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Original poster

Useless ex has the DC for one week for the first time. What should I pack?

48 replies

Namechanger2015 · 29/03/2015 10:08

So my useless stbxh is taking the DC to stay with his parents for a week over Easter.

He is pretty shit at supervising the children and doing things with them - perhaps the odd trip to the park and then generally watches shit TV and expects them to sit quietly and watch with him. He doesn't like them running around, making noise or arguing which would result in his having to get off his arse and be an actual parent.

One example - we went to a cafe. He had DD2, I was picking up DD1 from a dance class and called him to say I'm running late.
Him: ok. What shall I feed DD2 (aged 5)?
Me: I don't know! Ask her
Him: well what time did she eat this morning? Did she eat? Will she even be hungry now?
Me: Ask her, she is sat right next to you!

He has always defaulted parenting to me.

So what should I pack for DDs? everything, lots of activity books, colouring reading etc or just minimal stuff so he actually realises he has to get up and do things, buy them things and actually be a parent?

I don't want the kids to have a miserable week with him but equally I need him to pull his weight.

How have you approached this?

OP posts:

OccamsLadyshave · 29/03/2015 13:44

I think not packing clothes is unnecessarily confrontational. They have clothes and you don't need them that week. The week would get off on the wrong foot if he had to spend the first day clothes shopping. Presumably his money contributed to buying them in the first place.

I always sent my dd with clothes. I mostly got them back and if not i texted a reminder for him to bring it back next week. Occasionally he'd need to buy extras eg sun hat if the weather changed and he'd send that back with her. I'm an old hippy though and i think two full wardrobes only being used half the time is environmentally unfriendly.

I'd go the other way. Send outdoor clothes, a football, lots of games and books and swimming stuff or an equivalent. Ask him what activities he has planned and what the kids need. The more fun they have the better for their future relationship and for your peace òf mind when you send them off.

If none of it comes back don't send anything next time.

Cabrinha · 29/03/2015 15:25

He's not being generous, having his own kids for a week he's being a father!

Adarajames · 29/03/2015 17:31

But if he was a useles father before then he'll need some help To not still be a useless father! A selection of clothing for variable weather, swimming things, fav toys/cuddly thing would be my choices, along with a fav book or 2 and something simple like colours if the kids into that. Also partly as means you'll feel a little less anxious and so hopefully be able to relax and enjoy, what I'm sure must be a much needed break, more. Have a great time

HelenaDove · 29/03/2015 18:01

Hes had 2 months to buy some clothes then Why was this not long enough?

Stillyummy · 29/03/2015 18:08

Drum kit, cola bottles, finger paints

Cabrinha · 29/03/2015 19:00

Stillyummy:

Dutch1e · 30/03/2015 00:13

Maybe a shopping trip for clothes and nappies will get him off the couch . I really wouldn't pack any more clothes except pyjamas and a change of underwear for the next day (when he will have to kick himself for not doing the shopping when he was without the DC!). Packing everything sets a precedent and will be more difficult to change next time.

Original poster

Namechanger2015 · 30/03/2015 00:16

DDs have gone, they have iPads and stacks of homework which ex is under strict orders to get completed. Not packed any toys, just a few colouring books and pencils which they love doing. I only packed two sets of clothes each which is enough but will require him to use the washing machine and actually plan ahead a little.

You are right about needing to lose control over the situation. DD3 has been a nightmare sleeper for ages and I am shattered now. I'm going to enjoy a full nights sleep tonight before I go away tomorrow.

DDs were very excited about seeing their daddy and spending a whole week with him so I'm feeling a little more relaxed.

Thanks for your advice. I'm glad I was semi helpful with the packing and we parted on good terms today. It means I can now relax on my week away!

OP posts:

Original poster

Namechanger2015 · 30/03/2015 00:21

I did lie a little explain to him that I had run out of nappies and DDs needed new toothbrushes, so he has been and got those. Tomorrow I'll remind him DD needs a new jumper.

I think it genuinely didn't occur to him the amount of work children involve as I have been doing it all. It's a wake up call for him and I really hope he mans up and does his bit now.

Ironically DDs have spent much more time with him since we seperated than they ever had before. And this is my first child-free/ work-free break since we married nearly 10 years ago.

OP posts:

Dutch1e · 30/03/2015 00:28

Well done, sounds like the perfect start. Come back after the week and let us know how it all went? Have a lovely rest!

TheWhiteRoad · 30/03/2015 09:59

Sounds like a good compromise OP.

Have a lovely break.

Original poster

Namechanger2015 · 02/04/2015 06:00

Having a fabulous break. Yesterday exh text me because I hadn't told him I had landed and got here safely. It turned into a day of messaging - him saying he sees now where he stands, angry I texted my siblings (who I live near and had wished me a good holiday), and didn't text him (who clearly resents me going away).

Ruined day 2 of my holiday. Messages continued whilst I slept (different time zone). I am going to ignore as I am sadly realising he will not change his ways and need to become stronger about leaving him.

DD aged 7 has been emailing me which is lovely. She asked daddy to get her an iPad cover and he said no. No homework has been done, but I'm not going to nag via her.

I thought this would help me to plan how to fix our marriage. I'm realising this may never be, and he is as controlling, abusive and self-centred as always. So it will now be a week of rest and relaxation with my childhood friend I am staying with. And will be a week to gather some strength for an upcoming stressful divorce, if I have the balls to go through with it.

He has been fooling me with promises of change and I have been falling for them until his holiday texts. He can never allow me to be myself.

Time to get strong.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 02/04/2015 08:09

Be Strong OP (I was thinking about you earlier when I was cleaning the floor).

Vivacia · 02/04/2015 08:09

Bugger.

Fairenuff · 02/04/2015 10:44

I'm confused OP. Did he not know that you were going away? What is it that he is angry about?

TheWhiteRoad · 02/04/2015 10:48

Sorry he's being an arse. Just to clarify, he's texting about relationship issues rather than the kids?

I would ignore his messages for now on unless it's a child related emergency (unlikely).

Don't allow him to ruin your holiday. It's your first child free, work free break for yonks isn't it? I'm always thankful in a way when my ex acts like a twat. It's a useful reminder of why we are no longer together.

Original poster

Namechanger2015 · 02/04/2015 19:14

Fairenuff yes he knew I was going away, and that is why he has the children this week. He knows fully where I am going, who I am staying with etc.

He is pissed off becuase when I arrived here I should have told him I landed and am ok, but I didnt. From my point of view because I didnt need to. I text my family (who I am living with) but not him. Two days later I got a nasty message saying 'why no message', 'two
Days and you didn't bother', 'you text your parents but not me, I see where I stand' etc. Generally making me pay for not texting him.

OP posts:

Vivacia · 02/04/2015 19:48

But if you're separated then you wouldn't be texting him at all as it's not child-related

Original poster

Namechanger2015 · 02/04/2015 21:25

Yes Vivacia, my thoughts exactly! How he can try to make me feel guilty for this shit - and succeed - is beyond me.

OP posts:

Hassled · 02/04/2015 21:34

It's sad that you've come to the realisation that he won't change who he is and that your marriage is probably unsalvageable. Good plan to rest and gather your strength.

But re the parenting - my first H was a useless waste of space with the kids when we were together. He loved them dearly, but did nothing. No clue. In less than a year apart, he completely got his act together - I couldn't fault him as a father. He's such a good father that he's guardian in the event of my death for my subsequent DCs (not his). And we're good friends now (both remarried). You might be able to save something out of this sadness.

Vivacia · 02/04/2015 21:42

How he can try to make me feel guilty for this shit - and succeed - is beyond me.

It's so easy to get sucked in to engaging.

GatoradeMeBitch · 02/04/2015 21:45

I know what you mean. When my ex has our ds I get many calls. He once called me at 4,5,and 6pm to discuss what ds might like to eat for dinner, and feeling that something was up I rang back at 8pm when he informed me with his mouth full that ds 'said he didn't know if he was hungry' so he'd cooked for himself only...

He would also need me as an on phone companion through every food shopping trip where he would rustle packets against the phone "Are these the ones?" We weren't on Skype, I couldn't see them!

(Yes, I am embarrassed that I reproduced with it. I like to vent here every now and then so I can continue to lie about how great he is to ds!)

Original poster

Namechanger2015 · 07/04/2015 08:22

Week away went well, ex is dropping the DC back to me this evening. So I have one more day to relax.

I suspect he is playing silly buggers with me again as we toyed with the idea of taking the DC out together today so the handover is slower and smoother and easier for them. He has now decided he has things to do today and so no day out and a rushed drop off tonight.

I feel horrendously lonely on my return from break but I think it's just post-holiday blues and knowing that time away didnt magically solve this awful situation, and I still have to find my way out of this.

One day at a time.

OP posts:

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