DH moans A LOT. Can I change him?

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He is getting worse as he gets older. Yesterday he moaned all night about his job, as well as snipits during the day when he phoned me. In general he is fairly content with his job but of course gets the odd bit of stress. Then that is all he focuses on and he goes on and on moaning. He is awful with any illness or ache. For example he has had a cold since last Friday. You would think he was seriously ill the way he has gone on about it, come home and lay on the settee etc. The dc have had the same cold and barely mentioned it.

I am starting to get worried now as I have never met anyone more negative and moany than his mum (my MIL). In fact I have never really seen her happy and she is always ill with something. My SIL's are the same cup half empty types. The bizarre thing is that DH can see they are like that and hates it.

If I get irritated with DH when he is moaning it seems to make it worse, but last night when I made an effort to be sympathetic he still carried on moaning. Am I going to end up married to a miserable man or can I change him?

I don't think people ever drastically change tbh.

Yes over the years we sort of change but not necessarily in a big way.

Have you told him he is just like his sisters?

Maybe put your fingers in your ears every time he moans!?

You can't change somebody but you can change your reaction to them.

Next time he moans, ask how what he's going to do to change the situation to try to get him to be more proactive and feel like he has more control and responsibility for himself.

Put him in the shed

my dad can be like this. his knees. his tummy. blah blah. nothing wrong with him that laying off red wine and red wine wouldn't fix.

I always say "well I'm fine!!" "well my health is good". I know it's not very sympathetic but if you get in to a contest with the moaning it's hard to get out of it. and if you end up being a crutch it's exhausting.

I sympathise, OP, I've got one a bit like that too
And I suspect there's not much you can really do, because there will always be something they find to get upset about. If you try and 'manage' the situation you just end up on eggshells. It's really draining.

I am married to a grumpy old git. IME despite lots of different strategies he remains his disgruntled self.
It's wearing to live with someone who will always find fault and seems so deeply dissatisfied. I take my pleasure from the small things in life but I honestly think a lottery win would leave him complaining it wasn't enough...
I concur with Joysmum that the only way is to try to change your own reaction and not get bogged down with their misery.
How about telling him what was good about your day and asking him what was good about his?
(I bet he'll find it a lot more difficult to find the positive side of life )

Ignoring bad behaviour can help minimise it. Especially if you also reward good behaviour.

Could you introduce a system of fines so it's £5 for a major moan and £1 for a niggle. Then you can spend the money on wine, chocolate and/or male strippers...

Glad to know I am not the only one! I love all the ideas and agree that I need to change my approach and talking about positive things that have happened to me.

you cannot change him.
only he can do that.
you can change only your reaction.

I would have thought the standard advice would be: of course you can.... LTB!

I would go the opposite way to ignoring it, sounds like it's something of a personality trait and he doesn't realise that he's doing it more as he ages.
I'd say "I don't want to hear it thanks, you sound like your mum", or "hello, the DC have a cold too and you don't hear them complaining". I have to do this sometimes with my DP. Sometimes I give him a few minutes to moan and then say "enough - tell me some good things now".

We have a rule that you can only complain if you have already done something to mitigate against the complaint. E.g. you can only complain about your toy being broken if it was put away where it should be when it was stood on. You can only complain about a headache if you've taken a painkiller. I am probably the worst in our house for having a good moan.

Mine is moany too! Especially about his job. And his (genuinely horrible) ex. those I mind less than his constant low-level displeasure with normal,morfinary people. He really seems to dislike people. Not my family or our friends, but really everyone else. Shop assistants, fellow commuters, anyone on the phone...

I just ignore that now, or explode.

Morfinary???! Ordinary!

Love that rule Vivacia. Stealing it!

My DP is a grumpy, moaner too. Like redfairy I really don't think even a lottery win would cheer him up. I try and take pleasure in the small things in life but DP always seems to find something wrong in everything. Someone has always done something to him to upset him, make him angry, piss him off. Shop assistants, call centre staff, other drivers, friends, neighbours. The list is endless. He always comes in with a tale of woe. It's draining.

I try and let it go over my head now otherwise it drags me down and we all end up feeling very Eeyore.

Is your DP a Victor Meldrew type of moaner or is he negative in a bitter way? My dad is a Victor Meldrew type and he honestly doesn't realise how much he moans, he's actually a very happy person it just never occurs to him to notice the good things. My ex-h on the other hand was a relentlessly bitter and negative person who believed the world and the people around him owed it to him to make him happy and successful which obviously never lead to him to either. My overwhelming reason for ending our marriage was his ever increasing bitterness and attitude of being hard done by. I was becoming depressed myself and I finally realised how much I dreaded spending the rest of my life like this. Hopefully your DP is the Victor Meldrew type and not like my ex-h!

Take the piss, relentlessly. 'Oh whoopee, here comes Mr Whinyarse again! Just what we all want. Let's all howl at the awfulness of the world for a couple of minutes then have a cup of tea, shall we?'

My Dh is a moaner too, you are definitely not alone in being married to one, OP! There was similar thread on MN a few months ago and another MNer said when her DH gets his grumpy pants on she started singing her made up, "Moan, moan, grump, grump" song and doing a little dance. It made him laugh and thus stop moaning. We urged her to put it on Youtube, but I don't know if she did. Great idea, wish I could sing!

Agree with solidgold
My partners a moaner and we just take the mickey. I call him Eeyore. He sometimes laughs with us and sometimes he sulks but either way it stops him moaning so much.

I can't be doing with moaners.

I went through a phase of saying 'you're right! everything / everyone is shit apart from you'

DH soon realised moaning and being negative wasn't going to get him anywhere.

Hah! My aunt had a song for her similarly awful DH. He hated it. I can't remember it all but here's some:

To the tune of 'Goldfinger'

'Moan-Whinger!
He's the man, the man who sees only bad
The grumpy lad!

Such a moan-Whinger!
Beckons you to listen to all his crap
Run, don't look back!

Moaners and grumpy grad grinds are such a bore.

I would call him on it or make fun of him constantly doing it. Hopefully get him to have a bit of self awareness and actually STOP.

sylvanians brilliant!