the experience. Which is great for him since he usually sits on his backside drinking in front of the tv. Not interacting with anyone me or the kids or his friends. So I'm thinking this could be great now. We have two children together.

Now, since him being back, he is a lot more chilled out, doesn't stress like he used too all sounds great I know.

I'm not going to go into past stuff between us as it was pretty dark. We have been seeing a counsellor Anyways he seems to have this totally different outlook on life from before.

It all started for me when he sat us down and showed us the beautiful photos of the setting where he went. Then came some pictures of him and some girls!!! Automatically inside I went all defensive, why are they sitting there like that with him? Do they not know he is married? My daughter looked at me in a strange way too. I was manifesting these pictures for a while. Maybe they are innocent maybe not. He even said he wasn't sure to show me incase I got the wrong idea, but he decided to anyway.

I thought one day I would look through his ipad at some photos, found out he had deleted some before his slide show, one of him and a girl in some water cave. Some other close ups of this girl too. Ok again I'm thinking could be completely innocent.
I eventually asked him about the pictures and he said I'm being stupid and he was just having fun with these girls! They are his new friends along with everyone else on the holiday guys and girls. Ok fine.

He has now changed the codes on his phone and iPad, always on the phone messaging people. From 6.30am through to 1am. Saying he is aloud his privacy. Ok cool!! Still making me wonder. As he has never been like this before getting a bit more concerned.

Especially this one particular girl. One weekend he went away, and stayed in a hotel as it was cheaper then getting a cab back. Fair enough, Very shady about his plans when I asked. Was on at me about getting my friends round whilst he was out so I can have a good time too.
When he came back I asked about his weekend. It turned out he was dropped off by this girl at the end of our lane so I didn't get mixed messages, she also came to pick him up when I was out. He only told me because he was spotted.
Then it turned out he shared a room with this girl this weekend away and apparently another guy too. It was a hotel room with two floors??
For some unknown reason I had an urge to check his beside draw and count our condoms. I'd brought a pack of 14 after his hols. We had sex twice so there should have been 12. I counted over and over again still came to ten. My heart is pounding feeling sick to the stomach maybe I got the amount wrong, went to the shop and checked whilst doing my shopping yep definitely 14 pack. So I counted again still ten. After a while once he was back. I thought right I'll check one more time and to my amazement there was 12!!!!!! I got quite angry and just had it out with him. He said I'm so not thorough with stuff I've probably missed counted. Mmmmmmm!!!

There is so much more stuff that's odd going on I don't want to bore you with it all. But I'm now feel I'm turning into some neurotic crazy bunny boiler wife. I have never ever felt this way before it is not me to feel like this.
We have been together for 15 years married 10 this year. He is very secretive about everything he does now. Doesn't really talk to me about anything much anymore apart from how much money he has made at work, and how he wants "cuddles" at night.
He has sworn to me and the counsellor that there is nothing going on. To be honest would he fess up in front of us both? I don't know.

One day I've got going through my head no way is he cheating then something crops up and I'm going backwards again. My moods are so up and down everytime I hear certain songs I cry. He is saying he doesn't know whether he is coming home to me happy or grumpy. I told him I feel insecure and do not trust him he says he is not responsible for my feelings. Well actually in my mind the way he is acting and behaving is making me feel like this so yeah he is responsible.

The past week we ive been making an effort to be intimate, as I'm worried if i don't he will ended up leaving. One night I refused as tired, he said I was so fucking boring then turned over went onto facebook and was back messaging.

I thought this week things were going ok, still having a doubt in my mind but trying not to let it get to me, I have sneakily found out his pass codes and was shocked to find more pictures of this girl, pornsites on his history and some flirty conversation on messenger. Wtf am I to do?

I am now seeing the same councillor on my own until I have worked out what's making me so insecure and not being able to trust people then the plan is to go back to couples counselling after.

So yeah thanks for reading if you got this far. Any advice or similar senarios and outcomes very most welcome.

If he isn't having an affair, he's hoping to.

Check the serial numbers match up on the condoms.
He may have taken a few hoping to get lucky and replaced them when he didn't?
Or replaced by topping up from another box.

Gosh, you poor thing, it must be exhausting to have all of this going round in your head. It seems to me you have been the opposite of possessive; he has had freedom to go on holiday without you and the family, not to mention the subsequent weekend away.
He is demonstrating classic cheating behaviour, I am afraid, the secrecy, the insults to you, the personality changes. I hope I am wrong.

He sounded like a lazy nasty piece of work before the solo holiday if I'm being honest

That's what I thought. He took 2 with him in case he got lucky. What was his reason behind sharing a room with the woman? If the hotel was fully booked could he not have stayed at another one? It does sound dodgy

So he's done a complete 180 in respect to his behaviour?

The condoms thing is strange. If he can buy them to replace them, he could have bought them for the weekend away. If you are certain you didn't miscount, that's just odd.

I often talk in a flirty friendly manner to men. Only men I know won't get the wrong idea tho. Messaging in such a way is not definitive proof of cheating/an affair.

If it helps, I'll tell you why I do it. I'm not in the happiest of relationships. I'm a nice person which is the most significant part of it. However, I also do it because even though it is jovial and completely innocent, it boosts my confidence. It reminds me that I am attractive and people find me this way. My partner often fails to remind me. It is hard after so many years together. We get used to our partners. Could this be your husband?

I'm so glad you are getting counselling together and separately. I imagine this will help you a lot

Sharing a hotel room with another female tho is definitely not acceptable. Even if it is innocent, I don't think someone would do it because of what it means or could mean.

Does he has previous for cheating? Not respecting your feelings?

I would also think he is displaying the hallmarks of a cheat.

"The past week we ive been making an effort to be intimate, as I'm worried if i don't he will ended up leaving"

Do not do the pick me dance. It will only further lower your own self worth.
In his own head I think he has already left.

You are insecure also because of his actions and behaviours post holiday. Its not you, its him. Its enough to make anyone suspicious of him.

What do you get out of this relationship now?. What needs of yours are being met here by him?. He does not come across well anyway, his own behaviour was not great before he went off on this holiday and without you and your children.

Do you actually think you would be better off without him in your lives day to day?.

What is your intuition like usually? Are there times in your life in the past when you have thought "I wish I had listened to my gut"

I don't think anyone can tell you whether or not he has cheated, we are no more a fly on the wall than you are. However, it sounds as though he does fancy the girl, probably does flirt with her and the idea of cheating, or perhaps he already is. The wanting "cuddles" combined with being absent in other respects suggests that he is wrestling with this and either he trying to find reasons to cheat, or trying to find reasons not to. In his head this will all depend upon what he perceives as your actions, intentions, will you, a) smother him with attention and sex and make yourself something he wants to stay with, b) will you continue to be sad, bad company and not very entertaining. He won't see this for what it really is, and that his actions determine how you behave towards him, this is because he is looking for excuses to cheat and reasons to stay. Sorry

ChumpLady has some good general information on the pick me dance:-

"One of the most common mindfucks the cheated upon may experience after discovery of an affair, is the expectation that they will try harder to win back the cheater. This expectation either comes from the cheater directly – “I cheated because you’re a lousy ” – and how are you going to up your game to keep me? Or it comes from the codependency of the betrayed spouse – “What did I do to make him cheat? And how can I be a better partner to make him stay?” Often both dynamics are at play, and feed into each other. The cheater, of course, is quite happy to pin this shit on you.

When terrible things happen, it’s very natural to want to feel a sense of control. To think, oh if I’d only done X, Y would not have resulted. If you are at fault, the reasoning goes, well, then you could FIX this. (Codependents love to fix things.) So you will take this crappy situation, and think you can control the outcome by just trying harder.

This is a bad idea for several reasons. First, you aren’t at fault for another’s cheating. That’s on them. As they say in therapy about people behaving self destructively – the Three C Rule – “you didn’t CAUSE it, you cannot CURE it, and you cannot CONTROL it.”

of course he is cheating

trying to twist it round to anything other than that is plain madness

You poor thing, it all sounds horrible. Absolutely awful.

Can I ask if you've had an equal opportunity to have a holiday and a weekend away or were your husbands trips part of you trying to understand the poor wee sausage needed a break and hope it made him want married life more.

Oh K, so sorry to hear this. You're not going mad, although your DH may be trying to persuade you that you are - not unheard of!. I don't think he hoping for an affair/s, I think from your evidence and what you have said that he has done it. Holiday (without you/family) + girls + one particular girl + adventure + continued contact + deceptions (lies, photos, phone, emails, lift) + missing condoms = he's playing away.

Please, don't let him lie to you any more. People do it because they know you are/may be in love with them, you could be vulnerable, and you want to believe what you have been told to save your marriage. Unless its an 'open' style marriage you are going for, take the initiative now; protect yourself and continue or end it on your terms. He's the cheater.

Good luck in coping with this.

If he isn't cheating, he wants to.

Personally I would never share a room with the opposite sex, I'd certainly be upfront with my DH if that were likely. You can check out whether that hotel has rooms over 2 floors.

I'd also do my utmost to reassure my DH if any behaviour of mine made him feel uncomfortable or insecure. I'd not blame him or tell him he was boring. I'd not change my security settings and I'd not turn my back on him to be in contact with others whilst in bed. Fucking disgraceful!

I'm sorry but he's pissing you around and I personally would not put up with that.

A woman picked him up at the end of your road and took him to a hotel over night where they shared a bedroom and dropped him back off at the end of your road?

Yes, he is cheating on your relationship.

Sharing a room with someone of the opposite sex is not on at all. I often go away with a friend of the opposite sex (we have both lost our partners) but because we are FRIENDS and nothing more, we pay single supplement on two rooms. That is what honorable people do.

As for changing his passwords, well that is typical of a cheater who is hiding something.

Time for the talk I think. Only you can decide if you can forgive cheating or not.

Hes a prick for gas lighting because how dare you question anything he does when the truth is plain and obvious.

I think the personality transplant is a major red flag.

Im so sorry op!

he sounds really horrible.
and lazy.
why can't he take you on one of his holidays?
he has cheated or else he wants to cheat - one is as bad as the other.
he's a fucking loser.
get rid.

Thank you all so much for your replies. I think what you are all saying confirms my gut feeling.

I guess I'm in denial of this all, hence the emotions I'm gong through. Due to my situation and job I'm kind of screwed if I leave him.
The type of holiday he went on was for a hobby of his. It's not my thing. I have my hobby but he belittles that as it's not as fun.
He has however let me go on a holiday on my own to see a relative.

The confusing thing for me is that he does tell me I'm beautiful, sexy, cuddles me all the time in bed. Doesn't really say bye in the morning on way to work. It's always down to me to organise or put effort into what we do.
If I come up with suggestions he's not that bothered. I've also said I can come and watch him do his hobby but he's like not much to see. I've offered for him to bring his new mates over and have a get together here but doesn't seem that enthusiastic.
We are not friends in Facebook as before all this happened he would grab my phone at any opportunity put inappropriate status n my wall and belittle my comments so that's why I had a code on my phone.

Which I keep telling him as he argues why he has a code. Slightly different reason.

I think this is a make or break time now. Although I'm still waiting for that moment I catch him out so then I have real evidence and he can't turn it al around on me and make me feel so shit and I'm having fantasies of him cheating.

With regards to us having holidays we had a huge holiday last year. It was his first time away long haul too.

I'm hoping we can do something together with the kids too

"A woman picked him up at the end of your road and took him to a hotel over night where they shared a bedroom and dropped him back off at the end of your road?

Yes, he is cheating on your relationship."

This. If I went on holiday and made a bunch of new friends, one of the first things I'd do is invite them over for dinner, or arrange a social event with them, so that DH could meet them. Partly because I'd assume anyone I liked DH might also like, and partly because otherwise it would seem weird to me. Especially if one was a man, TBH. It's just good manners, in a relationship really, you don't do stuff that might make people wonder if you're cheating on them, whether you are or not.

Not saying if you'd met the girl it would be different, but your DH avoiding having you meet her just seems bizarre to me. And I don't believe for a second his bullshit, blaming 'oh well I knew YOU wouldn't like it' thing.

There is a part of me that maybe it's all a game, he has got me in a vulnerable position, is enjoying the attention, he has lost a hell of a lot of weight so his ego must be booming he is known for being manipulative I'm fully aware of it. Just trying to stay one step ahead. Also the way I feel at the moment I want to scratch the
girls heart out if I meet her

It's him you need to worry about not her. Sounds like he's cheated and he's a waste of space from where I'm sitting

Of course he is cheating. How obvious does he have to be. Next time he goes to meet his new " friend " pack his things in black bin liners , put them outside the door. Lock the doors , text him to tell him he's dumped and to get a good solicitor. Meanwhile , get all your ducks in a row re finances etc. The man is treating you like an idiot. Please tell me you are not cooking , washing and ironing for him ? Tell him to get his " friend " to service him.

OP, I honestly don't think it matters if he is cheating or not.

He does not respect you. You deserve so much better. Please leave now with your head held high.

Also, you say you have kids - do you have a daughter? What would you say to her if she was in a relationship like this?

Would you tell her she needs to run around trying everything to make herself 'good enough' for this tosser? Go to counselling, go on holiday, don't nag, have sex, pay attention?

Or would you tell her how beautiful and amazing she is and how much more she deserves than this life?

Maybe its all a game?? Or maybe it just is what it is...

You're painting a rather unfavorable picture of him...what do you actually see in him other than him throwing a few nice words at you occasionally? Anyone can do that..what about his actions though?

You can't make excuses for him forever.

you have posted about him before, right ?

he's just getting to get more brazen if you don't call him out on this

at the moment, it looks like he can tell you any ole shit and you will just swallow it