Hi, newbie here, I have been lurking a little and I know you will give me some great advice. Sorry this is an essay!
I have been with H for 7 years. We are late 30s and have 2DCs. When DC1 was 18 months old and I had just found out I was pregnant with DC2 (planned) H went away on a business trip and I accidentally found an email to a dominatrix requesting a session while he was away. What I saw was her reply - I was using his computer to book valentines dinner (hollow laugh) and didn't realise his email was logged on.
I was totally shocked. Thought we had perfect relationship etc. Sex life good although there was an issue which I'll get to in a bit. Told him not to come home. He was devastated, didn't stop ringing and texting, told me was moment of madness etc.
I have never believed it was the first time. When I looked back I realised there were some odd signs - weird addresses on satnav, he once ran up huge bill on sexlines (I was away for a week and he said he was lonely)
I decided that we should cohabit for sake of DC1 and also being pregnant and not living near family I was worried about what I would do if I went into early labour etc and was on my own.
He supported me through pregnancy and birth and was totally loving and committed. He has always said, and still does, that he loves me and is a good dad.
We both had a lot of counselling, both separately and together but I always got so angry during the couples sessions.
Anyway after DC2 was born we moved and decided to start afresh. Within 3 months I caught him gambling online. I forced him to show me his bank account (we have separate finances) and also discovered he was spending £200 a month on porn (how??) despite being heavily in debt and me pretty much having to support us even though I was on mat pay. I have reasonably good job but salary not huge.
I was livid and still am. The DCs were so small, was so vulnerable... How could he do that? We lived apart for most of last year but are now together again. And I can't stand it. I am constantly wondering what he's up to on his phone/laptop. I resent how much I do in the home while also back at work and doing most of the childcare. He is so negative all the time. Constantly complains about work, money etc.
Other thing to add is that he has always had problems orgasming. This to me compounds the whole betrayal - he has been paying for who knows what because he can't get off any other way. I think he may be a fetishist but he absolutely will not even discuss. I just don't think I can live like this anymore - I believed him when he told me orgasming didn't bother him but now I obviously know it does. Nothing we have ever tried has worked and I can't tell you how low my confidence is now after years of trying to spice things up and him not finishing.
I know he watches a lot of porn but he has always refused to watch it with me.
I guess my question is, should I put up with this for DCs or is it going to destroy me? They are still v small but eldest I think knows something is up. I don't mess them around with moving around again but can't afford to live here by myself.
Sorry this is so long. If you got this far thank you for reading!