Resent my DH for not wanting a third child

[BingBong36]

Since my second DC was born in 2011 I have been wanting another baby as I always wanted 3 children and I just do not feel my family is complete. My husband has always said no way. This has caused arguments, tears, heartache.

The last couple if months I have just given in, told him ok fine no more babies ??

I feel so bloody resentful, it eats me up. I'll be 37 soon and soon the decision will be taken out of my hands.

My question is, has anyone been in the same boat and how do I get over this without resentment? I am really trying.

Thank you

I

Manonthenet - my sympathies, that is a horrible situation.

OP, there's no row about validity of feelings, you're both entitled to feel how you feel. But there is no point bringing a child into the world that isn't wanted by one party.

also, you haven't mentioned your DC - I wonder how they would feel about it? I hate to do the "count your blessings" bit but you have 2 DC which is grand. I agree you might benefit from counselling but equally sometimes we just have to accept we aren't going to get what we want.

Think was a bit more to it than that, but agree he should have taken his own action re contraception.

It was very evident that she was dominant in the relationship, earning more money, making more decisions.

This was a major contributing factor to the end of my marriage. I resented my ex-husband's decision and the resentment was malignant.

Of course a stronger marriage between two better-suited people might have survived.

I still regret the child I didn't have.

It's not as simple as "Be grateful for what you have."

I am grateful for what I have and I regret not having a third child.

Feelings are feelings. You can't always switch them off, sadly.

I wonder how they would feel about it?

Do people normally talk to children about their family planning decisions?

Or is it just women daring not to be blissfully delighted with what the man has decreed that are supposed to feel guilty for wanting another child?

The man hasn't 'decreed'. He has a right to not have another child. The one who wants one has a right to have one. The decision that has to be made is whether to have one in another relationship. You have to learn to live with it or have one with someone who wants one. If my DH had decided he didn't want any children at all, I would have left. But as it was, I had to think of my existing children and decided my needs had to take second place to theirs.

I do age about the vasectomy and my DH decided not to have one either but did use condoms.

agree

Bathtime - no, I guess they don't. I am glad my mum asked me though - even though it was aeons ago, I'm glad she asked. So it was just a thought.

I wish my mum had asked me how I felt about introducing entirely redundant mediocre children to the family when she should have been grateful for the opportunity to be the mother of a wonderful child like me.

I just wanted to say I think I understand your feelings OP. I never had a strong urge for my two oldest. They were very much wanted, but this strange urge was not there. I had that for my third. She is autistic but I never once regretted having her.
I separated from their father from other reasons, my New partner has three kids of his own, I know full well all the valid and non negotiable reasons why I cant have one more, but the urge is so strong. I dont know If I trust myself with contraception so I have offloaded that responsibility tomy partner.
Not much advice, but much sympathy.
I will not leave my partner in order to find someone else to have a child with, I Guess that is not an option for the OP either.
Perhaps take heart from those who say it fades away. Have an open conversation with your DH to at least voice your feelings without putting pressure on him. Just starting them.

This is the advice we give to women who want children but can't have them? On Mumsnet

Yeah. She's already got two, she needs to pull herself together and get over it.

Anyone can get over anything if they put their mind to it.

Women make themselves miserable over children - having them, not having them.

It's as big or as little a problem as you want to make it.

Bathtime - brilliant! you should write a comedy sketch

Yeah. She's already got two, she needs to pull herself together and get over it.

Awesome.

There are loads of women on the infertility boards who need a bit of your wisdom.

If they've already got two kids, they're welcome to it.

OP has a right to feel her feelings, whatever they are. I'm sure she wouldn't be insensitive enough to express them on an infertility thread, or to someone she knew was struggling to conceive. Her feelings are valid and real.

That doesn't mean she has a right to act on them, or that her husband hasn't got a right to make his own decision about becoming a parent again, or that she mustn't learn to be happy with the lovely family she has. Two beautiful children! Each human being on earth is enough as they are. As I told my mother in law when she kept making snide comments about us not having kids - if you want me in your life, you must believe that I am enough. Me. As I am. I am enough. Your two beautiful existing children are enough. Every human is enough.

One of the hardest things in the world to learn to do is to be happy with what we have and not compare ourselves to others. (When I learn how to do it, I'll let you all know.) But it's the only way to be happy. It helps to know everything is relative. The woman who has been struggling to conceive for ten years and suffered numerous miscarriages would be thrilled beyond measure to have just one healthy child.

or that she mustn't learn to be happy with the lovely family she has.

There is no compulsion for her to learn to be happy with a situation she did not choose and does not want.

Wanting more children says nothing about how much you love the children you have. Otherwise everyone with more than one child should come for the lectures and guilt trips about how they have enough are are insulting their children by not using contraception.

Understanding that there are choices here. That she does still get a say in whether she wants to stick with what she has.

That is a way out of feeling snookered by someone who is making a unilateral choice that affects you.

Nobody has to learn to be grateful for a marriage that is not making them happy.

I didn't think the problem was the marriage inherently? And when it comes to kids, if people don't agree, one person will always be making the decision unilaterally one way or another, no?

Personally I think becoming a parent is such a major, permanent, life changing decision that the right of veto has to be stronger.

I presume she did choose to be married and have the two children she already has?

Naturally she has a choice about whether to stay married. It doesn't seem a wise choice to me to break apart an otherwise happy and functioning family because she wants more family, but it's not my choice to make at the end of the day. But from where a lot of people are standing, she has a blessed life indeed.

KatelynB

^Manonthenet with all due respect, if you desperately didn't want another child, you should have ensured by getting the snip that that never would happen.

Also, I agree with the pp who suggested in your case OP that your DH get the snip; as long as he's the one who's totally against the idea of having more, obviously the onus is on him to sort out contraception long term.
In your shoes, I would expect this of him.^

Can you imagine the threads on here if that was the default course of action for men who did not want to father more children.

'I want another child but my DH has made a unilateral decision to get the snip.....I am devistated'

I didn't think the problem was the marriage inherently?

The thread is about an inherent problem in the marriage - that one person is unhappy and resentful about a decision made by the other.

There are two basic options - accept the decision (and the marriage), reject the decision (and the marriage).

Well, there is a third option, which is where we are now - reject the decision, accept the marriage.

This can take two forms

A resent the decision and live unhappily in the marriage

B take steps to get pregnant (easy if he's expecting you to sort out contraception you don't want) and see if he comes around.

But choice A is what the thread is trying to avoid and risks the marriage.

Choice B has two further sub-options - be open about the fact that you are no longer taking responsibility for preventing a pregnancy you want, or lie and try to get pregnant before he realises that he should have taken responsibility for his own fertility.

Lying to get what you want is relationship poison. Being open about refusing to take responsibility for contraception will most likely mean he will take steps, which is probably better all around, but leaves you back with the first two options:

1 make a choice to stay in a marriage with two children and no more and embrace that

2 make a choice that the way this has been handled indicates a lack of care for what you want out of life, and take steps to end the marriage as amicably as possible

But there is a choice here. He gets to make one choice. She gets to respond with a choice of her own.

Resentment so often comes from feeling trapped by circumstance and having no control over your own life.

Recognising that you have a choice about staying in the marriage doesn't have to mean leaving it. It could well mean choosing to stay.

Which feels a lot different from feeling trapped and resentful.

Telling her she is trapped and must learn to love her prison and stop feeling what she feels is totally pointless.

You can't have a third child end. Like others have said look at the underlying reasons why you think your family is incomplete.
Talk to parents of three understand the reality of a family of 5, rather than the fantasy in your head .
Move on to the next stage of your life plan some adventures

You don't think your family is complete. Your DH thinks it is. What if it was the other way around?

Do you think you should be forced to produce as many kids as necessary until he felt you're "complete"? Of course not...

You can't have a third child with him.

Other than that, your options are open.

*You can't have a third child with him.

Other than that, your options are open.*

It sounds like you are advocating the OP breking up her family in order to pursue her own desires. That would be considered very selfish in most circumstances.