Leaving would be selfish

[Onesqueakywheel]

My d/h is perfect. He loves me unreservedly and tells me so. He supports me, buys me gifts and lets me be as independent as I want to be. We have a great life. My children think we are fantastic together.
We haven't had sex for nearly three years. We sleep separately. He respects that and won't push. He says he'd rather spend the rest of his life like this than divorce as long as I don't sleep with anyone else.
I dream every day of leaving. I think I'm being unfair to him to stay when I no longer want to sleep with him. I love him as my friend.
Leaving would devastate everyone.
I have no reason to leave except for being unhappy.
I have had counselling. It didn't help.
I can't tell him or my children. I'm good at hiding it.
I have absolutely no idea what I'm asking for. To leave would hurt everyone. To stay hurts me.
I feel lost.

He is not at all bothered that you are not having sex with each other. A happily married man completely relaxed about his wife not wanting to have sex for 3 years. He sees no need for you two to have any kind of counselling.

How has he been getting his sexual needs so well satisfied over the last 3 years?

He is away all week every week, right?

I have a sense that there's more to this than you're saying. You sound detached from your husband, and your feelings: as if you're looking at the arrangement of marriage and family, and weighing it up as an outsider might, rather than having any emotional attachment to them.

I wonder if something has happened to cut you off from your feelings.

What has made you see him as a child like figure who needs protecting? I imagine you didn't feel that way when you married.

how does your husband feel about your unhappiness?

So the issues are his issues? He doesn't want to talk to you or outside help about it?

His acceptance of moving to separate rooms makes me wonder whether his sexual needs are being fulfilled elsewhere.

And I absolutely agree that you should not feel guilty if you do decide to leave.

But I agree with Coffee

DH and I have been married almost 30 years (our children are adults) and I understand the 'evolving'. It almost does seem that at some point you become 'friends', albeit usually 'friends with benefits'. There is a comfort level, I think, that is more 'companionship' than 'mad, passionate love'.

I'm just going to throw this out there, disregard it if you want. Could this 'disaffection' be connected to menopause or peri-menopause? I know I had a sharp decrease in sexual desire during menopause and also found DH a bit hard going for awhile.

I think a big obstacle is that apparently he 'doesn't want to involve others & won't talk about his feelings'. Sorry, that's almost a deal breaker right there. You are unhappy, he apparently knows you're unhappy, and he'd rather you just continue to be unhappy and 'live like this' than to actually do anything to help you solve the problem (i.e. go to counseling with you). I think maybe he's not as 'nice' as you think he is.

I also wonder how he's been meeting his sexual needs. It seems extremely rare that a partner can just accept celibacy just like that.

There have been posters on here who have either been the one to stop having sex or the one on the other side, when their OH has stopped having sex. In all the case I have seen there has been a lot of angst, especially from the ones who would still like their sex lives to continue.

It's not that easy to switch off from sexual desire, yet OP's DH appears to have done just that. And he works away all week.

Thank you all for your thoughts. It does help me to focus on the underlying issues. I can say that he is totally faithful and has vowed to stay that way. I know exactly where he is when he is away and have no doubts that he is only working and sleeping.
We do need to talk. We have both become used to the situation and detached although I know that unlike me he would jump at the chance to resume relations.
You have all given me much to think about.

Best of luck to you, squeaky. I hope you find happiness, whatever you decide.