Support needed after long abusive marriage ends

[Rozalia]

I hope some of you can give me some wisdom and support. I've written posts here several times lately then deleted because I got overwhelmed with trying to explain my situation.

My abusive- in- every - way husband finally moved out 6 weeks ago. He had been stringing me along for a couple of years about whether he would go or not, which had been agony as I hadn't recognised the abuse and just thought if only I could do better he would love me again like he used to.
We had been married 18 years. Thanks to MN, Relationships & various links I had learnt that I was in a horribly abusive marriage. The physical stuff - slapping, shoving, punching where bruises wouldn't show - had stopped 6 or 7 years ago. Everything else, verbal, emotional, financial & sexual had carried on though.
" loving me again like he used to" was me missing those early, intense, sweeping me off my feet days. All red flags but I didn't know then, and 20 years ago most people didn't. No internet for most people, no MN, no Lundy Bancroft, no Freedom Programme. 50s values still very influential, believe it or not.
Now, I am likely to be financially ok, I have a good solicitor, familiar with the ways of abusers. He is trying to be fair, by his lights, but of course this is part of his keeping control. However, I know I am very damaged by nearly 2 decades of his cruelty. Although I doubt ( or hope) it isn't apparent to others, I know I feel adrift in a strange world a lot of the time. I think, from what people say and how they behave, that I come over as calm, capable, got my act together. Inside however, it varies from a howling void to scrambled string for a brain or horrible pain and yearning for something that didn't really exist.
To complicate things further, and trying not to out myself by being specific, within days of his leaving I had 2 major Life Events, seriously unhappy ones, and have had another this week. If anyone has really pissed off the gods, it's me. I'm expecting a plague of boils any day now.
I so much need some encouragement, guidance, been-there-too, anything really so I don't feel so isolated. Like a classic abuser he isolated me from friends and family from the start. I have a very few friends I've made despite his best efforts and I have my children. I don't like burdening them though. He is their step dad and he gets on ok with some, not at all with others.
This is so long. I'm sorry, I've actually tried to be brief, put things in a nutshell.
I have to get over the years of abuse and not have the rest of my life spoilt by this. I want to build a new life that I like. I've made a start but I'm tired of feeling so alone with it.

Congratulations on getting your freedom back.

It's such early days that it's so bewildering to know what to think. Who am I? How did this happen to me? Can I cope? Will he leave me alone now? What about the dc's? Who are my friends?

All I can say is you have just entered unchartered territory and its a bit daunting sometimes but you already know what you want (a new life) it's just trying to move towards that every day. Just try and do one thing everyday that gets you to your goal.

Call a friend and have coffee.
Make the divorce petition.
Put aside £100 towards a holiday.
Post on MN for support.
Tale up a hobby you've always
wanted to do
Go to bed early
Listen to your favourite music
Go to your favourite beauty spot and just take it in

Whatever it is, just one thing a day and it'll all work out. I think patience with yourself is the key, you've had 20 years of cruelty and it will (however unfair this is) take time to heal.

Thanks LadyBlaBlah. He seems to want me available at the end of the phone for whenever he needs to talk. I only get in touch if absolutely necessary, so only a handful of times in 6 weeks. I'll feel more able to go NC once the divorce and settlement is sorted. At the moment I feel very wary of him.
I've one to a couple of events he'd have never been interested in. I've enjoyed them but it's strange being on my own after so long. But it has helped me see how very, very rarely we did things I wanted to. It was all on his terms, the price in moods, sulks, sheer nastiness if we watched a film or went somewhere I wanted to wasn't worth paying. So this is a rediscovery.

Hi Rozalia, I also went through a very long abusive marriage and am now divorced. Separated for four years, divorced for 18 months because he strung the process out as long as he could to try and keep control.

I can honestly say that life gets better all the time. My ex also isolated me and I believed him when he told me I was dull, unattractive and boring so no-one would ever even want to be my friend.

Now I have a good group of friends who I know actually like me and I absolutely love living on my own. I'm probably bit damaged in that I don't ever want another relationship, but I am happy with that decision and in my fifties I think I am old enough to make up my own mind.

I found the most helpful thing was to think that if was going to create myself a new life I wanted it to be the right one for me in every way and I wanted to be the person I had potential to be. So I spent a long time thinking about what I like (since I wasn't even sure about that) and this has resulted in wholesale house redecoration, a change in the way I lead my social life (I HATE parties and love going to talks or for a coffee) and a complete career change which will see me starting right at the bottom again. I don't care, I know it is right for me.

I found seeing a counsellor extremely useful since my longest lasting hangover was a real anger both at him and at myself for allowing him to waste the best years of my life. That still flares up sometimes, but generally I have learned to be kind to myself. It is really useful to have someone to talk to who will just let you moan and you know it will be kept confidential. Make sure you find the right one though, don't accept any of these apologists who just want to bleat about how you have to accept your part in the breakdown of the marriage. I truly believe that does not apply in an abusive relationship.

I also try and build as many small pleasures into each day as I can. Good coffee, pure cotton sheets, five minutes sitting in the garden watching the birds and so on. I love the threads about small free or nearly free things which give you huge pleasure and try and adopt as many as appeal to me. Each one feels like a small victory!

You will get fantastic support here on the relationships thread from lots of women who have been through similar experiences to yours so keep posting.

Rozalia I am sorry to hear about your situation - being on your own is hard. My husband walked out and left me without saying anything beforehand about 6 weeks ago as well. While I have not been in an EA relationship, I can identify with what you say about being alone. We recently moved to this area to retire and I only have 2 friends here. I have come from a situation where I had a very active social life and many acquaintances to a situation where I can go days without speaking to anyone. This is the problem with modern day comms - easy to whatsapp and no need to call although I am very grateful for whatsapp with my distant friends. I do not have a job as I have been many years out of the job market ( 30 years) and I am 59 years old. My husband wants a life on his own and we will get divorced if he can ever get over how " unhappy" he feels and actually do the stuff he is supposed to. I try to go out every day but there is a lot of pain in that as well - I see other people and it is a reflection of how my life was ( when my son was young e.g.) or how my life " should " have been now - as part of a retired couple. I know it is very early days. It is easy for people to say oh do this, do that when you don't have the appetite for it. I have always been quite an independent person but am now struggling and feel " quite old" . I do get out though e.g. I like going to the cinema so go to whatever is on. Easter not so good as loads of kids' movies on now! Fresh air is good for you but I also know the comfort of my own place. I feel guilty at times especially when I read some of the posts on here of much younger women with children to look after in devastating situations. Like you I will be financially OK. I am sorry that I have written so much about myself but hope that it makes you realise you are not the only one out there. If you want to PM me then please feel free to do so. Not so familiar with this facility and need to check on that. It's a horrible day today weather wise - it doesn't help.Sending you a - must have had millions in the past 6 weeks when unable to eat . Sending you all the best !

Andrise I strongly think that I want this part of my life to be the right one for me too. There are always compromises in life, but there are some things I definitely don't want in my life - difficult toxic people for example - and some I do. I have a great love for the outdoors and environmental matters so I'm attending events and alms around that subject as well as getting outside each day.
I have seen a counsellor and she is very good. Very experienced and with a background in mental health. She's realistic about my situation and seems to understand the kind of man my husband is. I've not seen her as much lately, every few months but perhaps it would be a good idea to go see her again.
Wiseone what a shock that must have been. Just after you'd moved from your friends and support network too. Don't apologise for writing so much, we can all learn from each other. I've been forcing myself to do things instead of becoming a recluse, although it is very tempting to hide away. I spend a lot of time out of my comfort zone too.

Be kind to yourself and be patient, OP. It is difficult in the early days to know what's what, since everything has revolved around someone else for so long that you don't even know what your own likes and dislikes are sometimes.

Enjoy all the little things you can do now which you couldn't before. For me it was sitting down with a coffee when I wanted, and watching tv when the DCs were in bed. Oh and the joy of a bed to myself!

I told my H it was over almost two years ago and moved out about 18 months ago, and already the 14-year relationship seems like a bad dream a lot of the time. My life has moved on in ways I wouldn't have thought possible, six weeks out.

In short, hold on in there. It gets easier.

I agree with the PP. It definitely does get easier. When I look back over all the years I spent with my exH I can barely remember any of it now, it all seems in the dim and distant past. When I see him now at child handover times he seems like a grey, faded stranger and I can't see what I ever saw in him or why I let him be the centre of my life for so long.

In contrast, my life now is busy and happy and lived in full colour. Your interest in the environment sounds great. We all need a personal campaign with a moral element to it in my view. Go for it!

Your posts are very encouraging, CharlotteCollins and Andrise. He had limited us both so much.
Here's what I really, really don't understand. I can now see clearly that he is an abuser. I've been treading on eggshells for so long it's second nature. I've been crushed as a person. I can see my life improving already. Yet I still feel hurt and rejected. I still cry and feel sad. Why? What the hell is wrong with me? I just don't understand myself. It defies logic. What's going on?

It's just human to be hurt by bad treatment.

And we have to grieve what should have been - that great relationship we thought we had at some points and thought was within our grasp for a long time - before we can let it go and move on.

The emotions really took me by surprise when I left, because I had suppressed all emotion for so long. I'm not sure why, but I didn't give myself permission to feel stuff while I was married. I think it was protection.

And then when I did, it was intense! My counsellor told me that feelings can't be right or wrong, they are just useful indicators of what's going on inside, what you think. So take notice of them, they are important, although you shouldn't make decisions just based on them.

I don't know if that's obvious to most people, but I found it really helpful.

Feelings aren't logical, though.....we can still feel attached to, and grieve for, people we once cared for, even when they've done us much harm. I've no idea why that happens. I only know that it does, but it does pass.

It's very early days, and the end of a long and abusive relationship: it would be surprising if you didn't suffer considerable emotional turbulence and upset. I think CharlotteCollins is spot on about the suppression of feelings too. When you have freedom to feel again, it can come back pretty intensely.

So hang in there and be kind to yourself: don't berate yourself, or think you are wrong to feel what you feel ...

That all makes so much sense. I had been stuffing my feelings away, he'd always behaved badly but these last 3 years he had become much worse. I was in a state of even higher anxiety as well as terribly hurt by what he said and did. Yet I kept on with life, trying to prove to him our marriage was good and I was worth keeping. I was "allowed" to do more so I took up two volunteer jobs as I realised I may need to earn a living. I needed some experience and references. For most of the last 18 years I was only allowed to clean the house or do what he wanted.
That sounds crazy doesn't it? Who would allow themselves to live like that? It was so gradual, Rules were established and I was constantly off balance. Sometimes he'd be so loving and romantic, other times raging and punching me over something totally ridiculous. I couldn't think straight.
For much of the last 3 years I've been doing the Pick Me dance without knowing it, not knowing OW was on the scene. He's not with her now, not that it matters, but her life was totally wrecked and she gave up her home, family ( including3 children) and job. Another victim really, believing his promises and lies. He absolutely wrecks people's lives in pursuit of what he wants at the time.
This is going on a bit .
trackrBird and Charlotte, I see what you mean, all those suppressed feelings are emerging which is healthy and normal, if very painful. I feel better for knowing that.
I suppose I could have just said that^^ really but it is such a relief and release to let some of this out.

Oh definitely it all needs to come out, don't worry about long posts. That was the one stage of my life I needed counselling. The relief of talking about it after so many years of hiding it!

That poor OW. There's a sentence that's not often said! They cause such destruction, these men, it's all so unfair.

Have a good day, OP.

I emailed my counsellor today for an appointment. He keeps getting in touch, trying to do everything on his terms and it isn't doing me any good. But I am wary of attempting NC. I did that last time he left and he had a "breakdown", severe anxiety. Couldn't function. I think if I tried again it might get out of hand.
Writing that makes me realise I'm placating him again at my own expense. God, he's good at this.

By "he" I mean husband, not counsellor.
And I placate husband because I'm afraid of him.

So what if he has a breakdown? He's a working adult. He can get a counsellor if he wants.

I'm curious, what mental health professional help did he seek out last time he had a breakdown? None?

If you were genuinely that ill you would seek help wouldn't you? Unless of course you weren't genuinely ill, if you were just using it as a tactic to get your own way.

Is his mental health the absolute dogs bollocks, cast iron guarantor, mother of all of tactics to make you do what he wants?

Has he threatened suicide yet? Will you cave if he does?

He did get medical help, he was quite ill and still on medication. However I'm sure he also found it useful to put pressure on me through children.

I'm not afraid he'll have another breakdown if I go NC, just that he'll react dramatically and unreasonably. I'd feel better able to cope with all that if I wasn't also dealing with the other difficult situations. One of which is the death of a parent I loved very much and was close to. Dealing with that has made me less resilient.
I think he'd get very angry and start threatening to not be reasonable over money and other things. I'm mourning the death of a parent and the end of my marriage all at once. So I'm buckling a bit under the strain and don't want him kicking off.

It is surprising how many men have " breakdowns" when things don't go their way.

Good news, I have a part time job in a field I love. This is such a huge step forward for me, my husband never let me work. Just suggesting it would bring the angriest response, escalating until I backed right off. He even persuaded me I was unemployable. What a bastard! To crush someone else's self esteem like that.
But now, a job! With potential for further hours and responsibilities. I realise I'm at the point in my 'career' that many 20 year olds are at. But it's a start.
Discovered this morning that husband had been through my paperwork, nothing I can prove, sometime when I was out. Makes me uneasy, to say the least and I'm sure I'm not imagining it. He is so deceitful.

Oh congratulations Rozalia!
I'm so pleased for you, that you now have work in a field you love.
Here's to your success, and some new beginnings for you

Wish I'd celebrated with a glass of wine now .
And I just received a text message telling me £4865 is waiting for me, for that accident I had. (What accident? Perhaps I suffered amnesia.) It's certainly my day!

That's brilliant about the job, OP. Congratulations! I, too, got a job within a few months of leaving and had never believed working to be possible while I was with him, he made it all so difficult. It accentuated the feeling that my life had completely changed and increased the distance from the old, bad life. I hope it does the same for you, I'm sure it will.

Cheers!

I am two years on from my 24 year marriage breakdown. It is tough, but it gets better. My life is transformed, but absolutely wonderful, now that I am out of a marriage to an old misery guts! I met a wonderful guy 6 weeks after we split - totally not looking for it, but so right for me, a joyous, happy man, so supportive.
A couple of practical ideas - likeWisewoman I had moved, so I joined a number of Meet Ups & now have a good local social network.
Try imagery - very soon after we split, I imagined him in a tiny little boat, drifting out to sea, & then disappearing from view as he drifted over the horizon. I would close my eyes & picture this regularly, and it seemed to eliminate the psychological control I felt he had over me.
When the bad letters come from the solicitors, my mantra was " words on a page, words on a page." Which reduced their effect on me considerably. (This assumes he does what mine did : go to lawyers & tell a load of lies!)
Believe this: out of this trouble & upheaval will come enormous change for the better, a life you can take pleasure in, on your terms.

Charlotte -he made it all so difficult.

Ten years ago I persuaded him to "let" me volunteer in a charity shop 2 half days a week. Apart from going on about the manager allegedly leering at me ( he didn't, he was gay, for a start), he scheduled electricians and plumbers for the times I was working. Repeatedly. We were having work done on our house. In the end I gave up.

This time round, he'd call me when I was getting ready for work and hold me up. If i ignored the calls, he'd text, call the house phone, mobile, on and on until I answered. You can imagine my stress levels. One volunteer role involved answering the phone to the public. One day he took it into his head to keep calling me to hear what I sounded like.

I'm working on building up,a social life. Lots of events scheduled connected to my work, lots of chances to meet new people.
Psychological control is the big thing. I know he's going to hate anything to do with the divorce that isn't on his terms. I have a great solicitor who has seen it all before, which really helps.
Your last sentence Moanranger, gives me a lot of hope.

Wow. He sounds awful! Mine did similar things actually, from time to time, although mainly he relied on small DCs at home and no support from him to wear me down...

I already worked when XH met me, and when the DC came along it became clear he couldn't earn enough to support us, so I insisted on carrying on (and taking every little extra paying job I could find, whilst trying to raise 4 DC with the other hand, but that's another chapter). He tried fairly strenuously to get me to give up the day job, as he had seen one of those programmes about someone living the life of Riley in a mansion on benefits but, strangely, I didn't buy it. The income was very handy when it came to paying for a solicitor.

He is awful Charlotte and more people see through him than he realises. However a handsome face and superficial charm fools some. Fooled me at first .
Annie well done, resisting the cushy life in a mansion. You must have worked so hard and it helped you leave. Finances kept me stuck for years, believing what he told me. " If you don't keep me happy, you'll end up living in some horrible little dump somewhere, you'll always be on benefits, you're unemployable" etc etc.

This week I realised that for my main meal I could just do some kind of tray bake of assorted vegetables and chicken or fish. Just put it in the oven and 30 minutes later, dinner. I've been so used to coming up with imaginative meals night after night I hadn't thought outside that. As I couldn't face whipping up a bechamel sauce or the like, I've lived on cornflakes and toast mostly for over 6 weeks now. Or gone hungry then gorged on chocolate.
Maybe this is a sign my brain is functioning again.

Also had a knicker break through. Was reading the seriously good knickers thread and lots of the recommended pants were the ones I'd bought, only to have them tsked at disapprovingly as not sexy enough. So I'd relegated them to period pants, feeling like some kind of dowdy frump. Ffs, even my knicker choices weren't my own. Tomorrow, I buy new drawers, that I want to wear and that he'll never set eyes on. Unless he rummages through my knicker drawer like he did my filing cabinet. Not unlikely.