how important is honesty??? Does internet infidelity count?? I think so x

[mpi]

I have to say at the outset that I am in love very much with my husband and want to stay married and be happy. However I really need advice because I am uncertain as to whether I am making the current situation to be different than it actually is. Sometimes it is so difficult to know the truth.
History:

1. I am 52 and was married to my first husband for 25 years, during this period I did not doubt his honesty.
2. I have been married for 2 1/2 years to a man with whom I have been in a relationship with for 5 years
3. Prior to marriage, I discovered 3 periods of my partner going on the internet and contacting women in a sexual manner
4. Because I loved him so much, and was persuaded that this amounted to / meant nothing, I overlooked this / clung onto something I wanted to believe in, and part of me still does
5. This morning he went to work and left his laptop on and it was on FB. I found that he was messaging a woman on FB, when I asked him who she was, his first response was to say that he wasn't on FB at all
6. In order to prove this he showed me his emails, however there was several emails from FB
7. Then he does not disagree that he was on FB but tells me that he didnt know that he was, despite him also admitting that there had been numerous emails from FB advising him of activity
8. He has shown me his activity log which i think he didn't understand what it was, which shows that he connected a woman yesterday, however he tells me that this is incorrect and a mistake by FB

the big thing here is truth, my heart is saying that I love this guy and want to stay with him...however my mind is saying:

1. he has 'cheated' on the internet before.
2. he has lied about this until the facts were such that lying was futile
3. we both know that he is lying now
4. he has turned this around on me and says that I should believe him or I should leave

I really need help, I don't know who to talk to
To say all of this to friends, I guess I know what their response would be, but what would the objective response be??

To leave

Can you be happy with someone who lies to you?

Cheating, yes I think it's overstepping your boundaries and you're entitled to set those boundaries wherever you want to.

He then has the choice to abide by them, reject them and leave, or lie to you and do whatever the fuck he wants to do anyway.

I'd not be in a relationship with a habitual liar. Question is, is this enough for you to call it a day?

You could stay, like I did, for another 10 years of him fucking you about in this way, denying, minimising, until your self esteem is shot to bits and something finally motivates you to LTB.... Or you could just get it over with now. Men like this don't change, sadly.

Of course it bloody counts!
Four times now you've caught him trying to get together with other women.
How can you say you love him?
Why would you love someone who treats you like that?
And then lies to you like he thinks you're a total idiot?
I would suggest whether you leave him tomorrow (or sooner...) or not, you get some counselling quick, to work through why you think this cheating is in ANY way acceptable.
He's a total arsehole.

Exactly what Cambridge said. After 7 yrs of this and been told many times it was my fault or was totally innocent and just building someone's self estime up ( erm what about mine that you ground down?) he left me .
You will only get rid when you decide to nothing that anybody else says will make you come to that conclusion.
Does he make you feel luck to have him / that you won't get anybody else?

So this will be the fourth time he has been caught doing this?

You're worth more than he could ever give you.

thankyou all for your thoughts and comments.

an update this morning : he told me that he went on fb and searched for past girlfriends because he was curious…not to make contact

He told me that he lied to me because he feels he has a right to do such things without me knowing, that I don’t have a right to know everything, and that he has a right to have secrets from me.

I told him that due to my past experience with him messaging women and discussing sex with them over the internet, I feel uncomfortable about him doing this, but far more importantly I don’t believe in telling lies, keeping secrets in this marriage.

He says that he will always keep things from me and that I have to accept this or make my own decision as to what I want to do

I know everyone has a right to their own space within a relationship, to have their own thoughts and not to feel every move is being watched ..... so he has turned it around and back at me.

Looking from the outside what are your thoughts? Am I asking too much?

same answer as to your first question

leave

Hmmm....

So he believes he has a "right" to keep secrets within a marriage-secrets that he knows are damaging and hurtful to you .

I think there is a BIG difference between having some privacy within a relationship & just behaving like an arse! His track record suggests the latter and his ultimatum to you to accept it or decide what you want to do, says it all really. He has no respect for your thoughts and feelings at all.

I think if you let this go, then it will only get worse and he will always say that he gave you an option.

In answer to your question, no you are not asking for too much- I fact I think you are expecting too little for yourself.

Lets put the cheating aside. I don't think you should stay married to a man who is as stupid as this guy is. He's an idiot.

He will always keep secrets?! And he thinks that's ok?

Please leave him, he is deluded if he believes that & definitely not trustworthy.

Everyone has the right to some private actions and thoughts in a relationship but this is going too far. I looked up my ex on linked in and didn't tell DH. But contacting women to have a virtual relationship is tantamount to cheating.

I am on a thread supporting people who try and save their marriages, so am not the type to yell LTB, but even I would advocate leaving this man, he sounds like he doesn't care about you and will always be looking for something else.

You are not asking for too much and you deserve better.

Also why the need to have secrets? I herd this many many times and would say well I have no secrets from you.

If this was your daughter/sister/friend/ telling you this what would be your advice?

So does he think he actually has the right to have sex with these women and keep it secret from you?

The only difference is the lack of physical contact.

He lies to you. Then he treats you like a complete and utter idiot. Then he tells you to put up and shut up or walk.

You deserve better. Walk and find someone who respects you.

This man has zero respect for you.

Why would you want to stay with someone who treats you with such disrespect?

His energy should be aimed at you, not other women.

I would bet that your discoveries are only the tip of the iceberg. He Is telling you that he has no intention of changing or being open and honest

Really, where dose that leave you?

Would you have thought he was a suitable partner if he'd made these views clear much sooner in the relationship?

No. Of course you wouldn't have because fundamentally you're as different as chalk and cheese on this crucial issue.

He's treating you as though you're a bit simple-minded by the way. And when that fails he attempts to intimidate you. Not a nice man whatever way you look at it.

He is waiting for you to throw him out. Do so

I believe he is saying you can leave if you want because he doesn't truly believe you will.

You have shown him that.

This is not the first time, nor the second but the fourth time you have discovered this betrayal and yet you didn't leave any of those previous times.

Why would he believe you will leave now?

I'm with everyone else, leave. His behaviour is disgusting and shows how little he respects you.

He has now openly and honestly told you what a cheater and scumbag he will be for the rest of your marriage.
If you want to stay then it's you choosing this for yourself after knowing all the facts. Ask yourself, do you really feel you're worth the way you're being treated? You deserve way more.

I have to say at the outset that I am in love very much with my husband and want to stay married and be happy

I think you're alone in this my dear. Sorry.

Your H is a cheat and a liar. Anything less than booting his arse to the far side of fuck will show him that you will allow anything just to stay with him.

He's basically just told you that he's going to continue to contact other women on the Internet and lie to you about it. Despite knowing it upsets you.

Put up with it or leave. Those are your only two options I'm afraid.

he won't change, he has told you that, he's cheated 4 times, there have been no consequences, why would he believe you suddenly won't accept it.

time for you to put up or shut up.

actually, the time to put up or shut up was about 2 or 3 infidelities ago