So the second letter has arrived!

[inmyshoos]

Some of you might remember my situation from last thread 'would you respond to this letter? (Sorry links are beyond me on this phone!)
Just had the 2nd letter from my fil and wanted to share it.

"Dear inmyshoos and shoosdh
I wrote to you both on 10/2/15 asking you to detail what you consider the problems are between the four of us. To date, I have received no reply. Disappointed, Yes. Surprised, no.
I will assume that no reply to this 1st letter is forthcoming.
However, there are some family events that are happening this year, that you both, and the children should be involved in. If you two do not wish to attend then perhaps, you would consider allowing the dc to be included in these family occasions? It would be a pity to exclude the 3 of them from the opportunity to join in the celebrations with family and friends. If i do not hear from you both within the next few weeks I will assume that you wish to be excluded from these events, but please consider allowing the dc to attend.
Regards
fil/dad

Omfg

I guess they're saying fine if you don't want to see us but can we still see the GC.

It's possible too that he is now starting to worry about how he's going to explain your absence to the family/friends who will be attending the family events.

He wants you there as props but nothing more.

OP looks like you could do with a one-off letter from a Solicitor (maybe CAB could/would help?), stating that any more unwanted communications from FIL will be considered harassment.

CAB advice re:- Harassment

Having a word with your local cop shop might be helpful too.

I'm just waiting for your FIL to demand his "rights" regarding his GC in his next missive.

I might be getting confused here, but reading your other thread it looks like the first letter arrived earlier this week. The first letter says that FIL would be in touch "in a few weeks" if you and DH didn't respond, yet it looks like a second letter was sent just a few days later? Is this right or do I have it arse about face?

Fwiw I'd file both letters in the rubbish bin and completely ignore any further attempts at contact. They sound like utter shit bags

Im very confused by all of this and see the letters as nothing more than FIL trying to not say anything in the letters that could trigger more upset. He's chosen his words carefully and its being misconstrued.

However, I do agree with this She probably thought you would never be able to stick to the NC and is regretting it now you are clearly doing fine without them!

I think you are at a crossroads here and Id be very careful about which road I chose to go down and not just because I think you have the upper hand in all of this and you'll be paid more attention to from now on if you call a truce.

claudius my in laws have treated my dc like second class citizens for years. Excluding them without reason and fil being a complete arsehole to my ds. Fil is a control freak and mil has shown herself to be not much better. She is a lovely grandmother to my dh's brother's dc, it doesnt extend to our dc.

Then dont answer the letter. There is absolutely no excuse for treating children diffferently to their cousins.

I would not take the advice of speaking to the police. This issue can be sorted yourselves.

Maybe FIL realises what MIL can be like and is after your side of the story? If it was me, and you are determined to sever contact, I would briefly explain my reasons in a letter and explain that I did not want any further contact.

Bin it. Or keep it in a lock box as evidence. But do NOT reply.

This will get worse before it dies away - you're so close to peace, don't stop now

Well what a sad situation all round. I agree with Bartholomew on the first thread. There are two sides to every story. Yes, families can be difficult but what happened to reconciliation and forgiveness ? I hope your own children never decide to cut you off as adults when they have their own families.

I don't get the MN preoccupation with NC except in extreme cases involving abuse or crime.
I have had spectacularly bad patches with my own parents over the years ( including them telling me I was not welcome in their home as I was living in sin ) but they are family and are not perfect.
Neither am I. We got through the hard times .yes she criticised my parenting. So what ? My mum died suddenly 4 years ago. I miss her terribly. AND SO DO MY CHILDREN.
I say this kindly , the examples you give are very trivial - buying the same gifts for your children as they do for other grandchildren , your fil 's comments on aspartame ( which most of the world agree with ), criticising his writing style. The fact you posted on here means you are undecided. Life is short. People die unexpectedly. Find a way to build bridges and let go of your resentment. Grandparents are SO important.

shirleybasseyslovechild it is attitudes like yours that keep people in abutI've relationships.

Do you honestly believe that good decent people take the route of NC on a whim? Do you honestly think it's easy? It's not, which is why there are so many support threads for those of us that do make the decision that there's no hope for change and that the damage of continuing a relationship goes way beyond any benefits it may bring.

I understand it's hard for those of you who haven't experienced it to understand but victim blaming for not being forgiving enough really is disgraceful

joysmum please do not allow your own agenda and experience to contaminate mine. And more importantly , the person who is asking for help here.
Perhaps you would like to read what I actually said ? All of it?And kindly retract your accusation of victim blaming .

thank you.

I do think it's worth trying to communicate with them once even though it was their choice to go NC, as I put in the other thread. But it would need to be made clear that they treat all grandchildren equally.

ignore these attention seekers.
they sound toxic.

Ignore it. If you answer it now all (no matter what you reply) then all you have taught them is it takes 2 letters to needle a response out of you.

I remember your previous thread and agree with PP who say to ignore this.

It's worth bearing in mind that what people like your PIL hate most of all is being ignored, so disengage and leave them to it.

Ofgs shirley I have tried and tried. I know life is too short believe me, I have lost so many loved ones, friends far too young to die, I know how important it is to forgive, to compromise. I bled my heart to my mil. Told her we just wanted to be part of their big happy family, for her to love my dc like she loves the other 2. She told me spending time with us 'doesnt work' and that my sil was lovely and very thoughtful and that i am not. She told me she 'doesn't really know dh (her 1st born son) because he left home YEARS ago (at 24!). Believe me I have tried. I tried and I got torn to bits. I am not going to make myself vunerable again.
As for the xmas gifts. She doesnt get them 'the same'. She buys my dc something that her other gc like. For example my girls have NEVER like disney princess stuff. Infact they detest stuff like that. They have their own interests. Mil just doesnt invest anytime in getting to know them and so assumes they are just like her favoured gc.
It is hardly fair for my dc.
I had a very close and loving relationship with my gran. It breaks my heart to think my dc wont have the cgance to have this but I can't make them love my dc like the others or insist they treat them the same. They just do what they please.

No I won't retract Shirley

I read your post again as requested and my point stands. Just because you aren't suffereing enough to go NC doesn't mean the rest of us havr situations comparable to yours!

Unlike you, I've done the OP the courtesy of assuming this isn't a whim or a decision taken lightly.

As for my own experience and agenda contaminating yours, I do hope you can see the irony of that given your the one trying to blame the OP for not getting past this and going no contact.

Of course you'll miss your mum, you didn't suffer enough to go NC.

For my part, my mums mum died and she isn't missed because it got so bad we needed to be NC.

Your situation hasn't been 'contaminated' because yours didn't compare. I find it interesting that you somehow feel our situations are comparable, as is the use of the word contaminated.

I won't miss my grandfather when he dies and I won't regret being NC because self preservation kicked in and he deserves nothing from me. My mum isn't NC with him and will miss him. That makes sense.

One of the last times my DS say my mother he asked me why could she not just die... so upset and terrified he was at her behaviour.

If you don't have crappy parents/inlaws, please feel free to pass this thread by, having a super wonderful fluffy family is what EVERYONE ON EARTH would want, but some of us will never, ever have no matter how much shit we put up with, nor how much damage is done to our children.

we have accepted it when it's actually the hardest thing in the world to do. why can posters here not respect this?

Dismissing our side and telling us to forgive and make up IS encouraging us to return to damaging situations, to dismiss our stories which are hard to retell is victim blaming.

Shirley, I dare say many of us would have wished for the mother you had, and would miss her as you do. We sadly don't have mothers to miss, they may not be dead, but they don't do any good to us, only harm.

You can have my mother if you like, she's down one daughter and a GS, the ones she wasn't overly fussed with, and the ones she terrorised with her vile DH in tow... she's all yours, i dare say she'll last out a few more years yet.... after all only the good die young.... but I don't think you would enjoy the experience...

Well said hissy.

I will say what I said on your previous thread. You have the upper hand by ignoring them. People like that hate being ignored but you must as they miss the chance to treat you like dirt. You have taken away their pleasure OP how very dare you!!
A poster on your previous thread said that the (1st) letter had not one ounce of contrition in it, just demands and snottiness. This one is the same except it's escalated to them expecting you to drop off your DCs to spend time away from you FFS. Remain NC. I m NC with my sister as given an inch she would take a mile and it would be abuse from the get-go. I am loving being out of contact with her. She hates that I made that decision but anyone that knows us or is important to me, knows exactly why and that is good enough for me. Other family members know what the old fecker is like too so you probably have others that fantasise about not having to deal with this toxic pair. You do what makes and keeps you happy. Sure they will die one day, so will we all. So what?

Life is short, therefore it's important to be true to your own inner self, not keep trying to shoe horn your life into some hallmark fantasy you wish you had. It's only when you see things as they are, not as you'd like them to be that you really know where it's worth directing your efforts in trying to mend a situation.

Regret goes both ways, you can regret you didn't have a relationship with someone and equally you can regret that you put your children through toxic situations that impact on their long term self esteem.

Op personally I'd let your DH take the lead on what he wants to do about the situation. If he's happy to go NC for you both and the kids then decision made. If he's not there yet then you probably need to talk it through until you're both clear on the way ahead. That way there is no chance this can impact on your relationship and your little family. I don't have a lot of time for my ILs, but I've let my husband decide how he wants to play it, as long as my child isn't hurt in anyway. It makes for a more peaceful and united front!