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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Leaving would be selfish

34 replies

Onesqueakywheel · 28/03/2015 01:02

My d/h is perfect. He loves me unreservedly and tells me so. He supports me, buys me gifts and lets me be as independent as I want to be. We have a great life. My children think we are fantastic together.
We haven't had sex for nearly three years. We sleep separately. He respects that and won't push. He says he'd rather spend the rest of his life like this than divorce as long as I don't sleep with anyone else.
I dream every day of leaving. I think I'm being unfair to him to stay when I no longer want to sleep with him. I love him as my friend.
Leaving would devastate everyone.
I have no reason to leave except for being unhappy.
I have had counselling. It didn't help.
I can't tell him or my children. I'm good at hiding it.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm asking for. To leave would hurt everyone. To stay hurts me.
I feel lost.

OP posts:
MrsRhettButler · 28/03/2015 01:35

How old are your children? Are they old enough to notice that you're not happy?
It's awful being in a relationship you no longer want to be in for whatever reason Sad
It's not selfish, don't you deserve to be happy?
Splits are hard and painful but for the most part people do move on.

Original poster
Onesqueakywheel · 28/03/2015 01:47

My children are teenagers but I have one with SEN who says that it's against the law for parents to separate. If they notice they've never said or indicated. They all say they've had a fantastic childhood.
I can't justify my happiness at the expense of my family although I don't mean to sound as if I'm trying to be a Martyr.
Thank you for responding.

OP posts:
whitsernam · 28/03/2015 02:30

Have you ever tried counselling? It might help you figure out why you're unhappy, and what you might do to change that. Seems worth a shot, anyway. If you can find the right counsellor.

Nandocushion · 28/03/2015 03:19

She says she's had counselling and it didn't help, whitsernam.

What are you unhappy about, OP? Is it specifically, only him? Or is it a more general feeling?

trackrBird · 28/03/2015 03:21

No-one is perfect, not even your DH, OP.

If you are unhappy, and your husband loves you as much as he says, then he must know you are unhappy. Is he concerned about your unhappiness?

AcrossthePond55 · 28/03/2015 03:49

No, it's not selfish to leave if you're unhappy. Can you pinpoint what you're unhappy about? That you're under too much stress at home, either with the children or the house? Is it that you have an unrealized dream or feel unfulfilled? When you talk of leaving, do you picture yourself without the children, or just without him. Maybe if you could pinpoint what you're unhappy about, it would make it easier for you to make the decision that's best for you.

People the world over end marriages simply because they aren't happy and the world hasn't stopped turning. Yes, it will be hard for them and for you, but they'll get over it in time. You just want to be sure that it's the right thing to do. Some people become happier afterwards in their new life. Others find out that it was a big mistake to leave. That's the chance you take.

Vivacia · 28/03/2015 06:38

No, it's not selfish to leave if you're unhappy. Can you pinpoint what you're unhappy about?

This is the key question for me. Your first post almost suggests that you think you should leave because he's so lovely and doesn't deserve to be stuck in a relationship with you (one that you see is flawed).

GoatsDoRoam · 28/03/2015 06:54

What is it that you are unhappy about?

OneHandFlapping · 28/03/2015 07:10

Why have you not had sex for three years? Has your libido completely disappeared, or is it just him?

kittensinmydinner · 28/03/2015 07:28

Did something happen 3 yrs ago to you or him, that made you stop sleeping together. This sounds a very strange situation, like you have just 'shut down' from him emotionally. This 'love him like a friend' feeling is something I can identify with as my first marriage was like this, but it's cause was three small children, close together , my complete loss of libido and by the time my hormones calmed down from almost 5 yrs of breast feeding, the 'mates' relationship was too well established that having sex would have felt almost creepy.. But your situation appears very different if your Dcs are teenagers. Can you pinpoint what happened. ? Do you think it's perhaps physical as in one of you has changed appearance and don't fancy the other..

Yarp · 28/03/2015 08:11

Have you seen a doctor? You may have a physical health problem, or depression.

CoffeeBeanie · 28/03/2015 08:21

Have you tried counselling together?

What does your DH think of the arrangement?

CoffeeBeanie · 28/03/2015 08:23

Sorry, he thinks it's all ok? As long as you don't sleep with anyone else? What about him, is he celibate as well?

Are you attracted to other men? Or another man?

We need more info to give an opinion on something so complex.

Original poster
Onesqueakywheel · 28/03/2015 11:57

Thank you for all the responses. Lots to think about. I hadn't realised it would appear so unusual. In answer to the questions, I'm not under any particular stress either at home or work. I have a job I love and home is mostly peaceful, as peaceful as it gets with teenagers. I'm not depressed, apart from this situation, and don't want to leave for another man or anything like that.
I suppose over the years I have become very independent and don't actually want or rely on another adult. My O/H is not here all week as he works away for days at a time. When he is away we as a family have routines and when he returns he slots into those.
We work well together as partners and i know he loves coming home. It's where he feels safe and I don't want to take that away from him. I don't think he'd cope with being alone if we were to separate. Maybe that's the crux of the matter, for my family home is their haven and they see no reason for it to change.

OP posts:
CoffeeBeanie · 28/03/2015 12:02

Well, I think it is unusual to go off sex with someone you love.

Why are you dreaming of leaving?

kittensinmydinner · 28/03/2015 12:23

It might help to know why you sleep separately . You say you haven't slept together in 3 yrs. what was it that made you move to separate rooms ? That's quite a 'statement' move when you made it. What was the catalyst for it ? Do you find your husband attractive ? Or maybe a turn off. ? Do you have any insight to why you feel like this towards him. I feel really sorry for both of you, he loves you very much and can do nothing to make it better which must be awful. You don't want to be his wife anymore but can't see someone you love as a friend hurt. Would you like to be able to rekindle things or would you like to find a way out ?

Original poster
Onesqueakywheel · 28/03/2015 13:09

I think you have said what I've been struggling with Kittens, I don't want to be his wife anymore but can't hurt someone I love as a friend.
In answer to the question about a 'statement move' it wasn't calculated, more of an evolving of different routines etc. Due to the nature of my O/H's work and times he arrives home he started sleeping in another room to avoid waking me. I grew to like the space.
Coffee we have been together for nearly 25 years and I think it's natural that over that length of time the physical attraction wanes and waxes. For me it's gone and been replaced by the desire to support and protect him if that makes sense. I almost see him as one of my children who I want to help fly the nest and be happy.
Sounds mad written that way.

OP posts:
championnibbler · 28/03/2015 13:35

the fact that you're unhappy is reason enough to call it a day.
i think most people would agree with me there.

if you're lucky, you might get about 80 spins around our sun.
life is short.
certainly too short for wasting time with someone you don't love.
i'd bail, if i were you.
what other people might think is totally irrelevant.
it's your life. not theirs.

paxtecum · 28/03/2015 13:47

But what do you expect your new life to be like?

You are on your own with the DCs all week, thenDH comes home Friday nights and joins the family for a couple of days.

What does he do that makes you unhappy?
You may well still be unhappy if you had your new life.

Maybe your unhappiness is not because of him.

Did you used to be happy?

Life can be tedious for most of us and it can throw rubbish at us many times.

CoffeeBeanie · 28/03/2015 13:48

DH and I have been together 23 years and our sex life has had ups and downs, I know all about that.

It doesn't sound mad written down that you want him to be happy and don't want to hurt him.

YOU are not happy.

I don't know why but it doesn't sound like you have made any attempts at fixing the issue together. Yes, physical attraction can change, but I suppose you've managed to rekindle it after previous episodes.
What was different last time? No energy left, no wish to keep the relationship alive?
Was the effort one-sided?
If you still love him and he loves you, has the physical side just died? Those things can fade away and it seems impossible to get sparks flying again after a while. What I don't get it why you had counselling but he didn't go with you?

Yes, being unhappy is a valid reason to end a marriage. If you think there is no chance you could revive the love you once had.

Original poster
Onesqueakywheel · 28/03/2015 14:05

Coffee he doesn't believe in involving anyone in his issues and won't talk about his feelings.

OP posts:
pickles184 · 28/03/2015 14:18

What are you most unhappy about and what is it about leaving that will improve things for you?

Original poster
Onesqueakywheel · 28/03/2015 14:22

I think I'm most unhappy about knowing that I don't want to be a wife and not giving my O/H a marriage. We have a partnership. If I left it would give him the chance to have someone who desired him again and would relieve me of the guilt of not wanting to be that person.

OP posts:
pickles184 · 28/03/2015 14:46

How would you feel if he never did find happiness with someone else?
How would you feel if he did and she encouraged him to lose all contact with his children? Or if he met someone who was vile to him, but his confidence was knocked to the point of accepting bad treatment?

To be clear I am not for a minute suggesting that the above will happen, you shouldn't leave him or that his or your children's needs are more than your needs for happiness.
I truly believe that life is too short to be miserable and your feelings are just as important as everyone else's.

It sounds very much like you are unhappy enough to need to do this, but you need to make sure it is what will make you truly happy, not what it will do for/to anyone else iyswim?

Goodbetterbest · 28/03/2015 14:53

Onesqueekywheel - I don't know what to say that is constructive but my heart goes out to you.

It is OK to separate because you are not happy. I think some people are unhappy and so create situations (affairs) to give them a get out. Its the same root problem though.

If you are sure it's what you want be brave.