Resent my DH for not wanting a third child

[BingBong36]

Since my second DC was born in 2011 I have been wanting another baby as I always wanted 3 children and I just do not feel my family is complete. My husband has always said no way. This has caused arguments, tears, heartache.

The last couple if months I have just given in, told him ok fine no more babies ??

I feel so bloody resentful, it eats me up. I'll be 37 soon and soon the decision will be taken out of my hands.

My question is, has anyone been in the same boat and how do I get over this without resentment? I am really trying.

Thank you

I

[notquiteruralbliss]

Interesting one. And I can understand why you are upset. I continued to have children until I decided I wanted to stop. It would not have occurred to me that DH would have a say in the size of our family Though TBF, it wouldn't have occurred to him either.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

That's not the case for most people, I would have said, notquite. Most couples are interested and invested in deciding their family structure.

[Hallamoo]

I also think people are being harsh in the OP. Why should he make the decision on how many children you have? Your feelings are very real and not something you can control.

I agree with others who have said that you can't force someone to have a child they don't want, but I wonder if you and your DH have really discussed it properly or whether he has said a firm 'no' without even exploring the idea. Your feelings for wanting a third child and just as valid as his for not wanting one.

I was in your exact position. I accepted it because it has to be a mutual decision, but I did have a heart to heart with my DH and said that I accepted that it wasn't going to happen but that I needed time to come to terms with it and process my emotions. I also said that while
I accepted it, I would always feel the same and it would always make me sad - those are feelings that I can't control. I felt that he needed to know how I felt - cards on the table. He said how he felt about it and we agreed to move on and not discuss it anymore. About a year later, he changed his mind!

We now have four (be careful what you wish for!) ;)

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

'HE' doesn't get to make the decision, the dissenter gets to make it. blueberrypie is a case in point - the person who doesn't want another child gets to decide.

[pinkfrocks]

OP Is your DH the major breadwinner? Do you work at all?
How would you manage work and childcare with a 3rd child? What are the practicalities?
I expect he feels scared of having to be the provider for another child on top of the 2 he has. Unless you are an equal earner then he has a right imo to feel as he does.

You've told us a lot about how you FEEL but not a lot about your circumstances with money- which is his concern.

If he is being sensible with money and you aren't, then I would side with him. As others have said it 's a 2 x 2 set up out there- cars, holidays etc come packaged for 4 people not 5. So the financial impact of 1 more child can be like having another 2 because you have to trade-up for so many things.

I'd like to know if you discussed family size a long while back- before you had any- and how that relates to now.

Was it open ended or did he have limits all along?

You need to get rid of the resentment or it will always be an issue.

[PullMySocksUp]

I'm in the same position as the OP and the same age, however, I've chosen the health of my marriage and the happiness of my family over my desire for a 3rd child. It took me about a year to come to terms with the fact that our baby days were over but I can say that things do get better and I feel quite peaceful about the situation now. I think you need to be kind to yourself and keep communicating with your husband. My husband tells people that we would have had a houseful of children if it was practical; it's not and I'm now OK with that.

[mynewpassion]

Feeling sad is different from feeling resentment. One is of understanding and acceptance. The latter is more negative and could breed divisions.

[BingBong36]

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I have read them all and it has helped.

A few friends have been having their third babies and I've found it hard.

I feel better this year than I did last year so hopeful time will heal the void.

[Branleuse]

get a dog?

[2or3]

OP you are getting a lot of stick, but your viewpoint just isn't very popular here.

Your feelings are very valid and you need to explore them. A counsellor might be necessary. Also talk to your DH, no need to bottle this up, why?

It might be worth thinking about who in your relationship makes the decision (where you live, how you live etc). Maybe there's an imbalance there that needs to be addressed.

Even though you have accepted no more children, it is ok to let your DH know your feelings about this, anything else will lead to further resentment.

I also think really looking into your own development, invest in yourself, do courses, career etc. You have to channel that energy somewhere now.

[Frikadellen]

I was in a similar place for many years. I Really wanted another child but dh felt it was enough.

Doesn't mean that I was not grateful for the children we do have. Nor does it mean I don't appreciate them. It meant he and I had a difference of opinion. Sadly that meant one of us would not get what we wished for, as I strongly believe children should be wanted by both their parents (ideally - I am not saying all should absolutely do this) it meant I had to step down.

It took me years to come to terms with this. Yes I did feel some resentment towards dh, I struggled with friends had babies as I so wanted one. What brought it to a head was when dh and I had financial issue that meant I had to change life path. We had said from when we decided I would be the SAHP that I would go and study once the children reached secondary school. However due to the finances I had to go to full time work. Now I enjoy my work and I have fallen on my feet with it. However my life changed. During this conversation I said to dh that I would have to now accept this wish for another would never happen. DH was shocked I still wished for this he had simply not realised how deep this was in me. Just hearing him acknowledge that this was a real issue for me was worth a great deal. He had thought it was simply a "once the children are in school she wont feel that way anymore" situation and we had a very long talk.

My youngest is now 11 we wont ever go for one more. I have come to peace with this. Doesn't mean I ever fully felt that was " my choice" It was a choice that was made for me.

I adore my children they are the very best part of my life. I am very grateful I have them.. Doesn't mean my feelings for wishing another were not real or that I regret what I have. However nor did it mean dh's feelings for not wanting another were not as real.

Lastly my family is not complete it never will be. I mean I have grandchildren and great grandchildren not born :) (though worried as dd3 at the moment says if she has a boy he will be named Jeremy Smebuluck)

[bumdiedum]

Only you know if you can stop yearning or not. It's such a basic biological urge its really hard to squash down. But you do need to make the decision whole-heartedly; if you do chose him, then know you've done what's best for you and don't hanker. If you can't stop hankering, leave and find someone else or do it on your own. But do make that decision, and don't just let it drift. You say you have, but I'm not so sure.
I'd also say, if he doesn't want more and you accept that, make him put his money where his mouth is and get a vasectomy. If he is stopping you having more children until you are no longer fertile, he should be prepared to be in the same boat. If you can't make him do this because your hoping he'll change his mind, I'd doubt whether you can accept it and I really think you should consider leaving.

[Sazorchard31]

Reading with interest. I have one dc (5) and yearn for another,however dh only wants one. This is a big issue as there is no compromise so one of us loses which in.our case is me. I fully understand and cannot disagree with his reasons but it doesn't stop my body wanting another! We're 7months post a really big chat about it and it still consumes me thinking about it.I will always resent him for making that decision about our family, but I am willing to move on....providing we do all the stuff we talked about and can very much afford with just one. I respect his feelings, and would hate for him to resent me for forcing him into something he didn't want especially when you can't guarabtee all will be perfect.

I cannot stand to hear about people's second pregnancies, I have zero interest as its not something I'll get to do again.

However, I'm ok.with things now and have my own interests and a career, both that I couldn't maintain with another. I love the family I have and love them more than what I don't have and will not sacrifice my family. I have read other pos t s on here about people leaving their dp over this and this k its ridiculous and they must be totally happy in the first place.

My advice Is to be happy with the amazing family you have, so many people cannot have any children. Don't hate your husband, someone has to lose here, be the bigger person and put it behind you. Find a distraction and channel your time into that.

[Guyropes]

Bing bong, there are a lot of people on here who are not empathic. you need to get over your resentment is hardly a helpful comment, as your op is asking for people who have been in the same boat to share how they got over their resentment!

So from someone who has actually been in the same boat, I found that the differences in our wishes for children was rooted in other differences, like life priorities. I had a great need for feeling secure by having a large, loving family. His need for security could only be met by material security... Ie buying a house, getting a promotion. He is not wrong to have this outlook, and neither am I, our different life experiences shaped us the way we are. However these vastly different life priorities made cohabiting difficult in so many ways, that we eventually split up. All of us are much happier now. Including the children.

I have met someone else with the same priorities as me, and we our expecting a baby together now.

I am not saying that this is the right thing for you.. But I do think it's worth thinking deeply about how compatible your lives are in other ways, and if you do have a solid relationship underneath this, then you should be able to talk about your feelings and not have them dismissed. How much easier would it make it for you if he acknowledged to you that you must find it tough to hear that close friend's 3rd baby news?

[RunnerHasbeen]

I think it is hard in life when you don't get the choices you would like to choose from. Both DH and I would have quite liked three but there is a strong medical reason to stop at two. It has been surprisingly easy to handle the decision being taken out of our hands and move on. I am lucky to have two, my medical history made that unlikely, so there is no hankering after something I don't have.

I think the decision to add a third to your current dynamic is alreasy out of your hands and you need to accept it, not play emotional games with your DH. Your choices in reality are: stick at 2, split with DH and look for someone else to have a third with, have a third alone, trick/ manipulate your DH into having a child he doesn't want or waste the next few years of your DCs lives moaning and taking it out on DH. Hopefully you will instantly, for your DCs benefit, dismiss some of these options.

I think the first step is accepting the actual choices you have, perhaps setting yourself a move on time limit (eg one more conversation in six months in case things are different, then the topic is closed). You need some control or closure, not clutching at straws.

[Sazorchard31]

I agree with runner, you need closure, only then will you be able to move on. If there is a tiny fragment of hope you'll never move past it and you'll continue to focus on a possible baby.

I don't think you'll fully get over your resentment, I know I wont but mainly because dh made the decision, not me, even if I'm almost comfortable with it! But I can live with it and do not want to discuss it any more, my pain brings pain for him too as he thinks I don't think he and dd are enough when they completely are!

[MatildaTheCat]

OP, I was in your position many years ago albeit at a younger age because we started having babies quite early. It really ate me up that urge for another. DH did think about it but simply didn't want to start it all again just as, as he saw it,life was getting easier.

To reassure you, it passes. Very slowly, but it did pass for me. I'm 49 now and like many of my friends have spent quite a considerable number of years thinking how horrific it would be to find oneself pregnant.

Hang on and do try to focus on what you do have. For all those who have mentioned all the good points about sticking to two, sorry, these arguments simply don't work when you are yearning for another!

[Comingoutofhibernation]

I was in a similar position, although I only have one child. I wanted another and DH didn't. I did feel resentful for a short time, and part of me even considered whether I should leave him, and try to meet someone else to have another child. In the end I realised I was incredibly lucky to have good husband, and a healthy child. I made a conscious decision to focus on the positives, which has mostly worked. I am able to do a lot of things now, that I couldn't do with two children, and I work hard to focus on enjoying that, rather than dwelling on what I would have liked but couldn't have.

[Manonthenet]

My wife always wanted 3 children but we stopped at a boy and a girl. They are now 10 and 9 and I love them to bits. A year ago my wife's resentment at us stopping at 2 boiled over, and she very publicly told all our friends how much she hated being married to me, and that she couldn't carry on. Desperate not to break up our family we talked things through. Then she accidentally became pregnant. She managed contraception. Now we have a new baby. The impact on me is difficult to describe. I'm feeling utterly desolate as the feelings I have for the first two simply are not there for the third I didn't want. Worse I find my time is spent on the baby and not with the two older ones, at the stage in their lives that I have been looking forward to since they were born. So think carefully about pressuring anyone into a third child, for me the impact has been devastating. Worse all my family and friends think I am a great dad and expect me to be happy now the baby 's here. The reality is that I didn't enjoy the baby and toddler stage at all and I longed for the time I would get my life back with children old enough to share things with me. So I am trapped in a no win situation and for the first time in 44 years I don't wake up looking forward to the day. I am disappointed in myself for not feeling the same about the baby but now I can empathise completely with those fathers who ignore and dislike their children. I never thought I'd be like that. Please don't inflict that on someone you love, and don't underestimate the damage an unwanted child can do. I'm just hoping I can work through it.

[Twinklestein]

An extra child is not simply a financial strain but a physical and emotional one too, as Manonthenet's post exemplifies.

If you feel there's a 'void' in your life, then fill it with something else: a new job, a new interest, if you like children perhaps get involved with children's charities, volunteer work etc.

[fancyanotherfez]

I felt the same as you for a long time. My DH disagreed for the same reasons. Financial, sleepless nights, found it too hard etc. There were times I could hardly speak to him. He agreed after that, but then said he really couldn't go through with it after a couple of months of trying. I was absolutely devastated. I'm older now so it's a little too late, and I have come to terms with it. My youngest is the same age as yours and is going to school in September. I gave up my job and started freelancing. I love it. I get to travel to interesting places, which I loved before children and never would have contemplated with a young baby. I am fulfilled and I feel OK about it now. I feel now that it was the best thing, but at the time it hurt. I just decided I'd rather keep my family of 4 together than risk splitting through the stress of an imaginary baby that was not wanted by one parent. I feel sad that I will never again be pregnant or give birth again, or hold my own baby, but I don't really feel sad that I won't have another child long term, or a daughter as I have 2 sons, if that makes any sense.

[BathtimeFunkster]

If you feel there's a 'void' in your life, then fill it with something else: a new job, a new interest, if you like children perhaps get involved with children's charities, volunteer work etc.

This is the advice we give to women who want children but can't have them? On Mumsnet?

Fucking hell. I thought that was the kind of shite that got trotted out by your auntie Sheila at a wedding breakfast.

BingBong - nobody ultimately gets to make this choice for you.

He can decide he doesn't want a baby. But he can't decide that you won't have any more children.

If your resentment at his unilateral decision-making about family size means you no longer want to be in a relationship with him, then you can end your marriage.

Do you feel heard? Cherished? Like this is a decision you made that tether, but that he's the one who got his druthers?

Or do you feel that this was imposed on you by someone who is indifferent to your feelings?

What you want matters

[Hedgehogparty]

Someone I know was in exactly your situation. Her DH was adamant he didn't want a third child but she ignored his views and was deliberately careless with contraception.

They separated last year and she is now on her own with 3 children.

Surely both parents must want a child- the bottom line is that their final DS was unwanted by his father and the strain broke the relationship.

[BathtimeFunkster]

she ignored his views and was deliberately careless with contraception.

Sounds more like he ignored her views and was deliberately careless with contraception.

You really have to be a right twat to leave contraception, so prone to user error, in the hands of someone you know is desperate to have a baby.