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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

So the second letter has arrived!

50 replies

inmyshoos · 28/03/2015 16:24

Some of you might remember my situation from last thread 'would you respond to this letter? (Sorry links are beyond me on this phone!)
Just had the 2nd letter from my fil and wanted to share it.

"Dear inmyshoos and shoosdh
I wrote to you both on 10/2/15 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us. To date, I have received no reply. Disappointed, Yes. Surprised, no.
I will assume that no reply to this 1st letter is forthcoming.
However, there are some family events that are happening this year, that you both, and the children should be involved in. If you two do not wish to attend then perhaps, you would consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions? It would be a pity to exclude the 3 of them from the opportunity to join in the celebrations with family and friends. If i do not hear from you both within the next few weeks I will assume that you wish to be excluded from these events, but please consider allowing the dc to attend.
Regards
fil/dad

Omfg Hmm

OP posts:
AuntieDee · 28/03/2015 16:26

Why did you ignore the first letter? Sounds like a rather awkwardly worded olive branch

ginmakesitallok · 28/03/2015 16:29

The first letter was awful! (Take it you didn't see the thread?)

Who made fil the guardian of family occasions?

passthewineplz · 28/03/2015 16:33

If you want to remain NC, send a polite letter asking them not to contact you again outlining all of the reasons why you don't want any contact with them.

Families are weird things, I dont speak to my parents or sibling, it's less stress. I did try to work things out, but it just reminded me why I don't bother

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/03/2015 16:35

I remember your initial thread well. He did threaten at that time to send you a second letter and unsurprisingly it has arrived. I expected nothing less. This is all typical for such narcissistic people.

Just ignore and shred this letter, do not give it another thought or any more power.

He is really not worth bothering about, its just more emotional manipulation and guilt tripping from him. He is fed up because you people are holding out and not fulfilling the role of scapegoats he along with his wife assigned to your DH and you all as his family unit. You are not playing the game, that is why he is annoyed.

The last thing you want to do as well is to expose your DC to any of their manipulation as it will emotionally harm them.

Do not fall for the bait, you absolutely must continue to maintain radio silence here. He has no idea you have received such a letter anyway and without you responding he can do nothing else but waste time writing such emotive guff. Would you ever want to be associated with such people anyway like his parents?. No and you would not tolerate this from a friend either.

magoria · 28/03/2015 16:35

So now he is trying the Dear inmy, the last letter didn't work so I thought I would appeal to your maternal instinct forgetting that Mil favours the others over them...

crimsonh · 28/03/2015 16:36

Yes. The fordt letter and the story behind was awful.

This letter just adds IMHO extra detail but thd general tone is unchanged.

Original poster
inmyshoos · 28/03/2015 16:37

My fil wouldnt know an olive branch if you beat him with it. He is all about control!

Anyway looks like we face being excluded...... which would be a pity.... Wink

OP posts:
seaoflove · 28/03/2015 16:39

Wow, scary controlling man. I read your first thread and think you were absolutely right to ignore the first (completely bizarre) letter. I'd ignore this one too. As soon as you open up the lines of communication, the floodgates of abuse will open.

I doubt he's genuinely interested in a relationship with your children, he's just looking for ways to get you to crack and respond to him.

seaoflove · 28/03/2015 16:44

Here's your first thread btw Smile

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2339259-Would-you-respond-to-this-letter

Original poster
inmyshoos · 28/03/2015 16:50

Thanks seaoflove I have no idea how to do that on my phone Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
inmyshoos · 28/03/2015 16:53

Thanks for all the replies guys. Appreciate you taking the time to give your thoughts on this it makes it easier not to get sucked in!!

OP posts:
MrsCakesPrecognitionisSwitched · 28/03/2015 16:55

Oh so he is trying to reframe events so that he gets to be the one who stays in control cuts contact, because there is no way on earth he is going to let you be the ones who are in charge of that decision.
Also known as "having the last word".
Please feel free to ignore him.

seaoflove · 28/03/2015 16:56

Oh yes, he definitely wants to be the one with the moral high ground.

cozietoesie · 28/03/2015 17:06

.....Anyway looks like we face being excluded.....

Oh Happy Day, eh?

And don't respond to that second one - just bin it. The less opportunity he/they have for any control over you all, the better.

Joysmum · 28/03/2015 17:09

Same as the first one. Ignore Smile

Momagain1 · 28/03/2015 17:18

You had the first last word first though. So let him write his little letters. You dont need to care.

In these days of social media, Family can easily seek your dcs out once they are old enough to start appearring there. Be prepared for that.

HappyGirlNow · 28/03/2015 17:20

From what I can see the MIL is who you have the most problem with.. Maybe he is genuinely upset.. No great warmth but hardly surprising when you're ignoring them! I don't see why sending someone a letter to try and resolve issues is controlling?! What planet are some folk on this thread on??

Why is going no contact so fashionable these days..? Why is it the first option posters suggest.. My parents are tits... I just keep contact to a minimum and don't let them be involved in anything where they've the capacity to upset me.. No NC hurt or the minefields it causes... Appreciate in extreme cases NC may be advisable, but only extreme ones in my view.

GoatsDoRoam · 28/03/2015 17:21

Sounds like someone feels he is Family Patriarch.

Laugh it off, if you can. To yourselves.

AuntieStella · 28/03/2015 17:21

If PIL are hosting the events, then I'd assume from what you've posted that you won't want to go and may well not want DC to attend without you.

If he's trying to control how the rest of DH's family interacts with you for events they are hosting, then all the more reason to keep well clear.

If DH wants to stay in touch with other people in his family, might be worth saying to them that his parents do not and will never speak for you, and no assumptions about invitations (or anything else) should be made on the basis of what they say. Probably better in conversation than in writing, if attempted at all.

Also, as you've taken this stance in close consultation between you and DH, it might be worth talking through what you'd do if you ended up at the same event.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/03/2015 17:30

He is not upset HappyGirlNow, emotionally unhealthy people like FIL do not know the meaning of the word. There is righteous indignation in that letter instead. He is simply annoyed that his son the scapegoat and his family are not falling back into line like they are being commanded to.

Going no contact is never taken lightly and in this instance as well the FILs wife suggested it. Low contact can work for many people and it does for you fortunately but in some cases low contact is not a realistic option.

HappyGirlNow · 28/03/2015 17:38

I'd be indignant too if people in my family were completely ignoring me if it felt undeserved.... Appreciate there's a bigger picture here but I think a bit much is being read into his wording..

Hissy · 28/03/2015 17:46

Agree, ignore, ignore, ignore and ignore some more.

Who the hell does he think he is?

Momagain1 · 28/03/2015 17:51

Happygirl: have you read the previous thread? OP and her family are treated as uneccesary family members, and mil said to her face, when OP was trying to resolve it, that mil and fil had already discussed and thought NC was best.

oP and her dh went home, discussed, and agreed.

Inlaws dont miss them, just miss having individuals to compare unfavorobly with dh's brother, wife and children. (None of whom have contact with OP's family except at in laws house.)

RebootYourEngine · 28/03/2015 20:44

I would remain nc. No good will come out of replying.

Out of curiosity what unmissable events are they planning?

hippymama1 · 28/03/2015 20:56

Sounds like FIL is upping the bad behaviour as he didn't get a result from the first letter and is mad that you are not falling into line as you should be... I don't think this is an olive branch - in fact, I think the letter is patronising and pretty rude and sarcastic.

Trying to turn the knife by dragging your DCs into it is a low blow too... Also implies that he isn't really bothered about sorting out the situation with you and DH, only the DCs.

I would bin the letter. MIL instigated NC in the first place and it's her problem to sort it out. She probably thought you would never be able to stick to the NC and is regretting it now you are clearly doing fine without them!