Support needed after long abusive marriage ends

[Rozalia]

I hope some of you can give me some wisdom and support. I've written posts here several times lately then deleted because I got overwhelmed with trying to explain my situation.

My abusive- in- every - way husband finally moved out 6 weeks ago. He had been stringing me along for a couple of years about whether he would go or not, which had been agony as I hadn't recognised the abuse and just thought if only I could do better he would love me again like he used to.
We had been married 18 years. Thanks to MN, Relationships & various links I had learnt that I was in a horribly abusive marriage. The physical stuff - slapping, shoving, punching where bruises wouldn't show - had stopped 6 or 7 years ago. Everything else, verbal, emotional, financial & sexual had carried on though.
" loving me again like he used to" was me missing those early, intense, sweeping me off my feet days. All red flags but I didn't know then, and 20 years ago most people didn't. No internet for most people, no MN, no Lundy Bancroft, no Freedom Programme. 50s values still very influential, believe it or not.
Now, I am likely to be financially ok, I have a good solicitor, familiar with the ways of abusers. He is trying to be fair, by his lights, but of course this is part of his keeping control. However, I know I am very damaged by nearly 2 decades of his cruelty. Although I doubt ( or hope) it isn't apparent to others, I know I feel adrift in a strange world a lot of the time. I think, from what people say and how they behave, that I come over as calm, capable, got my act together. Inside however, it varies from a howling void to scrambled string for a brain or horrible pain and yearning for something that didn't really exist.
To complicate things further, and trying not to out myself by being specific, within days of his leaving I had 2 major Life Events, seriously unhappy ones, and have had another this week. If anyone has really pissed off the gods, it's me. I'm expecting a plague of boils any day now.
I so much need some encouragement, guidance, been-there-too, anything really so I don't feel so isolated. Like a classic abuser he isolated me from friends and family from the start. I have a very few friends I've made despite his best efforts and I have my children. I don't like burdening them though. He is their step dad and he gets on ok with some, not at all with others.
This is so long. I'm sorry, I've actually tried to be brief, put things in a nutshell.
I have to get over the years of abuse and not have the rest of my life spoilt by this. I want to build a new life that I like. I've made a start but I'm tired of feeling so alone with it.

So inspired by Bubble's thread I've started exercising again. One day is not a habit though. I used to exercise regularly until The Abusive Bastard (TAB) started his last campaign of cruelty. All through the marriage my weight had fluctuated wildly while Tab watched every mouthful I ate and commented on it. Every time he hugged me he'd be checking my body fat levels and disapproving if it was too much. I'm surprised I didn't develop an eating disorder, 18 years of this.
So now I'll exercise for me, because it helps me feel good, sheds the comfort eating fat and improves my heart health. 3 grandparents died in their 60s from heart disease. As they were my birth family I gave no idea what their lifestyles were like. Might have feasted daily on deep fried Mars bars for all I know. And I think they all smoked. So to give myself a fighting chance I'll get exercising again.

You know, when I write things down like Tab's controlling interest in my weight and underwear I'm shocked at just what an abusive shit he is. Tip of the iceberg too, yet he thinks he's a good guy. A pp said it's normal to feel hurt when you've been treated badly, so I comfort myself that I feel hurt and angry because of that, not because I'm a doormat who wants him back. Because I don't.

Rozalia, you are doing great even if you don't think so! I did the same with the same abuse but without an OW. To be honest I think an OW would have made it easier for me in a weird way. He's probably wanting frequent chats because she's not on the scene anymore (if I read that right?). I also wasn't allowed to work, I seriously wish I'd found MN years ago!

My life now is fabulous, the DCs are happier than ever. My XH is and always will be a twat but that's not my problem

As far as I know, she's not on the scene. Now he's practically a single man I think he's planning on someone " better". I know him well enough to know he's unlikely to want a woman who cheated on her husband and walked out on her children. Even if she cheated with him.
Personally, I think they deserve each other.
I'm so thankful for MN, it's been an inspiration, education and support. Synergy, all these women sharing their experiences and knowledge.

Every time someone post such a positive story HellKitty, I am strengthened.

Rozalia and others sorry to hear what you've been through and that things are tough at present, but you've done a very strong and difficult thing breaking away. Think of it as getting rid of an old, broken pair of shoes. You miss the old ones at first as they seem more comfortable as they are what you've become accustomed to, and the new ones pinch a bit at times. But, once you've gotten used to the new ones in various terrains, you get more comfortable and realize how much better for you the new shoes are!!

I found "Co-dependent no-more" by Melodie Beatty very useful to help detach emotionally and realize more fully I'm not responsible for PA EA ex's happiness or otherwise.

Once you continue to build new experiences, such as work, meeting new people and new situations without him being able to sabotage (what he was doing sounds exhausting and awful!!) your confidence and energy will continue to grow. Best of luck and keep posting for support.