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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

are sex issues wrong reason to end marriage?

29 replies

techqueen · 26/03/2015 20:42

Hi, newbie here, I have been lurking a little and I know you will give me some great advice. Sorry this is an essay!

I have been with H for 7 years. We are late 30s and have 2DCs. When DC1 was 18 months old and I had just found out I was pregnant with DC2 (planned) H went away on a business trip and I accidentally found an email to a dominatrix requesting a session while he was away. What I saw was her reply - I was using his computer to book valentines dinner (hollow laugh) and didn't realise his email was logged on.

I was totally shocked. Thought we had perfect relationship etc. Sex life good although there was an issue which I'll get to in a bit. Told him not to come home. He was devastated, didn't stop ringing and texting, told me was moment of madness etc.

I have never believed it was the first time. When I looked back I realised there were some odd signs - weird addresses on satnav, he once ran up huge bill on sexlines (I was away for a week and he said he was lonely)

I decided that we should cohabit for sake of DC1 and also being pregnant and not living near family I was worried about what I would do if I went into early labour etc and was on my own.

He supported me through pregnancy and birth and was totally loving and committed. He has always said, and still does, that he loves me and is a good dad.

We both had a lot of counselling, both separately and together but I always got so angry during the couples sessions.

Anyway after DC2 was born we moved and decided to start afresh. Within 3 months I caught him gambling online. I forced him to show me his bank account (we have separate finances) and also discovered he was spending £200 a month on porn (how??) despite being heavily in debt and me pretty much having to support us even though I was on mat pay. I have reasonably good job but salary not huge.

I was livid and still am. The DCs were so small, was so vulnerable... How could he do that? We lived apart for most of last year but are now together again. And I can't stand it. I am constantly wondering what he's up to on his phone/laptop. I resent how much I do in the home while also back at work and doing most of the childcare. He is so negative all the time. Constantly complains about work, money etc.

Other thing to add is that he has always had problems orgasming. This to me compounds the whole betrayal - he has been paying for who knows what because he can't get off any other way. I think he may be a fetishist but he absolutely will not even discuss. I just don't think I can live like this anymore - I believed him when he told me orgasming didn't bother him but now I obviously know it does. Nothing we have ever tried has worked and I can't tell you how low my confidence is now after years of trying to spice things up and him not finishing.

I know he watches a lot of porn but he has always refused to watch it with me.

I guess my question is, should I put up with this for DCs or is it going to destroy me? They are still v small but eldest I think knows something is up. I don't mess them around with moving around again but can't afford to live here by myself.

Sorry this is so long. If you got this far thank you for reading!

OP posts:

WineAndChocolateyummy · 26/03/2015 21:04

That was totally not what I thought I would read when looking at thread title.

I am sad for you but I also don't want to bash your DH. Was your counselling couples therapy or sex therapy? You say he is a good Dad, that's great. If you take sex out of your relationship, are you friends? It does sound like he might be embarrassed or ashamed which is why he doesn't want to watch anything with you. Perhaps it is specialist porn? Would you be prepared to indulge him a little bit in what he likes?

I guess though to answer your question, no it's not a bad reason to end a marriage if there really is no chance of finding a ground you are both comfortable with. Hence my question are you friends, because if you are then it might be worth saving.

Quitelikely · 26/03/2015 21:07

This man has got so many issues. Non of them are related to you, how good you are etc they all st from his own insecurities and illogical/addictive thought processes.

You keep getting on the round about and when you get on that round about the same place is reached every time.

Step off it for the sake of your sanity and your lovely children.

AnyFucker · 26/03/2015 21:11

he can still be a "good dad" away from you

this man will never be trustworthy

why do you keep taking him back when he has made it abundantly clear he will find another, ever more inventive way, to take the piss out of your misplaced loyalty

kick him out for the kids....nobody should have to live like this

Mostlyjustaluker · 26/03/2015 21:16

You can end a marriage for whatever reason makes you unhappy with the marriage. Your description is not sex issues, IMO he is repeatedly cheating on you, lying and getting more and more in debt.

I am sorry that HE is putting you through this.

TRexingInAsda · 26/03/2015 21:17

There are a whole load of issues there about love and trust and faithfulness. This is not just sex issues, not by a long shot.

Original poster

techqueen · 26/03/2015 21:17

WineandchocolateMummy - yes we are good friends. We have always got on well.it makes isit so much harder. I have suggested, offered all sorts of things over the years but it has never satisfied although he always says it is great. I am open minded and fairly experienced which I guess is why I thought I could handle this!

OP posts:

Original poster

techqueen · 26/03/2015 21:22

Thanks everyone - yes I think there are addiction issues. To be honest I feel like I'm coming out of a mental fog - forced myself to concentrate on pregnancy and then baby, who didn't sleep well until v recently and only now feel strong enough to start thinking about myself a little if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Cleetus · 26/03/2015 21:26

OP what a lot you've had to deal with
It's not just the sex though, is it?
It's the lying, the not doing his share of childcare, the whinging about everything, the financial fecklessness, the betrayal. Sounds like a lot to overlook. For what? To show your DC that a marriage looks like living with someone you don't trust or like very much?

kinkyfuckery · 26/03/2015 21:27

Just being unhappy is enough to end a relationship. You deserve to be happy.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 27/03/2015 10:44

His behaviour is over a long period of time, not a single event. He knows what he is doing is damaging your relationship, but his secret life matters more to him than you and the DCs do.
I have never posted LTB as advice - but you can't fix anything whilst porn, gambling, prostitution and sex lines are his priorities.
I think you are fighting losing battle here.

pinkfrocks · 27/03/2015 10:53

It seems the biggest issue is lack of communication between you as a couple. You did say you used to get angry during counselling so maybe this has contributed to him not being able to talk openly to you?

You said you had a year away- how did you support yourself and why did you come back? Did he promise to change?

Taking all the emotion and blame out of this for a moment- he has sexual issues that he clearly can't be open about so he carries on in secret. You feel betrayed by this.

Is it worth trying counselling again to talk together openly - one more shot? It will only work if you both want the marriage to work- not if you use the session as a slanging match (either of you) or he won't be honest about his issues.

what does he want?

Jackieharris · 27/03/2015 11:03

Never 'stay for the DCs'. That never ends well.

pompodd · 27/03/2015 11:04

I think it's sad that you feel such a need to save the marriage that you are, in a way, minimising what he has done and compartmentalising it as a "sex issue". If he genuinely had a sex problem - addiction, psychological issues etc I guess you might decide to try and support him through that. But surely only if he was being honest and open with you. And even then, if you were unhappy, there's no law that says you need a particular or specific reason to end a marriage.

Look back at your OP. You describe infidelity, lying, the use of family money to support his infidelity and unwillingness to talk to you.

I also take exception to the "good dad" description. In my mind, being a "good dad" involves treating the mother of your children with dignity and respect.

I'm a man, btw so hope you don't mind me commenting on your thread! I wish you well with whatever you decide.

pocketsaviour · 27/03/2015 11:05

He obviously has kinks and it's such a crying shame that he won't open up about it. And instead he lies and uses family money in a wasteful way.

If he was to be open with you, and tell you that he needed to be spanked in order to achieve orgasm, or for you to call him a pathetic worm, or that he wanted to cross-dress - would you be prepared to try to meet those needs? (Not every time you had sex, but say once or twice a month.) Or is it something you couldn't consider?

By the way, if it helps, Pro Dommes commonly don't have actual sex with their clients.

nauticant · 27/03/2015 11:26

It seems the biggest issue is lack of communication between you as a couple.

This is so wrong it's actually funny.

MiddleAgedandConfused · 27/03/2015 11:42

It seems the biggest issue is lack of communication between you as a couple.
That's not the issue here at all...

knittingdad · 27/03/2015 11:46

There is a book I would like to recommend to you, called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay". The book is about trying to decide whether there is enough that is good in the relationship that it can be fixed, or if there are issues that are so bad that they cannot be repaired.

One of the red flags it talks about is what it calls off-the-table-itis, which is what I immediately thought of when I read this part of your post: "I think he may be a fetishist but he absolutely will not even discuss."

SensationalGirl · 27/03/2015 11:54

After living with a man who was into freaky sex and repeatedly cheated on me I vowed to never date a man like that again. Leaving a man who gambles, cheats and lies to you is kind of a no brainer for me.

pinkfrocks · 27/03/2015 11:57

I don't see how you can pick me up on saying lack of communication is poor- it's screaming out!

They have separate bank accounts and savings( I assume) , he does things furtively which OP discovers, he won't talk about sex and hang ups, she shuts down or gets so angry in couples counselling that presumably that knocks any constructive discussion on the head- how can all of those not show poor communication?

nauticant · 27/03/2015 12:25

But you are saying lack of communication is a bigger problem than:

prostitute use;
addiction to sexlines;
porn addiction;
a gambling problem; and
industrial quantities of deception.

Surely you can see that to prioritise the lack of communication would be bonkers, right?

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 27/03/2015 12:39

Just wanted to put my wo penneth in regarding sex and confidence. I had a long relationship with a fetishist. He was really into tights and stockings and nylon. Didn't bother me but he couldn't cum without that being involved somehow and it got worse as then years went on.

Whilst otherwise the sex was actually quite good, exciting and certainly satisfying for me, when we broke up (not my choice and very upsetting time for me) and I had sex with someone else I cannot tell you what a relief it was that there was no nylon!!! I realised that the fetish element had made me feel more like a prop than a person he wanted to have sex with. Ten years on and I'm still relived that I don't have to wear stockings to have sex!!

I know that's only a small part of what you are going through but just wanted to share my experiences of how draining an unusual sexual fetish can be.

AnyFucker · 27/03/2015 12:42

to say "communication" is the issue implies op is equally to blame as it should be two way

when the "communication" problem is one way, the correct term is "lying" and that to me is a deal breaker

pinkfrocks · 27/03/2015 13:25

naut not saying it is MORE important but saying honest discussion - him too- are an issue. Like many posts here- people should talk to the partner not an anon forum- and if they have done all the talking necessary then fine, move on, end it.

Original poster

techqueen · 29/03/2015 08:15

Thanks everyone. It's so useful to read your thoughts. I have never posted on an anon forum before but I wanted to get a perspective from people who don't know me/us. If it were not for the DCs I would have been out of the door the minute I found that email. I stayed against my personal better judgement but for the sake of the family.

Unfortunately in a potted history obviously I can't map out our entire relationship. Until all this happened I would have said we were very close. We were I thought v open with each other. So while communication was not an apparent issue - he just told me he'd never been able to orgasm during sex and I guess I naively thought we could work on it together.

Turns out his thing is for female body builders. Which is definitely not me!

OP posts:

Original poster

techqueen · 29/03/2015 08:24

I think he probably does genuinely love me and the family but ultimately he is not going to be able to repress his other desires - and neither should he. I just wish he wouldn't cling on to me like this, he tells me it is my decision to break up the family, that I want to take his children away - which is obviously emotional blackmail and completely untrue.

I love my home but I feel like a different person when the DCs and I are out or elsewhere. Hmm. I'm answering my own question here aren't I?!

OP posts:

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