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Original poster

Useless ex has the DC for one week for the first time. What should I pack?

48 replies

Namechanger2015 · 29/03/2015 10:08

So my useless stbxh is taking the DC to stay with his parents for a week over Easter.

He is pretty shit at supervising the children and doing things with them - perhaps the odd trip to the park and then generally watches shit TV and expects them to sit quietly and watch with him. He doesn't like them running around, making noise or arguing which would result in his having to get off his arse and be an actual parent.

One example - we went to a cafe. He had DD2, I was picking up DD1 from a dance class and called him to say I'm running late.
Him: ok. What shall I feed DD2 (aged 5)?
Me: I don't know! Ask her
Him: well what time did she eat this morning? Did she eat? Will she even be hungry now?
Me: Ask her, she is sat right next to you!

He has always defaulted parenting to me.

So what should I pack for DDs? everything, lots of activity books, colouring reading etc or just minimal stuff so he actually realises he has to get up and do things, buy them things and actually be a parent?

I don't want the kids to have a miserable week with him but equally I need him to pull his weight.

How have you approached this?

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 29/03/2015 10:09

DDs are aged 7, 5 and 2 so still young.

OP posts:
sosix · 29/03/2015 10:12

How dud you have 3 dcs with this thing?Confused

addictedtosugar · 29/03/2015 10:14

Tough one.
I'd be tempted to pack some crayons, a pad of plain, coloured paper and a packet of balloons.
Lots of options of what to do, but would need input from an adult in most cases?

What would happen if there were, for example, insufficient nappies?

I'd also be tempted to put in some mini eggs, so there is something for Sunday.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 29/03/2015 10:24

I'd be tempted to pack numerous cans of redbull just to make it a really interesting & 'hands on' week of parent/child interaction Grin Make some subtle suggestions about what dad likes to do & enjoy the haunted/exhausted look he'll have when he drops them back Wink

On a serious note, couple of favourite books/toy & lots of crayons/paper. Or, lots pc colouring pens which, if not supervised, will result in lovely redecoration of his parents home.

Cabrinha · 29/03/2015 10:25

Pack nothing.
He has to learn, and you can't control this or pack enough to cover the week anyway.
There are 3 of them so they can entertain each other if they have to.

I have a similar useless ex (phone calls about how much Calpol to give - read the fucking box?) so I am more sympathetic than my reply sounds.

But you really need to step away.

shirleybasseyslovechild · 29/03/2015 10:27

stop organising him. pack their clothes and let him deal with the rest.
He'll soon learn.
enjoy the break !

TheWhiteRoad · 29/03/2015 10:32

I wouldn't pack anything but their special comfort toy or blankie if they have one.

Let him do everything else. If you get into packing for him, when will it end? Let him get on with being a parent.

They won't have a miserable week. He is a grown man and he will learn. Don't enable him by doing the packing.

I know this is hard. My ex was useless while we were together. But he has learned. E.g. He now turns up for drop offs with water for the kids, snacks and activities for the car. When we were married this was my job. Your ex will learn too. It's not rocket science.

Carrie5608 · 29/03/2015 10:36

I think mainly concentrate on things Dc would be distressed without. So teddies they cant sleep without, favouite bedtime books, prescription medicine if they need any. Then a couple of things like colouring in etc and then maybe a list eg. little Dc won't go to sleep without x or if Dc1 gets upset try x etc

Yeah he does need to work it out but there is no point punishing the Dc too make a point.

I had Dbro's 3 dc 4,3 and 3 months for three days and I made it clear I was only taking them with a full instruction manual which he then made and called "Instructions on how to operate Dc1, Dc2 and Dc3" Grin but it was invaluable and saved a lot of tears.
I have 4 dc of my own so I wasn't clueless to start but all Dc are different.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 29/03/2015 10:58

Hmm. I'll pack a few basics and then leave them to it I guess.

He has never ever had the DDs for this long. Longest has been 2/3 days whilst I travelled for work, but this was usually over a school day and just ended up being 1.5 days of him alone with them.

He will probably also go to his sisters house for a few days. This is 3 hours drive away. When married I used to take iPads and films for the DDs to watch on the way as its a tough journey for them.
But if I pack iPads now they will spend all of their week glued to the screen, and then after a few hours he will shout at them and tell them to find something else to do. But won't help them to actually do something else.

I don't know why I had 3 DC with him. He is an arse. But I love them to bits so absolutely no regrets.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 29/03/2015 11:08

What are his parents like with the DCs?

Do they enjoy each other's company?

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 29/03/2015 11:17

His parents are pretty much the same really. They are lovely and very kind, they love the DDs but don't really do anything with them.

MIL once came to stay for a week, the TV would go on at 8/9am and she would watch all day till around 10pm. She would try to persuade DDs to cuddle in a blanket and watch with her. But it was a foreign language religious channel she would watch all day so they were not interested and would just leave her to it.

They don't seem to know how or what they should do with children apart from TV (even on hot summers days) or occasional trips to the park. Even then it's always the same park at the end of the road.

They seem to lack an imagination, but also, one of my gripes with him and family has been that they don't seem to know how to enjoy themselves or be happy. They all sit at home and let life pass them by.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 29/03/2015 11:21

Old clothes - nothing nice as it is possible that it will not be recognised as nice and therefore trashed by accident whilst being worn in appropriately.
Enjoy the peace

wallypops · 29/03/2015 11:32

Nothing but teddy. No clothes, he should have at least a couple of changes and pyjamas for them unless he has specifically requested that you pack stuff.
Tough shit for him I'm afraid. Otherwise you'll be doing this for the next 18 years and he will never step up. And it will always be your fault because you forgot to pack something.

Vivacia · 29/03/2015 11:47

No clothes??

TheWhiteRoad · 29/03/2015 11:55

I don't pack clothes for my kids. My ex has his own supply of clothes for them at his house. The only clothes I pack are 'his' clothes they were wearing when I picked them up. These I wash and return.

Singleandproud · 29/03/2015 11:57

I let DD (5) pack a little rucksack with things she wants to take and that's it. With a couple of hair/head bands in and her preferred toothpaste.

I send her in old clothes now - because I never get nice ones back or they are ripped/ stained. I ask him if he needs any clothes for her and pass over a bag I would be charity shopping or binning anyway.

meglet · 29/03/2015 11:59

as it's the first time I'd pack everything. he's unlikely to buck his ideas up and the dc's will have rotten time without something to do.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 29/03/2015 12:00

He doesn't have a supply of clothes yet, we have only been seperated 2 months so this is the first long sleepover they have with him. First one was a weekend, I packed their clothes, he washed returned them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 29/03/2015 12:11

meglet yes that is my fear that they will have a miserable time.

Part of this worry is probably because it's the longest I've been away from them.

He is having them whilst I go on holiday for a week, which is unusually generous of him. I am a little anxious about being away from them for so long.

OP posts:
Fairenuff · 29/03/2015 12:22

I would just pack the clothes that they need. They won't have a miserable time because happy children mean happy parents. So he will figure it out for himself.

Vivacia · 29/03/2015 12:25

I had been thinking of this as if I was packing for a trip to see relatives - where you try to be as helpful as possible. I can see that it's a different situation when it's with a parent.

I suppose with the clothes it depends how helpful you want to be. A back pack each with favourite teddy and books and a change of undies seems the least you should do.

meglet · 29/03/2015 12:25

if it helps get the ball rolling and gets him and the dc's used to it then it might be worth sucking it up and organising their stuff.

maybe he'll find his feet after a few visits.

and I speak as someone whose XP refused to alter visits if it meant him losing weekend lie ins. I'm under more illusion how thoughtless some people can be.

Original poster
Namechanger2015 · 29/03/2015 12:49

I've packed their homework and some reading books. And iPads as they really hate long journeys.

I have supplied just two nappies and asked him to get more plus toothpaste etc. Will be helpful but give him some direction. He was a lazy shit with the kids and so he is utterly clueless. He is trying so I am going to be semi nice about this.

He is an idiot for turning up with no nappies though. It's a Sunday for fucks sake, everything shuts early. Where was he going to magic them up from?

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 29/03/2015 13:01

Where I live (in cosmopolitan Berkshire), the supermarkets are all open for 6 hours on Sundays (often 11-5) AND the garages sell nappies in the forecourt shops.

I realise you're v newly separated and still very raw, but you either have to:

A) Give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him;
B) Pay for a better standard of childcare while you go away on holiday without the kids.

It doesn't sound like he's putting them in danger. They'll be with family. Presumably he loves them. You're going to be separated/divorced a LONG LONG TIME so you need to stop trying to control everything or you'll go insane with worry.

I know the first trip away is really hard. But unless you give him responsibility, he won't step up.

TheWhiteRoad · 29/03/2015 13:27

You can get nappies from any corner shop or most petrol stations.

I know it's hard. I've been where you are.

But you have to let go and let him sink or swim on his own. He presumably loves his children. He wants to spend time with them.

My ex was useless while we were together. Utterly crap. But he doesn't have me to help him now so he does it himself because he must.